Today's Daily Quiz: June 30, 2007

28 percent of Americans believe that George W. Bush is doing a heckuva job. What else do these 28 percent believe?

Previous DQ: Forget the elephant and donkey. What animals, vegetables or minerals should be the next mascots for the Republicans and Democrats?
Answer: For the Republicans, the cockroach which lurks in the dark and defiles the environment while spreading pestilence. For the Democrats, the extinct Dodo bird which easily fell victim to predators because it did not know how to defend itself.

Cheney Not Really Cheney

Washington, D.C. - A subpoena issued to the Vice President yesterday by the Senate Judiciary Committee has been rejected by the Vice President's office. Dana Perillo, press liaison for the Vice President, said that the subpoena was invalid because there is no one named Cheney in the Vice President's office.

"A subpoena is a legal document and has to be addressed to the correct recipient," said Ms. Perillo. "There is no one named Cheney in the Vice President's office. There is no such person to give the subpoena to."

Asked why the Vice President has called himself "Cheney" if that is not his name Ms. Perillo said "Due to security concerns both the President and the Vice President felt it was more prudent for the Vice President's true identity to remain concealed. Those who wish to harm America would have much big magic and serious mojo if they knew the Vice President's real name. We can't allow that to happen."

Ms. Perillo, in response to questioning, said that the Vice President's real name was in a safe undisclosed location. She also stressed that if the need ever arose the Vice President would be able to retrieve his real name "within minutes."

"This country has not been attacked again. That is due to the many measures we have taken to win the war on terror, including not revealing the Vice President's true name. Everything changed after 9/11 and we're facing a new kind of enemy. Al Qaeda is constantly scheming on how to get their hands on the Vice President's old high school gym locker combination, or his toenail clippings, or a pizza delivery coupon his third cousin once used. That's why everything and anything having to do with the Vice President and his office is classified. This is a clash of civilizations and the safety of all freedom loving people everywhere depends on the Vice President being able to remain completely hidden from view."

While all information about the Vice President is shrouded in secrecy, Washington insiders say that, in reality, the man who calls himself "Cheney" is at least 30 pounds heavier and several inches taller.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 29, 2007

It's time to retire the elephant and donkey. What animals, vegetables or minerals should be the next mascots for the Republicans and Democrats?

Previous DQ: What do Chris Matthews and Ann Coulter have in common?
Answer: They both want to have Fred Thompson's baby.

No Nukes For Nude Beaches

Boston, Massachusetts - UK news outlet The Inquirer on June 26, 2007 revealed that the FBI has visited top US technical universities in an effort to stop American college students from going abroad during vacations. MIT, Boston College and U of Mass were reported as having been warned of foreign spies, terrorists and the need to safeguard high-tech research. Evidently the FBI wants the universities to "impose rules that will stop US university students from working late at the campus, traveling abroad, showing an interest in their colleagues' work, having friends outside the United States, engaging in independent research or making extra money without the prior consent of the authorities."

The FBI gave a list of guidelines to university administrators. On the list was the suggestion that faculty, staff and students be encouraged to spy on each other to better inform the FBI of any suspicious behavior.

Assimilated Press contacted Dr. Honoris Causa, Dean of Technology at the Sam Adams School of Technology, to question her about her reaction to the FBI visits. "I'm not quite sure what the FBI is thinking," mused Dr. Causa. "Are they worried that while students are at a nude beach someone will steal nuclear secrets out of the pockets they are not wearing? Or, perhaps the FBI is afraid American students going overseas will get a chance to see what a real democracy looks like and come back with ideas."

Speculating on the FBI domestic guidelines Dr. Causa said "Students always work late; that's why it's called an all-nighter and not an all-dayer. This could be the death of the pizza delivery industry. As for having friends outside the US, doesn't that Bush friend, 'Bandar Bush', live in Saudi Arabia, you know, the country the real terrorists actually came from? I'm not sure how making extra money could be prohibited, anyway. Besides, what's extra? Most graduate stipends are slightly less than indentured servitude."

Asked about whether students should engage in independent research or be interested in their colleagues' work Dr. Causa laughed. "I'd be delighted if our students engaged in independent research or were interested in learning about other peoples' academic studies", she said. "Mostly students are engaged in loud parties and they tend to show the most interest in sex, drugs and rock n' roll. They also spend a certain amount of time sniffing their socks to see if they can get one more wearing out of them before having to do the laundry."

In a related story, the American Nazi Party, the Federation of Former Soviet Secret Police, the Retired East German Border Guard Marching and Bratwurst Society, Xenophobes R Us, Paranoids United, the Dick Cheney Fan Club, North Korean Dear Leader Admiration Society, and Morons for More Repression have issued a joint statement welcoming the guidelines.

Campus Pizza Delivery, an umbrella group representing pizza, tacos, soft drinks, cookies and snack food vending machines, has loudly condemned the FBI guidelines.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 28, 2007

What do Chris Matthews and Ann Coulter have in common?

Previous DQ: On what date did post-democratic America begin?
Answer (thanks to Homeland Security): All of the answers were good. However, the definitive date for the beginning of post-democratic America had to be December 12, 2000 when the Supreme Court overturned the will of the people and constitutional government in the Bush versus Gore decision.

Cheney Claims He Is Not Human

Washington, D.C. - Vice President Cheney today dismissed critics complaining he has subverted the law, claiming that only humans have to obey the law and he is not human. According to the Vice President, as he often goes into his garage, he is also an automobile, and therefore exempt from any legal codes and statutes.

When interviewed recently on television by Tim Russert, Mr. Cheney said, "What goes into a garage? A car, correct?" Mr. Russert agreed that, "Yes, a car goes into a garage."

"Well," continued the Vice President, "I go into the garage all the time. That makes me a car. If I'm a car, that means, obviously, that I'm not just human, I'm also part car. You see, Tim, the law applies only to humans. It doesn't apply to me."

The White House and the Vice President's office refused to disclose Mr. Cheney's make and model as this is classified information. However, one White House insider commented, "I will tell you one thing, he's sure as hell not fuel efficient."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Cheney Tortures Logic & Stretches Truth

Washington, D.C. - White House insiders admitted today that Vice President Cheney was observed torturing logic. “The Vice President,” said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous, “is torturing logic and also using a rack to stretch the truth.” The Vice President, who in the past has claimed executive privilege to refuse oversight of his office, has now claimed that he is not part of the Executive branch after all. Mr. Cheney asserts that since his vote serves as the tie-breaker in the Senate and he attends Senate sessions, he is actually part of the Legislative branch. However, Mr. Cheney also has refused to comply with the oversight authority of the legislature, claiming his executive privilege.

“It was horrible,” said the staffer, voice shaking, as he described watching the Vice President torturing logic and truth. “He kept turning the crank on the rack and stretching truth further and further until finally it just snapped. All the while Cheney was shooting piercing glances and hammering the truth with questions. Then he took a whip and tortured logic until logic was moaning and babbling. By the time Cheney was done logic was helplessly and hopelessly illogical. Then he moved on to drowning out protest using a waterboard.“

Asked if President Bush had taken part in the torture the staffer replied, “No, the President wasn’t available to torture logic and stretch truth because he was off somewhere else mangling syntax.”

Tony Snow, White House press spokesman, refuted the charges that the Vice President tortured logic or stretched truth. “We are facing a terrible enemy, which is why it is of the utmost importance to national security that the taxpayers not know how many staffers they are paying to work in the Vice President’s office. It is also vital that no one in America knows who Cheney is meeting with or where he goes. No one should know this crucial information, certainly not regular Americans or Congress, and probably not even the President.”

