Saturday, March 31, 2007

Supreme Court Honors Benito Mussolini

Washington, D.C. - The United States Supreme Court led by Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy, today took an unscheduled holiday and attended a special service in order to honor the memory of Benito Mussolini who the five justices called the embodiment of what a leader should be. Throughout the event they were glowing in their praise of the man known as Il Duce referring to him as the person in history they most admire.

Speaking for all five justices, Antonin Scalia said, "Benito Mussolini is never far from our thoughts as justices of the Supreme Court. He guides every decision we make as though he were watching over our shoulders. Still, our goal of creating an America in the image of Mussolini has been difficult. Fortunately, when we installed Dick Cheney and George W. Bush in the White House we advanced this cause greatly but we still have a long way to go."

At the conclusion of the Mussolini memorial service all five justices were flown on one of Exxon Mobil's corporate jets for a fun filled holiday in Aruba where the corporate giant rewarded them for being Exxon Mobil's employees of the year.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Senator Lieberman's Plan For Victory In Iraq

Washington, D.C. - Senator Joe Lieberman today announced his new plan for victory in Iraq. It is based on his recent decision to alternate the seats for Republicans and Democrats in the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee which he chairs. Previously, as with all other committees in Congress, the Republicans all sat on one side and the Democrats on the other. Lieberman said this change in his committee was made in order to reduce partisanship and increase cooperation. Now, he believes it can be used as a blueprint for victory in Iraq.

Said Lieberman, "If we can find a way to get the Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, insurgents and American troops all together and arrange the chairs so they are all sitting side by side instead of glaring at each other from across the room I am sure we can achieve substantial progress. If we bring in coffee and Krispy Kremes for everyone to share then I am sure that a spirit of collegiality will emerge which will quickly lead to total victory."

When told of Senator Lieberman's plan, General Dave Petraeus laughed and then said, "The senator from Connecticut must be sharing a medicine cabinet with Rush Limbaugh."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons For Sadomasochists Opening Soon

New York, New York - Rupert Murdoch, Chairman of News Corp, the parent company of the Fox Broadcasting and Fox News Channel, announced today that his corporation would be opening a chain of torture salons across the nation that will cater to both sadomasochists and masochists. They will be called Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons and will feature the latest in physical and emotional pain inducing devices including waterboarding stations, electrical shock units and special harnesses where patrons can hang from the ceiling by their genitalia.

Said Murdoch, "Our hit show 24 has shown us that the American public has an endless appetite for torture fantasies. So, it is with great satisfaction that we are able to bring our Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons to locations all across our great nation where these fantasies can be fulfilled on a very personal basis. Or course, we also expect it to produce a healthy profit for our shareholders."

Actor Kiefer Sutherland who plays the fictional Jack Bauer added to Murdoch's statement by saying, "I am very proud to be part of this great show and extremely happy that viewers will now get to experience the thrill that Jack Bauer feels every week when he reduces strong men into babbling babies within minutes. These new facilities will bring our show to life and provide a meeting place where like-minded individuals will go to have their torture fantasies met, kind of like a social club for people who get off on torturing or being tortured."

All patrons of Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons must be over 18 and agree to sign a liability waiver that will protect News Corp in case of accidental death resulting from their recreational use of torture.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Bush Repeals Emancipation Proclamation & 15th Amendment

Washington, D.C. - In the latest move by the Republican Party to prevent Black voters from participating in elections, President Bush today announced that he had repealed both the Emancipation Proclamation and the Fifteenth Amendment by signing an executive order that had been authored by his chief political adviser, Karl Rove. The repeal is slated to take effect shortly before the 2008 presidential and congressional elections.

Speaking about his latest plan to prevent minorities from casting their votes, Karl Rove said "The Republican Party has long been opposed to allowing Blacks and other minorities to vote. In the past we have put in place obstacles and used intimidation to prevent large numbers of them from voting. With this executive order we have removed a major problem to our goal of a permanent Republican majority."

After Rove spoke, President Bush then added his own comment by saying, "America was created by God with the idea bein' that only white landowners would be able to vote. If that's what God and the Foundin' Fathers wanted, then that's what we are going to have."

