Friday, June 05, 2009

Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin spotted in local eatery

Davis, CA - Former vice president Dick Cheney and Alaskan governor Sarah Palin were spotted today at the Applebee's restaurant in Davis, California. Though they were seated in a corner booth for privacy, patrons at local tables were able to overhear parts of their discussion which was reputed to be very animated. 

According to nearby diners, Cheney and Palin began to plot the resurrection of the Republican Party over an appetizer of golden fried mozzarella sticks. The two politicians were fired up and Ideas were bandied about with delirious enthusiasm. Should they advocate closing the border with Mexico, introduce national ID cards, reinstitute loyalty oaths, make the pledge of allegiance mandatory for every man, woman and child in the country, allow guns and rifles to be purchased at gas stations and convenience stores for easier access to impulse buyers? 

After a few pomegranate margaritas, their conversation then turned to a favorite topic among many conservatives, the forming of a new alliance of states combining the deep south with Utah and Alaska, a concept which is commonly referred to by its proponents as New America or America 2.0. Apparently, Cheney and Palin were able to agree that the capital of this new sovereign entity would be Burnett, Texas.

Although all indications were that this was a friendly conversation, one awkward moment did occur when Cheney and Palin argued over who would be the leader of New America. By all accounts, it appears that Cheney easily won this dispute but that Palin was mollified by the offer of a very generous per diem. 

Cheney had the quesadilla burger and Palin had the Italian chicken portobello sandwich. Judging from the look on the waitress's face, they did not leave a good tip.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Spielberg to direct Rush Limbaugh biopic

Academy award winning director Steven Spielberg has taken on the difficult task of turning the life of conservative icon Rush Limbaugh into a feature length film. On the surface this would appear to be an unusual choice for the famous director, however, Spielberg is rumored to have said in the past that he is fascinated by the Republican talk show host and the near total control he has over his followers known as dittoheads. 

Taking a psychological approach, the movie will explore the blind obedience of Rush's listeners and their apparent willingness to surrender their free will and reason to some multimillionaire broadcasting from a studio near his mansion in Palm Beach. It will also ask the questions many Americans are anxious to have answered. Who are these dittoheads? Why are they so willing to sacrifice their most sacred possession, their minds, to a talk show jockey who is not an expert on anything? And, finally, are dittoheads a potent political force or just an army of sponges soaking up swill all day long?

Insiders who have viewed the first draft of the script said that it will be a hard hitting picture that will combine the best of Vaudeville with the deepest emotional trauma of Greek Tragedy. Production is expected to start in January with Roseanne Barr playing the role of Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Arlen Specter switches to Vegetarian Party

Senator Arlen Specter continued to confound the political establishment with his latest seismic shift in party loyalty. The shocking event occurred Friday night at the Whole Earth Festival in Davis, California when a shirtless and barefoot Specter approached a group of stunned onlookers and announced his decision to leave the Democratic Party so that he could join the Vegetarian Party.

With the hauntingly beautiful voice of Ursula Knudson from the band Fishtank Ensemble in the near-distance and the smell of garlic fries seemingly everywhere, the senator loudly proclaimed that his "views are more closely aligned with the Vegetarians than with either the Democrats or Republicans."

True to his contrarian nature, Specter then stated that "this doesn't mean that I will always adhere to the party line. I will still have an occasional cheeseburger or a big juicy steak because that is the kind of independent minded person I am."

Senator Specter then joined hands with a lithesome raven haired girl and began dancing in the drum circle.

There has been no comment from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid or any of Specter's senate colleagues concerning this latest development.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Miss California to run for US senate

In a move that is sure to make California politics more entertaining than usual, anti-gay rights activist, breast implant charity recipient and current Miss California, Carrie Prejean, is making a bid to extend her 15 minutes of fame by challenging Barbara Boxer for her senate seat in the 2010 election. Miss California said she would be running as the Republican nominee since it is the party that most closely reflects her views on gays, god and breast implants.

Calling herself a simple girl with simple-minded values, the Miss America runner-up said she would go to Washington to work tirelessly to restore America to its Christian roots but that nonbelievers should not be afraid of her because she is a compassionate person who will "tolerate those who are going to burn in hell for eternity."

Miss California also made it clear that the severe economic problems facing the country will be near the top of her agenda when she stated that "any stimulus package that passes while I am in Congress will include free breast implants for every girl over the age of 17 and if that doesn't arouse the economy out of its limp state then I don't know what a stimulus package is."

Concerning the recent uproar over her nude photos, Miss California showed her political acumen by cleverly attempting to turn the controversy into an advantage by saying, "Who would the public rather see nude, me or Barbara Boxer?"

Interest in the election is expected to be high and talks are already underway to offer the Miss California/Barbara Boxer debates on Pay Per View.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Rush Limbaugh Responsible for Swine Flu Pandemic

Atlanta, GA - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) today declared that inflammatory radio talk show personality Rush Limbaugh was responsible for the spread of swine flu in the United States.

"Let's face it," said Tammy Flew, spokesperson for the CDC, "the man is a pig. Really. That's not a metaphor. We've checked his DNA; ol' Rush is a porker. That's all, folks!"

Public Relations executives for Mr. Limbaugh did not return repeated calls for comment.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Daily Show in Cheney Payoff Scandal

Assimilated Press has confirmed rumors of a payoff scheme between The Daily Show's Jon Stewart and former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney, who has recently gone on record accusing the Obama Administration of opening up America to increased attacks from terrorists, was seen pocketing a large check from a Daily Show staffer.

The image, caught by telephoto lens by independent journalist Andy Borowitz, shows a Daily Show intern, disguised as a Republican, waiting outside a television studio holding a sign saying "We Love Our Dick" and standing in line to shake the former Vice President's hand.

Assimilated Press' crack team of photoanalysts have examined the image and verified that the paper being pocketed by Cheney is a check made out for $100,000, signed by Jon Stewart, with the note on the lower left hand side of the check reading "for services rendered."

Daily Show alumnus and Jon Stewart associate, Stephen Colbert, staunchly denies the charges, but concedes "there is an element of truthiness" about the rumor.

"After all, Dick Cheney was the greatest thing that ever happened to American satire," said Mr. Colbert. "How often do you get to riff your comedy off a true evil genius who's so totally in charge of the biggest devaluation of American ideals in recorded history?"

" Now, I'm not saying that there really is any truth to the rumors that Jon [Stewart] is trying to keep Cheney in play, " continued Mr. Colbert, "but hey, I mean, who heard from Walter Mondale after his term was over? What happened to Dan Quayle? To let Cheney just go quietly off into that good night - what a waste!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sorry - Another "Not Funny"

There is an article on Raw Story about the use of Federal troops for routine police business (directing traffic) in Samson, Alabama after a mass murder shooting.

According to Raw Story the Army is investigating whether proper authorization was obtained and whether protocol was followed prior to federal troops being deployed within our domestic borders.

The concern seems to be that the Posse Comitatus Act prohibiting the use of troops within the US was violated.

If only that were the real issue.

The Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 was essentially voided by the Bush Administration in 2006.

In that year the Insurrection Act [10 U.S.C.331 -335) was susperceded by the passage of Public Law 109-364, or the "John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007" (H.R.5122) which allows the President to declare a "public emergency" (to be defined by the Executive without Congressional approval) allowing the President to take control of state troops (without a Governor's approval) and to deploy federal troops within domestic borders to contain “public disorder” (again to be defined by the Executive alone)*

The sad fact is that once power is ceded to the Executive Branch, the Executive - no matter who the occupant or which party the occupier- is loath to give it back.

