Years 2000 To 2008 Officially Named 'The Bush Catastrophe'

Washington, D.C. - The International Association of Lexicographers today announced that the period of American history that encompasses the years 2000 through 2008 would henceforth be known as The Bush Catastrophe to signify the tremendous amount of damage to the United States and the world that the Presidency of George W. Bush and the rule of the Republican Party has wrought.

The Bush Catastrophe now joins The McCarthy Era, The Inquisition, and The Dark Ages in the pantheon of lexicography for terms of art regarding the most devastating of calamities to befall a civilization.

Can America Recover From The Bush Era?

Is the national nightmare almost over or is the damage that Bush and the Republican Party have done to America so devastating that the nation is forever damaged beyond all repair?

New York Times Makes Rupert Murdoch Co-Publisher

New York, New York - Continuing its rapid decline from its prominent position as the leading "paper of record" and shortly after its disclosure that it has hired William "The Bloody" Kristol as a columnist, the New York Times announced today that it is bringing in Rupert Murdoch to be co-publisher alongside current publisher Arthur "Pinch" Sulzberger whose main qualification for the position was his relationship to the previous publisher, his father.

Also, in another startling disclosure, Pinch Sulzberger admitted that Murdoch has been his personal mentor for the last six years and during that time has offered him daily advice that included support for disgraced Times' reporter Judy Miller and the Times' now discredited coverage of the Iraq war.

Commenting on the new arrangement at the New York Times and his relationship with Murdoch, Sulzberger said "Rupert Murdoch is my role model and my idol. I love him the way a puppy dog loves its master. I love it when he rubs my belly. All I want to do is lick his face all day long."

There was no comment from Murdoch. However, Assimilated Press has learned that the right-wing tabloid publisher has confided to friends that his blueprint for world domination was going according to plan and may even be ahead of schedule.

Dick Cheney Shoots Santa Claus In Cold Blood

Publisher's note: In honor of Christmas, Assimilated Press is republishing last year's heartwarming classic tale of Santa, private property and the Second Amendment

Washington, D.C. - Santa may be a beloved figure in the hearts and minds of children everywhere but when it comes to the Vice President of the United States he is nothing more than a pesky trespasser deserving of frontier justice. Unfortunately for Santa, he learned the hard way that there are men whose hearts are made of coal and who consider compassion to be a sign of weakness, men who are not nice but naughty.

Santa made his fatal mistake while taking a test run of his sleigh and reindeer in preparation for his annual Christmas trek to deliver gifts to all of the kids in the world who have not pouted or cried. Caught in a sudden blizzard, Santa made an emergency landing at the first clearing he could find. It turns out that it was the front lawn of Vice President Dick Cheney's official Washington residence. Hearing the crash of the sleigh and the sounds of the reindeer, Cheney burst out of the front door with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Seeing the disheveled man, Santa shouted out, "Ho, ho, ho, and a merry Christmas to you."

To which Cheney replied, "You're on private property you gift giving socialist scumbag" before shooting Santa twice, mortally wounding him.

The Vice President then methodically shot Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donder, Blitzen, Cupid and Comet as they remained harnessed to Santa's sleigh. Turning to his wife Lynne, as she walked out of the house in her bathrobe, Cheney said, "Looks like we will be having venison for Christmas."

Is Barack Obama A Lieberman Democrat? (Update)

Why, Barack, why?

Or is he just an opportunistic fool (which may be the same thing as a Lieberman Democrat)?

American Health Care System Commits Murder

This is what heath insurance companies do as they place profits over patients.

And this is where we are heading:

Aspirins For The Sick & Blankets For The Dead

Senator Reid's Offer To Switch Parties Rejected By Republicans

Washington, D.C. - The Republican Party today officially rejected Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's offer to switch parties and become a Republican. This rare offer by a leading member of the opposition party came after Reid told friends that "In my heart, I am a Republican. Every principle that is dear to me is a Republican Party principle. I believe in corporate power over the American citizens. I believe in torturing prisoners and I believe in judges who are far right ideologues with predetermined agendas. What I don't believe in is the Constitution of the United States, and that, my friends, makes me a Republican through and through."

Unfortunately for Senator Reid, Vice President Dick Cheney rejected his offer by saying, "He can do us more good as majority leader than he ever could as just another Republican senator."

Sources from inside Senator Reid's office tell Assimilated Press that the majority leader is disappointed but that he will respect Vice President Cheney's wishes.

Democrats & Republicans Look To East Germany As Model For USA

Washington, D.C. - Democratic leaders today joined the Republicans in endorsing President Bush's transformation of America from a democracy into a police state and pledged their total obedience to the Unitary Executive as He assumes complete control over the citizens of the country.

Citing North Korea as a nation with virtually no crime or disobedience, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid jointly issued the following statement with Senator Orin Hatch of Utah, "In North Korea there is no crime and the population follows all directives and orders from their Leader. This is the type of government that President Bush desires for America and we will do everything in our power to help make his dream a reality."

President Bush, while acknowledging his admiration for the North Korea system of government, said that he and Vice President Cheney also appreciate the old style of governance from the now defunct East Germany where the government had a dossier on everyone. Wistfully musing to himself, the president said, "Perhaps we can combine the best features of North Korea and East Germany into the new Constitution of the United States that is being written for us by John Yoo."

Coming Soon: Important Interview With Top White House Insider

For reasons of security, details of this interview are closely guarded. However, we can tell you that the subject of this interview reveals shocking new revelations that will stun the nation. Stay tuned.

Senator Reid Pledges His Allegiance To President Bush

Washington, D.C. - In a highly unusual move, the ranking member of the opposition party has bowed down on his hands and knees to swear his undying allegiance to President George W. Bush.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "After a weekend at one of the lovely Halliburton Resorts & Spas I have become convinced that Dear Leader is not only always right but that he has been chosen by God, and by that I mean the proper Christian God, our Lord Jesus, to lead our county. Disobedience to Master Bush is a sin and a crime and should not be tolerated. As the Majority Leader, I will follow President Bush and do whatever he tells me to do. I am one with President Bush. I believe in President Bush. I bow down and kiss the feet of Dear Leader and obey his every command. I am one with the Bush."

Senator Reid then said that he would continue to support the president by making sure Bush's agenda passed in Congress and that there would be no real and thorough investigation of the rampant abuse of power and criminality of the executive branch under Mr. Bush.

There was no comment from Reid's Democratic colleagues in the senate. However, Senator Joe Lieberman did express his strong support for the majority leader's statement.

Is America Becoming An East German Theme Park?

Welcome to New East Germany. Make sure your papers are in order and watch what you say.

Senator Harry Reid Sells Soul To Lucifer & George W. Bush

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a small private ceremony in a dark smoke-filled back room in the Capital Building, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid signed a binding contract in which he voluntarily sold his eternal soul to Lucifer and Lucifer's Washington representative, President George W. Bush.

Sources close to Senator Reid have told Assimilated Press that, according to the contract, Reid exchanged his soul for a luxury villa in Argentina, a numbered Swiss bank account and a guarantee that he will live to the ripe old age of 150.

Assimilated Press has also learned that negotiations for this contract have been ongoing since the Democrats took control of Congress and that to show he was acting in good faith, Reid agreed to function during this period before the contract was signed as if it were in full effect which is why every piece of legislation that Lucifer has presented to Congress through his agent, George W. Bush, has passed since the Democrats took control of Congress.

Lucifer is set to celebrate another victory in the next few days when his FISA bill granting amnesty to major telecommunications companies that engaged in criminal acts against the people of the United States and the Constitution is set to pass. This FISA bill with Telecom amnesty was written by other agents of Lucifer including Senator Jay Rockefeller and Vice President Cheney,

In proclaiming his satisfaction with purchasing yet another soul in the nation's capital, Lucifer said, "I've been in the soul buying business for a long time but it still amazes me how quickly these cheap politicians are willing to throw away all of their principles and betray their constituents. And what do they get in return? Usually more power, some pieces of silver, a few whores and a longer life."

Commenting on the deal, Tim Russert of NBC News said, "In signing this contract, Senator Reid joins a long list of prominent people, including myself and several members of the Supreme Court, who have made similar deals. That is why I salute him and say welcome to the team."

