Thursday, November 30, 2006

Iraq Study Group Report To Be Made Into Opera

New York, New York - In a development that has the entire entertainment industry talking, Andrew Lloyd Webber has secured the rights to the Iraq Study Group Report which he plans to turn into an opera. Calling it his most ambitious project to date, Mr. Webber said, "Iraq Study Group Report, the Opera will be bigger than Jesus Christ Superstar, more moving than Cats, and a greater love story than The Phantom of the Opera. It will be my true masterpiece."

Excitement is already building in anticipation of the Broadway opening which is scheduled for the middle of May. President George W. Bush will be played by Nathan Lane, Vice President Dick Cheney by Jon Lovitz, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld by Sylvester Stallone, and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice by Whoopi Goldberg. Advanced ticket sales are brisk.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Nixon's Brain Kept In Jar On Cheney's Desk

Washington, D.C. - One of the best kept secrets in Washington has now been exposed. Sources close to Vice President Dick Cheney have confirmed to Assimilated Press that Richard Nixon, the deceased and disgraced former President of the United States, had arranged to leave his good friend, Dick Cheney, a very special and unusual memento as a token of their close relationship, his brain.

As requested in his secret last will and testament, Nixon's brain was removed shortly after his death and placed in a jar with preservatives whereupon it was given to his ideological soul mate, Dick Cheney. Deeply touched by this gesture from his old friend, Cheney has treasured this gift which now resides on his desk in the Vice President's office.

As strange as this story may seem, there is more. It appears that the brain emits a high pitched sound that only the Vice President can hear. At first, Cheney was confused and frightened by these voices in his head that originated from the jar but gradually he grew less and less afraid until he finally began to treat this bizarre apparition as a gift and not a curse.

Friends of the Vice President say he is mesmerized by the brain and spends an inordinate amount of time simply staring at it with his eyes glazed over, almost as if he is drawing inspiration and guidance from it. On several occasions, Cheney was overheard saying to the jar, "Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Mr. President. I will do as you say."

The White House has refused all requests for comments on this story.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Daddy Defends W From Angry Grandmother

Houston, Texas - George Herbert Walker Bush was reduced to tears today as he defended his baby boy, George W, from an angry grandmother. The incident took place at the opening of a new theme park jointly financed by James Dobson and General Electric called God & Missiles. At the end of the opening ceremony, in which Bush praised both God and missiles and said that without one the other would not be possible, a frail woman in her eighties stood up from a folding chair and said to the former president, "You were a terrible president but your boy is even worse. He is a disgrace, a liar, a thief and a self-righteous idiot. He has shamed America and made us a laughing stock to the rest of the world."

At that point, a visibly agitated Bush, trembling with rage, left the podium and confronted the woman face-to-face as he said, "Don't you dare talk about my boy that way. He's a Bush and we Bushes all stick together." Then, the elder Bush slapped the woman hard, knocking her to the ground and drawing blood. Showing amazing resilience, the grandmother got back up to her feet and returned the 41st president's slap causing his false teeth to come flying out of his mouth.

This insult to his dignity was more than he could bear, with tears running down his cheeks, the former president called for his secret service detail to come to his aid. Two agents immediately responded by grabbing the woman by both arms. Bush then walked up to the woman and said, "You don't look so tough now."

And then, as astonished members of the audience looked on, the elder Bush pummeled the restrained senior citizen with a series of punches to the abdomen and face. After twenty or thirty blows, the woman slumped down, apparently unconscious as the secret service agents continued to hold her. She was then handcuffed and charged with assault.

Later in the day, executives at the Walt Disney Company announced that they were going to film a mini-series based on the confrontation in Houston which will be called President Bush Defends God And America From Enemies Within. The program will air on ABC.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Bush To Abolish Congress In Bid To Regain Initiative

Washington, D.C. - In a bold move designed to recover the political initiative after the devastating defeats of the recent elections that saw the Republicans lose both the Senate and House of Representatives, President Bush has decided to abolish Congress through the use of an executive order. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has told Bush that this power would fall well within his authority as the Unitary Executive in a time of war.

Details are still sketchy but Assimilated Press has learned from high ranking sources in the Justice Department that the executive order will be released shortly before Christmas while Congress is adjourned for the holidays. All members of Congress will be given two weeks severance pay from Exxon Mobil and told that their services will no longer be required.

In order to make this action more palatable to the American people, the public relations firm of Hill & Knowlton has been hired by the White House. They have advised the President that a majority of the public will accept this extraordinary measure if it is packaged as both a matter of national security and a budgetary necessity. Along those lines, President Bush is set to announce that the abolishment of Congress will save taxpayers a minimum of 14 billion dollars a year. In addition, a further savings of 2.3 billion dollars in construction costs will also be realized by converting the Capital Building into a prison complex that will house detainees and undesirables.

When questioned about the constitutionality of such an executive order, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia replied, "Constitution! We haven't used that thing in years."

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Chloe The Clever Turkey Outwits President Bush

Washington, D.C. - In the annals of history there have been great epic contests between the giants of the world stage. There was Alexander and Darius III, Napoleon and Wellington, Grant and Lee, Ali and Fraser, the Celtics and the Lakers, and now added to their ranks is the story of President Bush and Chloe the Turkey.

At first, it seemed an obvious mismatch. After all, how could a flightless bird with a brain the size of a pea compete with the President of the world's mightiest nation. Still, it is these events, where one of the participants comes in as a heavy underdog, that legends are made, and so it is with Chloe the Turkey.

It all began on the day of the traditional White House Thanksgiving ceremony where every year a turkey is saved from an early death by a presidential pardon. However, what isn't commonly known is that there are two turkeys sent to the White House before the ceremony, one to be pardoned and one to be eaten. On this day the two turkeys sent were named Gertrude and Chloe. As fate would have it, Gertrude was selected to be saved while Chloe was selected to be served.

Then, on Thanksgiving morning, after the pardoning of Gertrude, President Bush did what he has done every year since he left home at the age of 42. He dressed up in his old National Guard uniform and prepared to personally slaughter the hapless turkey chosen for the Bush family dinner. As the president entered the kitchen carrying a shiny butcher knife, Chloe caught the glimmer of the sharp steel blade and instinctively knew that the end was close at hand unless decisive action was taken. Seizing the moment, Chloe slipped out of tethered rope keeping her captive and lunged at the startled president who turned and tried to escape from the brave turkey as she fought for her life. As President Bush ran from the kitchen and down the hallway, Chloe was in close pursuit and constantly pecked at his now bloody and raw backside.

Responding to the President's screams for help, secret service agents converged on the scene and began firing their weapons at the ferocious fowl causing White House visitors and employees to flee in panic. In the confusion that followed, Chloe spotted an open window and made her move. In two swift motions, she jumped onto a chair and then out of the window. Running as fast has any turkey has ever run before, Chloe headed towards the sun and was never seen again.

With the Bush family Thanksgiving dinner in jeopardy and no turkey to be found at this late date, Chef Jacques Blovel resorted to a drastic measure he had not used since his early days as a cook in a café in Marseilles. He butchered a stray cat found earlier in the day on the White House grounds and stuffed it with the President's favorite sausage dressing. Served with candied yams and healthy portions of mashed potatoes and gravy, the meal turned into a surprising success.

Said Barbara Bush, the President's mother and matriarch of the Bush clan, "Cat tastes better than I thought it would. I think next year we should try one deep fried."

And so ends the story of Chloe the Clever Turkey. The bravest and smartest turkey the world has ever seen.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Cheney Burns Constitution As Federalist Society Cheers

Washington, D.C. - A gathering of lawyers who make up a group known as the Federalist Society met this week for their national convention in Washington. This relatively new organization of ultra-conservative lawyers was created and funded by the Heritage Foundation and the American Enterprise Institute. Their goal is to provide financial support and career opportunities for individuals who will swear their eternal allegiance to the organization and promise to issue rulings that are favorable to their patrons once they have been installed onto the judiciary.

Justice Samuel Alito, the latest member of the Federalist Society to be placed on the Supreme Court, was one of the featured speakers at the meeting. Alito said that it was only a matter of time before the United States totally rejected the Constitution and returned to Biblical law as God meant the country to be ruled. Alito then praised the concept of the Unitary Executive and said that he favors the kind of government that Franco ran in Spain. He also had kind words for Mussolini for what he called "his innovative approach to corporate governance."

However, the real crowd pleaser was Vice President Dick Cheney who closed the Federalist gathering by setting fire to a copy of the Constitution as the entire room burst into applause. Said Cheney, "The Constitution is a piece of elitist crap that is only good for lighting cigars or starting a fire to cook some steaks and freshly shot game birds."

Cheney then held up the Bible in one hand and the bylaws for Halliburton in the other as he bellowed to the audience, "From now on, these are America's governing documents."

When asked to comment on the statements made by Justice Alito and Vice President Cheney, President Bush replied, "I don't know who this Mussolini fellow is but I love Franco's SpaghettiOs."

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Totalitarian Regimes Seek American Expertise In Torture

Washington, D.C. - Repressive dictatorships and totalitarian regimes around the world are requesting that the Bush administration share their new found expertise in torture techniques in the hope that it will quell internal opposition in their countries. In particular, Libya, Sudan and Uzbekistan have shown great interest and enthusiasm for the dehumanizing methods used on detainees in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo which they believe will work well on their own civilian populations.

In commenting on their request, Islam Karimov, Supreme Ruler of Uzbekistan said, "We used to look to Soviet Union for ways to best torture prisoners. Now, Americans much better. Waterboarding, beatings, dogs, chaining from ceiling, sexual humiliation, no sleep , threats to family, all very good. Americans very best at this, number one. We wish to learn these things from America so we can be just as good."

While there has been no official response yet from the White House, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has released a letter of support for the transfer of American interrogation and torture techniques to other nations around the world. In the letter, Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, said "American methods and innovative measures used to break detainees are the envy of the world. This could become a very important and lucrative export for the United States that will also help to reduce the trade deficit and create jobs for Americans with these special skills."

In a related development, seven prisoners in Guantanamo have confessed to killing Amelia Earhart and the sinking of the Titanic.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Republican Politicians Selling At Bargain Prices

Washington, D.C. - With the Democratic takeover of Congress, Republican politicians are discovering that their cash value has been substantially reduced along with their power. Before the election it took a minimum of two million dollars to purchase a Republican senator, with some going as high as seven million if they chaired an important committee. Now, these same senators can be had for less than a million dollars each.

The news is even worse for Republican members of the House of Representatives where prices for Republican congressmen have plummeted to the point where special discount packages are being offered. However, even the buy one get one free deal has failed to generate much enthusiasm. Veteran analysts say that prices at the Congressional Commodities Exchange are at their lowest level in twelve years and could still drop further.

While this has reduced capital expenditures for current congressional acquisitions for a number of companies, major investors such as Exxon Mobil and Halliburton are not happy to see the value of their political investment portfolio decline so precipitously. With Republican congressional currency being so devalued, sources inside Exxon Mobil have told Assimilated Press that most of their political acquisitions will now be concentrated in the federal judiciary where life time appointments provide a more favorable climate for their return on investment.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Adulterer Interviews Murderer For Immoral Media Mogul

New York, New York - In a desperate attempt to boost their falling ratings, Fox News has scheduled an interview with OJ Simpson in which he discusses his new book which describes in gruesome detail how he killed his ex-wife and her friend. That is, if he actually did kill them which he denies (wink, wink, nod, nod). The book is published by a subsidiary of News Corp which also owns Fox News.

Interviewing Simpson will be Judith Regan who is no stranger to controversy. In fact, after publishing a book by the infamous drug addict Rush Limbaugh, Ms. Regan, was allegedly discovered to have engaged in an adulterous affair with a shady character involved in criminal activity.

Judith Regan has denied these accusations but did say that if she committed adultery with the ethically challenged Bernie Kerik it would have happened like this, "It would have occurred shortly after 9/11 in New York City. Bernie and I would have gone to a luxury suite that was set up so the people working at ground zero could get a chance to get some sleep and relax after long shifts in the still burning debris. Of course, the workers would never get to use it because Bernie and I would have kept it for ourselves. Once there, we would strip off our clothes and then Bernie would cover me with dog food. Usually it was Alpo's beef liver stew but occasionally he would use Rival's chicken chunks and gravy. Then I would bark like a dog while Bernie walked on his hands and legs and ate the dog food off of my ripe and willing body. That is, if it happened, which it didn't (wink, wink, nod, nod)."

Rupert Murdoch of News Corp is hoping that this sensational exploitation of a vicious murder will pump some fresh blood into the moribund corpse of Fox News so that, along with OJ Simpson and Judith Regan, he and the shareholders of News Corp can benefit from the horrible deaths of two innocent people. Said Murdoch, "What good is a heinous double homicide if someone can't make some money from it?"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Sex Scandal Strikes Senator Santorum & Springer Spaniel

Washington, D.C. - Senator Rick Santorum, who was recently defeated in his reelection bid, now has more serious problems than his pending unemployment. At approximately 3 AM this Tuesday morning, on the grounds of the Capital Mall, he was discovered having sex with an English Springer Spaniel by the National Park Police. To make matters worse for Santorum, the dog did not have a license and was not on a leash.

Literally caught with his pants down, Santorum was arrested and charged with lewd conduct. Yet to be determined is whether or not the sex was consensual. If Santorum forced himself on the unwilling purebred then he may face additional charges as well as civil sanctions from the SPCA.

Experts from the American Kennel Club say that the English Springer Spaniel has a reputation for being an affectionate dog that is eager to please its masters.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Fox News Fires Entire Staff

New York, New York - In a hastily called press conference, Rupert Murdoch today announced that News Corp was terminating the employment of the entire staff of Fox News including all on-air talent. Although the announcement caught many by surprise, industry insiders said it was inevitable following the Republican loss of both houses of Congress to the Democrats. According to those closest to Murdoch, he felt that it was time to completely revamp their programming schedule to adjust to the new reality in Washington.

Starting on January 1, 2007, Fox News will rerun the last 6 years of its programming in entirety in an effort to relive its golden age and save expenses. This radical gambit by Murdoch was supported by the shareholders of News Corp who felt that reliving the past would be a better option for Fox viewers who would be able to pretend that they were still living in a country dominated by the conservative movement.

Said Murdoch, "We are giving the viewers of Fox News the opportunity to live in a world where George W. Bush is always president and Congress is always controlled by the Republicans. Internal focus groups have shown us that this is a winning formula and with expenses cut to the bone and new advertising dollars from Halliburton and Exxon Mobil, I am certain that we will still be able to make a substantial profit which, in the final analysis, is all that matters to our shareholders."

In a related development, Assimilated Press has been told by well placed sources that newly unemployed Fox News personalities Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Brit Hume have pitched a new program idea to CNN in which the three uber-conservatives torture a different defenseless animal to death every week. Executives at CNN are said to be hot on the idea and have tentatively okayed the first 10 episodes. The first program involves common house pets, carpentry tools and a recipe for kitten cacciatore.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

DNA Proves Bush Is Missing Link Between Apes & Man

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - A scientific study was released today that is causing a major controversy. It started as a simple request from the White House to a group of internationally renowned researchers. The president wanted to prove that he had royal lineage that could be traced back to the legendary rulers of England. So, scientists at Carnegie Mellon University were asked by the White House to use the President's DNA from a few strands of hair to establish a link between George W. Bush and British royalty. However, instead of discovering a link between the President and the House of Windsor, this assembly of the world's greatest geneticists made the startling discovery that Bush was the long sought missing link, that elusive creature that is said to be the evolutionary bridge between ape and man.

Though archaeologists have been searching for over a hundred years for fossilized remains that could establish an unbroken record that proved beyond a doubt that the theory of evolution is a scientific fact, they have never been able to find definitive proof until now.

Said Dr. Holden K. Peterson of Carnegie Mellon University, "The DNA from the President's hair sample contained vital markers that conclusively fill the gap in the process of evolution that has been lacking up until this historic moment. But it wasn't just the President's DNA that we analyzed to reach this conclusion. We also looked at his physical characteristics and behavior to see how they corresponded to their simian counterparts. What we found only further confirmed our findings. The President's brain is abnormally small for his body size and resembles that of an ape more than a Homo sapiens. Also, like the great apes, Mr. Bush has a tendency toward aggression, is easily agitated and has limited reasoning capabilities."

Dr. Peterson concluded his statement by saying, "We were asked by the White House to trace the President's lineage to the great historical figures of the British Empire. Unfortunately, we could not establish any such connections and I have to say that President Bush has more in common with Cheetah the chimpanzee than King Henry VIII."

There was no response from the White House regarding the release of this report from Carnegie Mellon University although Assimilated Press has learned that President Bush has been known to throw his feces at aides when angry.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Finally A Plan: Rumsfeld To Lead Insurgents In Iraq

Washington, D.C. - In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans are uniting behind a plan to send former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to Iraq to lead the insurgents in their battle against American troops. The thinking behind this new approach is that Rumsfeld will do for the insurgents what he did for American fighting forces, namely reduce their capacity and effectiveness while increasing casualties.

In a joint news conference, Congressman Jack Murtha and Former Secretary of State James Baker laid out this innovative proposal to the assembled press core. Said Murtha, "Rumsfeld has been a miserable failure as a Secretary of Defense. He sent our troops into battle without the proper gear and armor. He has consistently lied to the American people and his strategy has only created more terrorists, not less. The best thing we can do is send him to Baghdad and have him work for the other side."

James Baker agreed and added, "There comes a time when each individual must ask what they can do for their country. For Rumsfeld, the answer is easy. He must go to Iraq and lead the fight against our occupation. That is where his arrogance and incompetence can benefit America the most."

Assimilated Press has been told by high ranking officials at the Pentagon that this plan is gaining support from career soldiers who believe that it could lead to an American victory over the Rumsfeld led Iraqi insurgents in less than two years time.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Giant Statue Of Bush Toppled By Cheering Crowd

Washington, D.C. - A dejected and despondent George W. Bush fell to his knees and cried like a baby when told by Karl Rove that the Republicans had lost both houses of Congress. Vice President Cheney, who was present when Bush was informed, immediately went into a rage and began smashing all of the furniture and expensive vases in the Oval Office. Rove tried to calm Bush and Cheney by saying that they still had the Supreme Court and the media but they were not to be consoled.

Across the country, the mood was dramatically different from that within the White House. People rushed out into the streets in celebration. There was hugs and kisses and rejoicing from one end of the nation to the other.

At the world's largest shopping center, the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, a giant statue of President Bush was toppled and dragged through the complex by a cheering crowd of shoppers.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Three Important Statements On Voting

Taken from yesterday's comments

From pinko

President Bush and this administration has trumpeted his personal faith and his faith-based initiatives.

I'm going to vote tomorrow, and I consider that a faith-based action.

I'm going to vote as an act of faith in the strength of our democratic system. It's an act of faith because I have no proof that voting is a valid action or that my vote, or anyone's vote, will matter tomorrow or ever matter again.

I'm basing my faith on several assumptions.

The first assumption is purely cynical; it's the assumption that this country is too complex to be rigged for every race in every county in every state. Since there are multiple elections going on it would seem to be a lot harder to rig all these elections simultaneously. In a Presidential election there are only two choices that matter; here there are many.

The second assumption is that this country still has enough people who care enough about democracy that they will refuse to let others be disenfranchised, even if those others do not vote the way they would prefer. This may be extremely naive on my part but it's a faith I'm clinging to right now.

The third assumption I have is that the vast majority of people in this country are feeling fed up; that no matter how many people are barred from the polls on whatever flimsy reasons, the people who actually do get to vote will so overwhelmingly make their displeasure known that a balance will be tipped. (And of course, if my first cynical assumption about fixing the vote is wrong, then this one won't count no matter how people feel.)

Another reason I'm voting is the old "third time's the charm" hope. 2000, then 2004 - maybe it will come out right in 2006, who knows?

The last reason I'm voting is the most faith-based of all: this is my country and I can't bring myself to simply shrug and give up. I know what America is supposed to stand for, I know what America has stood for in the past, I know what America is possible of being today and tomorrow and in the future beyond that - the America we all could recognize again.

I have always felt that America is not as much just a place so much as an idea: liberty and justice for all; government of the people, by the people, for the people; the pursuit of happiness.

America the idea is worth fighting for. America the idea is worth dying for.

America the idea is worth an act of faith this one more time, and tomorrow I will be in line to vote.

From enemy of the people:

I too am voting tomorrow but for only one reason.

In 1968 I was a newly minted "eligible to vote" Marine serving in Viet Nam, Republic of, as a Radio Operator in the First Marine Division. At the behest of the Marine Corps those of us who would be eligible had registered to vote earlier in the year with our home districts by absentee ballot. Our ballots were sent to us in October and we gathered around where ever we happened to be and voted. I happened to be on an operation with 7th Marines in what we called the "Arizona Territory" southwest of Danang.

I have voted every election since and will be damned if I am going to pass this one up. Especially this one. There have been warnings about threats and intimidation and poll workers asking for ID and all other kinds of foolishness. I only have a couple of things to write about that: There is not an army big enough to stop me from voting this or any other time. No one at my polling place wants to even think about trying to stop me.

Because of the kind of ballots we use here where I live, I am reasonably sure my vote will count. Because I live in a heavily Republican area, it won't count for much.

And for those who experience voting problems Concerned Citizen writes:

FYI to everyone, excerpt from today's Wall Street Journal, below. Note the contact info if you run into any voting problems and spread the word; if you have a video camera and the time, volunteer!:

"The Election Protection Coalition and Voter Action will staff call centers where they will field voter complaints to their 866-OUR-VOTE and 888-SAV-VOTE numbers and dispatch lawyers to any trouble spots. Video the Vote is enlisting "citizen journalists" to film polling-place problems.

Pollworkers for Democracy -- a joint project of VoteTrustUSA, and two groups who often support progressive causes, Mainstreet Moms and Working Assets -- is asking election workers to report voting problems to the group after finishing their precinct shifts to provide evidence for potential lawsuits and recounts. And dozens of small, grass-roots groups will be watching polling stations, elections offices and tabulation centers.

Election Protection's lawyers will ask state courts to keep polls open if there are glitches, for example -- and to document problems, alert the media and gather plaintiffs for possible recount demands and lawsuits."

A special thanks to pinko, enemy of the people, and Concerned Citizen for their comments! Now, get out and vote!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Cheney, Scalia & Rove Terrified Of Democratic Victory

Washington, D.C. - Frantic calls and late night meetings between Vice President Dick Cheney, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and White House Political Strategist Karl Rove have been taking place in the last few days of the campaign as they desperately try to work out a plan for preventing a Democratic takeover of Congress. Sources at the Supreme Court and the White House have told Assimilated Press that these three men are concerned that the Democratic margin of victory may be too large for Deibold to "correct" so they have worked out two contingency plans to ensure that Republican majorities remain in both houses.

The first plan is to have President Bush issue an emergency executive order mandating that Democrats be required to sign a loyalty oath to the government of the United States before being allowed to vote. In the executive order it will specifically state that this will not be required of Republicans since it is automatically assumed that they are patriotic Americans who love their country unlike the Democrats and the Democratic Party. This plan for an executive order was suggested by Justice Antonin Scalia who assured both Cheney and Rove that he could get the five votes necessary to see that it passed constitutional muster.

The second plan is to simply invalidate the results of the elections for national security reasons. This would serve to keep the Republican majorities in place and no further explanation would be required from the President since everything pertaining to this decision would be classified as top secret.

Karl Rove has told friends that he is confident that the media would support any action they take to keep their Republican majorities in Congress.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bush To Personally Execute Saddam Hussein

Washington, D.C. - In an extraordinary move that has no precedent in modern history, the White House announced today that President Bush would personally perform the execution of Saddam Hussein which will take place in a specially constructed execution chamber next to the Oval Office. The weapon of choice has yet to be finalized but the President is said to favor the use of a standard major league aluminum baseball bat. The President's aides had tried to convince him that a high caliber hand gun would be swifter and more humane but they were quickly overruled by White House political strategist Karl Rove who felt that the President's base would prefer a slower and more painful death for Hussein.

In the execution chamber with the President will be Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. They will be there to assist the President in these proceedings which will be carefully choreographed and handled with the dignity befitting such an event.

As it is now planned, once President Bush has finished beating the former dictator of Iraq with his Louisville Slugger, Condoleeza Rice will step in to officially declare Hussein dead. At that point, Dick Cheney, using a butcher's knife, will cut off Hussein's head and hand it to Donald Rumsfeld who will set it on a pole which will then be taken to the front of the White House where it will be prominently displayed for a two week public viewing period.

Adding to the excitement, the White House also announced that the execution of Saddam Hussein would be scheduled for prime time and televised live on all of the major networks. However, because of their special relationship with the White House, Fox News will be the only network to get an exclusive interview with the President immediately following the execution.

A very pleased Rupert Murdoch, basking in his network's good fortune in landing this ratings bonanza, said "Fox News will be in the execution chamber within seconds of Hussein's death. Blood will still be dripping from the bat, the President will be sweating and breathing heavily after his manly display of Texas style justice and our Brit Hume will be there to get it all. Television doesn't get any better than that."

Friday, November 03, 2006

Brit Hume Is A North Korean Mole

New York, New York - A recent defector from the North Korean government has told investigators that Fox News personality Brit Hume is a mole planted by the North Koreans to sabotage American society and weaken the unity and resolve of the American people through misinformation and polarizing speech. The defector said, "Planting Brit Hume at Fox News was a stroke of genius by Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il. We gave Hume invective speeches to read over the air which would serve to alienate the American people and cause disunity. This was very effective."

The defector continued, "The North Korean intelligence agencies were also very pleased with the information Brit Hume was able to pass on to us because of his close contacts and frequent visits to the White House. We knew everything the White House was planning. We were always one step ahead of them thanks to Hume and Fox News."

When asked why Brit Hume would agree to be an enemy agent for the North Korean government, the defector replied "Because we, the North Koreans, groomed him from his youth. When our intelligence services first found Hume, he was a 22 year old heroin addict living on the streets of Philadelphia. We cleaned him up, educated him and offered him a great deal of money and some of the most beautiful prostitutes in the world. Since then, he has been one of our best weapons. Look at what he has accomplished. Americans are not united. They are fighting each other and there is no longer a rational debate in America, just anger and recrimination. All of this, thanks to Brit Hume and Fox News."

Calls to Fox News by Assimilated Press requesting a response to this story have not been returned.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Brian Williams Tearfully Admits He Sold His Soul To Karl Rove

New York, New York - When confronted with a copy of a document which he could not deny signing, Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News broke down in tears and admitted he had sold his eternal soul to White House political strategist Karl Rove. Williams explained that he needed Rove's ties to then General Electric Chairman Jack Welch in order to get the coveted anchor position he now occupies,

Said Williams, "I was young and desperate to move ahead. I would have done anything. Then, Karl Rove came to me and said he could make all of my dreams come true. He pulled out a long handwritten paper and a gold pen and told me that all I had to do was put my signature on the bottom of the page. That's when I signed the document and pledged my eternal soul to Karl Rove. A short time later I received a call from Jack Welch telling me that I was going to replace Tom Brokaw."

Highly placed sources at the White House and NBC have told Assimilated Press that this explains the reason behind NBC Nightly News leading its Wednesday newscast with a bizarre six minute hit piece on John Kerry's botched joke which Williams himself admitted had no news value and was only televised to help the Republican Party on Rove's instructions. When asked directly about this, Brian Williams replied, "What can I say? I sold my soul to Karl Rove and when he says jump, I jump. It's as simple as that. Anyway, I'm not exactly alone in this. The list of people in corporate media who have sold their souls to Rove is a mile long."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

CNN Calls For American Surrender To North Korea

Atlanta, Georgia - In an extremely embarrassing mix up, CNN mistook a published statement from North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il as their regularly delivered daily talking points from Karl Rove and the Republican Party. Assimilated Press is being told by corporate insiders that this mix up occurred when an intern was told to retype the Republican talking points on CNN stationary as is the accepted protocol with all Republican talking points. However, because the young intern was new to the job, he accidentally confused a statement from the North Korean dictator that had just come in over the wire service with the memo from the Republican Party. He then retyped the statement from Kim Jong-il on CNN stationary and distributed it to all of the news staff as their daily Republican talking points.

Unfortunately for CNN this mistake was not caught for hours and resulted in the cable news network leading with the breaking story that "It is time for American imperialistic forces to surrender to the peace loving citizens of North Korea and their heroic leader Kim Jong-il." Compounding this error, CNN anchors and reporters throughout the day repeatedly said that "North Korea is entitled to nuclear weapons and that it is the United States that must give up its arsenal since it is the rogue nation."

Wolf Blitzer of CNN said, "When will the aggressive American dogs leave the Korean peninsula so that the people of Korea can be united in peace?"

And Heidi Collins, also of CNN said, "America must become a good citizen of the world and agree to all of North Korea's terms before negotiations can be started."

Eventually, the young intern realized he had made a horrible mistake and told his supervisor what had happened. CNN then distributed the correct Republican talking points to their staff and issued a statement blaming the Clinton administration for the whole mishap.