When asked why citizens should not know what their public servant was doing, Mr. Snow replied, “It’s right there in the Constitution. I’m not sure exactly where, because I’m not a Constitutional scholar like the Vice President is, but he claims it’s in there and I accept his explanation. And so should you.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 25, 2007

On what date did post-democratic America begin?

Previous DQ: What do George W. Bush, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have in common?
Answer (thanks to Erika): They all hate democracy.

Publisher's note: Once again, great answers in the comments section.

Jack Bauer Tortures Daughter To Get Confession

Los Angeles, California - Assimilated Press has learned that early last week American counter-intelligence agent Jack Bauer tortured his twenty year old daughter Kim until she admitted that she had withdrawn 200 dollars from his bank account by stealing his ATM card.

When questioned about this by Assimilated Press, Bauer admitted that he had engaged in some enhanced interrogation techniques on his only child in order to find out if she was the one who had stolen his money. Said Bauer, "I had no choice. The unauthorized withdrawal had dangerously depleted my funds and checks were starting to bounce. I had to act quickly. The clock was ticking and I was running out of time. Fortunately, after a few bouts of waterboarding, a broken kneecap and some electrical jolts from a wall socket, I got the truth from my daughter."

Doctors said that Kim Bauer should be released from the hospital in six weeks and that it is likely she will regain most of the use of her left leg after extensive therapy.

In a later development, a transient was found with Bauer's ATM card and 200 dollars in cash. Apparently, Jack Bauer had left the card in the ATM machine on his last transaction and the transient used it after Bauer left to make the unauthorized withdrawal.

Commenting on this latest twist in the story, Bauer said "Wow, I guess Kim didn't steal the money from me after all. I wonder why she confessed if she was innocent. Oh well, I'll make it up to her when she gets out of the hospital."

Today's Daily Quiz: June 24, 2007

What do George W. Bush, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have in common?

Previous DQ: What should be done with the expensive prison facilities built by Halliburton in Guantanamo after it's closure?
Answer: Can't beat the great answers in the comments section.

Bill O'Reilly Renews Contract With Satan

New York, New York - After vigorous and often tense negotiations, Bill O'Reilly and Satan were finally able to come to agreement on the terms for renewing O'Reilly's contract. Sources close to the Fox News personality have told Assimilated Press that O'Reilly's new deal with the devil entitles him to a life time association with Fox News, all the luffa sponges he could ever use and a steady supply of subservient female aides who will tolerate his misogynistic remarks and crude behavior. Also included in the agreement is a large amount of money, high ratings and a stockpile of fabricated controversies to prevaricate on.

In return, O"Reilly has signed over his soul to Satan and agreed to eternal damnation in hell. In commenting on his pact with the devil, O'Reilly said "All in all, I think I got a pretty good deal from Satan. All Hume and Hannity got for their souls was a raise and a couple of hookers."

Today's Daily Quiz: June 22, 2007

What should be done with the expensive prison facilities built by Halliburton in Guantanamo after its closure?

Previous DQ: Why is a conservative like a penguin?
Answer: Conservatives gather in groups, make a lot of noise and only have sex once a year.

Statue Of Liberty Being Sent Back To France

New York, New York - A blue ribbon commission appointed by President Bush has decided to tear down the Statue of Liberty, load it onto a merchant ship and send it back to France.

"The Statue of Liberty and what it represents no longer applies to the America of today," said Rudy Giuliani, a member of the commission. "We don't need the tired, poor and huddled masses. We need more Republicans. Besides, the Statue of Liberty is French."

Heading up the commission was Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia who agreed with Giuliani and also added, "Good lord, my four colleagues and I already spend far too much time keeping minorities from polluting our elections with their votes once they become citizens. We need to keep America for Americans. Screw the immigrants."

Immigration rights activists claim that the whole issue might be moot in a few years because of the Bush administration's failed economic policies which will send increasing numbers of Americans to Mexico in search of higher paying jobs.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 19, 2007

Why is a conservative like a penguin?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: First Ladies have said "Just Say No," and "Beautify America." What
will Bill Clinton's cause be if he becomes First Husband?
Answer: A special White House intern program for sexually active teenage girls to teach them how to triangulate.

Special note to Homeland Security and Anonymous: It will include cigars and twins.

Justice Antonin Scalia Endorses Torture

Ottawa, Canada - Today, while paying tribute to the fictional character Jack Bauer of Fox's hit program 24 at an international legal conference, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia gave his whole-hearted endorsement to the use of torture in extracting information and confessions from suspects.

Said Scalia, "Civil rights and individual liberties get in the way of the government maintaining control over its citizens. America needs to be more like North Korea where there is no crime and no disobedience to authority. Do you think North Korea got that way by accident? No, they got there by killing and torturing opponents who were harming their society. I have enormous admiration for North Korea. Their government has hundreds of Jack Bauers who have tortured and murdered their way into creating a society that is docile and unquestioning of power. My goal, which is shared by my fellow justices Thomas, Roberts, Alito and Kennedy, is to make America more like North Korea and programs like Fox's 24 will help to make this dream a reality."

Today's Daily Quiz: June 18, 2007

First Ladies have said "Just Say No," and "Beautify America." What
will Bill Clinton's cause be if he becomes First Husband?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: What is the recipe for Condoleeza Rice?
Answer: Burn until unrecognizable. Then blame Bill Clinton for ruining the meal.

Harry Truman Last President To Have Balls

Palo Alto, California - Stanford University scientists have established that Harry Truman, America's 33rd President, was the last president to have testicles. The scientists were completing the DNA sequencing of all presidents when they noticed a trend. "While John F. Kennedy and Lyndon Baines Johnson had testicles they could best be described as vestigial", said Dr. Gene Nettucks, Stanford Professor of Biotechnology. "Bill Clinton, noted for his extramarital exploits, appears to have a fully-functioning anatomy but his testicular strength is quite atrophied, as witnessed by his many compromises and centrist stances while president."

Professor Nettucks explained that Clinton is not alone in that all presidents from Truman on have shown testicular atrophy. "Most recent presidents were beholden to some interest, whether corporate or military. In some cases, the presidents were beholden to their political party or those with great special interest bloc voter influence. Either way, someone had them by the short hairs and this constant pressure appears to have harmed them irreparably" said Dr. Nettucks.

Asked whether any of the current crop of candidates, including Sen. Hillary Clinton, had the necessary testicular fortitude to be president, Dr. Nettucks said, " We don't know about Bill Richardon yet. Richardson may have some testicular potential, again, like Bill Clinton probably only vestigial, but better than nothing at all. But, for the rest, I would be very surprised at finding true, actual testicles on any of them."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 16, 2007

What is the recipe for Condoleeza Rice?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: What is the difference between Dick Cheney and a rotweiller?
Answer: One is vicious, prone to attack without reason and is constantly licking its own crotch. The other is a dog.

Publisher's note: All of the answers were great.

Chris Matthews Loves Aqua Velva Men

New York, New York - Once again, showing his predilection for men who talk tough and smell manly, Chris Matthews has professed his enormous attraction for the former lobbyist and current television actor Fred Thompson. Said Matthews, "You know, I just love the way Fred Thompson smells. I can't get enough of his aroma. When he walks into a room I get light-headed and my temples start to throb. I even fainted once or twice when he shook my hand."

Matthews then went on to say that his idea of a dream vacation would be two weeks in Bermuda with Fred Thompson in an ocean front cottage and all of the Chardonnay they could drink.

MSNBC has said in the past that Matthews' love interests which have included George W. Bush, Rudi Giuliani and John McCain, will not affect his ability to disparage Democrats for being weak, un-American and unmanly.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 15, 2007

What is the difference between Dick Cheney and a rotweiller?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: What is the rest of this phrase? "Republicans: can't live with 'em, can't...
Answer (thanks to Lilith): hold an unfair, unrigged election without 'em.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 14, 2007

What is the rest of this phrase? "Republicans: can't live with 'em, can't...

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Karl Rove Replaces Alberto Gonzales As Attorney General

Washington, D.C. - President Bush announced today that Karl Rove would be taking over as Attorney General to replace the struggling and scandal ridden Gonzales. Bush said, "Karl has had an interest in voter fraud for many, many years and now he can work on it directly without having to go through Alberto all of the time."

Although most members of the media reacted favorably to the President's announcement, opposition to the appointment of Rove in Congress is substantial. However, leading Democratic senators said that they don't expect a filibuster since that would be confrontational and would be contrary to the advice their political consultants are giving them which is to lay low and keep their mouth's shut.

Among Karl Rove's biggest supporters is Senator Joe Lieberman who said, "Karl is a man of immense integrity. He is my friend. He is my mentor. He is the father of my children."

Rove has no experience in the law but he has testified in front of a grand jury numerous times which does make him more qualified than Monica Goodling.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 13, 2007

No quiz today but an invitation for all of you to submit your own quizzes or questions you would like to see on the DQ. Just post them in comments and we will select the best ones.

Previous DQ: Who is more trustworthy, a Bush appointed US Attorney, a convicted embezzler, or any "reporter" at Fox News?
Answer: OK, stogoe is right. That one was way too easy.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 12, 2007

Who is more trustworthy, a Bush appointed US Attorney, a convicted embezzler, or any "reporter" at Fox News?

Previous DQ: The George W. Bush library will only have one book. What will it be?
Answer: The Reader's Digest Bible: Illustrated Edition.

Paris Hilton In Bloody Escape Flees To Malibu

Malibu, California - Today, in a daring prison break, Paris Hilton overpowered a guard, took his gun, shot three deputies and escaped from Twin Towers Correctional Facility in central Los Angeles. Shortly after shooting her way out of the prison, Hilton commandeered a Mercedes SL650 Roadster from a startled Amway salesman and then drove to Malibu where she sought refuge at Mel Gibson's palatial estate.

Within hours, dozens of police officers surrounded the estate but they were quickly outnumbered by representatives of the world media who set up satellite uplinks and began broadcasting about the siege in Malibu nonstop as tension continued to mount.

During the course of the afternoon, Paris Hilton fired several shots from Gibson's compound to keep the police at bay and was heard yelling out of a broken window that she would not go back to that hell hole in Los Angeles and that they would never take her alive. Unfortunately, her vow may not just be the bravado of a young celebrity known exclusively for her partying and haughty attitude as witnesses have informed Assimilated Press that Mel Gibson had not only given her sanctuary but had also opened up his substantial arsenal of automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades for her personal use.

Said Gibson, "I'm not going to let the Jews crucify Paris Hilton the way they tried to crucify me. They got her drunk same as me and then they forced us to drive so they could arrest us. It's a conspiracy plain and simple. Why do you think bread tears when you spread peanut butter on it? Huh? It's the Jews. Why is there Day Light Saving Time? The Jews. And why do traffic lights turn red just before you get to them? Also, the Jews."

Sheriff Baca said that he was negotiating with his good friend Mel Gibson and that he thought a peaceful resolution was possible. To show his good faith, Baca acquiesced to a number of Paris Hilton's demands which included two cases of vodka, a hairdresser, a pirated DVD of Weekend at Bernie's and four personal servants.

The standoff is expected to last for many days and Assimilated Press will remain on the scene to give you the latest breaking news.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 11, 2007

The George W. Bush library will only have one book. What will it be?

Previous DQ: Is the Federalist Society a cult, a political group seeking to take control of the government like the Bolsheviks did in Russia or just a bunch of fun loving people who like to get drunk and watch reruns of Lawrence Welk while they swap spouses and talk about how everything that is wrong with America can be blamed on the 60's?
Answer (homeland security is correct): All of the above.

Republican Candidates Eat Vegetarian

Boise, Idaho - In an attempt to show how tough they are, all nine declared candidates for the Republican presidential nomination and former senator Fred Thompson ate a vegetarian.

The meal was prepared by guest chiefs David Broder and Brit Hume and was televised live on Fox News in place of a regularly scheduled debate. Commenting on the unusual change in programming, Rupert Murdoch said, "Debates are boring. We needed something new and exciting to spark our viewer's interest while showing off our fine field of Republican candidates."

The vegetarian was a young woman named Patricia Owens who had last been seen shouting anti-Iraq war slogans at an outdoor photo-op by President Bush before she was led away in handcuffs by the secret service.

Ms. Owens was lightly seasoned with rosemary and chives and then slow roasted over an open fire. She was served with a giblet gravy and mashed potatoes.

All of the candidates and Fred Thompson had seconds. Senator John McCain seemed to particularly enjoy the meal and was seen smiling as he gnawed on a femur bone.

Media response and instant polling showed a favorable reaction from the public who now said, by a ten to one margin, that Republicans are tougher and are much more likely to kill and eat their adversaries than Democrats.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 10, 2007

Is the Federalist Society a cult, a political group seeking to take control of the government like the Bolsheviks did in Russia or just a bunch of fun loving people who like to get drunk and watch reruns of Lawrence Welk while they swap spouses and talk about how everything that is wrong with America can be blamed on the 60's?

Previous DQ: What do Laura Bush, Barney, Joe Lieberman and Lucifer have in common?
Answer: They are all Republicans.

Japanese Design Robot Kid

Osaka, Japan - A humanoid toddler reacting to touch, sound and visual cues has been created by Japanese scientists. The Child Robot with Biometric Body (CB2) moves, "sees" and "talks" like a real 1-3 year old. The scientists' goal is to "study human recognition development," said Dr. Minoru Asada of Osaka University.

To ensure CB2 resembles its human counterpart, the robot has been programmed to stick its finger into the wall socket, eat from the pet food dish and wave bye-bye when flushing the toilet. Initial success with CB2 was dramatic until there was a puzzling sensor malfunction. After an exhaustive investigation and systems check, scientists discovered a stray diode stuck up its nose.

Dr. Asada said that certain problems with this prototype have been corrected, although further re-programming is needed. "It will be necessary to take CB2 off-line for a couple of days," Dr. Asada said "while we try to figure out how to get him to go to sleep without someone having to read 'One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish' several times each evening."

Vice President Cheney is reported to have expressed great interest in CB2's capabilities. The Vice President contacted Osaka University inquiring if the robot could be made to resemble a real person, taught to cut brush and ride a bike.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Bush Throws Tantrum & Bites Off Rove's Ear

Washington, D.C. - All of Washington is abuzz tonight over the news that President Bush, in a fit of pique over his declining poll numbers, attacked his long time political mastermind, Karl Rove, and bit off his right ear. Apparently, Bush was still smarting over the loss of Congress to the Democrats and all of the investigations that have resulted.

Witnesses tell Assimilated Press that Bush angrily confronted Rove and blamed him for not stopping more Blacks and Native Americans from going to the polls. Rove responded by saying, "But Mr. President, Alberto and I along with the Justice Department and most of the US Attorneys did all we could. We purged thousands of legitimate Democratic voters from the lists of registered voters and intimidated thousands more. There was nothing else we could have done except to station the National Guard at the voting precincts to prevent minorities from casting their ballots and we would have done that but most of them were in Iraq."

It was then that Bush jumped on Rove and tore off his ear with his canine teeth. Three Secret Service agents also suffered minor puncture wounds when they pulled the president off of his political adviser.

One White House aide, speaking anonymously to avoid retribution, said "I've never seen the President this angry before. He's snarling and spitting at everyone. The only person who scares us more is Vice President Cheney.

Rove had a tetanus shot and went back to work later in the day.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 7, 2007

What do Laura Bush, Barney, Joe Lieberman and Lucifer have in common?

Yesterday's DQ: It is January 21, 2009. George W Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are waiting on line at the unemployment office. As their employment counselor what jobs do you suggest?
Answer (thanks to Stogoe, homeland security, and SHOboy): A starring role for all of them in a Three Stooges movie which features Dick Cheney (Moe) as a grave digger, Karl Rove (Larry) as a circus geek, and George W. Bush (Shemp) as a stable boy. Laughs and mayhem aplenty.

Note: Neither Cheney, Rove or Bush have the competence or likability to play Curly.

Republican Party Officially Endorses Treason

Atlanta, Georgia - In a startling development, all ten men vying for the nomination to be the Republican presidential candidate have come out strongly in favor of treason. To a man, every single one has said that Scooter Libby should be pardoned and that they are solidly in favor of outing covert CIA agents for political reasons.

Commenting on the controversial Republican Party position to condone the betrayal of the country for partisan political gain, Rudy Giuliani, one time US Attorney and former mayor of New York, said "Like my fellow candidates, I am a Republican first and an American second. Sure, our national security was severely damaged by Scooter Libby and many innocent lives placed in jeopardy, but we Republicans have to stick together no matter what, even if it means harming the security and welfare of the United States."

All other nine candidates and former Senator Fred Thompson nodded in agreement with Giuliani.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 6, 2007

It is January 21, 2009. George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are
waiting in line at the unemployment office. As their employment
counselor what jobs do you suggest?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Yesterday's DQ: Is Dick Cheney human or was he created in a lab by an evil scientist?
Answer: Cheney was created by Halliburton in an evil plot to take over the country and pillage the treasury. He was not born in Wyoming but conceived in a petri dish in Houston, Texas.

Publisher's note: Great answer kb! There is an astonishing resemblance to Mr. Hyde. Unfortunately, the Bush administration is all Hyde and no Jekyll.

Fox News Anchors To Wear Brown Shirts

New York, New York - In an attempt to standardize their dress policy, Rupert Murdoch has informed all anchors that they are now required to wear brown shirts as an homage to Fox News' ideological underpinnings which have their origin in early twentieth century Europe. In addition, female anchors must be blonde (natural or not), have the latest in breast implant technology and must also report to Murdoch each and every morning for personal inspection.

The new dress code was warmly received by the employees of Fox News who, at their daily pep rally, enthusiastically saluted Murdoch before marching off in unison to carry out their freshly issued orders.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 5, 2007

Is Dick Cheney human or was he created in a lab by an evil scientist?

Yesterday's DQ: Bush doesn't have a brain. Cheney doesn't have a heart. Pelosi doesn't have any guts. Reid doesn't have any balls. What body parts are Hillary
and Obama missing?
Answer (thanks to stogoe): Obama doesn't have the nerves, and Hillary doesn't have the gall (bladder).

Almost Dead White Guys Continue Cross-Country Tour

Denver, Colorado - Like The Who, Death Cab for Cutie and Toad the Wet Sprocket, Almost Dead White Guys have an unusual name. But the songs they sing have a very different sound than current mainstream American tastes. Fresh from their national debut and after the breakup with their former lead singer, George W. Bush, Almost Dead White Guys are still looking for a style of their own that will connect with a larger audience.

With their trademark lapel flag pins and black suits, a nod to their fan base of morticians and casket-makers, the nine member Almost Dead White Guys take the stage, smiling. And they continue to smile throughout their set even though their lyrics are more violent than any gansta rap.

In "Not Movin' Out", a remix of classic Billy Joel, current lead singer John McCain, backed up by the rest of the band, shouts "We're gonna stay forever, yes forever, in Iraq-aq-aq-aq, you oughta know by now. Unless Cheney dies of a heart attack. And, that's where we'll spend all your money."

That was followed by Rudy Giuliani's solo "9/11, 24/7" a fear-mongering ode to citizens' deepest anxieties.

In "Torture 'em, Torture 'em, Then Torture 'em Some More!" Giuliani, Romney, Tancredo, Thompson, Brownback, Huckabee, Hunter and Paul set up a classic "wall of sound" with repetitive vocalizations, that, unfortunately, drowned out McCain.

Almost Dead White Guys plan to continue their cross-country tour, with bookings in most major cities, until the start of Republican presidential primaries. Tickets are available on-line through local RNC headquarters.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 4, 2007

Bush doesn't have a brain. Cheney doesn't have a heart. Pelosi doesn't
have any guts. Reid doesn't have any balls. What body parts are Hillary
and Obama missing?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Yesterday's DQ: What figure in history does George W. Bush most resemble?
Answer: A flying monkey controlled by the Wicked Witch. The Wicked Witch is, of course, Dick Cheney.

Publisher's note: Lots of great responses yesterday and they all work...unfortunately for America and the world.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 3, 2007

What figure in history does George W. Bush most resemble?

Yesterday's DQ: What do you get when you cross Bill O'Reilly with a pile of manure?
Answer: A bigger pile of manure.

Chris Matthews Unseemly Lust For Fred Thompson

Chris Matthews is a man who loves manly men. This predilection has led Matthews to a life-long obsession of bed-hopping from one GOP candidate to the next. His sordid tale of broken love affairs and promiscuous behavior began with his tragic long term romance with George W. Bush in which he once proclaimed, "George W. Bush and his glorious codpiece make me weak in the knees. I love his Texas swagger and his mangled syntax. Al Gore and John Kerry could never make my heart throb the way he does."

Of course, circumstances change and so to do the pitter-patters of Matthews heart as he moves from one paramour to another. After years of abuse and lying by President Bush, Matthews decided it was time for another strong and forceful man in his life and he chose Senator John McCain, a man he called his "own personal straight shooter." However, McCain's violent temper and erratic behavior quickly soured their relationship forcing the despondent television personality into another downward spiral of depression until he met his dream suitor, "America's mayor" Rudy Giuliani.

Giuliani swept Matthews off of his feet as the host of MSNBC's Hardball waxed poetic for weeks on end about the virtues of the newest man in his life. Alas, this love was not meant to be. As with all of his other flames, Matthews infatuation blinded him to the many foibles of the man who stole his heart. Giuliani's betrayal of his family, his many lies and his propensity to make money off of the tragedy of 9/11 all took a toll and finally Matthews was once again left disillusioned and confused, desperately needing a manly man but finding no one on the Republican side to fit the bill.

Finally, just when all seemed hopeless, Fred Thompson, the former senator from Tennessee, ex-lobbyist and television tough guy stepped out of the shadows and Matthews, once again, was in love.

Today's Daily Quiz: June 2, 2007

What do you get when you cross Bill O'Reilly with a pile of manure?

Yesterday's DQ answer: Depends on any given day what the pundits and consultants tell them they should be.

CIA Denies Hiring Hostages

McLean, Virginia - The CIA today denied earlier reports that the agency was hiring hostages to be captured by Iran. "This was a misunderstanding on the part of the press office," said a senior agency official who wished to remain nameless for security reasons. "The CIA is always looking for recruits, fresh blood if you will. But we have no intention of planting hostages in Iran to try to start a war."

Questioned if this was the definitive word on the subject, the official strongly urged that all prior information be disregarded. "We wouldn't do something like planting hostages or fabricating incidents or altering intelligence. That's about as crazy as trying to destabilize Cuba by sprinkling powder in Fidel Castro's shoes to make his beard fall out," the official added, laughing.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: June 1, 2007

House and Senate Democrats: animal, vegetable or mineral?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Yesterday's DQ answer: One was a hoax and the other the missing link.