Sunday, December 31, 2006

Supreme Court Says Cheney Within Rights To Shoot Santa

Washington, D.C. - In a five to four decision with the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court ruled today that Vice President Dick Cheney was within his rights to shoot Santa Claus dead for trespassing on his property. This decision means that the civil suit brought against the vice president by Mrs. Claus, Santa's widow, is now officially over and that Cheney is not liable in any way for his actions on that cold December night. To make matters worse for Mrs. Claus, the Supreme Court declared that Santa's estate would be required to pay Vice President Dick Cheney 2.2 million dollars in punitive damages for the emotional distress he had to endure over the incident.

In announcing the court's decision, Justice Scalia, a close friend and hunting buddy of the vice president, said "Santa was not only trespassing on private property, which is a very serious offense, he did not even have proper identification and it appears that he was entering the country illegally. Personally, if I had seen a heavy set man dressed in a red robe and leading a team of reindeer on my front lawn in the middle of the night, I would have shot him too."

As he walked out of the Supreme Court, Cheney turned to Mrs. Claus and triumphantly said to the grieving woman, "I had five justices in the bag before I even walked into the building, bitch. You never had a chance. And by the way, Rudolph was delicious."

Friday, December 29, 2006

Fox News To Dump Bush & Republican Party

New York, New York - Rupert Murdoch and the entire executive team at Fox News have come to the conclusion that they made a massive mistake in their absolute and unquestioning loyalty to President Bush and the Republican Party and that it has had serious consequences on their ratings which have plunged into a death spiral over the last two years. Now, they are desperately trying to figure out how to get out of this predicament that they themselves created. Making the situation even more worrisome is the fact that the shrinking viewer base of Fox News is composed of the least desirable demographic for advertisers, namely under-educated white bigots with no disposable income.

In seeking to keep Fox News afloat, Murdoch has already made the decision to abandon their unequivocal support of both Bush and the Republican Party in the hope that they can still manage to salvage a small shred of journalistic integrity from which they can build a real news organization to replace what is commonly considered to be nothing more than a shrill propaganda organ. To this end, they have drawn up a plan that attempts to navigate their transformation into an institution with integrity, credibility, and yes, one that is truly fair and balanced.

Assimilated Press has managed to get a copy of this transitional plan from a highly placed source at Fox News. Among the changes that will soon be implemented are a complete revamping of programming. Bill O'Reilly. Sean Hannity, John Gibson and Brit Hume will not have their contracts renewed. Replacing them will be a new team of anchors featuring Arianna Huffington, Paul Krugman, Sy Hersh, and Bill Moyers.

Fox News will also introduce a new slogan which will be "Please forgive us for our past lies and biases and take a look at our new lineup which, unlike our previous programming, will be truly fair and balanced."

Thursday, December 28, 2006

McDonald's To Offer Bypass Surgery With Big Macs

Oak Brook, Illinois - In an effort to combine a profitable business strategy with a socially conscious corporate image, McDonald's today launched one of the most innovative promotions in the history of corporate America. Starting in two weeks, McDonald's will be offering free coronary bypass surgery to its best customers. This novel promotional offer is called the "McCoronary Bypass Special."

The McCoronary Bypass Special is as simple as it is unique. With each purchase of a Big Mac, McFries or Chicken McNuggets the customer will receive one unit of a special McDonald's currency called McCoronary Bypass Bucks or as they are known at MickyD's, MBBs. When the customer amasses 2,000 MBBs they will be able to redeem them for a free coronary bypass operation at special surgical centers setup throughout the nation. The number for redemption is based on research by health experts hired by McDonald's who found that, for the average customer, coronary bypass surgery becomes necessary at or around the point they have consumed 2,000 Big Macs, McFries or Chicken McNuggets.

Ralph Alvarez, President and Chief Operating Officer of McDonald's Corporation, in proudly announcing this new promotion, said "The McCoronary Bypass Special will help to keep McDonald's customers alive for another ten years or so. We estimate that this will enable us to sell many more billions of Big Macs, McFries and Chicken McNuggets. In the end, this is good for the shareholders and the consumers."

Inside sources at McDonald's have told Assimilated Press that the next promotion coming from the fast food giant will be "McFunerals" which will feature free burials in specially manufactured styrofoam caskets for lifelong customers.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Tiny Genitalia Plagues Followers Of Right-Wing Pundits

New York, New York - Turn on your TV or radio and you find them everywhere. They're loud. They're obnoxious. They wrap themselves in the American flag and they claim to be protectors of God and country. They are conservative pundits and now, according to a recent study by the Carnegie Foundation, listening to them can be harmful to your emotional and physical well-being.

This rigorous ground breaking study was conducted on the collected followers of Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Chris Matthews, and Glenn Beck over the course of several months. After a thorough review of the voluminous data collected, researchers at the Carnegie Foundation found that people who listen to these pundits suffer disproportionately from advanced atrophy of the cerebrum. In layman's terms, this means that they have largely lost the ability to think or reason. It was also discovered that these people, as a group, were largely illiterate and extremely anti-social to the point of being pathological.

Furthermore, extensive medical tests on these subjects showed that they also exhibited high levels of obesity, excessive flatulence and, for the male subjects in the study, extremely small genitalia.

As of press time, there were no official comments from any of the pundits mentioned in the study.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Dick Cheney Shoots Santa Claus In Cold Blood

Washington, D.C. - Santa may be a beloved figure in the hearts and minds of children everywhere but when it comes to the Vice President of the United States he is nothing more than a pesky trespasser deserving of frontier justice. Unfortunately for Santa, he learned the hard way that there are men whose hearts are made of coal and who consider compassion to be a sign of weakness, men who are not nice but naughty.

Santa made his fatal mistake while taking a test run of his sleigh and reindeer in preparation for his annual Christmas trek to deliver gifts to all of the kids in the world who have not pouted or cried. Caught in a sudden blizzard, Santa made an emergency landing at the first clearing he could find. It turns out that it was the front lawn of Vice President Dick Cheney's official Washington residence. Hearing the crash of the sleigh and the sounds of the reindeer, Cheney burst out of the front door with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Seeing the disheveled man, Santa shouted out, "Ho, ho, ho, and a merry Christmas to you."

To which Cheney replied, "You're on private property you gift giving socialist scumbag" before shooting Santa twice, mortally wounding him.

The Vice President then methodically shot Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donder, Blitzen, Cupid and Comet as they remained harnessed to Santa's sleigh. Turning to his wife Lynne, as she walked out of the house in her bathrobe, Cheney said, "Looks like we will be having venison for Christmas."

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity & Pat Buchanan Deported To Ireland

New York, New York - Yesterday, in a nationwide sweep of illegal immigrants, the Department of Homeland Security raided the offices of the major cable news networks in an attempt to ferret out employees who have been masquerading as American citizens. Rounded up in the crackdown were some of the biggest names in conservative punditry including Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Pat Buchanan. All three men had fraudulent identity documents at the time of their arrest.

During the course of an initial investigation, it was discovered that O'Reilly, Hannity and Buchanan were actually Irish citizens who had entered the country illegally many years ago. Investigators also found that they had good reason to leave Ireland. Bill O'Reilly was fleeing from a sexual deviancy charge in Limerick involving a dominatrix and a vat of unpasteurized cheese. Sean Hannity had escaped from a prison in Cork where he was serving a five year sentence for vandalizing a rectory. And, Pat Buchanan was wanted for arson, petty theft, larceny and narcotics trafficking in Dublin before he came to America by walking across the rugged unguarded border with Canada.

After a brief hearing, all three men were deported to Ireland where they were placed into custody by Irish authorities.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Vegetarian Party Overtakes Republicans In Public Support

Baltimore, Maryland - A recent poll taken by the Academy of Herbivores shows that the Vegetarian Party has surged past the Republican Party in public support. Much of this gain is attributed to the declining level of trust given to the Republican Party by the American people. In particular, the poll found that two out of three Americans feel that Republicans do not share their values, are too extreme, greedy and corrupt. In fact, when asked, a large majority said they would rather be represented in congress by a goat than a Republican.

A detailed analysis of the poll also found that the mainstays of the modern Republican Party, racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and misogyny have reduced the base of the GOP to the thirty percent of the public that are racist, xenophobic, homophobic misogynists while alienating the remaining seventy percent of Americans. This formula may have worked for the Republicans in the past but it seems to have lost its effectiveness in the last election cycle.

If present trends continue, the American government will remain a contest between two major political parties. However, those two parties will be the Democratic Party and the Vegetarian Party.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Barbara Bush Spanks Boy George In Public

Kennebunkport, Maine - George W. Bush may be president of the United States but when he misbehaves, Barbara Bush is still the commander-in-chief. In an embarrassing incident at one of Kennebunkport's most exclusive restaurants, Le Petite Fromage, the president learned, once again, never to cross his mother. It began innocently enough at a family dinner to celebrate a Christmas bonus of fourteen million dollars given to the president's father by the Carlyle Group, a major weapons supplier whose profits have skyrocketed over the last six years.

Tensions were already riding high at the beginning of the meal when the president and his father got into a heated exchange about who was the better president. At one point, the current president called the former president "a pathetic one-termer" which led George Herbert Walker Bush to respond by saying, "Yeah, well, at least I didn't lose a war."

That remark seemed to send the president over the edge as he shouted back at his father, "You are nothin' but a wimp. You didn't have the balls to go into Baghdad and finish off Saddam so I had to." The former president, also getting angrier by the second, then said, "You're a loser, son. You've always been a loser. If it wasn't for me and my friends you would be a bankrupt alcoholic rotting in the gutter somewhere."

Turning red in the face, the president then started yelling to his father, "Wimp! Wimp! Wimp!"

And the former president replied, "Loser! Loser! Loser!"

And on and on it went until George W. Bush, in a fit of exasperation, finally yelled out "And Laura is a much better first lady than mom ever was."

At that point, the president's insolence was more than Barbara Bush could bear. She grabbed her wayward son by his arm and threw him over her knees. Then, the notoriously aggressive matriarch pulled down the president's pants and gave him a spanking on his bare behind that he will long remember.

Witnesses at the restaurant heard the president yell out in pain, "Momma, momma, please don't hurt me. Stop! Please stop! I'll be a good boy." When Barbara Bush refused to stop and continued to slap his bottom, the president called out for the secret service to intervene. However, as the agents began to approach Barbara Bush, the former first lady stopped them dead in their tracks by saying, "If you think you're tough, try messing with me. Your next assignments will be cleaning port-a-potties for the National Park Service." The agents then retreated to the nearest corner and waited patiently until the former first lady was done administering some Bush family discipline. The sobbing president then pulled up his pants and left the restaurant before dessert was served.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Pentagon Divorces Republican Party After Iraq Disaster

Washington, D.C. - Numerous high ranking officials at the Pentagon have told Assimilated Press that the American military has ended its close affiliation with the Republican Party in what amounts to an acrimonious divorce. These sources angrily stated that the entire civilian leadership of the Bush administration has abused the trust of America's fighting men and women and mislead the nation into a quagmire that has severely tarnished the image and fighting capacity of the American military for generations to come.

General Pete 'Crusty' Armstrong was one of the few officials willing to risk his career by speaking on the record. He said, "Our affiliation with the Republicans has been disastrous. They have led us to ruin and sorrow. They have destroyed our reputation and, in the end, blamed us for their terrible judgment and mistakes. When we, in the Pentagon, made the strategic decision to join forces with the Republican Party, we thought it would make the country stronger and safer. Man, we could not have been more wrong. We should have joined with the Democrats or at least stayed neutral. The only thing the Republicans have done is waste thousands of lives and billions of dollars. Sure, Halliburton and Exxon Mobil come out of this in great shape. It's our troops who are suffering and what for? So Iran can pick up the pieces of Iraq and Bush can pretend that he isn't the same coward who was AWOL during the Vietnam War. We were fools for thinking that the Republican Party was our natural ally and now we are paying the price for our mistake."

The White House has refused numerous requests to comment on this report.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

US Economy To Shift From Dollar To Barter

Washington, D.C. - Officials at the Treasury Department announced today that, starting early next year, the United States would be moving from a dollar based economy to the older and more traditional barter system widely used during the Middle Ages for the transfer of commodities between individuals, organizations and countries. Speaking to reporters, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson said that this radical departure from modern economic practices was made necessary by the rapidly falling value of the dollar which has seen the nation's wealth decline precipitously over the last 6 years. Paulson also stated that, "The barter system may date back to the dawn of civilization but it does have some advantages. It is very simple to learn and easy to use."

Though this new policy is said to have certain benefits for the domestic marketplace, it is being greeted with a great deal of hostility among creditor nations that hold American IOUs. In particular, it has drawn an angry reaction from China after they were informed that America's national debt would now be paid in kumquats rather than dollars. In response to China's concerns, Paulson said that America would be willing to substitute pork bellies for kumquats as a means to payoff the debt if that would suit the Chinese better. So far, there has been no official response from Chinese officials to this generous offer.

In order to make the transition to a barter system as smooth as possible, banks have been told that they will be required to receive grain, fruit, vegetables and livestock as legal currency once these new measures take effect. The government has also issued an initial exchange rate that is to be used as a guideline for bartered goods. A pair of shoes will cost approximately 20 lbs of potatoes. A television set 150 lbs of flour, and a 5 lb bag of carrots will cost 5 lbs of onions.

Monday, December 11, 2006

CNN Hires Neo-Nazi & Former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke

Atlanta, Georgia - In an effort to bolster their appeal to conservative viewers and also increase their ratings at the expense of Fox News, CNN announced today that they have hired former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard and present day neo-Nazi David Duke as an on-air commentator. He will be joining Glenn Beck and William Bennett who together with Duke have also been chosen by CNN to represent their corporate face to the American public.

In presenting this addition to their programming schedule, Jim Walton, president of CNN Worldwide, said "David Duke, Glenn Beck and William Bennett are the future of CNN and the direction we see as providing the greatest opportunities for our shareholders. Quite simply, it's time to face reality. Objective reporting of the news is dead. It's been dying for a long time and today we finally pulled the plug and took it off life support. The formula for success in this business is opinion and the rawer and rougher the better. Nobody watches television for facts or information anymore. They want their shows to be a contact sport. They want controversy, fights, winners and losers. Polarization may be bad for society but it's great for ratings and that's what we aim to deliver."

On his first appearance as a commentator for CNN, David Duke will be broadcasting live from the Reichstag in Berlin where he will talk about immigration and the preservation of America as a white Christian nation of European ancestry.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Starting January 1 The Iraq War Never Happened

Washington, D.C. - In a stunning turnabout meant to nullify the loss of the Iraq War and restore American prestige, President Bush has decided to adapt a brilliant new strategy developed by the same neoconservatives who first advocated the invasion of Iraq. The authors of the plan, who include Vice President Dick Cheney, say that it is simple, easy to accomplish and revolves around one central tenet, a new beginning.

Effective at 2:00 a.m. local time on January 1, 2007 the United States will implement what will henceforth be known as Iraq Saving Time. On that date, all residents of the United States will be required to set their calendars back four years to January 1, 2003, more than two months before the start of the Iraq War.

On the first day of Iraq Saving Time, President Bush will address the nation to say that he is pouring more troops into Afghanistan to make certain that Osama Bin Laden is captured and that the Taliban are completely defeated thus ensuring that Afghanistan becomes a secure and stable country. The President will also state that UN weapons inspectors in Iraq are doing a thorough job at keeping Saddam Hussein in check and that there will be no invasion of Iraq since Iraq has nothing to do with the war on terror.

As a result of the new Iraq Saving Time, the Democratic takeover of Congress will also be nullified, President Bush's approval ratings will return to stratospheric levels and Pluto will still be a planet. However, the price of gas will remain at present levels and Vice President Dick Cheney will still shoot his friend in the face.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Iraq Study Group Sent To Guantanamo By Bush

Washington, D.C. - Upon receiving the Iraq Study Group's report, President Bush flew into a blind rage and ordered that the entire ten member bipartisan panel be sent immediately to Guantanamo for re-education. The Office of Internal Vigilance operating from within the Department of Homeland Security carried out the president's instructions despite a last minute call from the presidents father, George Herbert Walker Bush, who pleaded with his son not to take this action. According to close aides who witnessed the confrontation, the president said to his father before hanging up, "Stay out of my face, old man. I don't need your damn advice. I'm twice the man you are."

Assimilated Press was also told by sources from within the White House that the President was especially angry with James Baker who he called "A traitor and a self-serving weasel." However, Bush did express confidence that, after a little waterboarding and some non-lethal beatings, the Iraq Study Group would see fit to issue a new report in which they would wholeheartedly support the present Bush policy of maintaining status quo until Iraq becomes the next administration's problem.

Speaking to friends shortly before he was detained and transferred to Guantanamo, former Secret of State James Baker admitted that the Iraq Study Group Report was a deeply flawed political document that did little more than state the obvious fact that the war in Iraq has been an unmitigated strategic disaster for America. He was also particularly pained that he was put in the middle of a battle of wills between the 41st and 43rd presidents or as he called it, "Torn between two Bushes." Still, in the end, Baker felt certain that the report provided enough fig leafs to go around and that the Saudis would be pleased with his work.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Licking Toads & Public Nudity

Palm Beach, Florida - The clock strikes 12 twice a day. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The swallows return to Capistrano every March 19th. And, once again, Rush Limbaugh has been arrested for drug usage. This time his offense is even more unusual than his last run in with the police when he was busted sniffing the nitrous oxide out of whipping cream cans in the dairy section of the Palm Beach Piggly Wiggly. After that offense, Limbaugh's attorney, Roy Black, was able to get the charges against the talk show host dismissed by claiming that Limbaugh was suffering from emotional distress due to a flare up of the festering boil on his buttocks that has plagued him ever since it led to his draft deferment during the Vietnam War. It is doubtful, however, that the local magistrate will be so forgiving after this latest encounter with the law.

The famous right-wing talk show host's most recent rendezvous with the criminal justice system occurred on Tuesday when police received frantic calls saying that there was a naked obese man crawling on his hands and knees down the middle of North Ocean Drive, the scenic coastal road that traverses some of the most valuable ocean front real estate in the world. When the police arrived on the scene they found an extremely intoxicated nude individual blocking traffic while lying prostrate on the road. Upon closer inspection, they discovered that the man was licking a Cane Toad (Bufo marinus) which secrets a highly toxic substance that accumulates on its skin. Among drug connoisseurs, the chemical from a Cane Toad is said to trigger a hallucinatory experience.

One of the officers on the scene recognized the suspect as Rush Limbaugh and attempted to reason with him as several other officers tried to move him off of the thoroughfare. Unfortunately, Limbaugh resisted their efforts and took off running toward the beach shouting, "I am a butterfly, a pretty, pretty little butterfly."

The police pursued him into the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton hotel where they finally were able to subdue him. Limbaugh was then charged with public nudity, use of an illegal substance and animal cruelty. He was released two hours later and was soon back on the air with his daily radio show.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Merck Creates Placebo That Cures All Ailments

Whitehouse Station, New Jersey - In what may be the most important medical advancement since the invention of penicillin, the giant pharmaceutical company Merck has announced the introduction of a new improved and super powerful placebo that has the capability to cure every disease and ailment known to mankind. It is called Super Placebo Plus and will be officially released on January 1, 2007 in a move meant to signify the dawning of a new age in drug therapy.

A jubilant Richard T. Clark, Chief Executive Officer and President of Merck, spoke for the company at the unveiling of this revolutionary product when he said, "Super Placebo Plus represents years of research and hard work. Many men and women have labored long. Many mice and rats have died. Many prisoners, students and other human subjects have suffered grievous injuries as we made improvement after improvement along the way. In the end, we emerged victorious with Super Placebo Plus, the all purpose, all powerful drug for all afflictions."

Wall Street reacted favorably to the news sending Merck shares to record highs. In addition, the long term outlook for the pharmaceutical company has also improved as the financial losses and damages to its reputation from the Vioxx fiasco are expected to soon be erased as their new drug surges to market dominance.

Prices for Super Placebo Plus will be a twelve dollars per pill. Suggested usage is one pill per day for life. Consult your doctor for a free sample and then get your prescription for a lifetime of health and happiness.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Onion Picks Up 4 Month Old Assimilated Press Story

New York, New York - Assimilated Press learned today that the Onion has picked up an Assimilated Press story on the banning of evolution in Kansas. The original story from Assimilated Press published almost five months ago can be read here. The more verbose Onion version of the story published last week can be read here.

Assimilated Press takes it as a great accomplishment that with its extremely limited resources it was able to get its star investigative reporter on the scene in Kansas to break the story months before any of its major competitors had it. Assimilated Press will continue to provide this quality coverage of the news so that readers can rest assured that when something is happening that they need to know, they will get the story here first.

Ken Starr Caught Selling Pornography To Support Drug Habit

Toledo, Ohio - Police in Toledo today arrested former Special Prosecutor Ken Starr for possession of crack cocaine and the selling of pornography to a minor. The incident occurred shortly after midnight in an abandoned warehouse frequented by addicts and prostitutes. A plain clothes detective witnessed Starr selling hardcore photos of Britney Spears to an adolescent shortly before he purchased a small quantity of crack cocaine from a known dealer.

As Starr was taken into custody he pleaded with the officers to let him go and said that he had powerful friends who would take care of them if they cooperated. Detective Allen, one of the arresting officers, said "Starr freaked out when we put the handcuffs on him. He was offering us money and telling us that he was close friends with President Bush and Vice President Cheney and that we would be rewarded if we just let him go. Of course, we didn't know who he was when we cuffed him. To us, he was just another junkie going down."

A few hours after being taken into custody, Starr was released on bail and immediately entered a rehabilitation center. His only comment to reporters was that he hoped people wouldn't judge him too harshly for selling pornography to a minor because he "was only doing it to support his crack habit."