US On Terror List

Washington, D.C. - The FBI has increased its domestic surveillance activities, adding suspects to its list of possible terrorists. The list, currently at around 20,000 names long, has so far yielded little information and even fewer arrests. However, a possible loophole in the Protect America Act recently passed by Congress could be interpreted as allowing electronic surveillance for purely domestic communications. This means that phone tapping, e-mail invasion, listening devices, radio frequency identification devices, and maybe even those cute little ankle bangles made fashionable by Martha Stewart will be legal tools for spying on American citizens communicating with other American citizens on U.S. soil. These American citizens would then be added to the FBI’s list.

There are those who point out that a list of 20,000 “suspects” is too large and unwieldy for the FBI. These critics say that in trying to monitor so many people the FBI spreads its resources too thinly, leading to inconclusive information. The FBI disagrees. “The problem” said FBI spokesman Tucker Yap “is not that the list of 20,000 is too long. The reason there weren’t more arrests is that these were not necessarily the correct 20,000 people.”

Mr. Yap offered the analogy of searching for buried treasure. “You can dig and dig looking for buried treasure,“ he explained, ”but if you’re on the wrong part of the beach it doesn’t matter how deep you dig, you’re still not going to find it.” Mr. Yap says the FBI, under the Persecute America Act, plans to find the treasure by digging up the entire beach. “The list isn’t too long, it’s too short,” said Mr. Yap. “The United States population is closing in on 303,000,000 people, and that’s not counting any undocumented aliens. If we add every man, woman, child, dog, cat and canary in America to the list, we’ll strike gold, for sure.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

NBC Nightly News Changes Name To GE Corporate Hour

New York, New York - In a long overdue acknowledgment to reality, the General Electric Corporation is changing the name of its signature evening newscast from NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams to the General Electric Corporate Hour with Brian Williams. As the new name suggests, the program will be extended to a full hour. Of course, in keeping with the precedent started when General Electric acquired NBC, only news that financially impacts General Electric will be shown and, as usual, it will be presented from the company's point of view.

In announcing this change, General Electric admitted that its position as a leading defense contractor was crucial in its decision to turn NBC News into a cosponsor of the Iraq war as well as its strong support for the use of torture and the repeal of the Constitution of the United States.

General Electric's Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Jeffrey Immelt said, "We don't let morality or truth get in our way of the only goal that counts, the bottom line. And, quite frankly, war is great for our bottom line."

Commenting on the name change, Immelt then said, "Why should we keep pretending that we are offering a fair and objective newscast every night when anyone with half a brain knows that we are not serving the public but our executive board and shareholders. In fact, the only time we ever think about the public is when we try to convince them to vote against their own interests by electing Republican candidates who are on our payroll. Isn't America a great country?"

In a related development, in place of his standard American flag lapel pin, Brian Williams will now be wearing a lapel pin that prominently displays the General Electric logo in the center of the stars and stripes.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 29, 2007

Will the Republican Party disappear once they are through raping and pillaging the American treasury and forever tarnishing the reputation of the United States?

Previous DQ: Are Bush and Cheney criminals, psychopaths or alien invaders who came to earth via a wormhole to pillage and rape the world?
Answer: Too many good answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

Bush Fails To Find Ass With Both Hands

Washington, D.C. - Today, during a joint press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, President Bush lashed out at his critics who have said that "he is so incompetent, he couldn't find his ass with both hands."

In an angry attempt to refute these detractors, the president raised his hands and shouted out to the assembled reporters that he was capable of finding his ass with both hands and he was going to prove it. Bush then proceeded to fumble around for several minutes, first touching his knees, then his elbows, then his stomach and finally his head, but alas, no ass.

Unable to contain himself, Putin shouted to Bush, "George, look behind you. That's where you'll find your ass."

The president then turned completely around to look at what was behind him and seeing nothing said, "Damn, I can't find it, Pooty Poot,"

Shaking his head in frustration, Putin replied "Well, it was there a minute ago."

Today's Daily Quiz: August 25, 2007

Are Bush and Cheney criminals, psychopaths or alien invaders who came to earth via a wormhole to pillage and rape the world?

Previous DQ: Will Democratic members of congress ever grow a spine and find their testicles?
Answer (thanks to Anonymous): Not unless a tornado hits Capitol Hill, swirls the building off to Oz, where it lands on and crushes Wicked Witch Mann Coulter. Then Dorothy Pelosi and Scarecrow Reid, along with Tin Man Kennedy and Cowardly Lion Murtha can all gaily skip down the Yellow Brick Road in search of the Wizard. He will return their spine (Pelosi), their testicles (Reid), their innocence (Kennedy) and their honor (Murtha). Of course, that stuff's only good in Oz, so when they click their heels together and return to Washington, it will all be only a dream.

Tony Snow Breaks Lie Detector

Washington, D.C. - White House press secretary Tony Snow has done what no other press secretary has ever done. He has singlehandedly broken a polygraph machine, also known as a lie detector.

This unique feat occurred during Snow's regularly scheduled press briefing when some enterprising engineers using remote access technology attempted to test their latest and most advanced lie detector. Snow was unaware that this test was occurring and answered the White House press corps questions according to his normal routine. Within minutes, the machine was belching smoke and flames. Fortunately, firefighters were called and they were able to extinguish the rapidly growing blaze before too much harm was done.

Fred Fitzroy of the American Polygraph Institute said, "I've never seen anything like it. The machine was detecting so many lies at such a rapid pace that it simply overheated and fried all of the circuits. No machine could have withstood the magnitude of this withering onslaught against the truth."

In a related development, President George W. Bush has given the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the White House press corps for their continuing servitude to his administration and the Republican Party.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 22, 2007

Will Democratic members of congress ever grow a spine and find their testicles?

Previous DQ: What will various members of the Bush administration and media be reincarnated as?
Answer: As usual, many good answers including parrots, poodles, lemmings and lap dogs for the media and slugs, scorpions and cockroaches for the Bush gang. Also, joe said that "Everyone who supported this war should have to come back as who they've harmed the most and made to suffer the same consequences of their decision as innocent Iraqi children have." Click here to look at all of the answers.

Fox News Indicted For War Crimes

The Hague, Netherlands - Prosecutors at the International Court in The Hague have released an indictment of Fox News for the role they played in promoting torture and the illegal invasion of Iraq which has led to the deaths of thousands of American soldiers and innocent Iraqis. Named as coconspirators in the complaint are Rupert Murdoch, Roger Ailes, Brit Hume, Bill O'reilly and Sean Hannity

Chief Judge Werner von Spissel of the War Crimes Tribunal said "We did not come to this decision lightly. However, we could not ignore the despicable actions that Fox News took in promoting blatant propaganda and outright lies that have now led to the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis. Furthermore, their actions in cheerleading the use of torture while slandering all critics of the Iraq policy clearly shows that they are not a news organization but a mouthpiece for the policies and goals of the Republican Party. Remember, it is not only those who directly commit crimes against humanity that are open to prosecution. Those who aid and abet these crimes must also answer for their actions."

There was no immediate response from Fox News to the release of the indictment by the International Court but Rupert Murdoch has called for the invasion of The Netherlands on the basis that the International Court in The Hague represents a clear and present danger to members of the Bush administration, their supporters and Republicans everywhere.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 20, 2007

What will various members of the Bush administration and media be reincarnated as?

Previous DQ: What recorded message does Dick Cheney have on his voice mail?
Answer (thanks to kb): "You have reached the fourth branch of the U.S. Government. We already have your name and number."

Fortune Cookie Says Bush To Be Reincarnated As Frog

Washington, D.C. - While dining in one of the capital's most expensive Chinese restaurants, President George W. Bush received a shocking premonition in his fortune cookie which left him visibly shaken and near tears. The narrow slip of paper that fell out of his traditional Chinese dessert contained a simple message. It stated, "You will undergo countless reincarnations as a frog and will be treated in these carnations as you yourself treated frogs."

Sources close to the president speculate that he was upset over this glimpse into the future because it reminded him of his favorite pastime as a young teenager in Kennebunkport, Maine when he would spend long afternoons placing firecrackers in frogs which he would then toss into the air as he gleefully watched them blowup. Apparently, thinking back on how he treated those helpless amphibians sent the president into a state of panic.

In a desperate effort to avoid his fate as predicted by his crunchy oracle, Bush claimed that it wasn't his fortune cookie but instead belonged to his wife Laura and that he had taken it by accident. However, the first lady would have none of this and scolded George for acting like a baby. In near hysteria, the president then shouted to the assembled diners that he was protected by executive privilege and that he had the power to declare the fortune cookie null and void. However, the owner of the restaurant, Mr. Lee, quickly struck down this last desperate ploy by stating unequivocally that "fortune cookies affect all people equally whether they are a lowly beggar or the president of the United States."