Storm in Channel. Continent Cut Off

"Storm in Channel, Continent Cut Off" was the earnest headline of an English newspaper during the heyday of British empire. It reflected the same unconscious assumptions of world supremacy that were mocked in the Delderfield novel, God Was An Englishman.

"The British got their empire by having the peculiar ability of being able to speak without moving either their lips or their hands. They also coped with tropical heat by dressing in several layers of woolen clothing tightly buttoned to the neck, drinking scalding hot tea and briskly walking about in the midday sun. This so amazed the indigenous populace that people hung around gawking trying to figure out how the aliens could speak through their ears and taking bets on when the white guys were going to melt. Then, when an entire nation was watching intently to see who'd win the bet, other Englishmen crept up from behind with a huge net and took over the country."

Recently, I was in a restaurant where several people were discussing vacation plans. "I'd love to go to Europe," someone said, "but it's gotten so expensive." All agreed that where once Europe was a bargain or at least reasonably priced, it now unfortunately had gotten very expensive. "Yeah, that's true," said another diner. "We'll just have to wait until the prices come down," and everyone nodded at the rightness of this thought.

However right that idea might sound, it's still wrong; Europe has not gotten more expensive, America has gotten poorer.

The American dollar has slipped dramatically. In Canada your dollar is now worth about 96 cents. In England it's worth around 45 pennies, just cut your money in half and throw away a little bit extra. Go to any European Union country and your dollar only covers around 70 cents of the price. Under the Bush Administration and our astronomical deficit the country has been mortgaged to the hilt. Foreign investors control enough of our wealth so that should China suddenly call in its debts we'd be bankrupt overnight. If other countries were uneasy and refused to lend us money we'd go broke fast. If they lend less, and less willingly, we'd go broke more slowly but we'd still go broke inevitably. Does this have an impact in the way we conduct our foreign policy? Does this mean that foreign investors representing countries with other cultural ideas and their own plans for world dominance have a greater say in how we live our everyday lives? Do we risk becoming a place where all the big bosses are from somewhere else and an American can only rise so far then no more? A place where a foreign employers attitude towards race or gender or illness or disability will impact hiring practices? Does this mean that America is at risk of becoming a second-class nation, a has-been power?

You bet your life, it does. "Europe has gotten so expensive." Storm in channel. Continent cut off.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Breaking: President Bush Turns Bleach White & Faints

Washington, D.C. - Just a short while ago, President Bush turned white as a ghost, trembled, gasped and then cried before he collapsed to the ground like a bowl of warm Jell-O.

Witnesses report that this event was triggered when the President received a report from his new attorney general stating that the International Tribunal in The Hague does not recognize presidential pardons or amnesty and that there is no statute of limitations for war crimes.

The President's mother, Barbara Bush, is feeding him his favorite eel soup and rubbing Vics VapoRub on his chest. He is expected to recover in time to order the destruction of any remaining incriminating evidence that could be used against him in a court of law.

Questions You Would Like To Ask President Bush

Let's help the cowardly and sycophantic White House press corps and give them some questions to ask Bush or his press secretary. For instance, here is a sample question:

Mr. President, do other countries have the same right as America to waterboard their prisoners and use "enhanced interrogations?"

What question(s) would you like to ask Bush or his press secretary?

Holy See Sued By Pilgrims

Flushing, New York - Two sisters, Regina DiAngelo, 75, and Gloria Maloney, 77, are suing the Holy See, the official jurisdiction of the Vatican, for $30 million for "extreme emotional distress and travel expenditures." Both women recently returned from France after making a pilgrimage to the shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes. Upon arriving back at LaGuardia Airport the two devout Roman Catholics were informed that His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI had just announced that all visitors to Lourdes in calendar year 2008, in addition to being eligible for a chance to win a miracle cure, would receive indulgences to shorten their time in Purgatory.

"You can imagine how I felt," said Mrs. DiAngelo. "I mean, if I had known that going to Lourdes in January rather than going in December would have meant I got an indulgence too, I would have waited a month." Mrs. Maloney felt the same way. "I went to Lourdes for my fallen arches, but I've lived with them this long, I could have lived with them another month."

