Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Bush Says Democrats Spawned From Demon Seed

Washington, D.C. - In a combative speech delivered before a group of young college Republicans during a campaign appearance for Senator George Allen of Virginia, President Bush today outlined what he called the many reasons to vote for Republicans and not for the "other" party. Said the President, "These are the last days before the election and the future of the world hangs in the balance. The choice is simple. Republicans are for God and Democrats are Godless. Republicans are for families and Democrats are against families. Republicans are good Americans and Democrats are bad Americans. Republicans are patriots and Democrats are traitors. Republicans like puppies, kittens and bunny rabbits while Democrats want to kill puppies, kittens and bunny rabbits so they can eat them with French wine and fancy cheeses."

Warming up to the crowd, the President then pounded the podium and leaned forward as he continued, "But the most important thing of all and what you must remember when you go to vote is that God is a Republican. He is against immigration, reproductive rights, taxes, stem cell research, and protecting the environment. Now, I'll tell you what God is for. God is for the war in Iraq because God understands that we need that oil. I'll tell you somethin' else about God. God is a warrior like me. He doesn't cut and run like the Democrats want to do. He smites, and that is what I do. I am the smiter and I will continue to smite until there is no more smiting to be done."

Bush then closed by delivering perhaps the harshest comment of all by saying, "Friends and fellow Republicans, there is one more thing I need to warn you about and it's something you must never forget. These Democrats who walk among us may look like you and me, but they're not. They are not born of earthly women and men. No! They are spawned from demon seed. That is why all God fearing Americans who want to get into the Heavenly Kingdom must vote for Republicans."

As the young college Republicans showered the President with applause, Vice President Dick Cheney turned to Karl Rove and said while laughing "Now, that's my idea of compassionate conservatism." Rove then said in reply, "Yeah, between the religious nuts, Scalia and Diebold I think we've got things under control."

Monday, October 30, 2006

U.S. Chamber Of Commerce Bought By China

Beijing, China - In what many are describing as a natural outgrowth of the present global economic climate, the People's Republic of China today announced that they have purchased the U.S. Chamber of Commerce for 1.7 billion dollars. Although the Chamber will maintain an official presence in Washington, D.C. for lobbying purposes most of its day to day operations will be outsourced to a work force in Bangalore, India in a cost-cutting move expected to save millions in operating expenses.

Explaining why the government of China decided to buy the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, President Hu Jintao said, "Since the vast majority of manufactured goods sold in America are made in China it seemed natural that we should purchase the U.S. Chamber of Commerce to use as our outreach source to Congress and the American public. Also, and this is very important, The U.S. Chamber of Commerce shares the values of the People's Republic of China. We both oppose child labor laws, minimum wages, safe working conditions, and regulations that protect the environment."

In response to questions about the deal, Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, said "We will do what we always do, except now we will do it for the People's Republic of China."

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Cheney Says Pulling Out Fingernails Is Manicure Not Torture

Washington, D.C. - Today Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to clarify his position on torture after his recent comments concerning waterboarding caused a stir among human rights groups and supporters of the Geneva Conventions. In trying to minimize the controversy that erupted when he said that waterboarding was not torture and is something that the United States does as a matter of policy, Cheney said "Waterboarding is not so bad. They just place the prisoners under water and make them believe they are drowning until they beg for mercy and tell us what we want to know. That's not torture. It's just a good old fashioned interrogation technique that has been used since the middle ages."

Cheney then went on to say that other techniques used by American interrogators are not torture either, "Look, making prisoners stand for 28 straight hours in subfreezing weather while hanging from the ceilings of their cells is really a form of fitness therapy that is good for the prisoners overall health and mental conditioning. This is something they would pay for in a health club."

Cheney concluded his remarks by talking about an interrogation technique used by Americans that had not previously been disclosed, "You know, one of the best methods we use in Guantanamo and other places is not waterboarding, it is pulling out the fingernails of prisoners one by one. You would be surprised just how effective this is. Only three or four detainees have been able to withstand the pain, all of the others have broken like little toy ceramic dolls under the wheels of a dump truck." Cheney then added while laughing, "Of course, this isn't torture either. If fact, the President and I like to refer to it as a little courtesy manicure for the prisoners."

There was no comment from Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham or John Warner whose legislation to overrule the Geneva Conventions made this treatment of prisoners acceptable under American law.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Doctors Say Bill O'Reilly Rotting From Inside Out

Rochester, Minnesota - After an exhaustive series of tests on Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, doctors from the Mayo Clinic have come to the conclusion that the talk show host is suffering from a severe case of internal rot caused by an unusual and extremely corrosive form of bile produced by his liver. There have only been two patients in the recorded history of medicine who have exhibited this symptom. The first was the infamous Vlad the impaler from Romania who was commonly referred to as Dracula. The second is Bill O'Reilly.

Commenting on this extremely rare malady, noted physician Dr. Tilden Johnson, said "I have never seen anything like this. His liver produces a form of bile that is more corrosive than sulphuric acid. It is eating his body from the inside out. It is shocking to see, like something from the movie Alien. Furthermore, the only option of treatment for this condition is a liver transplant and that is not available to Mr. O'Reilly because he suffers from a second condition that is also very serious. It seems his body is filled with a horribly devastating form of killer bacteria to which he is immune but which unfortunately is very fatal to everyone else and would surely cause any transplanted organ to fail."

This super powerful and deadly bacteria is concentrated in O'Reilly's saliva and it closely resembles the bacteria found in the saliva of the legendary Komodo Dragons which kill their prey by bacterial contamination. This has caused the doctors from the Mayo Clinic to issue a health warning for anyone who comes in contact with the right-wing talk show host. The warning reads, "Contact with Bill O'Reilly can be hazardous to your health. Any person who is contaminated with his saliva must seek immediate help and undergo intense antibiotic therapy."

Doctors first suspected that something was wrong with O'Reilly's internal chemistry when, during a recent incident, O'Reilly vomited on ultra-conservative author Ann Coulter who subsequently lost half of her face due to the toxic effects of O'Reilly's stomach contents.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Rush Limbaugh Busted Sniffing Nitrous Oxide In Piggly Wiggly

Palm Beach, Florida - Rush Limbaugh was arrested today on charges of burglary, public intoxication and violation of probation. After posting a five thousand dollar bail he was released to the custody of his personal attorney.

According to the police report and several eyewitnesses, the incident occurred at a local Piggly Wiggly supermarket where Rush Limbaugh was seen loitering around the refrigerated dairy section in a suspicious manner. Upon closer inspection, store employees noticed that the conservative talk show host was inhaling nitrous oxide, commonly known as laughing gas, from numerous cans of whip cream where it is used as a propellant.

When the manager of the store approached the right-wing celebrity he grew belligerent and shouted out, "You don't know who you are messing with, Pal. I can have my good buddy, George Bush, shut down your god damn store by the end of the week with just one phone call to the White House."

The manager of the store then tried to placate Limbaugh by offering not to place charges against the talk show host if he quietly left the Piggly Wiggly. However, by then, a crowd of onlookers had gathered which only seemed to increase Limbaugh's hostility as he began spraying whip cream at the shoppers while screaming obscenities. At this point, the police were called and Limbaugh was handcuffed and taken into custody.

Later in the day, a statement was released by the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton on Rush Limbaugh's behalf. It stated that "Mr. Limbaugh will be having no comment on this matter. He has entered a rehabilitation program to end his dependence on whip cream can propellants and hopes to return to work in a few days."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

China Demands Florida & Texas In Place Of Debt

Beijing, China - In a move that surprised many economists, the government of China today foreclosed on all loans to America and demanded title to the states of Florida and Texas to satisfy payment of the enormous American debt. Financial markets world-wide immediately responded with sharply lower stock prices and record highs in precious metals which are always considered a safe haven in turbulent times.

Reacting to the emergency with the realization that his options were limited, a shaken President Bush signaled his willingness to part with Florida but balked at giving the Chinese his adopted home state of Texas. As a counteroffer, Bush proposed substituting Nebraska for Texas. At first, the Chinese were hesitant to accept this substitution. However, when President Bush sweetened the counteroffer with the addition of Hawaii, the deal was sealed.

Residents of Florida, Nebraska and Hawaii will be given three months to move to another state or they will automatically become citizens of the People's Republic of China. In addition, travel in and out of these three new Chinese provincial territories will now require passports and visas. Also, all federal, state, and local governments that remain under American sovereignty have been instructed to cover three stars on all American flags before they can be properly displayed.

In a related development, the World Trade Organization released newly updated figures which show that the People's Republic of China is now the world's biggest exporter of corn.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Condoleeza Rice Pregnant With Bush's Child

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned from highly placed sources within the State Department that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is several months pregnant with President Bush's child. This startling information is held by a small select group of insiders and is being treated as a closely guarded secret within the White House although its impact is already clearly being felt. Reportedly, First Lady Laura Bush has banished the President from the presidential bed and a furious Karl Rove is said to have gone ballistic over the possible political ramifications.

Rove is especially fearful over the negative reaction this may cause among conservative Christian voters should this news become public before the upcoming congressional elections. Hoping to limit the damage from such a disclosure, Rove has been in constant contact with religious leaders and media heads who are friendly to Bush and the Republican Party. They have agreed to treat any word of Rice's pregnancy as nothing more than lies and desperate campaign tactics from the Democrats.

Ms. Rice had gone for an examination because she had been feeling tired and was concerned that she had contracted a virus while on a recent trip overseas. She was said to be shocked when her doctor informed her that she was pregnant. The Secretary of State has told friends that she had assumed that pregnancy was almost impossible because of her age and that is why she and the President did not use any protection during their numerous sexual encounters.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow has refused all requests to comment on the story.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

North Korean Dictator Praises Diebold

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il today heaped strong praise on the American voting technology company Diebold as he awarded the controversial corporation a three-hundred million dollar contract to run North Korea's first-ever election for Supreme Leader. Although Kim Jong-il currently holds this position for life, he felt that having an election would provide his government with more legitimacy in the eyes of the world.

Said Kim Jong-il, "I have watched and admired Diebold's work in American elections for over six years now and I have to say that I am very impressed with the way they were able to deliver victory to President Bush and the Republican Party. I am confident that they can do the same for me here in North Korea. In fact, I have been assured by Diebold that I will receive 105 percent of the votes cast."

When asked how he could possibly receive over 100 percent of the votes cast, Kim Jong-il replied, "Ah, this is what makes Diebold so good at what they do. They can accomplish the impossible."

Standing next to Kim Jong-il was Diebold's Chief Executive Officer Tom Swidarski. Holding the three-hundred million dollar contract in his hand, Swidarski said "We are very pleased to be working with Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il and the North Korean government. It is our firm hope that this agreement will lead to other deals with countries such as China, Libya, and Uzbekistan where we feel our services will be best appreciated."

Friday, October 20, 2006

Bush Orders NASA To Mine Cheese From Moon

Washington, D.C. - Hoping to bolster his legacy as a visionary leader, President George W. Bush today announced a major new initiative in space exploitation. Surrounded by Vice President Dick Cheney and NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, Bush said that NASA's new mission would be to extract cheese from the moon and transport it back to the United States.

Framing this as a national security issue, Bush said "It is important that we close the cheese gap with Europe. Right now, there is an imbalance. Countries like France and Holland possess far greater stockpiles than we do in the United States. This is an intolerable situation. America should be self-sufficient and not have to rely on the Dutch for cheese."

When reporters asked the president if he really believed that the moon was made of cheese, Bush said that he has been assured by Dick Cheney and the CIA that the moon is indeed made of cheese. In fact, he said a top secret document given to him by the White House Moon Group stated that the moon is 45 percent Gouda, 35 percent cheddar, 10 percent Monterey Jack, and 5 percent rock which is mostly scattered on the surface.

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, a Bush appointee, said he did have some doubts about the scientific basis behind the belief that the moon was made of cheese but that Vice President Cheney had successfully convinced him that when God created the moon on the fourth day as described in the book of Genesis he used cheese as his building material.

Assimilated Press has learned that planning for the mission has already advanced beyond the initial stages. Halliburton has been given a no-bid multi-billion dollar contract to construct mining facilities on the moon and once basic living quarters are built, hundreds of enemy combatants and other undesirables will be transported from American prisons and holding facilities to work as cheese miners in the rugged lunar terrain.

Though there will be a substantial outlay of two trillion dollars in the first five years of this endeavor, President Bush has assured the nation that the mission will eventually pay for itself as the cheese deficit turns into a cheese surplus.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Barbara Bush Says Joe Lieberman Is W's Real Father

Houston, Texas - Confronted with official documentation and leaked records that had previously been sealed, a tearful Barbara Bush admitted that the real father of the president is not George Herbert Walker Bush but Senator Joe Lieberman from Connecticut. This news has stunned the nation and has also deeply shocked the president who was not aware that Lieberman was his biological father until today's surprise announcement.

Realizing the controversial nature of this disclosure, Barbara Bush said that she hoped people would understand and not judge her too harshly for this one mistake. Said the former first lady, "Joe and I were young and in love. One night our passion just got the better of us. I never told anyone until today. Only Joe and I knew and we swore we would keep it a secret forever."

There was no comment from the senator although a check of official records by Assimilated Press turned up a doctored birth certificate for Lieberman that showed that the year of his birth had been changed from 1924 to 1942, which would make him old enough to be the President's father. Assimilated Press also uncovered medical records for Lieberman that detailed numerous face-lifts and botox injections.

Washington insiders and political consultants agreed that this revelation from the matriarch of the Bush family explained Senator Lieberman's unwavering support for Bush since the president took office six years ago. Said Norman Ornstein of the American Enterprise Institute, "No Democrat except a fool or a father would have supported Bush's policies over the last six years and Lieberman is no fool."

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Kansas Farmer Sees Cheney's Face In Cowpie

Wichita, Kansas - When Bob Delvechio went out for his morning chores ten days ago he had no idea how radically his life was about to change. But, when he approached his favorite cow, Ann Michelle, he knew that something big had just occurred. There, on the ground next to Ann Michelle, was a fresh pile of steaming cow manure that bore an identical likeness to the Vice President of the United States.

Delvechio, a lifelong Republican, immediately recognized the significance of what lay before him and wasted no time in contacting the local newspapers. As word of this mysterious manifestation spread throughout the country it triggered a mass pilgrimage among the Republican faithful who began to flock to Bob Delvechio's farm for this once in a lifetime opportunity to see this amazing cowpie that looks exactly like Dick Cheney, the most powerful man in America.

Within days, a makeshift campground holding thousands of people was constructed on Delvechio's farm to shelter all of the new inhabitants. They were quickly joined by enterprising businessmen who brought in rides and amusements to create a carnival-like atmosphere complete with food stands that offered hot dogs, hamburgers and cotton candy to the throngs of hungry travelers.

Adding to the excitement was a palpable religious fervor as many pilgrims felt that they were witnesses to an event that was much bigger than themselves. In fact, so powerful was this feeling that a group of worshippers built a shrine around the famous cowpie where they could come to pray daily. Alice Shrimpwater from Joliet, Illinois spoke for many of the assembled worshippers when she said, "This isn't just a cowpie that looks like Dick Cheney. It is a message from the Lord. It's a miracle."

For farmer Bob Delvechio this truly was a gift from God or at least manna from heaven as he charged visitors ten dollars apiece to have their pictures taken with Ann Michele who was now the most famous cow in the world. To add to this sudden windfall, Delvechio also set up a concession stand that sold Dick Cheney souvenir cowpies that were freshly gathered from his field. Said a happy Bob Delvechio, "My cowpies are selling like hot cakes."

Assimilated Press will continue to report from the scene as new developments arise.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Baby Sent To Guantanamo After Biting Bush

Richmond, Virginia - During a campaign appearance designed to boost George Allen's floundering run for the senate seat in Virginia, President Bush picked up a baby from one of his supporters to use for a photo opportunity. This carefully choreographed plan, however, went tragically wrong when the baby started crying uncontrollably. When Bush tried to quiet the child by waving his finger in front of the baby's face. The baby, a little girl named Gloria, chomped down on the president's index finger with all of her might and drew blood. Whereupon, Bush dropped Baby Gloria who fell unceremoniously to the ground.

Baby Gloria suffered a minor concussion along with numerous bruises from the incident but her real troubles were just beginning. An enraged Karl Rove, upset that his perfect photo opportunity had been ruined, quickly ran up to President Bush. After several moments of heated discussion, Bush turned to his secret service detail and ordered them to immediately arrest the offending infant. Baby Gloria was then handcuffed in front of her horrified parents, taken into custody and transferred to Guantanamo for interrogation.

A few hours after the incident, the White House released a statement that said, "Today, President Bush courageously prevented a terrorist attack at the hands of a sleeper agent deviously embedded within an average American family using the disguise of an ordinary baby girl. Because of the President's bold and decisive action, America is safer, stronger and more secure."

Baby Gloria's parents have been taken to an undisclosed location and were unavailable for comment at press time.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Authors Of Left Behind Books Become Pagans

Sedona, Arizona - In a development that is sure to shock their mighty legions of fans, authors of the very popular Left Behind books, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, have renounced their conservative fundamentalist beliefs and have switched to Paganism. In a statement released today, they said that Paganism best suits their new philosophy that all of God's creatures are precious and deserving of protection.

Both LaHaye and Jenkins spoke to Assimilated Press while on a spiritual retreat in the desert resort community of Sedona. In this free ranging discussion they expressed sorrow for the hatred and intolerance that results from extreme interpretations of religious doctrine and apologized to people of all faiths for any offenses they may have committed through their Left Behind series of novels. Said LaHaye, "We were filled with hate when we wrote those books and now we are filled with love."

LaHaye and Jenkins also said they were tired of being sheep and of leading sheep. Said Jenkins, "With Paganism there is more fun and far less hatred. We also learned a very important lesson. Repression eats at the soul until there is nothing left but a void. I wish all of the people who read our books could feel the joy we are now feeling."

Asked if they still believed that Armageddon and End Times were approaching, they laughed and said, "That is a bunch of baloney that's been used for centuries to keep the faithful in line. It worked in the Dark Ages and it still works today."

Friday, October 13, 2006

President Bush Indicted For War Crimes

The Hague, Netherlands - It is being reported that the International Tribunal in The Hague has returned an indictment against President Bush for numerous violations of the Geneva Conventions. However, because of the sensitive nature of this indictment, a three judge panel has ruled that it remain sealed until after Bush leaves office, at which time he will be served and placed into custody for trial.

Knowledgeable sources have told Assimilated Press that the indictment alleges that President Bush willfully violated the articles of the Geneva Conventions which govern the humane treatment of prisoners. In particular, it cites Guantanamo and several other American prisons as being rife with detainee abuse and it squarely places blame for this abuse on President Bush for authorizing interrogation techniques that can only be described as torture.

The Tribunal also accuses President Bush of violating the detainees rights to due process and claims that many of the prisoners are being held unlawfully for years without trial or charges which is in direct conflict with international law. Although there has been no official comment from The Hague, Chief Prosecutor Jurgen Laenen has expressed his outrage over the actions of the Bush administration and during a recent interview on Dutch television he said, "Has America gone mad? Is this how they want to be seen by the rest of the world? I am afraid they have lost their moral authority and they will never be able to get it back."

When questioned about reports of the sealed indictments, President Bush angrily replied, "You think I'm afraid of some cheese eaters who wear wooden shoes. I say, bring it on."

Additional indictments are expected against Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Fox News Personality Chris Wallace Disowned By Father

New York, New York - Several days after his contentious interview with former President Bill Clinton, Chris Wallace received a letter from his father, veteran journalist Mike Wallace, that informed him that he was no longer part of the family and was officially being disowned. Sources close to Mike Wallace tell Assimilated Press that he took this action in order to preserve the dignity and honor of the family name.

Apparently, the elder Wallace has been quietly fuming ever since his son accepted a job with Fox News and has told friends, "My boy is a whore. He'll do anything for money. Hell, if he wasn't my son he wouldn't even be in television. He would working at Wal-Mart as a greeter. What he knows about journalism could fit on the head of a pin and that's probably giving him more credit than he deserves."

Chris Wallace had no comment. However, a spokesperson for Fox News said that Rupert Murdoch has agreed to adopt the younger Wallace who will now be spending the holidays with the Murdoch family.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

McCain Blames Clinton For Influenza Epidemic Of 1919

Washington, D.C. - Senator John McCain said today that he agreed with Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly when he claimed that former President Bill Clinton was responsible for the influenza epidemic of 1919. He also agreed with O'Reilly that Hillary Clinton was to blame for women's suffrage, Al Gore was at fault for cholesterol, and that Keith Olbermann had precipitated the end of Western civilization.

Said McCain, "When I am elected president there will be no more influenza outbreaks, women will lose the vote along with their reproductive rights, cholesterol will be eradicated, and Keith Olbermann will be sent to Guantanamo in order to preserve Western civilization."

In an related story, inside sources have told Assimilated Press that McCain has been guaranteed by highly placed officials from Halliburton and Exxon Mobil that he will be the Republican nominee for President in 2008.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Bush Throws Tantrum & Lashes Out At Assimilated Press

Washington, D.C. - Today, in an explosive news conference, President Bush directed his full rage at the Assimilated Press news organization for a series of investigative pieces that have shocked official Washington and deeply embarrassed the White House. The main target of Bush's tirade were two stories that showed an administration filled with betrayal, sexual intrigue, and incontinence.

The first story detailed the President's life-long problem with bed wetting and the effect it has had on his relationship with the First Lady. The second story raised the shocking specter of an adulterous affair between the First Lady and the Vice President.

These stories were clearly on the President's mind today when he pounded the podium with his fists and shouted out, "Who the hell do these people at Assimilated Press think they are? Nobody talks about me that way. Nobody! And this Virt fella, always investigating, always probing, always digging. He never stops. Why can't he behave himself like the rest of you in the press core. Where does he get off, thinking he can write anything he damn well pleases?" Bush then kicked the podium and stormed out of the room.

A few hours later, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow attempted to clarify the matter by insisting that Bush hasn't wet his bed in years and that Cheney wasn't having sex with Laura but was giving her a deep body massage.

Publisher's note: The publisher and executive editor of Assimilated Press both stand solidly behind their experienced reporter, Virt, and pledge their full support as Virt continues to pursue the stories people care about with the skill and tenacity of an Airedale on the scent of a river rat.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Neocons Prepared For Iraq War By Reading Chicken Entrails

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking development that is sure to fuel more debate and recriminations over the invasion of Iraq, Assimilated Press has learned that a small cabal of extremely powerful neocons, from both inside and outside of the Bush administration, held previously undisclosed meetings at the Vice President's mansion in Washington. These meetings started several months before the invasion of Iraq and were only recently discontinued. Among the participants were Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Perle of the American Enterprise Institute, Paul Gigot of the Wall Street Journal, and Roger Ailes of Fox News.

At these gatherings, this small group of men conducted secret rituals where they would slaughter a live chicken and spill its entrails into a crystal goblet. These fresh chicken entrails were then read by the high priest of the neocons, Dick Cheney, who they believed possessed the power to divine the future from these bloody mounds of poultry organs.

After these ceremonies, the information derived from the chicken entrails was packaged to look like official documents from the Department of Defense. These documents were then passed on to the White House where they were used as the casus belli for the invasion and subsequent war in Iraq.

When asked to comment for this report, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "Goodness gracious, that is a matter of national security. I can't comment on our secret meetings at the Vice President's mansion. They're top secret. Even the President doesn't know about them."

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Detainees Being Tortured By Lee Greenwood & Toby Keith

Guantanamo, Cuba - Detainees at Guantanamo continued their hunger strike into the second week as a protest against what they say is the inhumane treatment they are receiving at the hands of their American interrogators. In particular, the detainees are upset with the latest change in interrogation techniques which now includes alternating waterboarding with forced exposure to Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith songs played at a high volume.

Many of the detainees have said that they consider the waterboarding a cruel form of torture but that it pales in comparison to the music of Greenwood and Keith which they claim is a punishment that no man should have to endure. On the other hand, interrogators believe they have found the most effective tool for breaking their prisoners and extracting information.

One interrogator who wished to remain anonymous said, "Hell, every time we crank up the volume on Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith the detainees just fall apart and start blabbing like little babies. They'll do anything just to get us to turn off the music. Funny thing is, we tried everything, sleep deprivation, extreme stress positions, waterboarding, prolonged exposure to freezing temperatures. Nothing and I mean nothing, works like Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith. As for me and the other interrogators, we wear earplugs so it doesn't bother us at all."

This change in interrogation techniques is not without its critics. Several lawyers familiar with international law have said that forcing the detainees to listen to the music of Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith is clearly cruel and inhumane treatment under the Geneva Conventions.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Time Warner Renegotiating CNN's Contract With Republican Party

New York, New York - Richard D. Parsons, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Time Warner, met with White House political consultant Karl Rove yesterday in an effort to renegotiate CNN's present contract with the Republican Party. Apparently, Time Warner is using the ongoing wave of Republican scandals and weakness in the polls to push for terms that are more favorable to the corporate media giant.

Aides involved in the discussions have described them as friendly and say that both sides are near agreement. The issues boil down to only a few points. The White House wants CNN to continue its nonstop, unrestricted telecasting of every speech and appearance by President Bush. They also want to keep in place the ratio of ten Republican commentators for every single Democratic commentator who appears on CNN. This formula has worked very well for the GOP over the last 6 years and they are insisting that it stays in place. For its part, Time Warner wants expedited tax breaks and corporate immunity from all SEC investigations. A deal is expected to be announced tomorrow.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Speaker Hastert Claims He Was Molested By Bill Clinton

Washington, D.C. - In a very strange development, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is now saying that several years ago he was molested by then President Bill Clinton and that post traumatic stress disorder from that event is the reason he reacted so slowly in dealing with the Mark Foley scandal. Hastert further stated that he believes that the entire Republican leadership as well as Representative Mark Foley were also molested by Bill Clinton which he says explains why the episode with the congressional pages happened in the first place.

Said Hastert, "At first, I repressed the abuse I suffered from Bill Clinton. Then, in the last day or so, it came back to me all at once. My therapist called it memory recovery and said it is common when someone is subconsciously hiding something that traumatized them a long time ago. As I thought about it more and more over the last 24 hours I realized that this whole matter of Representative Foley's sexual misconduct and the lack of response by the Republican leadership is actually a Democratic scandal that is Bill Clinton's fault. If Bill Clinton hadn't molested me, Mark Foley and the entire Republican leadership none of this would have happened."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has contacted former independent counsel Ken Starr and instructed him to reopen his investigation of Bill Clinton in order to pave the way for the prosecution of the former president.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Pages Declared Enemy Combatants & Sent To Guantanamo

Washington, D.C. - In a last ditch effort to save the Republican Party from losing one or both houses of Congress, President Bush today signed an executive order declaring that all congressional pages who had contact with Representative Mark Foley were operating against the welfare of the United States and are therefore to be designated as Enemy Combatants. Shortly after this declaration was released, agents from the Department of Homeland Security detained all pages who fit this description and transferred them to Guantanamo for interrogation.

Weighing in on this controversy several hours later, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "Now that this issue involving inappropriate conduct between the pages and the Republican leadership has become a matter of national security, all documents, memos and e-mails are hereby classified as top secret and will not be available to the public or investigators. I am also instructing the Speaker of the House that it is in the best interests of the country that there be no more comments from him or any other Republican members of Congress on this issue. As far as we are concerned, we have removed the threat these pages presented to the security of America and now the matter is closed."

Following the President's declaration and the statement from the Attorney General, Fox News ran a special program featuring Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Ann Coulter. The program was called Satan's Pages Defeated By God's President, A True Story and it highlighted the heroic attempts by the Bush administration to keep the country safe from the renegade congressional pages who flouted their sexuality in an attempt to subvert the safety of the American people by disrupting the work of Congress. The program included several new songs by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith.

In an unrelated development, Karl Rove was seen talking with representatives of the Diebold Corporation.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Bush Publicly Defecates On Constitution

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a brazen display of his absolute power, President Bush instructed his aides to place the original copy of the Constitution on the lawn of the Rose Garden. Then, in front of the entire White House press core, Bush pulled down his pants, squatted and proceeded to defecate on America's most precious document. When the president finished, he pulled up his pants and proclaimed, "Our form of government is over 200 years old. We need something new."

Reaction from members of Congress was swift and overwhelmingly favorable. Senator McCain, speaking for most Republicans, said "President Bush is my kind of leader. What he says makes sense. 200 years is a long time. Besides, what is the Constitution anyway? It's just a piece paper."

The initial response from the media was also very positive. Brit Hume of Fox News said, "It takes a bold leader to point out the fact that the Founding Fathers were radicals who created a flawed document that is more fitting for a hippie commune than a great country." Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I applaud the president for this grand gesture of reform. Bush is a manly man who is sure of himself. I can't see John Kerry or Al Gore acting this decisively."

A few hours later, the president's aides gathered up the soiled Constitution and returned it to the National Archives.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Republican Leadership Blasts Pages For Immoral Behavior

Washington, D.C. - In a joint news conference today, Speaker Dennis Hastert and Majority Leader John Boehner severely criticized young male congressional pages for dressing in a seductive manner that encouraged advances from Republican congressman. Said Hastert, "We need to put the blame for this sordid behavior exactly where it belongs, on the pages. They prance around all bright-eyed and eager to please. Sometimes, they take off their ties and unbutton the tops of their shirts. And, those pants, those tight, tight pants, they should be ashamed of themselves, leading us on like that."

Majority Leader John Boehner added, "These pages look up to us Republicans in Congress. They see us protecting the nation's security from terrorists and it is very attractive to them. We appear manly, strong, forceful and virile. Sometimes these young pages can't control themselves and they throw themselves at us, tempting us with their youthful hard bodies. Their behavior is shameful, simply shameful, and they should be punished for it. Congressman Foley and the entire Republican leadership are the real victims here. Not these young pages who are stalking us for their own sexual gratification."

In a related development, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has opened a criminal investigation into the conduct of the young male congressional pages. Solicitation charges against the pages are expected.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Republicans Running Private Brothel Staffed With Pages

Washington, D.C. - Unnamed sources have informed Assimilated Press that top Republican leaders in Congress have established their own private brothel in the Capital Building. This secret brothel is staffed by pages and is only open to Republican members of Congress, top ranking officials at the White House and five select members of the Supreme Court.

Speaker Dennis Hastert, along with Majority Leader John Boehner, originally established the in-house brothel with the help of Representative Mark Foley. Their original intention was to create a special place where Republicans in government could relax and relieve pent-up stress. These Republican leaders also felt that this special atmosphere would allow them to form close relationships with their young pages who were, of course, financially compensated for this extra service that went well beyond their traditional duties as pages.

Now that the existence of this secret Congressional brothel has been made public, Republican leaders are hoping that it will not adversely impact Republican prospects in the upcoming November elections. To this end, they have retained the services of the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton to put the best possible spin on this evolving story. They believe that by showing the special collegial nature of this enterprise along with the health benefits of deep body oil massages that they can turn what seems to be a negative story into a heart warming tale of men and boys forming friendships that will last a lifetime.

Victoria Clark of Hill & Knowlton has already previewed this strategy by choosing to refer to the brothel as "a special men's club where hard working Republicans go to bond with young male pages after a hard days work of protecting the national security of the country."

In response to questions on this issue, White House press secretary Tony Snow criticized Democrats for not supporting better relations between government officials and pages.