Weighing in on the issue several hours later, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said, "What the President stated earlier today is a fact. The doctrine of Original Intent, which I strongly believe in, states that only white landowners can vote. That is why I stopped the recount in the Florida 2000 presidential election. I wasn't about to let a few thousand Black voters decide who the next president of the United States was going to be. That decision had to be in the hands of a rich white landowner like me."

Sources inside the White House have told Assimilated Press that the next group of citizens to be disenfranchised will be women when Bush repeals the Nineteenth Amendment .

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Bush's US Attorneys Involved In Massive Criminal Conspiracy

Washington, D.C. - US Attorneys who preserved their jobs by following the political diktats of President Bush, Karl Rove, and Alberto Gonzales and thus escaped the purge at the Justice Department are now starting to lawyer up in anticipation of being charged with multiple felonies. Sources inside the Justice Department are telling Assimilated Press that there is a sense of doom and panic among the US Attorneys who are now starting to realize that they should have placed loyalty to the Constitution over loyalty to George W. Bush and the Republican Party.

These developments come on the heels of growing evidence that shows that virtually all serving US Attorneys are guilty of conspiratorial actions that were aimed at interfering with the rights of Blacks and other minorities to vote. Specifically, these US Attorneys are accused of using intimidation and bogus fraud investigations for the sole purpose of preventing minority citizens who are overwhelmingly Democratic from voting. These actions are a clear violation of multiple civil rights acts and the 15th Amendment. US Attorneys who are used to harassing Democratic voters may now find themselves facing hard time in federal penitentiaries.

Said one US Attorney who wished to remain anonymous, "We were just being loyal Bushies and doing what Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales and the President instructed us to do. We were told to do everything we could to prevent Blacks and other minorities from voting. We knew we wouldn't be touched as long as the Republicans controlled Congress. Unfortunately for us, that all changed in November and now our crimes against the Constitution and the country are being exposed. It isn't fair. All we wanted was our paychecks and job security. Who cares if thousands of Black citizens are kept from voting, certainly not the President, Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales. Why should we US Attorneys take the fall. We were only following orders and being good Republicans."

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Bambi's Mother Killed By Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

Washington, D.C. - The CIA today stated that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the al Qaeda mastermind, has confessed to several more major national crimes. Previously, while being repeatedly waterboarded at a secret CIA prison, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed had confessed to 31 different plots, amounting to almost all terrorist activity against the United States since 1990. Among his confessions was the admission of plotting the destruction of a company that was formed in 2006. Since K.S. Mohammed has been in CIA custody since 2003, these 2006 plots demonstrate the utmost in fiendish cunning.

Today, after after another round of waterboarding, K.S. Mohammed added to his catalog of crimes by confessing to complicity in the new Medicare Prescription Drug Law, inflated housing prices in San Francisco, the introduction of hemorrhoids to America, and most shocking of all, the killing of Bambi's mother.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, March 23, 2007

Washington Press Corps Searching For Missing Testicles

Washington, D.C. - Police departments in Washington, D.C. and the surrounding area today received an all points bulletin alerting them to be on the lookout for a duffel bag containing dozens of testicles that have allegedly been stolen from the Washington Press Corps. The testicles have been missing for over six years and their owners have put out an urgent request for their retrieval.

Speaking for the entire Washington Press Corps, Terry Moran of ABC News said, "We in the press have always been able to live with the shame of being complete shills for the Bush administration and the Republican Party because the money and perks have been so good. But, now that we have been exposed as hacks without any sense of ethics, the humiliation is too great. I want my balls back. We all want our balls back."

Law enforcement officials, in an attempt to get the public to aid in their search for the missing testicles, have announced that they are on the lookout for an overweight bald man wearing glasses who was spotted at the scene of the crime carrying a duffel bag with the monogrammed initials KR. This suspect is presumed to be dangerous and should be approached with caution.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

If Rove Testifies In A Forest And No One Hears Him...

Washington, D.C. - Fred Fielding sent a letter to Congress today outlining the terms under which the White House agrees Karl Rove, the President's top aide, will testify regarding the recent firing of eight US federal attorneys. In the letter, Mr. Fielding proposes that Mr. Rove's testimony be restricted to e-mails potentially involving the White House in the US attorney firing matter, in a closed door session, with government legal representation and Mr. Rove's personal representation if desired. The session would be conducted without administering an oath, no transcripts will be allowed, and this testimony will be in exchange for a Congressional promise of no subpoenas for Mr. Rove in the future.

In addition, Mr. Rove will only testify in front of people suffering severe short-term memory loss due to long term abuse of OxyContin. These drug addicts will not be released from confinement for a minimum of two weeks following the testimony. Mr. Fielding also insisted that all witnesses to the testimony must be legally deaf, blind, and unable to understand English in either written or spoken form. OxyContin addicts who meet these requirements and who also have a rapidly progressing fatal disease will be acceptable to the White House.

"Of course," wrote Mr. Fielding, "no questions will be put to Mr. Rove by any of the panelists. The location, date and time of the testimony will be classified and sealed for perpetuity, and the White House will neither confirm or deny the testimony itself has taken place."

Mr. Fielding closed the letter to Congressional members by saying he trusts these terms are adequate.

A senior Administration official said that there is some room for negotiation as Mr. Rove would also be amenable to testifying at an unspecified time in an undisclosed location to an assortment of small woodland creatures that had been cleared by White House security.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Bush Interview Pt. 2: Coming Soon!

In part 2 of the Bush interview the President talks about Laura's infidelity with Vice President Cheney, his disappointment in the American people, and his goal of one day finishing My Pet Goat.

Monday, March 19, 2007

A 2nd Rate Burglary Happens A 2nd, 3rd & 4th Time Around

Minneapolis, Minnesota - American thieves declared themselves extremely embarrassed by the recent string of burglaries at three Democratic Party headquarters in three different states over the course of a few days. During the weekend of March 17-18, both the Minnesota and the New Hampshire Democratic Party headquarters were forcibly entered and robbed. The Ohio headquarters had been burglarized a few days prior.

In each robbery only selected items used by ranking personnel were taken. In Minnesota the laptop of the communications director was the only thing stolen although other laptops and equipment were in the same area. In Ohio only the laptop and a communications device used by the state party chairman was missing while other laptops and devices were left untouched. While the New Hampshire headquarters did not release particulars of the burglary, initial reports indicate only specific items were missing, seemingly consistent with the burglaries in Minnesota and Ohio.

Jesse J. Tucker, head of Felons R Us, has issued a statement disavowing any knowledge or connection to the break-ins, saying the burglaries were not the work of regular thieves. Asked how he knew the thieves weren't habitual burglars Mr. Tucker said "In each case only one laptop or some communications gadget was taken. I mean, what self-respecting thief would go to the trouble of breaking into a building to take just one laptop when there are so many other laptops sitting there in plain sight practically begging to be scooped up?"

Mr. Tucker further explained, "It's not like laptops are big and heavy. If you can take one, you can take ten. And why take just one BlackBerry or cell phone when you can fit a whole bunch in your pockets? The whole point of a smash-and-grab is to grab as much as you can."

"These guys who break into a place and then take just one lousy laptop are impostors. They're not real, genuine guys on the street," complained Mr. Tucker. "But some people are going to say 'Just a routine burglary, folks, nothing to see here, move along' and blame it on us. That's downright humiliating."

Mr. Tucker admitted he was somewhat discouraged about the robberies. "Amateurs," he sighed, shaking his head. "Forget about checking the pawnshops and fences," he advised. "Follow the money."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Fox News Viewers Too Stupid To Switch Channels

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - A recent scientific study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University that probed the television habits of Fox News viewers has come to the conclusion that Fox News is first in ratings among the cable news networks for the simple reason that Fox News viewers lack the basic intelligence required to use the remote controls or off switches of their television sets.

Among the observations recorded by the researchers were the astounding facts that Fox News viewers were confused by the numerical designation of channels and that they were prone to sudden violent outbursts. Moreover, the study showed that those few Fox News viewers who had the basic intelligence to operate a television set and were capable of switching channels, refused to do so because they believe that Satan controls all of the other channels.

Said Dr. Holden K. Peterson of Carnegie Mellon University, "To say we were surprised at the results would be an understatement. In most of these homes the television sets are never off. There are pork rinds, potato chips and chicken bones all over their stained sculpted carpets. It is really a very disturbing site. Many of these people haven't left their homes in years and our researchers were the first human contact they have had in a very long time."

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Federalist Society Infection Spreads To US Attorneys

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned that in spite of the escalating scandal over the US Attorneys terminated for failing to use their positions to illegally further the consolidation of power into the hands of the Republican Party, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales today bragged to close friends that he had accomplished his goal and that the plan that he, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and President Bush had concocted was already too advanced to stop.

Sources in the Justice Department and White House have leaked details of the plan to Assimilated Press. The plan was straight forward, simple and depended entirely on having a Republican Congress in control for the last six years during which time the White House and Justice Department were able to operate without any oversight as they put in place political operatives from the Federalist Society in virtually all of the most powerful and sensitive positions in government, including the federal courts and US Attorney's Office.

Said Gonzoles to his closest associates, "Did you ever see the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Well, that's what we've done. The pods are in place and no one can stop us now."

To reflect the changes in the Justice Department, the new motto of the US Attorney's Office is "All hail the Republican Party. They are our masters and we are at their service."

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Cigarettes Now Fortified With Zinc

Raleigh, North Carolina - PepsiCo and Coca Cola, in an effort to regain some of the fizz in their market shares lost to bottled waters, have both announced that they will soon be selling sodas with vitamins and minerals. "This is a wonderful way for consumers to incorporate health into their routine without any sacrifices," claims Dr. Milton Ostrowsky of the Center For Misleading Consumer Advertising, a division of the Cavity, Cancer and Cholesterol Association, "What's better than eating junk food with vitamins?"

In keeping with this new trend, Virginia Slims cigarettes will soon be available fortified with zinc and other trace elements as Virginia Slims, Fit and Healthy. Kandy Korn, that Halloween staple of pure sugar, starch, unpronounceable chemicals and food coloring, will appear on the shelves this October as Kandy Korn with Kumquats, offering 0.005 pct of the daily requirements for Vitamin C. Various brands of deep fried pork rinds will contain all sorts of newly injected goodness with niacin, iron, potassium and a trace of copper. Twinkies and Little Debby Snack Cakes will have generous helpings of anticoagulants to prevent heart attacks and strokes. Miller Lite beer will contain folic acid to aid in healthy fetal development, while Budweiser goes herbal with rose hips, "Putting the 'bud' in Budweiser!" And, crack cocaine will soon come in broccoli, tomato and tofu, fortified with thiamine, calcium and just a touch of plutonium.

"Eat! Drink! Enjoy!" said Dr. Ostrowsky, "It's good for you!"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Cheney Renounces America & Becomes Citizen Of Dubai

Dubai, United Arab Emirates - In a move that surprised every one except his closest associates, Vice President Dick Cheney today renounced his American citizenship and said that at the conclusion of his term as vice president he would be following his current employer, Halliburton, as they move to Dubai in an attempt to avoid a newly empowered Democratic Congress and escape criminal proceedings for defrauding the United States of America in bogus contracts worth billions of dollars. Said Cheney, "I have been a loyal employee of Halliburton for many years. Now that I have been placed in the position where I am forced to choose between the country I was born in and the company that has given me great wealth, I have decided to choose Halliburton."

Highly placed sources in the White House have told Assimilated Press that Cheney has privately confided to the President that this move will enable him to escape both subpoenas from the Democratic Congress and trial at the International Court in The Hague. Following his conversation with the Vice President, President Bush instructed his aides to look for a nice little patch of land in Dubai where he can settle down after he leaves the White House.

Monday, March 12, 2007

D.C. Court Of Appeals Declares Constitution Null & Void

Washington, D.C. - Judges hand selected by former Attorney General Ed Meese today officially declared that the Constitution of the United States is null and void and that from this date on legal decisions will be made by decrees which will emanate from a three judge panel in Washington, D.C. In addition, they announced that Democrats, minorities and proponents of civil liberties will be excluded from any input in the formulation of these governing decrees since the Washington, D.C. Court of Appeals has revoked their rights of citizenship effective immediately. In keeping with this decision, the aforementioned groups will be required to surrender their passports within the next thirty days.

Leading this radical change from a constitutional government of laws to an authoritarian one-party state ruled by decree are right-wing judges and Republican stalwarts, Laurence Silberman, David Sentelle and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. Working in tandem with Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, they have decided unilaterally that the Republican Party would be better served by a Soviet style system rather than a Jeffersonian democracy. The three judge panel that will rule by decree is, of course, composed of Silberman, Sentelle, and Scalia.

Remarking on the change in government from a democracy to authoritarian rule, Judges Silberman, Sentelle and Scalia released the following statement, "Democracy is a flawed governing policy that empowered our political opponents and hindered the ability of the Republican Party to take complete and unfettered control of the levers of power and decision making in America. Today, we have corrected this mistake that was made by our Founding Fathers by replacing their inefficient and much too inclusive form of government with one where decisions are made quickly without any messy input from ordinary citizens who only slow down the process and get in our way."

Sunday, March 11, 2007

No To Abortion And Yes To ROTC For Fetuses

Atlanta, Georgia - Zell Miller, the current Republican and former Democrat, who gave the keynote address at the 2004 Republican National convention, has stated that if it weren't for abortion we'd have more soldiers available to die in Iraq.

Arguing that abortion has made a serious dent in the breeding-for-cannon-fodder needs of America, Miller lamented that if only we had let more embryos live we would now be able to ship them off to die at the age of 18, in a national installment plan of deferred death.

Miller also blamed abortion for the presence of illegal immigrants in the country, since all social, political and economic conditions in Oaxaca and Tijuana obviously stem from abortions in Oshkosh and Toledo.

The religious right enthusiastically embraced Miller's clear articulation of abortion as being the root cause of all major American domestic and foreign policy failures. Said one Miller admirer, "If there really was such a thing as global warming, it is certain it would be caused by abortion."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, March 10, 2007

White House Outsources Outrage

Washington, D.C. - Consistent with the Bush administration's emphasis on the benefits of the free marketplace over government action, Assimilated Press has confirmed that outrage, along with several other emotions, has been outsourced to private contractors.

Per a senior administration official, outrage has been outsourced to a company in India. The Mumbai firm will handle all outrage regarding the Scooter Libby trial revelations and deplorable conditions at army hospitals for the White House. An affiliated firm, in Bangalore, will handle impatience at the slow pace of New Orleans revitalization.

A Hong Kong company is handling sincere regret regarding the invasion of Iraq. Shanghai won the contract for baffled bewilderment at the conduct of Vice President Cheney, while a company in Malaysia is handling genuinely honest apology, deep contrition and a sense of shame.

A small start-up in Australia was awarded the contract for sleepless nights beset by anguish at causing great suffering. Rage at mismanagement, ineptitude and lies is being handled by a consortium in the Netherlands.

According to the same administration official, outsourcing all valid emotions regarding current conditions in America will free administration staff to cut brush, ride bikes, exercise and get on with their lives.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, March 09, 2007

Washington Post Comes Out In Favor Of Treason

Washington, D.C. - In a startling editorial released shortly after the conviction of Scooter Libby on four counts of perjury and obstruction of justice relating to the crime of exposing a CIA agent and in the process destroying an entire intelligence gathering network, the Washington Post has stated that perjury, obstruction of justice and even treason are acceptable as long as they are committed by Republicans.

In explaining their pro-perjury, pro-treason position, Washington Post managing editor Fred Hiatt had this to say, "Look, we supported the neocons when they lied us into the war in Iraq. We have been solidly pro-war and pro-Bush every step of the way regardless of the facts. We have also used our paper and in particular our editorial pages to demonize and smear any and all critics of the Bush administration and the war in Iraq. Given this history, I don't see how anyone can expect the Washington Post to act responsibly, fairly and with integrity at this point. That is why we have come out in favor of perjury, obstruction of justice and even treason as it relates specifically to Scooter Libby and more generally to the entire Bush administration. Of course, if we were taking about a Democrat having consensual sex in the White House, that would be an entirely different matter and something we would strongly condemn."