Both women inquired at their local church, Our Lady of Unrelenting Misery, to see if the indulgence offer was retroactive. They were informed by the diocese that indulgences could not be postdated. Their parish priest suggested that the two women take advantage of the 2008 February indulgence special and pray at a church dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes. But, when Mrs. DiAngelo and Mrs. Maloney investigated they found that the nearest applicable church was in the Bronx.

Mrs. Maloney, who says her feet still bother her, said, "If the Pope thinks I'm going to change buses and take a train to get an indulgence when I've already spent a fortune to go all the way to Lourdes, he's crazy." Mrs. DiAngelo inquired if she could journey to the Bronx and bring back an indulgence for her sister, but was informed that indulgences were not transferrable.

"I'm not going to have my sister sitting around in Purgatory forever without so much as a t.v. just because its hard for her to get to the Bronx. Besides, I saw that church and frankly, they may be lovely people, but I'm not comfortable in that neighborhood, and it gets dark so early in February. The special offer is only good from February 2 through February 14 and my husband's niece is getting married on one weekend and the other one is Valentine's Day and we usually go out to a nice restaurant. We went all the way to Lourdes, we both got terrible diarrhea from that crazy food they have over there and we spent a lot of money to go even though we both are on a fixed income. We shouldn't have to schlep to the Bronx too."

That's when the two women approached attorney Martin Ostrowsky of the law firm, Gettum, Gettum, and Goode about suing the Vatican. The New York State Attorney General has also indicated an interest in this case saying, "The Vatican knew all along that some pilgrims would get shortchanged by going to Lourdes in 4th quarter of 2007. This is deceptive marketing, and that's illegal in New York."

Representatives of the Holy See were not available for comment.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Shortcut Through Purgatory! Right This Way, Folks!

Vatican City, Italy - Pope Benedict XVI has declared that, for a limited time only, an indulgence for a shortcut through purgatory will be available to those who journey to Lourdes, France in honor of the shrine's 150th anniversary. In Catholicism purgatory is the Greyhound Bus Station waiting room to heaven, and an indulgence gets you preferred seating on the first bus out.

This offer, not available in any store, is good for calendar year 2008 only. Vatican air flights to take you to Lourdes will begin this summer and you can book at 1-555-HOLY SMOKE; operators are standing by!

But wait, there's more! For those people unable to fly to France, a special one time offer gets you an indulgence right in the convenience of your own neighborhood! That's right! All you have to do is pray at a site dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes anytime from February 2 through February 14, 2008. That's all you have to do to get on the fast track to God. That's February 2 through February 14 only, so hurry, don't let this opportunity get away!

This offer not available to Lutherans, Baptists, Hindus, Moslems, Jews, pagans and atheists. Not available in all areas. Further restrictions may apply. Direct descendants of priests, nuns, cardinals, bishops and popes not eligible. Check with your local church for details.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

President Bush Urges Kids To Burn Bad Report Cards

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today praised the CIA for destroying evidence of serious crimes committed by both the CIA and the Bush administration. The president then went on to say that there is a long Bush family tradition concerning the obstruction of justice and it is one that he plans to continue.

Speaking to this point, sources within the White House have told Assimilated Press that the Bush family has for years instituted a policy of destroying evidence of their criminal activity while also appointing family friends and employees to lead any investigation against itself, such as the case with George W. Bush's violations of S.E.C. regulations, the disappearance of his national guard records which showed desertion and the use of cocaine, the role Neil Bush played in the savings and loan debacle, and the coverup of illegal activity by the president's father in the Iran-Contra scandal.

While praising the CIA for its role in war crimes and their coverup, the president went further and suggested that children use this episode as an example. "All of you kids out there, I want you to learn from what the CIA has done. From now on, when you get a bad report card and you don't want your parents to know that you aren't so good at this learning thing, just burn the damn report card and your problems are over. Hell, that's what I always did."

Sean Penn On Post-Democratic America

Piano Wire Puppeteers: The Constitution, Media & Dennis Kucinich

International Court Expanding To Make Room For Bush Officials

The Hague, Netherlands - Officials of the International War Crimes Tribunal announced today that plans are in place to increase the ability of the Tribunal to house and process the large influx of inmates they expect to receive when members of the Bush administration are charged and extradited for numerous violations of international law including many provisions of the Geneva Conventions which relate to torture and the treatment of prisoners.