In a related development, the Department of Homeland Security has banned the importation of fortune cookies for reasons of national security.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 17, 2007

What recorded message does Dick Cheney have on his voice mail?

Previous DQ: What will the period of time comprising the Bush administration be known as?
Answer: Once again, too many excellent answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

American Justice System Officially Switches To Soviet Model

Washington, D.C. - The White House today made it official. The American justice system, which had been in use for over two hundred years, has been officially changed to mirror the justice system used by the now defunct Soviet Union.

Speaking on behalf of this radical change in American jurisprudence, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "Our old system, as laid out in the Constitution, was unreliable and unpredictable. By contrast, the Soviet style system always produces the results you expect and there is no messy oversight or independent judges who can get in your way. Also, it is the best example of a system where you can freely engage in torture, withhold secret evidence from the court, deny the accused access to attorneys, use coerced confessions, and, best of all, you are guaranteed a conviction each and every time."

Today's Daily Quiz: August 15, 2007

What will the period of time comprising the Cheney/Bush administration be known as?

Previous DQ: Now that Karl "Turdblossom" Rove is leaving the White House. What will his next job be?
Answer (thanks to Steaming Pile): Sensei at a Sith dojo,

Publisher's note: Click here to also read joe's chilling prophetic answer to the DQ

Karl Rove Loses Arm To Shredder

Washington, D.C. - The White House today announced that chief political adviser Karl Rove lost an arm in a freak accident while shredding boxes of documents in his office. Rove, who will be leaving his post at the end of the month, was apparently using his last few weeks at the White House to take care of his backlog of subpoenaed e-mails and documents when the mishap occurred.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 14, 2007

Now that Karl "Turdblossom" Rove is leaving the White House. What will his next job be?

Previous DQ: Most independent observers say that the Karl Rove inspired "surge" strategy in Iraq is a failure. Another monumental moment in surge failures occurred when George Herbert Walk Bush had the misfortune to experience a premature surge while locked in a carnal embrace with his then girlfriend, Barbara Pierce, in the back seat of a Rolls Royce in the parking lot of the Kennebunkport Country Club. Three months later, they were married. Six months after their marriage, Barbara gave birth to a "premature" baby boy named George W. Name other famous or infamous surges in history.
Answer (thanks to GeorgiaBlue): There was the infamous surge of paid Bush campaign officials who went to Florida and illegally, immorally and unethically stopped the counting of Democratic votes which put the disastrous Bush into office.

Disloyalty To Bush Punishable By Death

Washington, D.C. - In a new executive order issued today, President George W. Bush has declared that it is illegal to question his judgment or interfere in any way with his policies. Furthermore, any public display of opposition to President Bush or the Republican Party is punishable by immediate arrest and/or summary execution.

Responding to this far reaching executive order, Chief Justice John Roberts stated, "Of course, President Bush can detain any American citizen he wishes to and he can also order their immediate execution. This is well within his prerogatives as the Unitary Executive."

When Roberts was asked whether or not Hillary Clinton or any Democrat would have this same power if they were elected president, the Chief Justice laughed and then replied "Do you honestly think we would ever let Hillary or any other Democrat ever occupy the White House again?"

In a related development, by a five to four decision. the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the Constitution, which was written over two hundred years ago, has reached its expiration date and is no longer relevant. In keeping with the recent precedent of the last six years, America will now be governed by top secret diktats issued by the Unitary Executive.

Today's Daily Quiz: August 11, 2007

Most independent observers say that the Karl Rove inspired "surge" strategy in Iraq is a failure. Another monumental moment in surge failures occurred when George Herbert Walker Bush had the misfortune to experience a premature surge while locked in a carnal embrace with his then girlfriend, Barbara Pierce, in the back seat of a Rolls Royce in the parking lot of the Kennebunkport Country Club. Three months later, they were married. Six months after their marriage, Barbara gave birth to a "premature" baby boy named George W. Name other famous or infamous surges in history.

Previous DQ: It's time to rename the political parties. The Republican Party and Democratic Party have re-branded themselves over the last several years and now it is time for a name change to reflect their new identities. So, what new names would be most fitting for the two major parties?
Answer: OK, all of the answers are so good it is mandatory to read them if you haven't already done so. Click here to pick your favorite.

Colin Powell Fails To Find Lost Integrity

Washington, D.C. - After a futile search lasting more than two years, Colin Powell has finally come to the conclusion that his integrity, honor and good name will never be recovered.

Infamous for his notorious pro-Iraq war speech at the United Nations which was filled with lies and misrepresentations, and which also was instrumental in selling this aggressive war of choice to the American people, Powell has been seeking redemption for his role in the Bush administration.

Asked why he didn't resign or more forcefully challenge the positions of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, Powell shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've always gotten ahead by doing whatever my political superiors ordered me to do. I tried to cover up the My Lai Massacre. I always nodded my head and said 'Yes, sir' to Reagan when he mumbled something stupid, and it got me four stars as well as fame and fortune. Being a yes-man was the key to my success. It had worked in the past and I was sure it would work in the Bush administration, but I had no idea how evil, stupid and ruthless the team of Cheney, Rove and Bush could be. They used me like a roll of toilet paper and when they were finished wiping their asses they flushed me down the toilet. Now, I am just an empty hollow husk of a human being, an object of scorn and ridicule."

In an unrelated development, Colin Powell's son, Michael Powell, has accepted four million dollars in deferred compensation from Rupert Murdoch, General Electric, Viacom, Time Warner, and Disney for his services to the media giants during his tenure as chairman of the FCC. Rupert Murdoch, who presented the check to Powell, said, "This is the best four million dollars we've ever spent."

Today's Daily Quiz: August 9, 2007

It's time to rename the political parties. The Republican Party and Democratic Party have re-branded themselves over the last several years and now it is time for a name change to reflect their new identities. So, what new names would be most fitting for the two major parties?

Previous DQ: What is the difference between Benito Mussolini and George W. Bush?
Answer: Wow! Thanks to everyone who commented with this really amazing list of answers. Impossible to choose one. Click here to pick your favorite.

New Orleans Suffering From Storm-Battered City Syndrome

New Orleans, Louisiana - After a brief episode of strained relations, New Orleans has forgiven President Bush for having had contact with Minneapolis. For his part Mr. Bush has staunchly maintained all along that his relationship with Minneapolis was strictly business and that his pledging aid to Minneapolis for bridge repair was nothing more than a friendly gesture.

Immediately after Mr. Bush's visit to Minneapolis, closely before the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans claimed alienation of Mr. Bush's affections. However, after Bush renewed his vows to rebuild New Orleans, the city appears to have forgiven all.

Marcia Funebre, an expert on domestic relations, says that New Orleans' willingness to forgive demonstrates a typical pattern. "It's storm-battered city syndrome," said Ms. Funebre. "New Orleans realizes, on some level, that Bush hasn't told the truth. But, at the same time, New Orleans looks around and thinks 'Well, there aren't any dead people rotting in wheelchairs on the sidewalks, or armed gangs taking over the hospitals or people drowning in their own attics or being mugged in the Convention Center, so maybe things really aren't all that bad.' After having invested two long, hard years in the relationship New Orleans is reluctant to totally give up on Bush."

It has been pointed out that some of the current presidential candidates would be eager to ally themselves with the city. John Edwards, in particular, has appeared several times in New Orleans using the unresolved post-Katrina problems as a demonstration of Bush's incompetency and neglect, while claiming that he would be the city's knight in shining armor. Edwards even got a haircut prior to one visit. So, why hasn't New Orleans explored its other options?

"Of course there are many candidates who would be happy to give New Orleans attention," agreed Ms. Funebre, "It's still quite an attractive city and it has that cute French accent. John Edwards probably isn't the only candidate who would come to the city with a solid proposal. But, evidently New Orleans isn't at that stage of self-awareness yet. New Orleans seems willing to continue to tolerate the cycle of sweet talk and broken promises."

Questioned about Mr. Bush's feelings for New Orleans, Ms. Funebre said, "No one can look into George Bush's heart and know what he really feels. But, let's not forget that before there was New Orleans there was Baghdad. Personally, I don't think Bush has ever gotten over his infatuation with Baghdad. Even though it's been years since he's seen Baghdad, he still talks about that city every day. His heart has been captured by an exotic city and foreign affairs. An American city and routine domestic relations don't seem to excite him anymore."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: August 7, 2007

What is the difference between Benito Mussolini and George W. Bush?

Previous DQ: Senator Diane Feinstein has supported Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy and his war in Iraq. Now, she is supporting his nomination of an extremist right wing hate monger to a lifetime appointment in the federal judiciary. Is Senator Feinstein on drugs or is she being blackmailed by Karl Rove?
Answer: Once again, too many good answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

New Orleans & Bush: A Sinking Relationship?

New Orleans, Louisiana - With the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina only weeks away rumor has it that all is not happy between New Orleans and President Bush. According to friends, New Orleans is jealous of the attention Bush has spent recently on Minneapolis.

"It's all well and good for him to phone and say he'll be late for a visit," sniffed Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans. "I know he's a busy man. I think I have been more than understanding of that, he has a whole war to run. But, somehow, even though he can't find the time to show up here he manages to find the time to go up to Minnesota and see that Minneapolis. Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can stay there, for all I care."

Mr. Bush, who was seen in the past few days in Minnesota where he was photographed in an outdoor area, does not deny he visited Minneapolis. "My relationship with Minneapolis is strictly professional," said Mr. Bush through a spokesman.

"Despite everything, New Orleans is still a vibrant, fun city," said Mayor Nagin. "This city has a lot of good parts left. New Orleans is going to let the good times roll and we don't give a damn where George W. Bush chooses to spend his weekends."

Lawyers for New Orleans assert that the funds and help pledged to the city have not been distributed, that FEMA supplied unfit living quarters in the form of toxic trailers, that significant parts of the city's infrastructure have not been rebuilt, and that restoration contracts went to large national firms under a no-bid process instead of to local firms as had been promised.

"New Orleans has good reason to be upset," said a prominent attorney. "Promises were made in a very public manner and now two years have gone by and those promises haven't been kept. This is supposed to be a long-term relationship not a one night stand. It's terrible the way Bush has treated New Orleans, and New Orleans has to have some pride. If Bush can find an extra $250 million in his pocket to spend on a nice, new sparkly bridge for Minneapolis then he'd better expect New Orleans to go after him for everything he's got."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Bush Publicly Defecates On Constitution

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a brazen display of his absolute power, President Bush instructed his aides to place the original copy of the Constitution on the lawn of the Rose Garden. Then, in front of the entire White House press core, Bush pulled down his pants, squatted and proceeded to defecate on America's most precious document. When the president finished, he pulled up his pants and proclaimed, "Our form of government is over 200 years old. We need something new."

Reaction from members of Congress was swift and overwhelmingly favorable. Senator McCain, speaking for most Republicans, said "President Bush is my kind of leader. What he says makes sense. 200 years is a long time. Besides, what is the Constitution anyway? It's just a piece paper."

The initial response from the media was also very positive. Brit Hume of Fox News said, "It takes a bold leader to point out the fact that the Founding Fathers were radicals who created a flawed document that is more fitting for a hippie commune than a great country." Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I applaud the president for this grand gesture of reform. Bush is a manly man who is sure of himself. I can't see John Kerry or Al Gore acting this decisively."

A few hours later, the president's aides gathered up the soiled Constitution and returned it to the National Archives.

Publisher's note: This story was originally published on Wednesday, October 04, 2006. It is being reposted in memory of the Constitution of the United States which was recently murdered by George W. Bush and the Republican Party with a large number of Democratic senators and representatives serving as accomplices.

Bush Looks For Black Person To Hug

Minneapolis, Minnesota - President Bush visited the site of the Minneapolis bridge tragedy promising support for the area and pledging government help for speedy reconstruction. The president met with some survivors of the bridge collapse and the families of victims. Minneapolis demographically has a predominantly white population, and a great many of the victims were commuting to jobs. This seemed to confuse Mr. Bush who kept looking around for black people on welfare to hug.

Standing on the banks of the northern Mississippi, Mr. Bush pledged, "We will do what it takes to rebuild New Orleans. New Orleans will not be forgotten." After a hasty hand-over-mic intervention by an aide Mr. Bush added, "And I just wanted the people of Minneapolis to, uh, know that...about New Orleans, I mean. And you too...Minneapolis too...just like New Orleans. We, uh, you, uh, in our prayers...Laura's and mine."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: August 5, 2007

Senator Diane Feinstein has supported Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy and his war in Iraq. Now, she is supporting his nomination of an extremist right wing hate monger to a lifetime appointment in the federal judiciary. Is Senator Feinstein on drugs or is she being blackmailed by Karl Rove?

Previous DQ: What movie makes you think of the Bush administration?
Answer: Once again, too many good answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

Senator Diane Feinstein Believes In The Tooth Fairy

Washington, D.C. - Senator Diane Feinstein has a history of supporting President Bush's tax cuts for the rich and his failed policy in Iraq which makes her partially responsible for the massive budget deficit and the disaster in Iraq. Now, she has come out in favor of Leslie Southwick, an extremist racist misogynistic homophobic bigot, for a lifetime appointment to the federal judiciary.

Despite Southwick's long record against minorities, women and civil rights, Feinstein said "Southwick talked to me and told me he is a decent man. That is good enough for me so I will support him."

Feinstein later said that she also believes in the Tooth Fairy, that the moon is made of cheese, and that she is a politician with integrity, all demonstrably false.

Alberto Gonzales Double Dares Congress To Impeach Him

Washington, D.C. - In a strikingly brazen display of contempt for Congress, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales pulled down his pants and mooned Senator Pat Leahy and then spit in the face of Senator Diane Feinstein before yelling out to the entire Judiciary Committee "Impeach me, you cowardly scum! I double dare you! I triple dare you!"

Gonzales then urinated on an expensive Persian rug on the floor of the committee room while refusing to answer whether or not plucking the eyeballs from a prisoner was torture or simply enhanced interrogation.

Several hours after his committee appearance, President Bush once again reiterated his support for his embattled attorney general by saying, "Gonzo is my guy. Hell, a neutered Chihuahua couldn't be more loyal than my buddy Gonzo. There isn't anything he wouldn't cover up for...oops, I mean do for me. I'm behind him 100 percent or 200 percent, whichever is larger."

Supreme Court Rules Democrats Have No Standing

Washington, D.C. - In a five to four decision, the Supreme Court of the United States today ruled that Democrats and other non-Republicans have no standing to petition the Court for redress.

Speaking for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "My colleagues and I who voted in the majority for this decision are Republicans. We were placed on the court by Republicans for the sole purpose of advancing Republican ideology, power and financial benefit. That is why we are here and that is our mission. Democrats and other non-Republicans stand in the way of advancing the one-party state and are therefore considered enemies of the Court without standing."

In another decision, the Supreme Court ruled that Halliburton and Exxon Mobil may avoid answering any questions in criminal and civil proceedings by claiming Executive Privilege because of their close affiliation with both Vice President Cheney and President George W. Bush.

Cheney Died And Rose Again

Washington, D.C. - According to the website www.zaplife.org the Indwelling Cardiac Device (ICD) replaced in Vice President Dick Cheney's heart must be tested for proper functioning prior to the chest suture being closed. Evidently the only way for a device to be tested is for the doctors to induce an arrhythmic heartbeat, which then leads to cardiac arrest, which leads to death. This is part of the routine testing of such a device in the controlled environment of a surgical suite under the watchful eyes of appropriate medical staff.

This means that Dick Cheney, for a nanosecond or two, was dead prior to being brought back to life by the proper functioning of the device and that George W. Bush was but a heartbeat away from the presidency.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: August 1, 2007

What movie makes you think of the Bush administration?

Previous DQ: What do sexual orientation, trade union membership and racial background have to do with terrorism?
Answer (thanks to kb): Openly gay people, union members, and non-white people (and their votes) are all terrifying to Republicons.

Al Qaeda Gives Bush Award For Aiding Recruitment

Karachi, Pakistan - In their yearly awards ceremony, televised live throughout the entire Middle East, Al Qaeda today bestowed upon President George W. Bush their highest honor, the Golden Codpiece, in recognition of his many contributions to Al Qaeda over the last six years.

Presenting the award was Omar Ali, head of Al Qaeda's human resources division, who said "We are deeply indebted to President Bush. Nowhere in our wildest dreams did we believe he would be such a good ally to Al Qaeda and its many affiliates around the world. Six years ago, we were on our last legs and it was very difficult to attract fresh recruits who were willing to blow themselves up. Now, we have a long list of volunteers waiting to join the organization as well as a wonderful training facility in Iraq, all courtesy of the great George W. Bush. The best friend we could have ever hoped for."

Previous winners of the Golden Codpiece were Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Joe Lieberman and Condoleeza Rice.