Whether proper protocols were followed in the use of federal troops within our domestic borders recently as in the case of Samson. Alabama is a fairly minor point.

The much larger issue is that this option is now legal.

*See also, Congressional Research Service Report for Congress, "The Use of Federal Troops for Disaster Assistance: Legal Issues," by Jennifer K. Elsea, Legislative Attorney, August 14, 2006)

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Rush Limbaugh & Republicans Offer Oxycontin Solution

Palm Beach, Florida - Today, in a hastily scheduled meeting of Republican senators and representatives, the assembled chieftains of the GOP, by a voice vote and without debate, unanimously adopted the economic plan of their Supreme Leader, Rush Limbaugh.

This economic plan, commonly referred to as The Oxycontin Solution, will provide no stimulus to the economy and no relief to suffering Americans struggling to survive during these extremely difficult times. Instead, Rush Limbaugh and the Republican Party will advocate more tax breaks for multinational corporations and wealthy individuals along with drastic cuts in Social Security, Medicare, child nutrition and public education.

However, the centerpiece of the plan is the free distribution of Oxycontin to every man, woman and child in the United States which is meant to show the compassionate side of the Republican Party and more importantly to help quell any embarrassing rioting and rebellion from disaffected and desperate citizens.

Speaking from experience, Rush Limbaugh told his Republican followers that "giving Oxycontin to Americans will make their financial problems and painful struggles disappear into a blissful stupefying numbness that will, as I discovered, make their soul deadening emptiness bearable. My friends, as sure as God is a member of the GOP and the Devil a Democrat, Oxycontin will bring the Republican Party back to power."

As is customary at Republican gatherings, this policy decision was voted on after the ritual slaughter of three fawns, two cockatiels and a polar bear cub which, to the delight of all, were served with a fine bernaise sauce, raw oysters and quail eggs.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Chloe The Clever Turkey Outwits President Bush

Publisher's note: In honor of Thanksgiving we are republishing the heartwarming story of President George W. Bush and Chloe The Clever Turkey. Enjoy!

Washington, D.C. - In the annals of history there have been great epic contests between the giants of the world stage. There was Alexander and Darius III, Napoleon and Wellington, Grant and Lee, Ali and Fraser, the Celtics and the Lakers, and now added to their ranks is the story of President Bush and Chloe the Turkey.

At first, it seemed an obvious mismatch. After all, how could a flightless bird with a brain the size of a pea compete with the President of the world's mightiest nation. Still, it is these events, where one of the participants comes in as a heavy underdog, that legends are made, and so it is with Chloe the Turkey.

It all began on the day of the traditional White House Thanksgiving ceremony where every year a turkey is saved from an early death by a presidential pardon. However, what isn't commonly known is that there are two turkeys sent to the White House before the ceremony, one to be pardoned and one to be eaten. On this day the two turkeys sent were named Gertrude and Chloe. As fate would have it, Gertrude was selected to be saved while Chloe was selected to be served.

Then, on Thanksgiving morning, after the pardoning of Gertrude, President Bush did what he has done every year since he left home at the age of 42. He dressed up in his old National Guard uniform and prepared to personally slaughter the hapless turkey chosen for the Bush family dinner. As the president entered the kitchen carrying a shiny butcher knife, Chloe caught the glimmer of the sharp steel blade and instinctively knew that the end was close at hand unless decisive action was taken. Seizing the moment, Chloe slipped out of tethered rope keeping her captive and lunged at the startled president who turned and tried to escape from the brave turkey as she fought for her life. As President Bush ran from the kitchen and down the hallway, Chloe was in close pursuit and constantly pecked at his now bloody and raw backside.

Responding to the President's screams for help, secret service agents converged on the scene and began firing their weapons at the ferocious fowl causing White House visitors and employees to flee in panic. In the confusion that followed, Chloe spotted an open window and made her move. In two swift motions, she jumped onto a chair and then out of the window. Running as fast has any turkey has ever run before, Chloe headed towards the sun and was never seen again.

With the Bush family Thanksgiving dinner in jeopardy and no turkey to be found at this late date, Chef Jacques Blovel resorted to a drastic measure he had not used since his early days as a cook in a café in Marseilles. He butchered a stray cat found earlier in the day on the White House grounds and stuffed it with the President's favorite sausage dressing. Served with candied yams and healthy portions of mashed potatoes and gravy, the meal turned into a surprising success.

Said Barbara Bush, the President's mother and matriarch of the Bush clan, "Cat tastes better than I thought it would. I think next year we should try one deep fried."

And so ends the story of Chloe the Clever Turkey. The bravest and smartest turkey the world has ever seen.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Bill O'Reilly Renounces American Citizenship

New York, New York - Bill O'Reilly stunned his Fox News Channel audience today with an announcement that he would immediately renounce his American citizenship and move to Paraguay with his soul mate, conservative pundit Ann Coulter.

Saying he could not live in a country run by godless Democrats, O'Reilly pledged to retire from broadcasting so that he could devote all of his time to his true passions, growing loofahs and watching pornography involving sex with female employees in subordinate positions.

Executives at Fox News, in a cost cutting measure, decided to broadcast reruns of The O'Reilly Factor for the next 8 years after several focus groups confirmed what had been common knowledge in the industry, that Fox viewers were unable to tell the difference between new shows and those that were previously broadcast. The focus groups also showed that Fox viewers could not tell left from right, and that they did not know who is buried in Grant's Tomb.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sarah Palin Shoots Giraffe In Cincinnati Zoo

Cincinnati, Ohio - Today, while taking a break from an End of Times convention in Cincinnati, Governor Sarah Palin went for a short walk with her aides and ended up in the city zoo. Marveling at the variety of animals all around her, the Governor mistakenly thought she had accidentally stumbled into a hunters' paradise.

Taking advantage of the situation she quickly pulled her trusty 9mm Glock 17 out of her Hermès Birkin bag and shot dead the zoo's prize Reticulated Giraffe in front of a large group of horrified school children. Governor Palin then ordered her aides to cut off its head and ship it back to Alaska for her trophy room.

Remarking to reporters later in the day, Palin said, "I had no idea Ohio had such a wide variety of native species. I'm comin' back next week with Todd and were gonna get us some more funny looking creatures."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Supreme Court Ponders "Gumby or Pokey?"

Pleasant Grove City, Utah – The Pokey Pals Society thought that their gift of a 40-foot Pokey statue for Pioneer Park would be welcomed by their neighbors in Pleasant Grove City; they were wrong.

“It was quite a surprise to us,” said Pokey Pals President Marcia Funebre. “Pioneer Park already has a 40-foot statue of Gumby. We thought that a Pokey would be a good addition.”

The case involves both mainstream Gumbyism and its established Church of The Imaginary Friend and the more exotic sect of Equusism (the worship of large rubber orange horses).

"This is clearly a matter of religious freedom and the Establishment Clause," said Tucker Yap, attorney for The Giddyup Group, a consortium of Equustrians. "Either all monuments to imaginary friends are accepted in a public park or none are. This city cannot chose to prefer one imaginary friend over another."

Attorneys for Pleasant Grove City have countered that the giant statue of Gumby in the public space represents the city's history and that it has no link to establishment of religion.

The Supreme Court heard the case Wednesday, and a verdict is expected by summer.

Satirists Mourn Passing of Palin Candidacy

New York – Columnists, stand-up comics and political cartoonists gathered today to mourn the passing of the McCain-Palin candidacy of 2008. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin provided bountiful material to satirize from her gosh-darn speaking style to her television interviews, public statements and press conferences. Although Gov Palin still offers herself as a target, for example during the recent Republican Governor’s Convention it is just not the same as when she was clearly at the center of a national media-storm.

“It was like shooting fish in a barrel,” said a somber Andy Borowitz, “It was like getting paid to fall off a log, or to wake up in the morning. Now I’ll have to think up jokes about Obama’s ears.

“All I had to do was put my hair up,” said Tina Fey, a bit wistfully. “We didn’t write anything, we just took it straight from the [Katie] Couric interview. How sweet is that?”

Political cartoonists were subdued. Tom Toles noted that "Sarah Palin jokes were like taking a vacation." Don Asmussen agreed, "Palin jokes just worked on so many levels."

“Well,” replied Jon Stewart, “we’ll still have Biden.”

Monday, November 10, 2008

NRA Worried Obama Will Ban Backyard Nuclear Missile Silos

Denver – National Rifle Association spokesmen are worried that President-elect Obama will curb Second Amendment rights and ban backyard nuclear missile silos. Congressional House Rep. Paul Broun (Georgia-R) has deep fears that Senator Obama will turn the USA into a military dictatorship upon assuming the Presidency.

Rep. Broun said, “We’re Americans. It is our God-given right to kill things with large, phallic-shaped objects.”

Reagan Offers Obama Advice

Washington, DC - Former President Reagan offered his advice on the preparation needed for the Presidency today in a séance held at The Heritage Foundation by former Senator Rick Santorum.

Ronald Reagan, who died in 2004, was president from 1981-1989 and had a wealth of advice to offer President –elect Barack Obama, according to séance participants.

Obama, in his first news conference, took exception to consulting Reagan and made a point of saying he had consulted former presidents, stipulating “all of them that are living.”

When asked for a comment on Sen. Obama’s specific exclusion of dead presidents, Mr. Reagan replied, “Well, there you go again.”

Did Cheney Shred Dry Cleaning Tickets By Mistake?

Washington, DC – Beltway insiders are saying that the missing dry cleaning tickets needed to claim Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s clothing may have been shredded by Vice President Cheney in error.

“You know how it is when there’s a transition of administrations,” said a senior administration official who preferred to remain anonymous, “there’s so much shredding to be done and e-mails to be deleted and phone records destroyed and people to send to Antarctica. We think Dick just got a little carried away. He saw something that looked like documentation so naturally he wanted to get rid of it.”

The Vice President was not available for comment. The Vice President’s office released a statement to the press that said, in part, “Vice President Cheney is doing his best to tidy up so everything is nice and clean for Sen. Biden.”

RNC Loses Dry Cleaning Ticket For Palin's Clothes

Juneau – The Republican National Committee frantically searched today for the dry cleaning receipts for clothes worn by Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her family. The clothes, bought by a wealthy Republican donor, were to be returned to the RNC for donation to charity. Governor Palin brought the clothes to A-1 Dry Cleaning located at 250 Ted Stevens Blvd, received the tickets for the clothing and gave the tickets to the RNC. However, the RNC misplaced the tickets and A-1 Dry Cleaning owner Tucker Yap refuses to release the clothes without the tickets.

“You can’t just waltz on in here and say ‘that’s my suit’,” said Mr. Yap, “I need some proof. No ticket, no clothes. I don’t know how they do it in fancy places, but that’s the way we do it here in Alaska.”

RNC members searched their wallets, the car and their hotel room. Hotel employees denied seeing the dry cleaning tickets. Marcia Funebre, of the RNC, said that other evidence would be supplied to A-1 Dry Cleaning to document ownership, but Mr. Yap was unmoved.

“You need the ticket,” Mr. Yap explained to Ms Funebre. “All you got here is a picture of Sarah Palin wearing a suit. As far as I’m concerned if she’s wearing it, it’s hers – do you wear other peoples’ clothes?”

The RNC insists that it will continue to search for the dry cleaning tickets.

Palin's Clothing Being Returned

Juneau – During the presidential campaign Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stated repeatedly that all clothing bought for herself and her family on a wealthy donors’ charge card belonged to the Republican Party. The clothing, worth over $150,000, is being returned to the RNC for other use.

Marcia Funebre, representing the RNC, said that certain items will be auctioned off on eBay with the proceeds going to the RNC’s favorite charity “Elect GOP 2012.” Those items of clothing that do not sell will be “put to good use.”

One person waiting to receive his share of the clothing is Joe the Plumber. “I never tried silk jockey shorts. You just never know, I might like them. Stranger things have happened, like folks in North Carolina voting for a black guy. And if I don’t like those silk shorts they’ll be good for cleaning the windshield or something.”

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Reid Places Lieberman On Permanent Probation

Washington, D.C. - Today, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that he would let Senator Joe Lieberman keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee but that Lieberman would now be on permanent probation that would subject him to being removed from the prestigious committee chair at a moment's notice.

In a brief press conference Reid said, "The problem with Senator Lieberman is that he is disloyal, dishonest and completely untrustworthy. That said, we may need him from time to time to override a filibuster and quite frankly, that's is about all he is good for. So, I am going to let him keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee for the moment, but if he goes against us and supports a Republican filibuster or if he uses his committee to harass President Obama, he will immediately be stripped of his chairmanship."

Senator Lieberman was said to be pleased with this decision by Reid but that he was still weighing his options and waiting for the Republican counter-offer.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Add This To Your "Favorites"

For the next 74 days add this site to your "Favorites" . It is the new website of the President-elect, set up 11/06.

The Obama campaign was digitally savvy, using everything from cellphones to networking sites to YouTube for their advantage in getting donations, reaching voters and getting out the vote.

We can expect that the communications from the new incoming administration will capitalize on that success.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Joe the Plumber Holds Joe Camel and Joe Sixpack Hostage

Wasilla - Police responding to a domestic disturbance Wednesday night in downtown Wasilla Alaska discovered Joe the Plumber had barricaded himself in his new home and was holding Joe Camel and Joe Sixpack hostage.

According to former neighbor Average Joe in Ohio, Joe the Plumber, aka Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, had vowed to flee to Alaska if Ohio turned “blue” Tuesday night and the majority of state voters voted for Obama over the Republican slate.

“He was very upset Tuesday night,” said Average Joe, “He kept yelling something about ‘My 15 minutes of fame aren’t up yet! A black man was elected! It’s The End Times! Run to Alaska! Run! Run!”

Wasilla police spent 6 hours in tense negotiations with Joe the Plumber, finally securing the release of Joe Sixpack and Joe Camel only after Sean Hannity promised Joe the Plumber a guest spot on Fox television.

Per the police, Joe the Plumber indicated that he felt betrayed that both Joe Sixpack and Joe Camel had voted for Obama. A shaken Joe Sixpack told police, “Yeah, of course I voted for Obama. Just because I enjoy a beer doesn’t make me an idiot.” Joe Camel was treated at Wasilla General Hospital for minor injuries and released.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Republicans Are Afraid Of Voters

Get out and vote. Get your friends and neighbors to vote. Make the margin so large that it will be impossible to steal.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Alaska Separates From U.S. & Makes Palin President

Juneau, Alaska - A large group a people from the Alaskan Independence Party surrounded the Alaska Capital Building with hundreds of snowmobiles this weekend and then seized control of the Alaska legislature in a predawn attack. Todd Palin, a leader of the Alaska Independence Party, then removed the American flag from the Capital Building and threw it in a dumpster before replacing it with the new flag of the independent country of Alaska showing a polar bear being shot from a helicopter.

Todd Palin then proclaimed that his wife, Sarah Palin, was no longer governor but was now President of Alaska. In accepting her ascendance to the leadership of the country of Alaska, President Sarah Palin thanked her husband Todd and all of the patriots who rescued Alaska from the "non-patriotic non-believing devil worshippers of the Lower 48."

In her first official act as president of Alaska, Sarah Palin revoked all of the treaties and obligations binding Alaska to the United States of America and declared that "Alaska would no longer honor any extradition agreements between the independent country of Alaska and the United States."

In reaction, a visibly pleased Senator Ted Stevens said, "Long live the sovereign nation of Alaska!"

Friday, October 31, 2008

Cheney Evaluating Living Abroad?

Washington, D.C. - According to Administration insiders Vice President Dick Cheney was seen recently reading a tall stack of travel brochures. Per the Vice President's press office, "Vice President Cheney, having worked long and hard for the American people as a public servant, deserves a little vacation."

But, inside the Beltway, the speculation is that Cheney is planning more than a "little vacation."

"There are over 50 countries that have no extradition treaty with the United States," said Tucker Yap, international legal scholar. "It is possible that the Vice President is looking into his options."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

All Obama, All The Time

Well, if you don't care for Obama don't watch t.v. tonight.

There will be a "infomercial"- type Obama campaign ad tonight at 8 pm Eastern, Obama will be on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart later, and in Orlando there will be a late-night rally featuring Obama and his brand-new campaign buddy Bill Clinton.

If you're a Republican, it might be a good night to read a book; may I suggest The Audacity of Hope?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The October, November, December, January Surprises

The Bush Administration is in office through the first 3 weeks of January. In all the excitement, the polls, the debates and that "lame duck" label it's easy to forget they are still in control.

They have almost 3 months in which to create more chaos:

The EPA, now renamed the Environmental Pollution Agency, will be lowering protections further by allowing more power plant emissions into the air.

The Endangered Species are getting even more endangered.

The White House desperately wants to sign an accord by January 1, 2009 with Iraq which states we'll be in that country an additional 3 years; this accord even has a clause that says "cancellation of this agreement requires a written notice provided one year in advance." (If we don't do that I guess we forfeit our security deposit. It didn't say whether Iraq would be required to repaint prior to the next occupation.)

Speaking of security of our homeland, the White House also doesn't want to abide by the law because following the law might allow Congress undoctored information.

Recently we've invaded the sovereign space of Syria. We've already conducted military operations in Pakistan. These actions were without the knowledge or consent of the affected countries. (Of course, America has a long history of invading one place and then oozing into another; Vietnam, Laos - whatever.)

And, it's only October. What other nasty surprises are in store? I just don't see Cheney leaving office without bombarding Iran especially since Ahmadinejad is supposedly "exhausted." (Or perhaps the CIA is carrying out another brilliant scheme)

It ain't over til it's over...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Didn't Make This Up

I didn't make this up. It's for real. Those wacky Nebraskans!


LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

On Tuesday, however, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he's found a hole in the judge's ruling.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God," Chambers said Wednesday. "A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience." Therefore, Chambers said, "Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit."

Chambers has 30 days to decide whether to appeal. He said he hasn't decided yet.

Voters Stay Home, Conservatives Win

Citing a "steady decline attributed to voter malaise, mistrust of politicians, and a feeling that the election outcome was a foregone conclusion", voters stayed home on election day.

Whoops, sorry! Wrong country.

Uh Oh....

Washington, D.C. - President Bush declared today that "the economy will come back better than ever."

Political commentator Marcia Funebre said, "Well, hey, think of how correct Bush was on terrorists attacking the US pre-9/11, or on finding WMDs in Iraq or on Katrina reconstruction, or on global warming or on any other number of important issues. I, for one, feel greatly reassured."

Monday, October 06, 2008

Belt Lines Control Stock Market

New York – Forget that old adage that womens’ hemlines control the stock market. The Dow fell below 10,000 today, crashing through the imaginary floor, going into the basement, but New York, Paris and Milan hemlines were only slightly lower than last year’s showings.

The current fashion and economic link appears to be teenage boys' belt lines.

Marcia Funebre of The Fashion Institute of Wasilla explained, “Since the George W. Bush administration teenage boys have been wearing their pants lower and lower. Most of them can hardly walk. They waddle around looking like they have full diapers. As their belt lines fell lower, the economy followed.”

Market analysts have not yet confirmed the theory that teenage boys' belt lines are controlling the stock market.

Tucker Yap, of Weir-Pore and Wurried, the former investment powerhouse, said “Hey, it’s as good a theory as any.”

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Class President Refuses to Release Homework Citing Executive Privilege

Watertown N.Y. – The Watertown High School senior class president today refused to release portions of her French homework assignment citing “executive privilege.”

“I can see Canada from the upstairs bathroom window if I stand on my tiptoes and squint,” said 2009 Senior Class President Elizabeth Picard. “This gives me foreign policy experience. And, I’m class president, so that gives me executive privilege. Plus, I was almost in the Model UN. I wasn't in the Model UN but I could have been if I hadn't had a conflict with band; we had an away game.”

Interviewed by the Yearbook Committee, Ms. Picard said, “Releasing my homework for French class could have serious destabilizing consequences for our neighbor to the north. This could affect the American economy. It could be, like, totally bad.”

Daily Quiz

What questions would you like to ask the Vice Presidential candidates?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Biden's on Fire - Check it Out

Friday, September 26, 2008

Deja Vu All Over Again

Mission Accompished!

Presidential Candidates Debates Cancelled in Favor of Game Shows

Washington D.C. - Both the Obama and the McCain campaigns have announced that due to the economic crisis facing the nation they will be cancelling the scheduled debates. Instead, both the Presidential and the Vice Presidential nominees will face off in a series of classic game shows.

“These game shows typically only take 30-60 minutes, which is about the maximum attention span of the American voter, if you figure in commercial breaks,” explained Marcia Funebre of The League of Women Voters, the group sponsoring the game show contests. “And this way the contestants, I mean nominees, can concentrate on more important things, like raising money.”

For the first contest, Senators Obama and McCain will contend in “The Price Is Right”, trying to figure out just how much the American taxpayer will pay to save the economy and for the continuing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

“The Dating Game” will allow Senators McCain and Obama a chance to pick that special someone for Secretary of the Treasury!

“Jeopardy” will test the overall knowledge of Senators Obama, McCain, Biden and Governor Palin. Although the exact categories are guarded, questions will cover American history, world history, domestic current events, world current events, foreign affairs, world leaders, public policy and the environment.

“Let’s Make a Deal” will pit Obama and McCain against each other in a 60-minute mad dash to see who can reach consensus first with House Democrats, House Republicans, Senate Democrats, Senate Republicans, The Treasury, The State Department and The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Each of the four candidates will make a solo appearance on “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Customs Agents Feeling Lonely

San Francisco – Customs agents are copying American’s private documents because custom agents feel lonely.

According to a Freedom of Information Act suit filed by the Asian Law Caucus and the Electronic Frontier Foundation US Customs agents are examining and in some cases copying “books, handwritten notes, personal photos, laptop computer files, and cell phone directories” of Americans returning to America.

The customs agents are acting in the absence of any indication of criminal conduct by these citizens and there need not even be suspicion of an individual’s actions to trigger scrutiny.

Marcia Funebre, of the Department of Homeland Security Press Office said, “Customs agents never get invited to parties. Nobody sends them those funny e-mails on Friday afternoons. They never get shown pictures of the new baby. Nobody calls, nobody writes. It’s really sad. Custom’s agents are very lonely people."

"I mean," said Ms. Funebre, "unless they look through your stuff how else are they going to find out the phone number of the person who's walking the dog while you're away or that you like reading John Grisham on the plane? They have to pillage through your personal information and make copies and then share with requesting law enforcement agencies because, basically, they have no lives. That's why they need to copy yours.”

Ms. Funebre refused to consider that these actions by Customs and Border Protection agents might be violating citizens’ rights.

“When our agents ‘review and analyze’ your personal financial data, they might just be looking for a donation for orphans. It’s harmless!” said Ms Funebre, “When they look at your handwritten notes, they’re probably just checking for spelling errors – for your own good! And, what’s wrong with asking you your political views, anyway? It’s not like we have secret ballots or anything.”

Monday, September 22, 2008

Daily Quiz

Mad Libs! (Mad-as-hell Liberals?)

What are your answers to fill in the blanks?

The economy is a (adjective/adverb) _____________mess, but the American (noun) ______________ are not worried because their
(adjective/adverb) ______________officials can be depended upon to (verb) _________them.

Meanwhile, Back at the Oval Office

It is very understandable that at this moment we are concentrating on the economy and on the presidential races. But, just so it doesn't go completely unnoticed, you'll all sleep better knowing that on Thursday September 18, 2008 the President quietly renewed the National Emergencies Act (50 U.S.C. (d) ) until September 22, 2009.

The Sky is Falling Act Proposed by Comrade Bush

Washington, D.C. - Comrade Bush has convened the highest commissars from the Central Planning Committee at The White Dacha today. The commissars and The Decider are discussing the next Great Leap Backwards for the economic health of the nation. All hail the commissariat! May The Decider live for a thousand years!

Henny Penny, of The Decider’s press office, released this statement today from Our Beloved First Among Equals:

“Folks, we’re in deep doo-doo. That’s not what we call it in Texas, but you get the idea. Wall Street needs money, lots and lots of money. Right now. Right this very split-second! It’s an emergency! (I love emergencies, don’t you? It makes people forget to think straight, just like after 9/11 when Congress gave me and Dick every damn thing we asked for and then some.)

Anyway, we need The Sky is Falling Act. Right now! Don’t stop to think about, just do it! Like that teevee commercial says, just do it. Be decisive. If you’re wrong, don’t worry, history will sort it out. Besides, you’ll be dead then anyway, so who cares?”

Ms. Penny elaborated on The Sky is Falling Act saying, “Comrade Bush wants to give Secretary Paulson $700 billion* of the country’s wealth to do whatever he wants with. Secretary Paulson, and all other Treasury Secretaries after him, will be able to run America like the corporation we all know it really is.

It also makes Secretary Paulson our New Dear Leader even though he never was elected, not even once like The Decider. And, our New Dear Leader can then make whatever deals he likes, sometimes with the very same people who got us into this fine mess.”

Asked why New Dear Leader would be able to do whatever he wants with this significant chunk of the taxpayers’ assets, Ms. Penny replied, “Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.”**

Ms. Penny added, "Don't worry your little head about it. The Decider and New Dear Leader know best."***

*there are a whole lotta zeroes in $7 billion; it looks like this $700,000,000,000
**that’s the actual wording Congress will vote on.
***Contact your representatives.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

More "Not Funny"

Okay, I promise I'll get back to my snarky, sarcastic self really soon (Watch This Space!!!). I just have to get one more serious post out of my system.

Frank Rich of The New York Times has done a column on essentially the same subject as Friday's post "Not Funny"

While Rich’s column takes the lies and distortions of the presidential race as its main thrust, starting out with “truthiness” versus outright lying, he segues into the Keating S&L scandal and mentions (although briefly and not by name) both the Commodity Futures Modernization Act and Glass-Steagall.

Frank Rich’s column will certainly reach more people than any post I ever write and rightly so: Rich is a professional journalist with years of experience, and I’m just someone with a keyboard. His columns have to be vetted through an editor, they get proofread, questioned, and polished; mine come off the top of my head, sometimes when I’m hopping mad, and the spell-checking function on my computer does the best it can.

Frank Rich is a journalist; I’m a citizen.

But, I suggest that just as a well-formed militia made of citizens is essential for the defense of the country, a cadre of citizen-journalists is equally vital, especially in an age when the media’s concern for “balance” gives equal time to distortion and absurdity. This “balanced” style of reportage dominates reasonable news outlets and pure partisanship, on both sides, dominates the rest. (As The New York Times columnist and economist Paul Krugman once wrote, “Even when reporters do know the difference, the conventions of he-said-she-said journalism get in the way of conveying that knowledge to readers. I once joked that if President Bush said that the Earth was flat, the headlines of news articles would read, ‘Opinions Differ on Shape of the Earth.’ “)

Nieman Watchdog is an electronic forum by journalists for journalists

Due to the sheer beauty of the Internet (one of the greatest things to ever happen to democracy) this journalistic site is open to anyone and everyone. One of the best parts of Nieman Watchdog is the “Ask This” section

Yet, the “Ask This” ethos is far too important to be left to those who are paid by media conglomerates. The “Ask This” questions should be in the mind of every voter listening to a speech, watching a political ad, reading a news article or even discussing a subject with a friend or acquaintance.

“The price of democracy is eternal vigilance” said Thomas Jefferson.

We can not outsource vigilance to the media, we can not pay someone else to do it for us; it is your responsibility, it is my responsibility, it is our responsibility.

Below is a list of questions Nieman Watchdog editor Dan Froomkin posed back prior to the 2006 election, when sabers were rattling against Iran.

Add to these 2006 questions some 2008 questions about the economy

1. (Questions for McCain and Obama on the economic carnage) ;

2. (What’s the impact of the meltdown in your state?)

3. (Long-term national economic effects:How much will the Paulson package cost, and where’s the money coming from?) ;

then let these combined questions be your mental template when reading, watching or listening to the news. Have the journalists presenting the material you are receiving asked these questions? Are you getting the answers that you need? If not, why not? You need to know these answers, whether you get them from the media, your elected representatives or ferret them out on your own.

Post/link these questions on your blogs, send them in your e-mails, include them in your conversations, hang them up at work (they are non-partisan) and in your home. (A bumper sticker on your car is great, but consider posting a simple question on the rear side window of your car where anyone parking next to you may see it.)

We are all journalists in search of the truth.

Some points to remember for ALL issues at the local, county, state and national level:

#1. You Can’t Be Too Skeptical of Authority

*Don’t assume anything administration officials tell you is true. In fact, you are probably better off assuming anything they tell you is a lie.
*Demand proof for their every assertion. Assume the proof is a lie. Demand that they prove that their proof is accurate.
*Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it should make the headlines. The absence of supporting evidence for their assertion -- or a preponderance of evidence that contradicts the assertion -- may be more newsworthy than the assertion itself.
*Don’t print anonymous assertions. Demand that sources make themselves accountable for what they insist is true.

#2. Be Particularly Skeptical of Secrecy

*Don’t assume that these officials, with their access to secret intelligence, know more than you do.
*Alternately, assume that they do indeed know more than you do – and are trying to keep intelligence that would undermine their arguments secret.

#3. Don’t Just Give Voice to the Administration Officials

*Give voice to the skeptics; don’t marginalize and mock them.
*Listen to and quote the people who got it right last time: The intelligence officials, state department officials, war-college instructors and many others who predicted the problem we are now facing, but who were largely ignored.
*Offer the greatest and most guaranteed degree of confidentiality to whisteblowers offering information that contradicts the official government position. (By contrast, don’t offer any confidentiality to administration spinners.)

#4. Look Outside Our Borders

*Pay attention to international opinion.
*Raise the question: What do people in other countries think? Keep an eye out for how the international press is covering this story. Why should we be so different?

#5. Provocation Alone Does Not Justify War

*War is so serious that even proving the existence of a casus belli isn’t enough. Make officials prove to the public that going to war will make things better.
*Demand to know what happens if the war (or tactical strike) doesn’t go as planned?
*Demand to know what happens if it does? What happens after “victory”?
*Ask them: Isn’t it possible this will make things worse, rather than better?

#6. Watch for Rhetorical Traps

*Keep an eye on how advocates of war frame the arguments. Don’t buy into those frames unless you think they’re fair. *Keep a particular eye out for the no-lose construction. For example: If we can’t find evidence of WMD, that proves Saddam is hiding them. *Watch out for false denials. In the case of Iran, when administration officials say “nobody is talking about invading Iran,” point out that the much more likely scenario is bombing Iran, and that their answer is therefore a dodge.

#7. Understand the Enemy

*Listen to people on the other side, and report their position.
*Send more reporters into the country we are about to attack and learn about their views, their politics and their culture.
*Don’t allow the population of any country to be demonized. All humans deserve to be humanized.
*Demand to know why the administration won’t open a dialogue with the enemy. Refusing to talk to someone you are threatening to attack should be considered inherently suspect behavior.

#8. Encourage Public Debate

*The nation is not well served when issues of war and peace are not fully debated in public. It’s reasonable for the press to demand that Congress engage in a full, substantial debate.
*Cover the debate exhaustively and substantively.

#9. Write about Motives

*Historically, the real motives for wars have often not been the public motives. Try to report on the motivations of the key advocates for war.
*Don’t assume that the administration is being forthright about its motives.
*If no one in the inner circle will openly discuss their motives, then encourage reasonable speculation about their motives.

#10. Talk to the Military

*Find out what the military is being told to prepare for.

Some links that provide useful info:
National Security Archives
Sunlight Foundation:
Open Secrets:
Congressional Record
Investigative Journalism:
International English Language News Sites
Register/find polling place/get customized ballot for issues for your district

Friday, September 19, 2008

Not Funny

This isn't a "funny" so if you're looking for a laugh, give it a skip.

I was watching C-Span last night. Hillary Clinton, in a speech yesterday in the Senate, said that the Wall Street meltdown was due to the rapid evolution of the banking industry under outmoded laws created in response to The Great Depression.

That's correct but that's not the whole picture.

Perhaps our regulations from the past do need updating, but part of the root cause of this debacle is a brand-new regulation that we didn't have before, a regulation that regulates the regulators and keeps them from doing their jobs.

The Commodity Futures Modernization Act of 1999 was quietly slipped into the budget bill, and Bill Clinton signed it into law December 2000.

This Act looks great at first glance, but it has an ulterior motive: preventing oversight of "credit swaps." (Credit swaps are financial instruments, such as sub-prime mortgages, bundled and sold as securities.)

The Commodity Futures Modernization Act shielded hedge funds and investment banks from the scrutiny of both the SEC and the Commodities Futures Trading Commission (CFTC). This kind of scrutiny ensures financial entities have enough assets to cover their losses. In other words, the SEC and the CFTC were blocked from checking if the bettors really had enough money in their pockets to cover all the bets they'd made while they were rolling the dice.

What the Commodity Futures Modernization Act also did was to partially repeal The Glass-Steagal Act , the Depression-era regulations that established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) and sought to separate bankers from brokers.

The Glass-Steagal Act had long been a target of Republican lawmakers "because government is not the answer."

One of the sponsors of this Act was Phil Gramm. Gramm's wife had been on Enron's Board of Director's and the Act had a provision commonly called "the Enron loophole."

Up until recently, Phil Gramm was McCain's go-to guy for the economy. Currently he's Chairman of UBS Bank which has had its share of problems recently the same as all the others , not that anyone has to worry about Phil Gramm's personal financial health as he probably still has some of that $1,000,000-plus he received from various securities interests while in Congress.

Until his "nation of whiners" comment in July, Gramm was the shoo-in for McCain's choice to run the economy. And, he's probably still on the short-list although maybe in a lower-profile, behind the scenes position.

After all, McCain and Gramm have been pals since the 1980's Savings and Loan Scandal when McCain was one of the “Keating Five”.

Charles Keating went to jail

McCain was cleared of impropriety but censured for poor judgment.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Daily Quiz

Where is Spain? Enquiring minds want to know!

Sealy Introduces Money Saver Mattress

In response to recent government rescues of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, American International Group (AIG), bank failures, Bear Sterns, the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers and the fire sale of Merrill Lynch, Sealy Mattress Corporation has introduced a line of "money saver" mattresses designed for the anxious American investor.

"There really is no such thing as a safe bet anymore," said Tucker Yap, spokesman for Sealy Mattress Corporation. "Our grandparents lived through The Great Depression and we all now see the wisdom of their advice that the best way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

Three new Money Saver Mattresses are now available in Sealy showrooms.

The We're On a Budget model has a hidden waterproof pocket on the side of the mattress that allows easy access to cash in case of unforseen needs requiring a sudden infusion of funds. "The Budget model is great for young families who are trying to establish economic security but who may also need to cover car repairs, home repairs or other emergencies," said Mr. Yap.

The next model up in price is the I'm Worried and Confused. This model features a hidden waterproof and fireproof pocket on the underside of the mattress. "The Worried and Confused is for the investor who is comfortable enough now but concerned that the current economic instability may threaten near-future cash flow and retirement plans," said Mr. Yap.

The ultimate in the Sealy Mattress Saver line is The Retiree. This mattress features an inner-mattress pocket that is waterproof, fireproof and dust-mite proof. In addition, the mattress itself converts into a raft in case of hurricaines or floods, and an additional easy-access side pocket has a battery-operated cooler to keep medications at correct temperatures for extended lengths of time in the event of power outtages. Struts sewn into the mattress edges can be raised, turning the sheets into a tent to avoid living in community shelters or FMEA trailers. Also for sale is a specially-designed pillow that provides good neck support and a groove on the pillow's underside perfect for placing a loaded shotgun to deter looters. The pillow has been approved by the American Chiropractic Association.

"We understand that Americans are anxious about their money. Putting your money in your mattress is a time-honored American tradition which is making a comeback," explained Mr. Yap. "Sealy is helping the consumers protect their hard-earned assests."

Questioned about the wisdom of putting money into a no-growth financial instrument, Mr. Yap snorted, "Ask the folks who had Enron, 'If you had your life to live over again which would you pick - the market or your mattress?' "

Monday, September 15, 2008

Battle of the Titans! Uncle Sam Mano-a-Mano with The Invisible Hand!

Washington, DC - It was Uncle Sam against the market’s fierce Invisible Hand the other day in a bruising fight that spilled out of the ring and left bystanders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac battered and reeling. Although The Invisible Hand had been the odds on favorite, Uncle Sam managed to defeat the capitalist giant with some quick timing and fancy footwork.

“There’s gonna be a rematch!” bellowed The Invisible Hand, flexing his muscles, causing ripples as far away as the Nikkei in Tokyo. “You don’t mess with The Invisible Hand and expect to get away with it! You can run, but you can’t hide!”

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were both taken to the hospital where their conditions are considered “guarded". Their coaches in the Golden Parachute Division, Fannie Mae’s CEO Daniel “Here’s Mud in Your Eye” Mud and Freddie Mac’s CEO Richard “The Screaming Siren” Syron, had hoped to split a $24 million purse but instead walked away empty-handed.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

And Now, For The Update

Palin can locate Russia but still can't figure out Kuwait from Iraq......

I See London, I See France

ABC anchor Charles Gibson recently interviewed Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Gibson asked Palin to explain Sen. John McCain’s comment that Palin had expertise on Russia because she lives in Alaska.

“They're our next-door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska -- from an island in Alaska," Palin said

This statement shows that Palin can at least locate Russia on a map unlike Ms South Carolina

But, evidently, Palin personally believes that US Americans such as some people out there in our nation who don’t have maps who have gone through our education system but are so disadvantaged that they may as well be in South Africa because they know so little about American policy that they believe that Palin’s being able to see the distant shores of a Bering Strait island give her great insight into Putin’s Russia because, such as, she sees, can see them, and so forth, in this manner.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Bin Laden Enrollment CIA Plot

Syracuse, NY - Syracuse University Chancellor Nancy Cantor today revealed that the enrollment of Osama bin Laden in the school was the result of a CIA plot.

"Osama bin Laden himself did not enroll," said Chancellor Cantor, "but was enrolled by those outside the University." When asked to speculate as to the CIA's motives in enrolling the international terrorist, Ms. Cantor shook her head and replied, "I have no earthly idea."

Although CIA officials denied having any involvement in enrolling the 9/11 mastermind at any American school of higher learning, a CIA agent involved in the ruse explained the action.

"Look," said the CIA agent, who declined to be identified, "I went to Syracuse University. If there is one thing I know, it is that the SU Alumni Association will track you down. They've been after me for 35 years and I've never given them one red cent. I've changed addresses many, many times trying to get away but that doesn't stop them, dammit. The SU Alumni Association will hunt you down until you die. Then they'll probably go after your grandchildren. They are relentless."

"This is the 7th anniversary of 9/11," continued the CIA agent,"yet, we still don't have bin Laden. So, we enrolled him at SU. Once the Alumni Association finds out he's graduated, it won't be long; they'll find him."

Osama Bin Laden Enrolled in US University

Syracuse, NY - Osama bin Laden enrolled at Syracuse University today for the 2009 winter semester, according to University officials. University Chancellor Nancy Cantor said that SU officials have no idea why the internationally known terrorist had chosen SU over any other school of higher learning, adding, "It can't be for the weather, that's for sure."

Per a University spokesperson, bin Laden has not yet declared a major.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

The 10 Commandments Of The New American Theocracy

The following 10 Commandments have been released by the Bush administration in concert with a coalition of Republican lawmakers and evangelical Christians in order to prepare the population of the United States for a full scale transition to Biblical governance expected to be completed sometime in 2010

1. All women must be modestly dressed when in public. Any exposure of the female body that serves to entice or create lascivious reactions in men will be a criminal offense punishable by 10 lashes.

2. Women must at all times respect the wishes and commands of their husbands or closest patriarchal figure. Failure to obey the will of the closest masculine authority is a criminal offense punishable by 10 lashes.

3. All abortion is strictly prohibited. Women and doctors who violate this commandment will face 20 years of hard labor in a federal penitentiary.

4. Be obedient and never question the authorities. Failure to obey this commandment will lead to re-education at the nearest Halliburton Luxury Spa & Resort. Repeat violators will be dealt with in a harsh but humane manner.

5. Always vote for the candidates with the officially sanctioned cross next to their names.

6. All books and reading material must be approved by the newly created Ministry of Religion and Good Citizenship. Possession of unauthorized reading material is a capital offense resulting in death by hanging or stoning.

7. All non-evangelical religions are banned. Practice of a banned religion is punishable by two days in stocks followed by renunciation of the forbidden religion.

8. Never remove your PTC (personal tracking chip) once it has been implanted. Violation of this commandment will result in a $10,000 dollar fine and one year in the federal penitentiary.

9. All citizens are now deputized representatives of the government and as such must closely observe their family, friends and neighbors for any violation of the new 10 Commandments. Those who report immoral activity will be rewarded with extra ration coupons for eggs, butter and bread.

10. Remember the Three Pillars of the new and improved America, Obedience, Passivity and Acceptance.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Word From Our Sponsor

And Now, For Something Completely Different.....

I got all excited when I heard that McCain had picked Palin! Whoa, I thought, this will be so totally cool - Palin could teach McCain the dead parrot sketch, at ballgames we'd all sing "He's A Lumberjack and He's Okay", and rather than distributing surplus cheese the government could give away goldfish named Wanda.

I thought that after 8 years of misery under Bush we deserved a few laughs. I figured Cleese had declined so Palin got the nod instead. Then I read the fine print: SARAH Palin, not Michael.

Oh. Now, that is something completely different.

Like Monty Python's Michael Palin, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin may very well have a great sense of humor. Any woman with 5 kids has to have some sense of humor if only to avoid eating her young: He's looking at me! He's copying me! ("He's copying me!") She's breathing again, she's always breathing, make her stop!

But, if the ability to amuse others were all it took to run a country Jon Stewart would be king.

The Vice Presidency is but a heartbeat away from the top job in the nation. Given McCain's age and history of health problems, America could wake up one day to see Sarah Palin standing in Air Force One, looking solemn, with one hand on a bible.

That would not be a good time to find out Palin is a joke.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

August 25: The Week In Review





Thursday, August 28, 2008

I Believe; Help Thou My Unbelief

I want to believe every single word Barack Obama said tonight. I want to believe that America's wounds will heal, that we'll regain our moral standing, that our economy will grow strong, that our children will be well-educated.

I want to believe that people across all spectrums of political thought will put aside their differences. For example, I want to believe that while as Americans we may differ on gay marriage we can all agree that no one should be prevented from visiting a loved one in the hospital: that while we may differ on abortion we can all agree on preventing unwanted teen pregnancies; that the gun owner in rural Ohio and the resident of urban Cleveland can both agree about keeping AK-47's out of criminals' hands.

I want to believe all of this; help me with my unbelief.

Help me to believe that America can once again claim the moral high ground, that America can once again be the last, best hope. Help me to believe that when we have authorized torture and unending detention for those neither innocent nor guilty but in perpetual limbo we can now wipe away the past eight years as if they'd never happened; help me to believe you can unring a bell.

Help me to believe that the sleeper cells, the embedded members of the DOJ and the EPA and the FDA, will deactivate themselves. Help me to believe that a change in administration can undo a putsch, this takeover from within whereby the Civil Rights division now works to disenfranchise voters and the Department of Education promotes "intelligent design" and our Forest Service strives to open public lands for taxpayer-subsidized corporate exploitation.

Help me to believe that those who tried to drown government in the bathtub will suddenly jump in to save it, that they'll perform CPR.

There is no going back, there is only forward. Obama's words were good ones and I heard them with tears in my eyes, the roar in my ears, jumping from my chair shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I want so very, very much to believe; help me with my unbelief.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Summary of Today's Headlines






Saturday, August 23, 2008

Endangered Species To Solve Energy Crisis

Washington, DC

Seizing on the recent proposed revisions to the Endangered Species Act
presumptive presidential nominee Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) today unveiled a
new and ambitious energy plan.

"Prices at the pump are just outrageous but the Democrats will tell you
that we can't do anything about it. Democrats will tell you we have an oil
shortage and that there is an energy crisis, "said Sen. McCain. "My friends,
fossil fuels are made from fossils. We don't have an oil shortage, we have a
fossil shortage. We need to make more fossils. We need to take all these
so-called endangered species and get some use out of them. Let's turn them
into fossils. We need to approve these minor little revisions to the
Endangered Species Act immediately. Burying those animals will lower gas
prices by tomorrow morning. Dig here! Dig now!"

The proposed revisions to the Endangered Species Act mentioned by Sen.
McCain would, for the first time ever, give federal agencies authority to
make decisions affecting endangered species without needing to consult
scientific experts. For example, if chickens were an endangered species and
there were a federal agency of foxes, this same agency would evaluate
whether they, as foxes, felt there was any need for henhouse protection; if
the agency foxes decided there was no appreciable danger to hens, the agency
would then proceed with its plans without need for outside input.

The Bush Administration evidently not only sees no problem with this, but
their eleventh hour "minor revision" to the Act also breaks new ground in
having an unprecedentedly short 30-day window for public comment. The
administration refuses to accept e-mail comments on the proposed revision or
to hold any public hearing on the matter. The Administration will accept
comments through snail mail (no doubt to demonstrate their abiding
commitment to the health and safety of the endangered snail darter).

Another way to comment on the proposed revisions is on a special government
website. Under Public Availability of Comments it is stated that the
commentator's personal information (such as name, address, phone number and
e-mail address) may be made "publicly available at any time," and that while
the citizen can ask, in the comment itself, that this personal information
be withheld from public view, "we cannot guarantee that we will be able to
do this."

"In other words, even though your home-town newspaper can deal with 'Name
Withheld By Request,' and a mail-order company run from someone's dining
room table provides certain privacy safeguards, such measures are way beyond
the capabilities of the U.S. Government. Besides, the Bush Administration
feels it is a good thing if people worry that their personal info might be
put on the Internet if they comment on these revisions. From where we sit,
it's the very best way to promote our kind of democracy," said an
unidentified senior administration spokesman.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

McCain: "The Russians Are Burning Atlanta, Georgia"

Pueblo, Colorado - Today, in a hotly worded statement, Senator John McCain said that "We are all Georgians now and we must do all we can to stop the Russians from burning and pillaging Atlanta, Georgia."

McCain then went on to say that, "Not since the War of Northern Aggression have we seen such savagery and destruction on a Southern city from barbarian invaders. My friends, I assure you that we will take back Atlanta from the Russians and chase them completely out of Georgia."

Intent on keeping his promise to restore sovereignty to the city of Atlanta and the state of Georgia, McCain announced that he was sending two envoys to the troubled region, Senators Joe Lieberman and Lindsay Graham, so that they could report back to him and keep him informed on the status of the Russian invasion of the great peach state. Also, in an effort to boost his foreign policy credentials and status as a leader, McCain assured his comrades in the Washington press corps that he had been talking with the leader of Georgia, Governor Sonny Perdue, on a daily basis.

Reaction from the major news outlets has been swift and supportive of Senator McCain.

Cokie Roberts of ABC News said, "McCain is a real American who we can count on to defend our way of life from exotic outsiders. That's why I am voting for him."

David Broder of the Washington Post said, "There is only one man who can kick the Russians out of Atlanta, Georgia and that man is John McCain."

And, Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I love it! I love it! That's the John McCain I know. That's why I have a picture of the senator on my bedroom wall. He makes me feel secure and warm all over. Man, when he talks that way I feel all tingly."

When told of McCain's comments, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin looked puzzled and then laughed while saying, "You Americans are so funny."

Friday, August 08, 2008

Knock, Knock, Not

Because of recent events such as this one, Assimilated Press is republishing this set of helpful guidelines from June 16, 2006

Instructions on how to act when the police crash unannounced through your door at midnight as newly authorized by the US Supreme Court.

Don't panic. Don't run. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't look the authorities directly in the eyes. Make sure your papers are in order. Speak only when spoken to and in a respectful manner. Always end every sentence with "sir." Apologize even if you did nothing wrong. Have your entire family recite The Pledge of Allegiance without missing a word and in perfect harmony. Make sure your American flag is prominently displayed in the living room. Do not have any books, videos or CDs by known subversives such as Michael Moore, Albert Gore, The Dixie Chicks, George Clooney, Kurt Vonnegut, William Shakespeare, etc., etc. Calmly tell the authorities that you support George W. Bush, that you believe in a Christian God, that you think homosexuality is an abomination and should be outlawed along with the Democratic Party.

If you do everything on this list your chances of being tortured and held without charges will be dramatically reduced. If you do not follow these instructions prepare for a long stay at your nearest Haliburton Resort & Spa.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

America Unsurprised by New Republican Scandal

Washington, D.C.-- Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was indicted today on seven counts for not publicly disclosing hundreds of thousands of dollars he spent improving his home. The money was obtained through gifts from a private oil company. Senator Stevens claims he has never misled the American public and is innocent of all charges.

The American public, meanwhile, could not care less. “I woke up this morning and heard that there was a new scandal in the Repubican Party,” Alaskan citizen Barry Yates said. “When I found out it had nothing to do with firing people or gay sex, I just didn’t find it all that interesting.”

Fox News also saw a decline their viewership over the scandal story. “It’s a boring story,” said one Fox News executive. “The public just isn’t shocked anymore to hear about how politicians are using funds for their own expenses. A public official would have to shoot someone to make a headline now... wait, no, that’s been done already.”

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bush To Place Democrats Under House Arrest On Election Day

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned, through high-level sources in the White House, that President George W. Bush has signed an executive order that will place all registered Democratic voters under house arrest for a twenty-four hour period beginning on election day, November 4, 2008.

This highly charged move and unique political strategy was proposed to the president during a closed and highly secret meeting in the Oval Office which was attended by Vice President Dick Cheney, Cheney's Chief of Staff David Addington, law professor John Yoo, Karl Rove and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

The stated purpose of the executive order is to protect the American people from external and internal threats by ensuring that a Republican president is elected and that Republicans regain both houses of congress. Both Scalia and Yoo addressed the legal issues involved as they voiced their support of this radical move to detain millions of people in their homes while depriving them of their right to vote.

John Yoo spoke first and said, "Der Leader ist clearly empowered to protect Das Vaterland by any and all means as long as he is a faithful member of Die Partei Republican."

Antonin Scalia added, "We are in a time of war and this decision falls well within the president's power to do what is necessary to protect us. Sieg, I mean, have a nice day."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

George W. Bush, Buffoon & Psychopath

The Incredible Shrinking Bush