Chief Prosecutor of the Tribunal Jurgen Laenen said that "unlike the Bush administration we will follow all international laws. President Bush, Vice President Cheney and other members of the Bush administration will find that they will be humanely housed in eight by ten foot cells where they will have access to attorneys and a public trial. They will not be waterboarded or tortured in any other way because that is the mark of criminals in totalitarian regimes and has no bearing in any system that claims to be just."

There was no immediate reaction from the White House to this announcement.

Lie & Destroy All Evidence

Lie and destroy all evidence is the motto of the Bush administration and Republican Party. Hey, it's worked for them so far.

C.I.A. Destroyed Tapes of Interrogations

Bush To Run In '08 Says Cheney

Washington, D.C. - Vice President Cheney speaking today before the Heritage Freedom From Islamofacism and the Enemies of Tax Cuts Foundation said that President Bush is considering running during the coming 2008 presidential election.

Mr. Cheney said "As you all know, our system of government currently does not allow a President to fill more than two terms. This restriction on the Executive was never the intent of the Founders, and as former Attorney General Ashcroft reminded us 'The Constitution is not a suicide pact.' America must keep pace with the other nations of the world. We can not be left behind in the race for leadership."

Citing the recent examples of elections in Pakistan and Russia, Mr. Cheney said, "President Musharraf, one of America's best allies, recently sacrificed his role as general to be able to serve the people of Pakistan. No doubt President Musharraf wanted to stay General Musarraf; no doubt he wanted to stay in the job he loved so much. But he felt his country needed him and him alone, so General Musharraf made the sacrifice to become President Musharraf."

"President Putin, a man whose soul our own president has seen, is poised to become Prime Minister of Russia. Mr. Putin has managed democracy, freedom and truth like no other during his many years as Russia's president. Certainly no one in Russia deserves to give it a rest more than he does. But President Putin has bravely determined that no matter what the cost he will lead his nation as long as he possibly can."

"There will always be those sunshine patriots who will say 'I've done my part, let somebody else do the hard work; it's not my job anymore.' But a true patriot, a true lover of his country understands that the work is never done, that the hard jobs are still out there and that somebody has to do them. That's why President George W. Bush needs to continue on being our president. As much as he and Laura would like to go home to the ranch and relax, he knows that his country needs him. He is willing to make that personal sacrifice. He is willing to do the hard job. He is willing to serve. That's why we, as patriotic Americans, need to clear the petty obstacles out of his way. That's why we, as people who love America, need to allow him to continue as the leader of the best country in the world; so that America can stay the best country in the world, today, tomorrow and always. God bless you. God bless America."

The vice president's remarks were punctuated by frequent applause from the audience culminating in a sustained standing ovation.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Justice Scalia Is Exxon Mobil's Employee Of The Year

For the second straight year, Exxon Mobil, the world's largest oil company, presented Supreme Court Justice Anton Scalia with it's venerated Employee of the Year Award. In addition to a beautiful solid gold statue of an oil derrick, Scalia will also receive four million dollars in a secret Swiss bank account and the continuing use of the Exxon Mobil corporate jet for free vacations for his entire family to the destination of his choosing.

In accepting his award, Scalia said, "I am gratified to once again be recognized as employee of the year by a company that has supported me in every way possible. That is why I have pledged my complete allegiance to Exxon Mobil and have sworn to protect it against all enemies, foreign and domestic."

Previous winners of Exxon Mobil's Employee of the year Award include President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and the entire editorial board of the Wall Street Journal.

Are You Discontented? Don't Play With Matches

New York, New York - New York City fire officials have been trained to look for people who may express "hatred" of America or "discontent" with American policy. Fire officials, without needing any warrant of any kind may enter a home to check for potential fire code violations. If, in their opinion, the occupant is expressing "hatred" of America or "discontent" with American policy, fire personnel will then alert a Homeland Security agent. Nothing, of course, prevents disgruntled fire personnel with a grudge against the occupant or with a thirst for attention from supplying a little 'evidence' of their own prior to leaving the premises, especially in rental units where access can be gained via the owner without the current occupant's knowledge or consent.

What, exactly, is "discontent"? Would a verbal "I hate that bastard Bush" count? How about a notation on a wall calendar for the time and date of a peace rally? A Code Pink shirt hanging in the closet? Does a voodoo doll with Cheney's face occasion further scrutiny? What about a picture of Bush on a dart board? What about a printout of this blog?

This New York City experiment in Stasi-like informants was evidently so pleasing to its bureaucratic masterminds that similar programs will be sprouting up like noxious weeds in major cities across the country. With time the spores from these weeds will drift to towns and villages in every state. If you haven't yet stopped smoking, this might be a good time to quit.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Republicans Have Beautiful Minds

According to a new Gallup Poll, Republicans have better mental health. Of course, this is self-reported mental health, not mental health as assessed by others, such as fellow citizens, family members and medical experts.

Barbara Bush, wife of one president and mother of another, fits the mental health profile of the survey. When asked on ABC's Good Morning America on March 18, 2003 about the government censorship of photos of flag-draped coffins of American service personnel she replied, "Why should we hear about body bags and deaths. Oh, I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

Mrs. Bush was also quoted when touring a Houston shelter filled with evacuees from Hurricane Katrina as saying that so many of the people temporarily housed en masse without privacy or personal possessions in the sports arena "...were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

Former Senator Rick Santorum, who voted to give himself a pay raise while in Congress and has a personal worth in the millions, once vetoed welfare reform for mothers with young children with the comment that a little bit of struggle is sometimes a good thing. He also has a beautiful mind that he is now using to full advantage addressing auditoriums during Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week. According to its promoters "the week of October 22-26, 2007, the nation will be rocked by the biggest conservative campus protest ever with Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week!" That seismic activity you felt just before Halloween wasn't tectonic plates shifting, it was Young Republicans now beyond all bearing up, up, up and into nowhere, suddenly, scaldingly, holdingly all nowhere gone and time absolutely still and they were all there, time having stopped and they felt the earth move out and away from under them.

Yes, it is true - Republicans are happier than the rest of us. They have a firm sense of right and wrong (they're right, you're wrong) without the worry of nuance or any need for reconsideration when faced with bothersome facts and they know that they may be sinners in the hands of an angry God, yet they are also completely firm in their belief that they are saved and will one day have residence in the gated community called Heaven.

As for the rest of us, all the non-Republicans? Frank Rich wrote recently in The New York Times, "We are a people in clinical depression. Americans know that the ideals that once set our nation apart from the world have been vandalized, and no matter which party they belong to, they do not see a restoration anytime soon." According to this Gallup Poll, Frank Rich was being optimistic because the Republicans, it seems, are not downhearted at all.

There once was a piece of doggerel that went "See the happy moron, he doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron; My God, perhaps I am!" It must be the Republican theme song.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Federal Prosecutors Subpoena Santa

Washington, D.C. - Federal prosecutors today subpoenaed Santa Claus to gain access to a list the toy distributor allegedly has been keeping for calendar year 2007. Marcia Funebre, Justice Department spokesperson, said that the list could prove valuable in the ongoing War on Terror. "To our knowledge this is a list that details who has been naughty and who has been nice. This list will prove invaluable in locating sleeper cells of anti-social behavior which threaten the safety of America."

An attorney for Mr. Claus, Tucker Yap, disputes the need of the government to have this list. "This is a private list from a philanthropic agency," said Mr. Yap, "Although we are vigilant in double-verifying the names and actions on the list we can not vouch for its complete accuracy. It should not be used as evidence of wrong-doing."

The ACLU has filed suit alleging that governmental view of the list is a violation of freedom of speech. The Justice Department has countered that if Mr. Claus does not comply in turning over the list to the government the DOJ would consider barring Mr. Claus' toy-distribution activities under the interstate commerce statutes.

"Naughtiness is a short step from evil-doing," cautioned Dana Perillo, White House Press Liaison," Naughtiness is a gateway to far worse actions. A person doesn't suddenly wake up evil. It starts small, and we need to locate these enemies of America before they have chance to do us harm."

Asked if indications of extreme naughtiness, such as blowing up small helpless animals, would occasion further governmental actions against the perpetrators, Ms. Perillo replied, "All options are on the table."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko