Sunday, June 29, 2008

Message From Hell By Jerry Falwell

The following message from Jerry Falwell was received by Assimilated Press using our experimental Postmortem Receiver

Hello friends, this is Jerry Falwell speaking to you from Hell. I have to say, ending up in Hell did not come as a total surprise to me. I had been playing most of you for suckers for years and it paid really well. Religion is a great racket, probably the best con an enterprising individual can get into. You don't have to pay taxes and gullible people love that self-righteous crap, especially if it is served up with a healthy dose of hate. Still, I had been hoping for purgatory. You know, one last chance for a shot at heaven. Alas, it was not to be. Apparently, God hates hypocrites and he's not too fond of misogynistic, gay bashing racists either. So, here I am.

It's true what they say about Hell. It is awfully hot. Man, most of the time I feel like a side of pork roasting over an open spit and that's the least of my problems. You see, down here in the Underworld, each person's experience is tailored to the type of life they led. In my case that means I have to listen to my own sermons over and over again. Boy, I was full of shit. I can't believe I got away with it. Well, I guess considering where I am right now, maybe I didn't quite get away with it, but it was a great ride while it lasted. I lived like a fucking king, had a limo, tons of money, friends in high place. Hell, I even had my own fiefdom, Liberty University. By the way, a word of advice to all of the students at Liberty U, get a clue. My school in Lynchburg, Virginia doesn't get you closer to God. It's a way station to eternal damnation and Hell, a recruitment center for the Beast. So, unless you want to end up like me, you better get out while you still can.

Sorry, I have to go now. Lucifer has made me his personal bitch and he wants me to be there when he welcomes a new group from Amway that will be arriving shortly. Good-bye to all of my friends, especially those in Washington. I look forward to seeing you all again.

New Feature: Messages From The Other Side

Using the newest cutting edge communication technology, Assimilated Press is now the only news organization to have the ability to receive messages from the dead.

By virtue of an experimental device called the Postmortem Receiver, Assimilated Press is now able to access letters and statements created by individuals from the other side. We will be releasing these communications from the dead as we receive them.

Presently, communication using the Postmortem Receiver is one-sided but we are hoping that will change shortly with another device under development called the Postmortem Transmitter that will allow us to interview the dead when used in tandem with the Postmortem Receiver.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

John Yoo & Kiefer Sutherland To Host New Fox Show

New York, New York - Excitement is sweeping through the entertainment industry after news of a new FOX program featuring John Yoo and Kiefer Sutherland is released to the public by none other than the head honcho himself, chairman of the board and chief executive officer Rupert Murdoch.

The show is called What's My Crime and is based on novelist Franz Kafka's great work In the Penal Colony. FOX's parent company News Corporation (NWS.A) is telling advertisers that What's My Crime is guaranteed to draw big audiences who are used to the bone crushing overwrought drama of 24 and the comedic stylings of Bill O'Reilly.

Each week the show will take place in a different secret American prison located somewhere in an unnamed foreign dictatorship. At the beginning of the program a hooded detainee will be strapped to a board face down. Then, a series of sharp blades will begin to painfully slice his back, slowly spelling out the crime the Bush Justice Department suspects he has committed. Making this even more fun is the fact that the detainee has never been charged with any crime or even told why he is being held. As the blades cut deeper into the detainee's back the words that are being spelled out should become clearer. If the detainee can guess his suspected offense before he dies, he wins and will be rewarded with a Dennis Miller DVD and a certificate for a free latte at Starbucks.

During the course of the show, John Yoo will provide play-by-play of the proceedings as well as the legal justification for the detainees treatment. Kiefer Sutherland will provide color.

What's My Crime premieres on Monday at 8 PM Eastern time on all FOX channels and is rated PG.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bush To Remain Commander-In-Chief For Life

Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush today signed an executive order declaring that he would remain Commander-in-Chief even after the next president is sworn in on January 20, 2009. In announcing this executive order, Bush stated that national security dictated that he "maintain control over the Pentagon and American military forces in order to protect the people of the United States from enemies both foreign and domestic."

In accordance with this new executive order, whoever wins the next election, whether it is Obama or McCain, will be given the honorary title of President of the United States but this position will now be a ceremonial one only and the sole power the next president will have will be the ability to throw out the first pitch of the baseball season and to preside over the grand openings of malls and shopping centers. The next president will also be given an office in the Executive Building across the street from the White House and a staff of two to handle incoming mail.

After January 2009, George W. Bush will officially be called Commander Bush. He will keep his residence in the White House, along with his entire staff and he will also continue to have Air Force One at his disposal. President Obama or McCain will be given a twenty-five percent discount coupon valid on any commercial airlines for any business travel they may need to conduct.

Commenting on this new executive order, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Well, it is highly unusual but I am sure that, given the Bush versus Gore decision, it should easily pass constitutional muster."

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ben & Jerry's Name Flavor After Dick Cheney

South Burlington, Vermont - Today, the founders of world famous Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, announced a new flavor to their famous production line which includes such well known favorites as the very popular Cherry Garcia, Cheesecake Brownie and Chunky Monkey. The new flavor is called Cheney's Crimson Horror and may be the most unusual flavor Ben & Jerry's has ever produced.

Cheney's Crimson Horror is a delightfully sweet concoction of vanilla ice cream generously mixed with beef blood and raw chunks of goat liver. It may not be everyone's cup of tea but it is expected to do well in the red states where Cheney is still popular and where they like their ice cream loaded with fresh organ meat straight from the slaughter house.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Kiefer Sutherland & Ann Coulter In Bitter Split

Malibu, California - Just days after saying their vows, actor Kiefer Sutherland and columnist Ann Coulter have ended up in divorce court in a bitter battle to end their brief marriage.

Sources close to the unhappy couple tell Assimilated Press that problems emerged almost immediately after the ceremony and that they culminated into acrimonious shouting matches, broken furniture and several visits to the emergency room for treatment of abrasions and severe bruises.

According to documents filed in the divorce proceedings, Ann Coulter felt that she was marrying Sutherland's television persona Jack Bauer and not some sissy actor who wears makeup and cries when watching reruns of Friends.

In his response to the court, Kiefer Sutherland said that their relationship fell apart on their wedding night when he found out that his new bride, Ann Coulter, had invited her close friends Bill O'Reilly and Brit Hume to participate in a Ménage à trois while handcuffing Sutherland to a chair so he could watch his new bride be ravaged by two icons of the family values and cultural war crowd.

In her defense, Coulter said that she thought Sutherland would enjoy the experience and that it might give him some ideas for his hit show 24.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Obama Gives Constitution The Finger

Obama joins Pelosi, Reid and Hoyer in supporting George W. Bush and the Republican Party as they repeal the Fourth Amendment.

Do Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid Give Prostitution A Bad Name?

Given their latest capitulation to George W. Bush and their corporate masters on FISA and their open contempt for the Constitution, the question arises; Do Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid give prostitution a bad name?

Please answer in the comment section below.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Pelosi & Reid Paid 30 Pieces Of Silver For FISA

Washington, D.C. - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi have come out in total support of amnesty for lawbreaking telecoms and unrestricted spying on American citizens in return for thirty pieces of silver with the promise of much more to follow.

In a joint news conference, Pelosi and Reid placed their hands over their hearts and swore their allegiance to George Bush and the major telecom companies who have successfully negotiated a deal to purchase their congressional services. Said Pelosi, "Our unconditional support of corporate lawbreaking and the destruction of the Bill of Rights is only the first step. Consider the FISA bill our down payment on our vision of America and the serfs who populate it."

In response to criticism over their embrace of Bush and corporate lawbreaking and the fact that the average citizen could not receive the same preferential treatment, Reid replied "Look, this is how Nancy and I do business, just like the Republicans. This is a pay to play system here. If John Q. Public can come up with a briefcase of cash then he can have access to."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Kiefer Sutherland & Ann Coulter Wed

Malibu, California - In a marriage made in Republican heaven, television actor Kiefer Sutherland and conservative columnist Ann Coulter were married in a private ceremony overlooking the ocean. Presiding over the solemn vows was Sutherland's best friend, Berkeley law professor John Yoo.

Yoo, who based most of his legal opinions justifying and institutionalizing American use of torture on Sutherland's portrayal of Jack Bauer in the FOX hit series 24, said "I love Kiefer like a brother. He has not only shown me how silly and outmoded the Geneva Conventions are but he has also had an impact on many movers and shakers in government like Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia who now realize that torture is as American as cattle prods and waterboarding. I mean, how could you not be impressed with Jack Bauer? Here is a US government agent who can torture his victims with glee while scrambling eggs and making waffles for breakfast. Now, that's what I call leadership."

Also in attendance were Coulter's friends from her brief movie career, Clarence Thomas, Rush Limbaugh and Joe Lieberman. The couple is planning to honeymoon in Guantanamo where they can engage in some recreational activities while helping to extract confessions and make some great home videos.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Lieberman Continues To Slither In Primordial Slime

Is Joe Lieberman the most unethical and dishonest senator in congress or just one of the top five?

Monday, June 09, 2008

Gay Marriage Causing Widespread Devastation

Seattle, Washington - Research fellows at the Discovery Institute have released an alarming report that details the horrible consequences that have resulted from the legalization of gay marriage in several American localities. Essentially, these highly respected scholars who have graduated from some of the finest Bible colleges in the country have found that gay marriage has led to a surge in unemployment, teenage rebellion, male pattern baldness, increased incidents of mass madness among Republican Party faithful, and extremely high gas prices.

In presenting this report to the public, Dr. Fred Wittlenuts, president of the Discovery Institute, warned of even more apocalyptic consequences when he said that "The Institute has also discovered that, as a result of gay marriage, the earth has shifted off of its axis and is now headed into the sun which means that gay marriage is the real cause of global warming and not increased carbon dioxide emissions as is thought by the quack scientists from MIT, Caltech, Harvard and Stanford."

Next week, the Discovery Institute will be releasing another long anticipated report conclusively proving that the earth is only 5000 years old as shown in a notarized affidavit signed by Adam and Eve that only recently turned up in the ruins of an old Dairy Queen located on the outskirts of Seattle.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Exxon Mobil Names President Bush Employee Of The Year

Irving, Texas - In a lavish award ceremony hosted by ex-comedian Dennis Miller, President George W. Bush was named Exxon Mobil's employee of the year. Included as part of this prestigious award was a check for 10 million dollars which will be deposited in an off-shore account in the Cayman Islands, a vacation home in Aspen, Colorado and, of course, a beautiful trophy.

In presenting this honor, Rex W. Tillerson, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Exxon Mobil, said "The price of gas has more than doubled since George and Dick were installed in our mean the White House. Environmental regulations have not been enforced and the world is more unstable than it has been for generations, all of this has been great for business, the oil business, our business. That is why I am very pleased to give President George W. Bush this award as Exxon Mobil's employee of the year."

Accepting the award in front of a wildly cheering audience, the president, with tears rolling down his face, said "The Bush family has a long history of serving the oil industry in general and Exxon in particular. In fact, dad always used to say 'ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do for Exxon' and that has been our motto for generations. It is the last thing we think about when we go to bed at night and it is the first thing we think of when we get up in the morning. That is why I am proud to receive this honor as Exxon Mobil's employee of the year."

Also in attendance were last year's winners, Supreme Court Justices Roberts, Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy.