Today's Daily Quiz: September 30, 2007

It's just about impossible nowadays to distinguish a Democrat from a Republican. What would be a simple way to tell them apart at a glance?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: Bush once asked “Is our children learning?” He answered himself recently, “Childrens do learn.” How would Bush, in his own very special way, answer the question, “ Why do you think No Child Left Behind is a good idea?”
Answer (Thanks to America Jones): Now, what you have to understand is, childrens is competition. Competition is good. It's healthy. Competition innovates. This is America. When our childrens compete, America is better. We need a strong America. A better America. An America that competes, and where our childrens is strong. Because terrorism needs strong leadership. Leadership that understands strength, and competition. And America. And I understand a lot of people don't like my approach. I understand that. I know I have critics. But we're fighting a global war. This is a new kind of war. This is a war that requires a strong America, led by leadership. We're not going to lose this war. Our children will grow up in a better, safer America. That's my job. Thank you, and God bless America.

Publisher's note: All of the answers were great. Check the others out here.

Sound Off!

Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Introducing The Caption Contest

Caption Contest Rules

We all know by the comments section and the answers to the Daily Questions that AP has talented, funny and informed readers. We'd like to give you an even greater chance to show your stuff. (Besides, Virt and I are tired of doing all the work and we need some laughs too.)

Each week AP will post a cartoon without a caption. During the course of the week you submit a caption. (Keep it clean, we have readers of all ages.) Multiple submissions are allowed.

At the end of the week, AP will post the finalists. Then you, Dear Reader, vote to determine the winning caption for the last week's cartoon* while simultaneously (multi-tasking, but we know you have it in you) trying to think of a caption for the new cartoon.

Contest winners receive a chance to see the electronic copy of the cartoon with his/her winning caption and name, bragging rights, a deep sense of accomplishment and the heartfelt thanks of a grateful nation.

*There is no Electoral College, no gerrymandering, and no ID required. Every vote counts. In turn, we are counting on your honor to keep this a fair election. No stuffing the ballot box, one vote per person, no age restriction, members of the Virt or pinko family not eligible, yes, we stole this idea from The New Yorker, but tough toenails, they didn’t do it first either. DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG UNDER PENALTY OF LAW AND SINCE NOT EVERYONE HAS FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES LIKE SCOOTER LIBBY DOES WATCH YOUR BACK. Void where prohibited. Your mileage may vary. Your mother always told you to read the fine print and now aren’t you glad you listened?

Sound Off!

Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Publisher's note: Thanks to everyone for the great response yesterday

Today's Daily Quiz: September 27, 2007

Bush once asked “Is our children learning?” He answered himself recently, “Childrens do learn.” How would Bush, in his own very special way, answer the question, “ Why do you think No Child Left Behind is a good idea?”

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: Dick Cheney says that he doubts he’ll be remembered because most vice presidents aren’t. He joked that that he’s “more like the flavor of the month." What flavor is Dick Cheney?
Answer: OK, way too many good answers. See for yourself here.

Sound Off!

Use the comments section below to tell everyone what's on your mind today.

Exciting New Features Coming To Assimilated Press

Starting today, Assimilated Press is introducing two new features that will prominently feature the views of the readers of Assimilated Press. These additions will give everyone the opportunity to state their opinions.

The first new feature is Sound Off which will provide a forum for readers to write about anything that is on their mind.

The second new feature is Sound Off Topic Of The Day which will introduce a topic for readers to comment on.

Stay tuned. It's coming soon.

There's A New Way To Forestall Foreclosure

Pueblo, Colorado - If the booming American economy you keep hearing about sounds more like a death rattle, there is hope: sell your soul. For $504.00 in cash an atheist raised money for a student group by offering up his soul on e-Bay. Per agreement he attended various churches for 50 weeks taking notes and reporting his impressions to the buyer, a Christian minister. The atheist was up front that any money he received would be donated to a student group promoting secularism and the deal worked out well for all involved.

As you may have noticed, this country is being run by a lot of soulless people. Bush sold his soul, Rove sold his a long time ago, and Cheney never had one. Colin Powell misplaced his somewhere, and so did Condi Rice. (Antonin Scalia thinks he has a soul, but it's only heartburn from eating endangered species.) General Petraeus sold his soul. Hillary Clinton sold hers, and so did John McCain. There is also a quite noticeable lack of souls among tobacco executives, major television news networks, K Street lobbyists, the Department of Justice and both houses of Congress.

But, if life hands you lemons, make lemonade! It's the American way to supply what's in demand and this is an untapped market with great growth potential! Selling your soul is safer than selling your body, easier than selling your car, and more lucrative than selling your blood, besides, everybody's doing it!

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: September 25, 2007

Dick Cheney says that he doubts he’ll be remembered because most vice presidents aren’t. He joked that that he’s “more like the flavor of the month." What flavor is Dick Cheney?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: The Bush administration, in concert with Congress and the Supreme Court, has removed the centuries old protection of Habeas Corpus from the American justice system. Given this fact, should members of Congress, the Executive Branch and the Supreme Court be denied Habeas Corpus if they are deemed to be in violation of unspecified and arbitrary accusations?
Answer: kb thought a little medieval justice would do our government officials a world of good. However, most everyone else thought they would avoid accountability while continuing to rape, pillage and break just about everything in sight. Read all of the excellent answers here.

Bush Enters Witness Protection Program

Washington, D.C. - Fearing that his long litany of war crimes and fundamental violations of the Constitution and international law would eventually lead to his imprisonment, President George W. Bush has voluntarily entered the witness protection program. He has been given a new identity and a house in the suburbs of Waco, Texas. Of course, Bush's new name is top secret. However, Assimilated Press has learned that he is now masquerading as a retired marshmallow salesman.

In regard to the power structure in Washington, nothing has changed. Bush still technically retains the title of President while all of the decisions continue to be made by Vice President Cheney who is also expected to enter the witness protection program if martial law is not declared and he is fails in his bid to become Supreme Leader for life.

In an unrelated story, twenty-two Democratic senators joined with the Republicans in voting for a resolution that condemns all Americans who refuse to recite the Pledge of Allegiance when randomly stopped for questioning by government authorities.

Today's Daily Quiz: September 24, 2007

The Bush administration, in concert with Congress and the Supreme Court, has removed the centuries old protection of Habeas Corpus from the American justice system. Given this fact, should members of Congress, the Executive Branch and the Supreme Court be denied Habeas Corpus if they are deemed to be in violation of unspecified and arbitrary accusations?

Previous DQ: Following the senate resolution to condemn MoveOn, should the senate next propose a resolution to condemn FOX news for their continual lies and slander of Democrats and for providing known haters Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity with a forum to debase and threaten opponents of their extreme ideology?
Answer: Read all of the excellent answers here.

American Media Not Paying Attention. Period.

Cyberspace, Earth - There was a big story Saturday Sept 22 in the Washington Post about the database kept on US citizens flying abroad. Raw Story, which bills itself as an alternative news source to the MSM feels this is new information and gave it a prominent headline.

Assimilated Press (AP) had this story quite some time ago. AP didn't find out this information by hanging around in underground parking garages painstakingly cultivating an informant, or by rummaging through dumpsters tediously piecing together shredded intelligence, or by sleeping with a senior government official.

The information about passenger databases was reported in the European press. It was available at the click of a mouse, in English. That's how AP got its story. It was easy.

Raw Story and all the other alternative outlets could have had this story back then, too. The Washington Post, The New York Times, Air America, The Nation, PBS: all of them had at least the same, and assuredly greater, access to the information found by a dedicated amateur. "Alternative" or "mainstream", "liberal" or "conservative", "objective" or "partisan", in one important way the labels make absolutely no difference; American media outlets are not paying attention to what really matters. Unfortunately, that isn't "news" either.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Democratic Senators Condemn High School Newspaper

Twenty-two Democratic senators joined with Republicans in voting for a resolution that condemned a Glendale, California High School student paper for an op-ed column written by a seventeen year old junior who said that "General Petraeus was lying to the public just as General Westmoreland did almost forty years ago."

The student, Laurie Addams, also stated that "American generals and the Pentagon are lying to the people of the United States in a transparent attempt to aid President Bush and the Republican Party."

Addams went on to cite the Pat Tillman and Jessica Lynch stories as two examples of the lying and deceit being perpetrated on the public. She also said that it was wrong for the American military to align itself with one political party while alienating half of the country.

Senate Republicans, joined by twenty-two of their Democratic colleagues, reacted swiftly to these strong words expressed by the young California student and immediately passed a resolution which stated that, "The Senate of the United States of America strongly condemns Laurie Addams and the Glendale High School student newspaper for having the unmitigated gall to question the honesty of statements coming from high ranking military officials and the Pentagon. In our America, this sign of disrespect will not be tolerated."

Senator Diane Feinstein, who voted with the Republicans to condemn young Laurie Addams and her student run newspaper, said "What this girl did is despicable. In our country, you do not question the military. Free speech is a privilege, not a right. If the people of this country can not use it appropriately, then we will take it away from them the way you would take a razor blade from a child's hands."

Assimilated Press attempted to reach Laurie Addams but she was unavailable for comment. Her parents said they have not seen or heard from her since the article appeared.

Today's Daily Quiz: September 20, 2007

Today, the senate voted on a resolution to condemn MoveOn which passed with Democratic support. Should the senate next propose a resolution to condemn FOX News for their continual lies and slander of Democrats and for providing known haters Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity with a forum to debase and threaten opponents of their extreme ideology?

Previous DQ: If Thomas Paine were alive today, would he be ignored, heeded, or tasered?
Answer (Once again, thanks to Mike Rappaport): There would be no need to taser Mr. Paine, largely because no one would be listening. Since Paine was a gentleman of the 18th century, he would never scream, shout, expose himself or any of the other methods 21st century people use to draw attention to themselves. As soon as he began talking, the quality of his rhetoric would confuse listeners and they would wander away. The only way Paine would be able to get anyone's attention would be to taser himself.

Foolproof Strategy For Ending The War In Iraq

The following bill is entitled the "Support The Troops Bill." If it were introduced in Congress the war in Iraq would be over by Christmas.

SUPPORT THE TROOPS BILL

It is hereby resolved that all immediate family members of serving senators and representatives who are of military age shall be required to submit to an immediate draft which will lead to their rapid deployment to Iraq. This will serve to ease the burden of troops who are already on the ground and will show that the political establishment is serious about supporting the troops with more than lip service. This draft will only apply to congressional family members and will remain in effect until all American troops are withdrawn from Iraq.

Today's Daily Quiz: September 19, 2007

If Thomas Paine were alive today, would he be ignored, heeded, or tasered?

Previous DQ: Why would Miss South Carolina make a better president than George W. Bush?
Answer (thanks to Mike Rappaport): She would be a better president than the current one because it is clear that her verbal skills, her keen grasp of issues and her overall likeability are so far beyond Bush's as to be staggering.

Tasered For Resisting "Calm Down"

Cyberspace, U.S.A. - If you haven't seen the video of the University of Florida student who was tasered for questioning Sen. John Kerry, then you should take a look at it.

The student is asking questions that need to be asked, questions that haven't been asked loudly enough or often enough for at least 50% plus of all Americans.

Yes, the kid is obnoxious, full of himself, less than completely civil (although never profane), and, yes, he is hogging the microphone. Evidently being less than smiley-faced, subservient and timid now violates a little-known provision of the Patriot Act; subsection A of Code 9/11: "Saying anything that ticks off the cops, even if it is perfectly legal and not harming anyone else."

It is also (if you can stomach it) worthwhile to check out the Fox "report" of this incident Presumably by begging the audience "Help me! Help me!" the student is "inciting a riot."

This is the phone number of the University of Florida Police Dept. switchboard: (352) 392-1111. They are open day and night. Call and register your protest. It will take less than 30-seconds, it won't cost much, and the person answering the phone is very calm and polite. (And remember, this is just the person answering the phone, not the cops themselves.)

But, before you make that call to the University of Florida Police Department, go back and look at the YouTube video again.

Now ask yourself: "How would my local police handle a similar situation?", "What could happen to me the next time I ask a question?" "How could I best handle it if I am threatened or harmed when asking a question?" and "If I am in an audience and a similar situation occurs, what will I do?"

Unless you plan on crawling into a hole to hide, you will need to know the answers.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Speaker Pelosi Continues Pay To Play System In Congress

After several weeks of negotiations, Speaker Nancy Pelosi finalized an agreement with several transnational companies in which they will provide money and support to Pelosi and other Democratic leaders in exchange for the continuing passage of bills written by their lobbyists. In announcing this deal, Pelosi showed that she intends to do business and conduct herself in the same manner the Republican leadership did in the proceeding congresses they controlled.

In response to criticism that this is unseemly, corrupt and also shuts ordinary citizens and powerless people out of the political process, Pelosi replied, "I'm running a pay to play system here. If ordinary citizens, small companies and others don't have the money to grease the skids, then screw them."

Sally Field Arrested For Treason

Los Angeles, California - Immediately following last night's broadcast of the Emmys, FOX News employees who had been previously deputized by the Bush Justice Department, placed the well known actress, Sally Field, under arrest for treasonous comments made during the show which was televised by FOX.

The statement that got the Academy award winning actress in trouble was censored from the broadcast and never heard. However, representatives of FOX said that Miss Field used profanity while criticizing the United States, American soldiers and motherhood. This was contradicted by eyewitnesses at the event who said that she said no such thing and was merely voicing her support for the troops by wanting them home as soon as possible. FOX would not provide an unedited clip to back up their claims but instead reiterated that, as everyone knows, they are "fair and balanced even when it comes to presenting the views of liberal traitors who hate America."

Sally Field was handcuffed and shackled before being transferred to FOX's corporate offices for interrogation. A confession is expected by tomorrow.

Today's Daily Quiz: September 16, 2007

Why would Miss South Carolina make a better president than George W. Bush?

Previous DQ: When you hear the names George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, do you want to laugh, cry, pull out your hair or drink a quart of vodka?
Answer: Once again, many great answers. Click here to read them.

Wall Street Journal Commits Suicide

New York, New York - The Wall Street Journal today become the first newspaper in history to willingly commit suicide. This action took place during a shareholders' meeting in which they agreed to the buyout offered by Rupert Murdoch.

The paper will still retain the name Wall Street Journal and while the current editorial board will remain in place, the entire news division will be replaced with interns from Regent University who will be led by the new managing editor Karl Rove.

Commenting on the changes, managing editor Karl Rove said, "You can expect the new Wall Street Journal to have the same ethical standards and respect for the truth that Rupert Murdoch and I have demonstrated over the years."

Dozens of Wall Street Journal reporters, who were laid off to make room for the Regent University interns, held memorial services to eulogize the sudden demise of a once respectable newspaper that, in spite of its extremist editorial page, once managed to provide quality news coverage.

Today's Daily Quiz: September 13, 2007

When you hear the names George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, do you want to laugh, cry, pull out your hair or drink a quart of vodka?

Previous DQ: Will the Republican Party with the collaboration of the Supreme Court and media steal the next presidential election?
Answer(s) thanks to Mike, Lilith and Anonymous: Click here.

Democrats Agree To Confirm Barney As Attorney General

Washington, D.C. - In an effort to placate media pundits and political consultants, Democrats in Congress have agreed to confirm presidential First Dog Barney as the new Attorney General of the United States. Despite Barney's close ties and absolute loyalty to President Bush, Senator Reid and others in the Democratic leadership concluded that it is best to "keep their powder dry" and not do anything that may appear to be confrontational, adversarial or in any way indicate that they are willing to challenge this president or hold him accountable.

Said Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid, "We will have extensive confirmation hearings and will ask Barney tough questions to make sure he is a worthy candidate. Barring any unforeseen developments, I predict that Barney will receive significant support and will become the next Attorney General of the United States."

When questioned about Barney's close ties to the president and his lack of qualifications, Senator Reid replied "Look, we confirmed Thomas, Roberts, Alito, Gonzales, Brownie, Rumsfeld and on and on. Do you honestly think that Barney is less qualified than any of them?"

Today's Daily Quiz: September 12, 2007

Will the Republican Party with the collaboration of the Supreme Court and corporate media steal the next presidential election?

Previous DQ: Will Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid grovel at President Bush's feet once again and fail to do anything meaningful to end the war in Iraq?
Answer: kb, Stogoe and Anonymous have the answers here.

Conservative Brains Prone To Misfire

New York, New York - The brains of liberals and conservatives are different. This should not come as a surprise to anyone who has ever tried to have a conversation with a conservative. According to psychologist David Armodio, the part of the brain that helps people change habits, the anterior cingulate cortex, is more responsive in liberals and more sluggish in conservatives.

Professor Armodio administered a computer test to subjects who identified themselves as liberal or conservative. Test subjects also had the option to qualify their political self-identity as "somewhat/slightly" or "very/highly." The computer game was "Go/No Go." When the desired stimulus, a letter M, flashed on the screen the test subjects were to press "Go." When the letter W flashed, the correct choice was "No Go". The test was programmed so that the "Go" choice occurred 400 out of 500 times, lulling the test subjects into a routine of choosing "Go" responses. However, for 100 out of 500 times, the "No Go" stimulus flashed by.

According to Professor Armodio's data, the higher the liberal self-identification, the higher the accuracy in choosing "No Go" over "Go" correctly. Higher liberal self-identification also correlated with stronger electrical brain activity when making these choices. Stronger electrical brain activity indicates more neurons were firing, which means the brains of liberals were used more often and more vigorously than the brains of conservatives taking the same test.

For a scientific truth to be accepted it has to be reproducible, meaning that others with no connection to the prior experiment can get the same results reliably. Since the past 4 years has been a series of choices of "Stay/No Stay" in Iraq, this experiment would appear to be highly reproducible. Despite repeated flashings of danger signals, incongruous data and messages of failure, conservatives keep pressing the "Stay" button. Evidently, they really can't help it, as their brains are not sensitive, nimble or working well enough to react to the stimulus for "No Stay": old news to those of us with highly active, functioning, liberal brains.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: September 10, 2007

Will Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid grovel at President Bush's feet once again and fail to do anything meaningful to end the war in Iraq?

Previous DQ: The Times of London says that the Pentagon has drawn up plans to destroy Iran's entire military in just 3 days. What's your guess for kickoff time?
Answer (thanks to Lilith): One week before the Presidential Election 2008

Jesus Bitch Slaps The Republican Party

Colorado Springs, Colorado - Jesus Christ today released a statement in which he strongly stated his opposition to the actions and policies of the Republican Party. This dramatic development has sent shock waves throughout Washington that has left politicians, lobbyists and pundits trembling in fear for their eternal souls.

A spokesperson for Jesus who gave only his first name, John, said that "Jesus was fed up at being used as a political prop by shallow self-serving politicians without any ethics or morals and this finally pushed him to respond before these charlatans could tarnish his name any further."

In his statement, Jesus says "I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the Republican Party. Furthermore, I resent the use of my name by hypocritical politicians trying to out-god their opponents. These frauds and self-righteous impersonators of virtue are enemies of all that is good and serve no one but Satan."

Jesus then closed his harsh statement against the Republicans with a warning to the Democrats in Congress by saying that "Those who enable evil or fail to stop it from occurring are themselves guilty of the crimes they idly watch being committed."

Asked to comment on this rebuke from Jesus, President Bush, Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid all said, "No comment."

Today's Daily Quiz: September 8, 2007

The Times of London says that the Pentagon has drawn up plans to destroy Iran's entire military in just 3 days. What's your guess for kickoff time?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: How would a "get out of Iraq as soon as possible" Republican fare in the '08 election?
Answer (thanks to pinko and her comments on joe's DQ): "As soon as possible" would be a good phrase because when is "possible"? When there is a stable government? When there is a signed Constitution? When there are no more militias because they killed each other off? When our military is completely broken?

Actually, a Republican who said "We need to leave Iraq as soon as possible", without setting a date and letting the audience decide what "possible" means, would do quite well. He'd get credit in the media for being "realistic" about Iraq, he'd get votes from those who'll say "At least HE's talking about getting out!" and he'd also get votes from those who'll say "Of course we'll leave as soon as it's possible for us to leave - that's always been the plan."

Joe, you may have struck gold here. :-D

Pelosi: "Impeachment Off Table But Bribes Welcome"

Washington, D.C. - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reiterated her position yesterday regarding the impeachment of Vice President Dick Cheney and President George W. Bush by saying they were off the table.

In response, both Cheney and Bush ran a victory lap around the Capital Building and shouted out "No one is going to stop us now. Get ready for martial law and war with Iran. Thank you, Nancy. We love you."

Though Pelosi made it clear that Democrats would not do anything to seriously hold the Bush administration accountable for its actions, she did emphatically state that her office and the entire Democratic leadership was available for purchase by the highest bidder.

Said Pelosi, "You know, it just doesn't pay to represent the individual voter or little guy when you can rake in the big bucks from a few transnational firms who even save us the work by writing the legislation for us."

When Pelosi was asked how this made her and her fellow Democrats different from the Republican leaders of the last Congress, she hesitated and then said, "I'll have to get back to you on that."

Today's Daily Quiz: September 7, 2007

How would a "get out of Iraq as soon as possible" Republican fare in the '08 election?

Today's DQ courtesy of joe

Previous DQ: It is a given that the Republican Party leadership in Congress is corrupt and there was great joy in some circles when they lost both houses. However, major corporations are now purchasing the Democratic leadership so that their lobbyists can write legislation that Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid will rubber stamp. This is clearly shown in the so-called "Patent Reform" legislation known as H.R. 1908. Has the Democratic Party leadership become as corrupt as the Republicans?
Answer: Mike and joe had great responses. Click here to see them. Here is a quick quote supplied by joe that sums it up rather well. "Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss!" - the Who

Democrats Join Republicans In Selling Votes & Taking Bribes

Washington, D.C. - Like crack whores selling their wares on a busy street corner, Democratic members of Congress, with their new status as the majority party on Capital Hill, have joined with fellow Republican members of Congress in offering their services to the highest bidder.

The latest example of this exercise in free market politics is clearly demonstrated by the so-called "Patent Reform" bill H.R. 1908 which reads like a patent infringer's wet dream. This bill was written by lobbyists for a handful of the world's largest corporations and will essentially legalize the wholesale theft of property from individual inventors and small companies by these major corporations. To accomplish this goal, these corporations purchased the entire Democratic leadership and gave them their marching orders which they faithfully followed once the checks cleared.

Speaking in support of this open bribery, Speaker Pelosi said, "Look, I know taking handfuls of cash for our votes and letting industry lobbyists write bills is wrong but the Republicans did it when they were in charge, so why shouldn't we? It's not about morality or ethics. Those things don't matter. It's about cold hard cash and that is the American way whether you are a Republican in Congress or a Democrat."

Today's Daily Quiz: September 6, 2007

It is a given that the Republican Party leadership in Congress is corrupt and there was great joy in some circles when they lost both houses. However, major corporations are now purchasing the Democratic leadership so that their lobbyists can write legislation that Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid will rubber stamp. This is clearly shown in the so-called "Patent Reform" legislation known as H.R. 1908. Has the Democratic Party leadership become as corrupt as the Republicans?

Previous DQ: Should the Supreme Court's five extreme right-wing justices be forced to wear clown costumes given their performance over the past year?
Answer: Click here to see the definitive answers from Anonymous, Lilith, Mike, and stogoe.

Use it Or Lose it?

Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana - On August 30, a B-52 bomber loaded with nuclear warheads flew from Minot Air Force Base, North Dakota, to Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana. The Air Force claims this was a mistake.

There are several problems with this story. First, there is the way the story was leaked. Was it leaked by Air Force personnel who are trying to alert the public that nukes are being positioned, or that our nuclear arsenal is not secured? Or, was it leaked by the administration trying to rattle swords and threaten Iran?

Second, there are varying reports on the number of nuclear warheads involved, with some news agencies reporting 5 and others 6. Who provided the information about the number of nukes, and is this discrepancy simply a replication of error without fact-checking by the media, or was different information provided by different informants? Which is the right number and do we now have all nuclear warheads accounted for?

Finally, getting access to a nuclear warhead is not like opening the refrigerator while you're distracted by talking to someone and mistakenly taking out the mustard when you meant to grab the mayo. There are computerized inventory management systems, forms to file, permissions to be granted, orders to be cut and inspections to be made prior to any nuclear warhead going anywhere at any time.

According to Larry Johnson (the terrorism expert, not the basketball player), there is something decidedly fishy about the "accident" story. He thinks the nukes are positioned to strike Iran based on some information he received about Barksdale being a major base for Middle East operations in the past. With Larry Johnson's background, his gut feel is more than just idle speculation and wild hunches. With his knowledge base, a gut feel is more like the "blink" moment that sums up what's true.

In the Military Times forum many former (and perhaps current) military posters claim the "accident" story is difficult to believe, even with multiple screw-ups by many people at several levels of responsibility and authority.

So, if a nuke is transferred from one Air Force base to another, which is worse: to use it, or to lose it?

That is the question.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: September 5, 2007

Should the Supreme Court's five extreme right-wing justices be forced to wear clown costumes in place of the traditional black robes given their performance over the past year?

Previous DQ: A recent poll shows that 1/5 of Americans can't find the United States on a map. Why is this?
Answer (thanks to Lilith): I'll bet they could if Ryan Seacrest pointed it out on a map every week for 3 years, and Zac Ephon had it tattooed onto his forehead.

Bush Prevented From Leaving Iraq

Anbar Province, Iraq - In a surprise visit at the end of the Labor Day weekend, President Bush, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice flew to Al-Asad airbase in Iraq's Anbar Province. While at the airbase the President met with several generals and field commanders. Later, the President travelled to a second location where he met privately with Iraq's Prime Minister Al-Maliki.

When the President returned to Al-Asad Airbase for his flight home he was informed that due to stop-loss orders preventing military personnel from leaving their units, he would have to remain in Iraq for an additional 90 days. The President replied that he is not in the military, he is a civilian and he should be going home.

The National Guard base commander was not sympathetic. "I'm a parts manager for a Toyota dealership in Cincinnati. I signed up for the fucking NATional Guard, not the fucking INTERnational Guard, asshole. But the stop-loss applies to me. I can't go home, and when I do go home I get called up and sent right back. You say you're Commander in Chief of the whole goddamn military and prance around on battleships dressed like Top Gun. I figure if the stop-loss order applies to me, it certainly applies to you, fly-boy. So suck it up and stop feeling so fucking special."

The President's Secret Service detail attempted to fight their way to the President's plane to get the President aboard. Vastly outnumbered and facing superior fire power from the National Guard, the Secret Service surrendered. Under the terms of the surrender, all surviving Secret Service agents, Secretary Gates and Secretary Rice were allowed to board Air Force One and take off for home.

President Bush remains on active duty at the airbase. He has been assigned to IED patrol in a volatile section of the province. The base commander assured President Bush that when the unit receives the armored Humvees it was promised in 2006 the President will be re-assigned to a newer vehicle.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: September 4, 2007

A recent poll shows that 1/5 of Americans can't find the United States on a map. Why is this?

Previous DQ: Why are the Democratic members of congress so spineless and craven?
Answer (thanks to Erika): They look only at their own narrow interests and not at what's best for the country. They are cowards in the classic sense and should hide their heads in shame.

Government Seeks Betsy Ross For New False Flag

Washington, D.C. - The Department of We Don't Exist (WDE), a unit of a clandestine agency not listed in any budgetary appropriations bill, is looking for a modern-day Betsy Ross for their latest "false flag."

A false flag is an incident staged by a government, usually against its own people, that is blamed on a foreign country or internal opposition group. The false flag then provides the government with the "evidence" it needs to "prove" there is no choice except to "retaliate" against the "perpetrators."

"We thought it would be a morale booster to create an actual cloth flag for our next false flag, Operation Enduring Mistrust," said a senior WDE spokesman. "Since many Americans can't find America on a map, we figured we could make up a flag and then say it was Iran's."

"We were hoping a Betsy Ross would answer this patriotic call and help us out with some ideas", continued the spokesman. "So far all we've managed to come up with is a bunch of evil-looking guys wearing uniforms beheading Santa Claus."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: September 3, 2007

What makes the Democratic members of congress so spineless and craven?

Previous DQ: Will the Republican Party disappear once they are through raping and pillaging the American treasury and forever tarnishing the reputation of the United States?
Answer: Wow! Amazing answers. Take a look here.

Bush To Save America By Ending Freedoms

Washington, D.C. - President Bush flew from his home in Crawford, Texas to make a major announcement on domestic policy. An unprecedented formal assembly of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Supreme Court, the heads of the FBI, CIA and NSA, the Attorney General, and the full U.S. House and Senate was convened. Due to the high security risk of this assembly, Vice President Cheney did not attend in his role as President of the Senate, but remained in a secure, undisclosed location.

The text of the President's speech follows:

"Al Qaeda is a dangerous evildoer. They attacked us on 9/11. They constantly attempt to attack us again and again. They attack our brave troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Why does Al Qaeda hate us so much? They hate us for our freedoms."

"Armed conflict is, of course, the first choice of action when any problem arises. History has shown us that carrying a big stick while wearing heavy boots is the best strategy for success in any geopolitical situation. But, I have been speaking with Vice President Cheney, Secretary Rice and other trusted advisers and they agree that in addition to armed conflict there are other ways of winning the hearts and minds of Al Qaeda.

Al Qaeda hates us for our freedoms. Unfortunately, there can never be peace in the Middle East if there is so much hatred. Al Qaeda hate us for our freedoms; if we remove these freedoms from America, Al Qaeda will not hate us anymore. If Al Qaeda does not hate us we can bring peace and stability to Iraq and Afghanistan. We can secure peace for all the countries in the Middle East."

"America is the leader of the world. It is our responsibility to do all we can to bring peace and prosperity to the other countries who share our planet. We must do all we can to help our neighbors, even those far away. It is the American way to help our neighbors. It is our privilege. It is our duty. And, I know that the American people have the strength, the compassion, the courage and the resolve to do what needs to be done."

"Therefore, by edict as Commander in Chief and Unitary Executive, I hereby dissolve all rights, privileges and freedoms in the Constitution. Thank you. God bless you. God bless America."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Fourth Estate Sale Proposed

New York, New York - Main stream media journalistic outlets and practitioners, commonly known as the fourth estate, have placed an advertisement on the internet stating they are for sale, at auction, to the highest bidder. Recently the Wall Street Journal was purchased by media magnate Rupert Murdoch, and it is rumored he is eying The New York Times as well. Television, radio, magazines and newspapers are now controlled by a handful of major corporations.

"Let's face it," said John Tucker of the American Association of Newspaper Editors, "main stream media is dead. We didn't find too much of sentimental value among their possessions so we might as well hold an estate sale and get a few bucks."

Sotheby's, the prominent auction house, has prepared a catalog of the estate sale offerings. The auction is tentatively scheduled for the holiday shopping season later this year. Marcia Funebre, who works as an independent media appraiser, gave Assimilated Press her opinion of the items and prices in the Sotheby catalog.

Investigative reporting is listed in the catalog with a starting bid of $50,000. "Investigative reporting has a lot of nostalgia for the baby boomers who remember The Pentagon Papers and Watergate so Sotheby's is confident it will generate excitement and move quickly, and I agree," said Ms. Funebre.

Fact-checking is listed in the catalog at a starting bid of $5,000. "Fact-checking isn't very sexy," explained Ms. Funebre. "You're supposed to do it all the time, kind of like you're supposed to check your rear view mirror before backing out of the driveway, but let's get real; every single time without fail? It's just too inconvenient and boring."

Hard-hitting questions and issue-focused interviews are grouped together as one unit in the catalog. "I'm not sure about these," said Ms. Funebre, "they could be a modest sale or there could be some interest, so a starting bid of $20,000 seems reasonable to me."

Objectivity and follow-up stories are not expected to perform as well as some other items. "There's a certain blandness to objectivity, and follow-up stories require an attention span greater than that of a goldfish, something most people now seem to lack. Sotheby's has each of these items listed at $1,000 but I think that's a little optimistic."

Domestic political reportage, geopolitical reportage, legislative analysis, economic analysis, and in-depth science and technology reportage are the lowest listed items in the catalog, with no stated starting bids. "These are difficult, often unattractive and unsettling topics that demand skepticism and thorough background knowledge from the reporter, while the media consumer has to be able to independently assess the information," said Ms. Funebre. "Nobody wants to work that hard for such disturbing, insignificant information when big and important news, like the latest missing attractive young white woman or a celebrity on trial for intoxication, child molestation or murder can be so effortlessly entertaining, and has so much more impact on your life."

Journalistic integrity is listed in the catalog with a starting bid of $500,000. "This is the showpiece of the collection," said Ms. Funebre "It will probably go into the millions with frenzied competitive bidding. I wish I could afford it! There are only a couple handfuls of people who still have journalistic integrity, for example Bill Moyers, Nina Totenberg, Jim Lehrer and Helen Thomas. It's a dying art. Journalistic integrity is very, very rare and this may be a once in a lifetime chance to get it before it becomes extinct in this country."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko