Friday, September 29, 2006

ABC To Feature Torture Of Detainees On New Reality Program

New York, New York - Executives at ABC announced today that they have inserted a new reality TV show into the fall time slot. The show is called Detainee Breaking Point and it is being produced with the help of the Department of Homeland Security which gave the ABC production crews unlimited access to the American prison in Guantanamo as well as other prison facilities world-wide that are run by the CIA and Defense Department.

The premise is simple. A group of suspected enemy combatants are selected at the beginning of the season. During the course of 14 episodes they are all subjected to various US government approved torture techniques such as waterboarding, extreme stress positions, exposure to freezing temperatures, sleep deprivation, and beatings. Every week one of the detainees will reach their "breaking point" and give the interrogators at least one name or other important piece of information. At that point, their interrogation will be suspended and they will be eliminated from the competition. By the last show of the season only one detainee will be left and that lucky prisoner will be rewarded with a presidential pardon and a luxury condo in Lake Tahoe.

To keep interest high throughout all 14 episodes, special guest interrogators will join the regular interrogation crew on a weekly basis. The special guest interrogators for the first four episodes have been announced and they are, in order of appearance, Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, John Warner, and Joe Lieberman.

Speaking about his new program, Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company which owns ABC, said "we are very hot on this show. It's real. It's unique. It's happening and it's hip. The American people will eat it up."

When questioned about the morality of using the torture of prisoners for entertainment, Iger replied, "Television is a business and in business the only morality is the bottom line. What's immoral is low ratings."

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Fearful Congress To Seek Own Pardon For Passing Torture Bill

Washington, D.C. - As both the Senate and House prepare to give President Bush the right to violate the Geneva Conventions through the continued use of torture in American run facilities, the realization has struck many members of Congress that by voting for this legislation they will personally be held responsible for any torture that occurs after the bill's passage. This raises the disturbing possibility that they would become liable for prosecution as war criminals since their actions would officially make them accomplices in the inhumane treatment of prisoners which is strictly forbidden under international law.

Adding to the discomfort of the legislators is the fact that the bill they are about to pass contains blanket pardons for President Bush and everyone in his administration who authorized torture in the past and who will continue to authorize torture in the future. Senator John McCain, speaking on this issue, said "When I decided to introduce legislation allowing President Bush to continue the torture of prisoners, it seemed like a good idea. But, I didn't realize that by passing this bill all of us in Congress may will be considered war criminals for being accomplices to this torture. Surely, we can not allow this to stand. We must pass additional legislation as soon as possible to give every member of Congress who votes for this bill a blanket pardon. After all, if we can give the President and his staff pardons, why shouldn't we give ourselves pardons? We don't want to end up sitting in The Hague over this."

Both pieces of legislation, the McCain Torture Bill and the bill pardoning members of Congress who voted for the McCain Torture Bill, are expected to pass before Congress goes on recess this weekend.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

US Has Secret Contingency Plans For Global Warming

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned that the Department of Homeland Security, under the direction of the White House, has prepared secret contingency plans for the inevitable drastic changes brought about by the shift in the global climate. This secret document shows that, contrary to their public position, the Bush administration has privately acknowledged that the "green house effect" is happening and that it will have dire consequences around the world.

Through carefully cultivated sources deep within the Bush White House, Assimilated Press has received a copy of this secret contingency plan. It is marked "Super Top Secret" and appears to be jointly authored by officials from Vice President Cheney's staff and top executives from Exxon Mobil. From the very first page it is obvious that this is a meticulously prepared document that provides a shocking assessment of the damage to the environment and society that will result from the continuation of current energy policies. However, instead of viewing this as a tragedy, the authors take great pains to point out the opportunities that global warming will present.

First and foremost, it is assumed that large areas of American land mass on both coasts will be lost. Second, it predicts that wide scale drought and famine will occur and that they will be accompanied by pestilence and epidemics of contagious diseases. The good news, according to this plan, is that it provides a justification for the declaration of martial law which will simplify the governing of the country during the course of the emergency.

Planning is also underway to use the opportunity global warming presents to finally solve the issue of illegal immigration. According to the contingency plan, the loss of California and parts of Nevada will make it possible for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to build a giant moat that connects the Pacific Ocean with the Gulf of Mexico. This will create a natural barrier between the United States and Mexico. The Bush administration, realizing that they could be criticized for using the catastrophe of global warming to advance xenophobic policies that are near and dear to their right-wing base, has already hired Hill & Knowlton to package this to the American people as a national security issue.

Finally, the contingency plan shows that the White House is actually pleased with the way global warming will impact politics in America. By their reasoning, the most heavily Democratic states will disappear, states such as California, Oregon, New York and Rhode Island. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and President Bush believe this will guarantee Republican rule for at least the next one hundred years.

The White House has refused requests from Assimilated Press to comment on this report.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Falwell & O'Reilly Share Prostitute At Religious Convention

Indianapolis, Indiana - Fox News, already reeling from an embarrassing episode with Rupert Murdoch and a live microphone, may now have a full-fledged scandal on their hands involving sexual misconduct and possible violations of Indiana state law. The sordid details are only just beginning to emerge and many of the facts have yet to be established. However, sources close to the investigation say that the Reverend Jerry Falwell and Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly reportedly shared the services of a prostitute at the Midwestern Conference on Religious Values which took place at the Marriott Hotel in downtown Indianapolis over the weekend.

When contacted by Assimilated Press, a spokesperson for the Acme Escort Service, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Yeah, Bill and Jerry are regulars. Whenever they are in town they give us a call and we take care of them. Usually, they want something a little out of the ordinary. For this last convention, they wanted one of our girls to dress up like Hillary Clinton and recite the Pledge of Allegiance while they covered her with mayonnaise and slices of bologna to make what they call a Bill & Jerry sandwich. Sure, it's creepy and the girls don't like it, but they pay well and nobody gets hurt, so what the hell."

When asked to comment on the reports, Falwell said, "I was just trying to save the young lady from a lifetime of sin. Sure, my technique may have been a little unusual but sometimes you have to get dirty to do the Lord's work."

For his part, a visibly distraught O'Reilly said, "I thought what happened in Indianapolis stayed in Indianapolis."

No charges are expected to be filed against either man.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Rupert Murdoch Calls Fox News Viewers Morons & White Trash

New York, New York - In a conversation with Fox News celebrities, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, that was picked up by an open microphone, Rupert Murdoch, Chairman and CEO of News Corp., repeatedly referred to Fox News viewers as morons and white trash. The incident took place as the three men were sitting together at a benefit dinner for the Ann Coulter defense fund. Apparently, they had been drinking heavily which may account for their lack of restraint and obliviousness to the open microphone that was positioned directly in front of them.

At one point, while addressing O'Reilly and Hannity, Murdoch said, "Can you believe the shit we get away with? Good thing our viewers are dumb as doorknobs or else we would be in trouble." To which, Hannity laughed and then replied, "Yeah, I heard that people who watch Fox News have to wear bibs to catch their drool so their sofas won't be stained by the tobacco juice, and that's just the women." O'Reilly, also laughing, then joined in by saying, "Hey, how many Fox viewers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all refuse to change the bulb because they prefer living in the dark."

However, the unkindest cut of all that is sure to enrage Fox viewers came at the end of the conversation when Murdoch raised his glass in a toast and said, "God bless trailer park trash and idiots everywhere. Without them Fox News would be nothing and I would not be a billionaire."

After news of the recorded conversation became public, Fox News released the following brief statement, "We encourage our viewers to reject anything they hear or see that does not come directly from Fox News. Fox News is the only source of information you need for Fair and Balanced™ coverage."

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Teeth Whitening Fad Exposed As Terrorist Plot

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security announced today that information derived from the "aggressive" interrogation of suspects in Guantanamo has lead to the arrests of hundreds nationwide and the breakup of a major terrorist conspiracy. Calling it "the most despicable of plots" Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, explained that these sleeper cells had managed to infiltrate their way into the field of dental care by taking advantage of America's obsession with image. Their strategy was ingenuously simple and extraordinarily successful.

For several years, these sleeper cells have managed to use their positions in the dental industry to promote the practice of teeth whitening in order to accomplish their ultimate goal of subverting the health of the American people. Once they were successful in this first step of convincing the public that it is normal to have teeth as white and bright as piano keys they were able to proceed to the second step of their insidious plan, the introduction of destructive chemical agents into the teeth whitening process.

The chemical agent they chose is called Zeeratron. Zeeratron was originally developed in Uzbekistan for use as a corrosive demolition device in urban warfare. However, it soon became apparent that, in a highly diluted form, it could bring about the loss of structural integrity in objects much smaller than buildings, objects such as teeth. Introducing Zeeratron into the teeth whitening process proved quite simple and now it is used by most dentists and toothpaste manufacturers.

The final step of their devious strategy was to keep the teeth whitening process popular with Americans while the Zeeratron did its work and slowly corroded the whitened teeth until they eventually become as brittle as chalk and crumbled apart. The terrorists believed that this would create a substantial financial burden on America's health care system and also greatly demoralize the public in the war against terror.

President Bush, basking in the glow of this successful Homeland Security operation said, "Fortunately, this plot was discovered before it could do any further damage thanks to the efforts of our interrogators at Guantanamo. In fact, the interrogations were so successful that the prisoners were practically begging to give us the names of their accomplices. They gave us so many names, it was like they were reading them from a phone book. Don't tell me that a little rough treatment now and then doesn't work."

Zeeratron is used in 90 percent of all teeth whitening treatments and whitening toothpastes. For those who have had their teeth whitened and are concerned about their structural integrity, it is recommended that you contact your dentist or toothpaste manufacturer to find out if they use Zeeratron.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Senators McCain, Graham & Warner Give Thumbs Up To Torture

Washington, D.C. - In an abrupt departure from their previously announced positions, Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham and John Warner have decided to give their wholehearted support to President Bush for his continued use of torture.

Speaking to reporters, Senator McCain said, "Look, I've got to be realistic here. I'm running for president in 2008 and I need to keep the right-wing happy. That's why I went to Liberty College and embraced Falwell and it's why I flip-flopped on my opposition to torture. Quite simply, it came down to this. Do I want to maintain my sense of integrity or be president? For me, the answer was easy."

Senator Graham followed McCain by saying, "We've got an important election coming up in November and we had to make a decision. Are we Americans first or Republicans? Well, I have been a Republican all of my life and that is where my loyalty lies first and foremost."

Speaking last, Senator Warner agreed with Graham and added, "Republicans are the daddy party and sometimes daddies have to torture people who want to hurt mommy and the babies. This is a winning issue for us and we will use it against the Democrats in November to keep the House and Senate."

Although their capitulation to the Bush White House may have some short term benefits in the upcoming elections, it does come at some risk to the senators. Several legal scholars say that McCain, Graham and Warner, by officially condoning the use of torture by the Bush administration, have themselves become accomplices in these inhumane acts that violate the Geneva Conventions and have consequently placed themselves in jeopardy of future prosecution in The Hague.

In a related story, Assimilated Press has learned that the CIA sends videotape highlights of the day's torture to the White House where every evening President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and Senator Lieberman gather together in the Oval Office for viewing parties that include nachos, cocktail weenies and generous amounts of Jack Daniels. Of course, due to his alcoholism, the president restricts his drinking to Shirley Temples with extra maraschino cherries.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Media Heads Meet With Rove To Coordinate Campaign Strategy

Hilton Head Island, South Carolina - Executives from CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN & Fox met with White House Political Adviser Karl Rove in this luxurious resort community to discuss how they can best coordinate their efforts for the upcoming campaign in November. The first day of discussions focused on determining a set of themes upon which the fall campaign will be based. It was decided that the primary themes would be "strong leadership" and "staying the course." Rove also received assurances from the assembled network executives that they would televise a series of weekly prime time addresses from President Bush leading up to election day that would serve to emphasize these themes. They also promised Rove that their broadcast and cable news operations would continue to maintain their current ten-to-one proportion of Republican to Democratic commentators throughout the entire election cycle.

On the second day of meetings, they were joined by Supreme Court Justices John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas for the purpose of exploring the negative impact of a high minority turnout and how best to distinguish between legitimate Republican ballots and illegitimate Democratic ballots. No decision was reached but Scalia assured everyone present that if a problem arose it could be dealt with before the votes were counted.

The third day of planning saw the arrival of a large contingent of high level executives from the Diebold Corporation. Thomas Swidarski, CEO of Diebold, briefed the attendees on Diebold's latest paperless recount-proof technology that uses Microsoft's Windows Operating System as a platform. At the end of his presentation, he received a standing ovation and Karl Rove's personal word that he would have the President send to Congress, early next year, legislation that would make Diebold voting machines mandatory in all 50 states and the District of Columbia.

On the final day of the conference, a private Boeing 767 arrived on the Island carrying a full load of Halliburton executives. They spent the day finalizing details on no-bid contracts that are scheduled to be awarded after the November elections. Later in the evening, after all the work was done, all of the participants were treated to a concert by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith before heading home secure in the knowledge that the elections would go exactly as planned.

Publisher's note: All of the meetings at Hilton Head Island were behind closed doors and off the record. No participants consented to be quoted and cameras were banned from the hotel lobby. However, Assimilated Press was able to talk to a number of hotel employees and lower ranking officials who provided us with the information that is in this story. We have guaranteed their anonymity to protect them from reprisals and dismissal.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Bill O'Reilly Defiles A Devastated Ann Coulter

New York, New York - In what is destined to become one of the most replayed moments in television history, Fox News personality, Bill O'Reilly, regurgitated a bacon and onion cheeseburger into the unsuspecting face of conservative commentator, Ann Coulter, during a live telecast of The O'Reilly Factor. A shocked Coulter then broke into tears and bolted from the studio leaving O'Reilly with several minutes to kill before the next commercial break. A visibly shaken O'Reilly used the time to blame Bill Clinton for the influenza epidemic of 1919, Hillary Clinton for women's suffrage, Al Gore for cholesterol, and Keith Olbermann for the end of Western civilization.

As news of the incident spread, demand for downloads of the infamous video clip soon escalated to stratospheric levels with two of the world's premiere video sites, YouTube and Crooks and Liars reporting record amounts of traffic. YouTube even had to resort to backup servers to handle the massive increase in bandwidth consumption. Within four hours, the O'Reilly/Coulter video clip had already become the most popular file ever downloaded on the Internet.

Ann Coulter has been under heavy sedation since the trauma occurred and has not been available for comment.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Apple Pie Declared Un-American

Madison, Wisconsin - Americans are reacting with outrage to a recent study by the University of Wisconsin that showed that the all American apple pie is anything but American. The reason for this startling claim is simple. In the last ten years most of this nation's apple pie manufacturing capability has moved offshore to take advantage of the cheap labor and relaxed regulatory climate found in other countries. The largest producers of apple pies are now China, Bangladesh and Mauritania. This has left the American apple pie industry in near total devastation and has resulted in the loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs.

The American Apple Pie Association, responding to the financial hardship of its members, has issued a desperate appeal to Congress in which they request immediate relief in the form of a tariff on all imported apple pies. They have also demanded that authorities put an end to the unfair dumping of underpriced apple pies that are imported from China and then sold through giant retail outlets such as Wal-Mart and Target.

In addition, a number of consumer advocates have expressed displeasure over the deceptive advertising that is being used in the selling of these imported apple pies. They have pointed out that many of these apple pies come with labels that prominently display the American flag and a picture of "mom" giving the consumer the false impression that they are homemade by someone's mother here in America rather than mass produced in a factory on the outskirts of Shanghai.

The Chinese government, recognizing that their lucrative apple pie market could be endangered by public anger and congressional action, has hired the public relations firm of Hill & Knowlton to redefine the issue and also reduce the possibility of any punitive legislation. They also unveiled a slogan that will be the theme of a new advertising campaign. The slogan is "Buying Chinese is the all American thing to do."

In announcing their new strategy, Victoria Clark, a senior manager at Hill & Knowlton, confidently said "With a big enough advertising budget, we could convince people that manure tastes like apple pie a la mode."

Monday, September 18, 2006

Wall Street Journal Editorial Board Resigns In Disgrace

New York, New York - Today, the entire editorial staff of the Wall Street Journal resigned in disgrace. This mass resignation was triggered when a series of personal memos and e-mails from editorial board members were leaked to the news division of the Wall Street Journal which then published them in a shocking in-house exposé. The documents describe an editorial board immersed in a culture of rampant corruption with a flagrant abuse for journalistic principles and a complete disregard for the truth.

These memos and emails reveal that the Wall Street Journal editorial board knowingly lied to the public in virtually all of their editorials over the last 18 years. In particular, the documents show that they knew, contrary to their editorial positions, that the crimes President Bill Clinton were alleged to have committed were fabricated by right-wing opponents. They also knew that President George W. Bush was lying when he used weapons of mass destruction as a pretext for the Iraq war. And, in what may be they most damning revelation of all, they knew that Al Gore was the rightful winner in the 2000 presidential election.

Paul Gigot, editor of The Wall Street Journal's editorial page, had this to say when he submitted his resignation, "We, at the Wall Street Journal, knew there were no weapons of mass destruction. We knew that the Clintons had committed no crimes. And, we knew that both Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush were guilty of impeachable offenses. Yet, we continued to make up facts and deceive the American people. Unfortunately, we have now been exposed as liars and frauds and have no choice but to resign."

A few hours later, Gigot accepted a new position as a Senior Fellow at the Heritage Foundation.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

White House OK's Use Of Torture In Public Schools

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Education today announced that Guantanamo style techniques have been approved for use in the nation's public school system for the purpose of instilling discipline and maintaining order. These techniques include waterboarding, severe stress positioning, prolonged interrogation without sleep and beatings that do not result in permanent injury.

In presenting this major policy decision to the public, Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education, said "It is important to instill in our young people a sense of discipline and respect for authority. That is why we have authorized these humane methods which have proved their effectiveness in careful testing over the last several years."

Spellings then went on to say that "These new tools we are making available for school administrators are not only approved for punishment and the maintenance of proper discipline but are also recommended for the general interrogation of students in order to procure time-critical information on the drug usage and misbehavior of other students. This will save lives and also reduce financial losses due to vandalism. Who, on earth, could possibly be against that?"

Within hours, critics reacted to the announcement by saying that it was a cruel and abusive way to treat the country's children and would make the United States a moral pariah. In response to this heated criticism, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "President Bush believes he was elected to provide a safe and secure environment for the education of America's youth and that is what he intends to do. People who oppose us on this issue are not only wrong, they are promoting drug use and chaos in our schools."

The American Civil Liberties Union and several other organizations have questioned the constitutionality of today's announced policy but most legal scholars feel that the Supreme Court will reject their claims as unwarranted due to the fact that previous court decisions have determined that students are not covered by the protections provided in the Constitution.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Republican Party Offers Free TV Sets In Exchange For Votes

Washington, D.C. - In a move that is seen by many as both desperate and brilliant, the Republican National Committee is offering a free television set to each registered voter who signs a pledge to vote for Republican candidates in this November's elections.

This highly unusual promotion has drawn heavy criticism from Democrats who say it is a blatant attempt to influence the election by unethical means. However, this view was disputed by Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, who defended the "One TV for One Vote Program" by saying, "This isn't about buying votes. It's about showing our appreciation to each and every voter. If the Democratic party wants to deny free television sets to the American people, then I would say that is just one more reason to vote Republican this November."

Mehlman also announced that Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell would be put in charge of the TV giveaway because of his extensive experience in the supervision of elections. As for the television sets, they are the latest 19 inch cable ready Zenith models but they do come with one limitation. They are preprogrammed to allow the viewing of only two channels, Fox News and a special bonus channel that broadcasts the Disney/ABC docudrama The Path to 9/11 twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Registered voters who would like to take advantage of the "One TV for One Vote Program" should contact the local Republican Party headquarters in their area and request the "One TV for One Vote" pledge form.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

President Bush Creates Department of Faith

Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush, in a quiet ceremony in the Oval Office, today signed an executive order that creates a new government agency called the Department of Faith. Selected to head the Department of Faith is Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynn Cheney, who will now carry the title, Secretary of Faith, which is a cabinet level position. Witnessing the signing of this important document were some of the president's closest supporters in the faith-based community including Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson.

The purpose of the Department of Faith, as outlined in the executive order, is to oversee the banning of scientific thought and analysis from all other government agencies while putting in place a new policy that favors faith-based reasoning. The immediate effect of this action will be felt in almost every department and office of the federal government. For example, the National Park Service will no longer rely on geological evidence to explain the effects of erosion in creating canyons and other natural wonders. Instead, all educational materials will now emphasize the Book of Genesis which describes the origin of the Earth and how God's wrath in the Great Flood during Noah's time was responsible for the formation of the Grand Canyon as well as other scenic parks. In fact, a booklet detailing this creationist view is already available in many of the nation's parks.

The effect on the Justice Department will also be substantial. From this point on, Old Testament Law will be the guiding principle in all decisions and stoning will replace electrocution and lethal injections as the exclusive means of execution in the country. Furthermore, adultery, homosexuality and idolatry will be added to the federal criminal code and will also be punishable by stoning.

And, in a move that is expected to save billions of dollars, the Department of Health and Human Services will cut back on most commonly accepted medical treatments and replace them with the age old and biblically accepted methods of water immersion and bleeding to rid the body of evil humours which many religious authorities believe are responsible for the majority of ailments and diseases that afflict Americans.

On Capital Hill, most members of Congress enthusiastically embraced these policy changes with some describing it as a means to "rejuvenate America's spirituality for the Third Awakening." Speaking on the steps of the Capital Building, Senator Rick Santorum said, "We have had to suffer fools and blasphemers like Copernicus and Galileo for far too long. Ptolemy got it right. We are the center of the universe and now the time has come to take back our country and rescue it from the scientists and empirical thinkers who have hijacked it to pursue their agenda of rational thought."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Britney Spears Auctions Placenta On eBay

Los Angeles, California - In a move that has generated mass hysteria among her many fans, Britney Spears has decided to auction, on eBay, the placenta from the recent birth of her son. According to a spokesperson for eBay, this is the first time a human placenta has been offered at the giant online site but, given Ms. Spears special stature in the entertainment field, they decided they would allow the sale to proceed as long as it was handled tastefully.

News of this unusual sale was greeted with widespread enthusiasm and once the auction on the placenta was open, bidding escalated at a rapid pace. Many bidders said they wanted a personal memento of their favorite singer while others saw it as an investment that would appreciate in value, much like a painting or Persian rug.

While there was some criticism over the nature of the sale most people were supportive and felt that it was her right to offer this very personal item to the public. For her part, Ms. Spears denied that it was a publicity stunt designed to garner attention to the release of her latest CD, Oops! I Can't Believe I Did It Again. She said, "I just wanted to offer a personal part of myself for my many, many fans who have stood by me all of these years. This seemed like the perfect way to do it. Otherwise, it just would have been dumped in the garbage. Now, it is a token of the appreciation and love I have for all of you."

Bidding started at five hundred dollars and quickly escalated to eighty thousand dollars. With the auction officially open for 52 more hours it is expected that the final bid will come in at well over one million dollars. Shipping charges have been waived by the seller.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Mouse's Goose Cooked By Elephant

Burbank, California - Problems continue to mount for Disney/ABC over its airing of The Path to 9/11 which has drawn scorn from large segments of the public and many historians for its falsification of history and its abuse of the victims of 9/11. In fact, the situation has become so critical that insiders are beginning to wonder if they are witnessing the first signs of a death spiral for the giant corporation that has seen its once wholesome image destroyed in just a few days.

Experts in public relations say that Disney/ABC broke the first rule of corporate etiquette, which is, never align yourself with one political party or group at the expense of all others. Chet Hendricks, president of Image Consultants International said, "I don't know what they're smoking at Disney but it isn't tobacco. By joining with the most radical elements of the Republican Party they have alienated everyone else and squandered all of the good will they have accumulated over the last 75 years. They should have withdrawn that piece of poorly crafted fiction and apologized immediately. Now, they have the worst of both worlds. They are hated by a majority of people across the world, and they didn't even get good ratings. If you are going to make political propaganda, at least make it entertaining. These people are no Riefenstahls."

Adding to Disney's problems are world-wide protests that are growing in intensity. In Belgium, university students staged a mock funeral for Disney's corporate symbol, Mickey Mouse, which they called "A eulogy for a rodent." In France, pranksters are placing urinal cakes embedded with the image of Mickey Mouse in public urinals everywhere. And, in Germany, thousands of protesters dressed as cats marched around the Bundestag carrying signs that said, "Der rat ist kaputt."

Perhaps no one described Disney's dilemma better than Niccolo Machiavelli who said, "If you lie down with elephants, sooner or later you are going to get dumped on."

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Mickey Mouse Becomes Most Hated Corporate Symbol In World

Burbank, California - Several polls released over the last two days have found that Americans overwhelmingly believe that Disney's famous symbol, Mickey, has turned from a friendly smiling mouse into a snarling diseased rodent. The reason for this outpouring of hostility to what was once seen as a family friendly corporation seems to be solely as a result of the heavily partisan and fabricated docudrama The Path to 9/11 which many Americans view as an attempt to influence the November elections on behalf of the Republican Party.

Inside sources at Disney tell Assimilated Press that the corporation is stunned at the level of outrage directed at them and is fearful that it will result in financial collapse as calls for a boycott of The Walt Disney Company have grown in popularity. Already, attendance at both Disneyland and Disney World has plummeted with some observers remarking that they look like ghost towns.

But that isn't all that the beleaguered company has had to endure. In the last few days, massive demonstrations have taken place to protest the actions of Disney and ABC in perpetrating this historical fraud at the expense of the victims of 9/11. At the ABC building in New York City, an effigy of Mickey Mouse was burned in front of a cheering crowd. And, in Burbank, California, three-hundred thousand protesters marched in front of Disney's corporate headquarters shouting "My, my, well, well. Mickey Mouse can go to hell!"

In a sign of further trouble for Disney, these protests have started to spread around the world with many people wearing shirts with a giant X drawn over the picture of Mickey Mouse to show their displeasure. For a company that depends on marketing and brand appeal, this is nothing short of a catastrophe.

Robert A. Iger, the President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company, has not been heard from since the controversy erupted. However, he has been seen meeting with White House Political Adviser Karl Rove. Rumor has it that the White House and Republican Congressional leaders are preparing a bailout package for Disney in the event the corporation is forced into insolvency by the adverse public reaction to the docudrama.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Cheney Warns Disney/ABC To Stay With Republicans Or Else

Burbank, California - The stakes in the ongoing battle over the airing of The Path To 9/11 grew even more acrimonious today when Vice President Dick Cheney openly threatened Disney with retaliation if they back down in the face of intense criticism over the gross inaccuracies and outright distortions of the miniseries.

Apparently, the White House and top Republican leaders were concerned that their alliance with Disney was in jeopardy due to the disclosure that the highly partisan fictional docudrama was financed and planned by right-wing groups intent on influencing the elections in November. This has placed even more pressure on ABC and its parent company Disney to pull the deeply flawed and politically motivated program. Fearing that eventuality, the White House decided to act by personally confronting Robert A. Iger, the President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company.

Sources close to Iger tell Assimilated Press that Cheney cornered the CEO of Disney during a board meeting and, in a heated exchange, told Iger that if he backed down and canceled The Path to 9/11, there would be severe consequences. The next morning, Iger awoke from a sound sleep and found the bloody head of a mouse under his sheets.

Asked to comment on these reports, Cheney smiled and said, "When I ran Halliburton I learned that you had to break a few eggs to make an egg salad sandwich."

Friday, September 08, 2006

Karl Rove Has Compromising Photos Of Disney CEO

Burbank, California - Assimilated Press has learned that Karl Rove has told friends and close advisers that he has compromising photographs of Robert A. Iger, the President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company and that is why Iger will do anything Rove tells him to do. Apparently, these photographs include call girls dressed as Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy, and a game they play called "The Magic Castle Hideaway."

Iger was not available for comment on this latest controversy and calls to Disney's corporate headquarters were not returned by press time. However, a spokesperson for the Cartoon Fantasy Escort Service confirmed to Assimilated Press that there have been numerous requests from a very high profile client in Burbank, California that involve their most expensive "escorts" dressed as some of Disney's most popular characters for services that are definitely not PG rated.

In other news, The Walt Disney Company and ABC have announced plans to follow their latest docudrama, The Path to 9/11, with a new docudrama entitled How George W. Bush Saved America From Invading Venezuelans.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

ABC Gets Out Of News Business

New York, New York - The Walt Disney Company, corporate parent of ABC television, announced today that ABC will no longer be involved in news gathering, programming or reporting. As a consequence of this decision, ABC immediately laid off its entire news staff, including Charlie Gibson, who anchored ABC's World News Tonight. In place of news, ABC will be exclusively broadcasting docudramas that use the real names of actual people and places but are completely fabricated and have no bearing on factual events. This action is a direct result of the favorable feedback Disney has received from the Bush administration and the Republican Congress over its docudrama The Path to 9/11.

Commenting on this latest move, Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company, said "News is a losing proposition for ABC and Disney. We can make much more money with docudramas and we don't have to send anyone to any exotic location to do it. We just put some writers in a room and they make up the stuff."

Iger also announced that Karl Rove will be in charge of selecting writers and producers for all of ABC's new docudramas. Said Iger, "Disney has decided to partner with the Republican party because it just makes good business sense. They keep the FCC and SEC off of our backs and in return they get the kind of programming they prefer. I know that some people may think this is unethical but all I can say is our shareholders are pleased as punch and, in the end, that's all I care about."

ABC's latest docudrama How Bush Won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam will be airing in November.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

ABC Feeds Off Bones Of Dead & Disdains History

New York, New York - Officials at ABC-TV and its corporate parent, The Walt Disney Company, admitted today that their "docudrama" The Path to 9/11 is virtually a complete fabrication with little factual content. They also acknowledged that its purpose is to place the blame for 9/11 squarely on the Clinton administration while completely absolving the Bush administration of any responsibility, even though the events of 9/11 occurred well into the Bush administration which ignored many warnings of the impending catastrophe.

ABC and Disney executives further stated that it was their intent to try to help the Republican party in time for the November elections. Said Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company, "Of course, we did this to help Bush and the Republicans. That's how it works. We scratch their backs and they scratch ours. Why else would we hire right-wing writers and producers with strong Republican ties to come up with this crap."

Also, in response to protests by the families of the victims of 9/11 who said that ABC and The Walt Disney Company were using lies and distortions about the horrific deaths of their loved ones for ill-gotten gain, Iger replied, "History is what we say it is. If they want facts and truth, let them get their own god damn network."

Iger refused to comment on ABC/Disney's next major docudrama, How Bush Won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Katie Couric Bares Breasts To Boost Ratings

New York, New York - In her first appearance as the new CBS Evening News anchor, Katie Couric surprised the viewers by spontaneously baring her breasts midway through the half-hour newscast. This groundbreaking moment in journalism occurred shortly after a story on Tom Cruise's heartfelt apology to Brooke Shields and before a feature on the health benefits of Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs).

In this unique gesture to viewers, Ms. Couric showed the competitive spirit she is taking to her new position and, at the same time, sent a clear signal to the other networks that she will do whatever it takes to win the ratings wars. However, NBC and ABC have already let it be known that they will not let this action go without a response. On tomorrow's broadcast, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will do the entire broadcast wearing only his purple speedos. And, on ABC, Charlie Gibson will have his tongue pierced and fitted with a diamond stud.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Enraged George Finds Laura In Bed With Dick

Washington, D.C. - All of official Washington is abuzz with tales of intrigue and betrayal following the unauthorized disclosure that President George W. Bush discovered his wife, Laura, in bed with Vice President Dick Cheney. News of this sordid tale was apparently leaked to select members of the media by White House staff who felt that they could no longer hide this embarrassing fact from the public and who hoped, that once it became known, it would force Laura and Cheney to call off their red-hot sexual liaison.

As far as can be determined from highly placed sources, last Thursday, President Bush returned early to the White House after cutting short his daily bicycle ride due to a minor groin injury. He then walked into the Presidential bedroom where he discovered the First Lady and Vice President locked together in the throes of unrestrained passion. Bush is said to have stood there for seven minutes with a stunned look on his face before he was able to mutter a single word or react in any way. During that lengthy pause, Cheney and Laura were able to reach a mutually satisfying conclusion to their amorous activity and still had enough time to get fully dressed.

As a result of this troubling episode, President Bush is said to be deeply distraught and extremely disappointed in both the First Lady and Vice President. He has taken to drinking again and spends long hours looking at pictures of the twins while wondering aloud if they are actually his children.

Cheney, while expressing regret to the President over his actions, has confided to friends that Laura is a super-heated dynamo under the sheets and that if things were different he would leave his wife Lynne, who he describes as more frigid than a Popsicle, to spend more time with the First Lady. Laura, on the other hand, is remorseful for her actions and is meeting daily with Dr. Phil in hopes that she can restore the faith and trust in her marriage.

Perhaps Dr. Phil summed up the situation best by saying, "If the First Lady has an itch and the President doesn't scratch it, the Vice President is only a heartbeat away."

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Republican Party Changes Name To Let's Party

Washington, D.C. - In an effort to deflect growing voter animosity with their name and the policies it represents, Republican Party leaders commissioned the public relations firm of Hill & Knowlton to come up with a solution that would enhance their standing with the American people. The result, a name change and rebranding of the Republican Party. From this point on, the Republican Party will be called the Let's Party and their symbol will change from an elephant to a tiger in a tuxedo with sunglasses.

Ken Mehlman, formally chairman of the Republican Party and now head of the new Let's Party, said "We needed to change our image badly. People were associating Republicans with corruption, incompetence, fiscal irresponsibility and abuse of power. Now, with the new name and rebranding, we have left behind all of the old baggage and America will give us a fresh look as the Let's Party."

Victoria Clark, a senior partner at Hill & Knowlton, echoed Mehlman's words and expressed confidence that this major makeover will reinvigorate voters in time for November's elections, "This is just what the voters are looking for, something new, something friendly, something happening, something youthful and something hot."

Members of the Let's Party are to be addressed as Partyers. Currently, both houses of Congress are controlled by the Partyers.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Bush Cites Barney As Proof That Man & Dinosaurs Coexisted

Washington, D.C. - Stepping into the battle between scientists and creationists, President Bush today cited Barney as proof that man and dinosaurs have coexisted since the beginning of Earth some 5000 years ago. Said Bush, "I don't know how much more proof people need. Everyday, millions of kids can see for themselves that it is possible for people and dinosaurs to live together. You just can't ignore evidence like this."

Scientists, however, were quick to dispute the President's endorsement of creationism by pointing out that Barney the Purple Dinosaur is a fictional character and has no bearing on any discussion relating to the validity of evolution. Professor Theodore J. Wilcox of Northwestern University said "This whole canard of man and dinosaur coexisting is just a way for the creationists to say that fossils are a scientific hoax so they can keep pushing their biblical view that the earth was created only a few thousand years ago. It is pure bunk and it is extremely disappointing that the president has taken this position."

White House press secretary Tony Snow reacted to the criticism by saying, "We know who the American people stand with on this issue and it is the president. I mean, who are you going to believe, the leader of the free world or some pointy-headed know-it-all scientists who think they are better than you?" Judging from the first poll results, it appears that the public agrees with Snow. By more than a two to one margin, the American people overwhelmingly support the president's opinion that Barney's "existence" proves that creationism is right and evolution wrong.

Meanwhile, on Capital Hill, Republican senators and representatives, sensing the mood in the country and hoping for a winning issue they can ride to victory in the fall, quickly followed the president's lead and vowed to introduce legislation that will make the teaching of creationism mandatory in schools throughout America. Said Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, "The Bible is the ultimate text book and we should follow it faithfully. Everything else is just hearsay and conjecture."

As of press time, there was no word from the White House about whether or not the president believes that dinosaurs were capable of speaking English and singing songs.