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Joe Lieberman's Family Hires Cult Deprogrammer

Hartford, Connecticut - After enduring several years of his increasingly erratic behavior, members of Senator Joe Lieberman's immediate family took the drastic step of hiring a cult deprogrammer in a desperate attempt to extricate him from his strange and overpowering embrace of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney. Initial indications regarding the success of this deprogramming effort are not encouraging.

Professional deprogrammer, Eliot Adams, after spending twelve straight days with Lieberman locked in a hotel suite in a Washington, D.C. Ramada Inn, emerged shaken and with little hope of success. Said Adams, "The man is a machine. I've deprogrammed Moonies, devil worshipers and CĂ©line Dion fans but never ever anyone as far gone as Joe Lieberman."

Adams continued, "The problem is that the indoctrination by the Republican Party has been too strong for him to overcome. Like any powerful cult, the Republicans used classic brainwashing techniques to get Lieberman to surrender his soul to their cause. They kept him isolated from his family and friends for weeks. They fed him a diet high in starches and low in protein. They constantly played audio tapes of Vice President Dick Cheney's numerous appearances at the Heritage Foundation. And, perhaps most damaging of all, he was surrounded by William Bennett and Sean Hannity for days at a time as they repeatedly told him that Democrats are the spawn of Satan. I'm afraid the man is a lost cause. The people of Connecticut are just going to have to get used to the idea that they elected an incurable cultist to the senate and will have to learn to live with their mistake."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Scooter Libby Gets His Own Show At Fox News

Washington, D.C. - Convicted felon Scooter Libby has been hired by Fox News to host a new game show immediately following Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. The show is called I Beg Your Pardon and the premise is simple. On every show a group of Republican congressmen or senators who have been convicted of one or more serious felonies involving an abuse of power or betrayal of their oath of office will publicly plead for a full presidential pardon from President Bush.

Contestants will be judged on their presentation, showmanship and, most important of all, loyalty to President Bush and the Republican Party. At the end of each show, the contestant who impresses the panel of judges the most will be rewarded with a full presidential pardon and a lucrative book deal from one of Rupert Murdoch's publishing companies.

The panel of judges will be made up of Republican Party stalwarts Ann Coulter, James Dobson, Geraldo Rivera and, of course, Vice President Dick Cheney.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Attorney General Gonzales Says Soviet System Model For America

Washington, D.C. - Commenting on the recent rash of US Attorneys fired because of their failure to follow Bush administration guidelines that explicitly state that only Democrats are to be prosecuted and that all political prosecution cases should be timed for maximum political advantage, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales struck back at critics in defense of these politically motivated terminations.

Said Gonzales, "Our instructions to these fired US Attorneys was very clear. Under no circumstances were they to investigate or prosecute Republicans, especially Republican senators and congressman. Despite these orders Carol Lam from San Diego exposed a giant network of corrupt Republican officials who were taking bribes in exchange for their influence in Washington. Furthermore, David Iglesias in New Mexico refused to bow to pressure from Senator Pete Domenici and Congresswoman Heather Wilson to time an indictment to benefit the Republican Party in the last election. This shameful conduct by these US Attorneys was repeated by at least 6 other US Attorneys who have also been fired and replaced by faithful Republicans who are willing to follow our guidelines without question."

Gonzales continued, "When we in the Bush administration seized power, we realized we only had a short time to remake the country in our image. One of our first decisions was to replace the American system of justice with something more in tune with our style of governing, a system that would serve to benefit our party structure and make Republicans the dominant force in America for generations to come. Together with Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and President Bush, we decided that the old Soviet Union offered us the perfect model for maintaining power, that is, complete secrecy, intimidation, and prosecution of political opponents. Fortunately, we have confidence that the remaining US Attorneys are all onboard with this policy now that we have removed the heretics who refused to show their obedience to the party."

Monday, March 05, 2007

Mary Cheney Says "Bill Clinton Is My Baby's Daddy"

Reston, Virginia - A tearful Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Cheney and an avowed lesbian, announced today that she is pregnant with former president Bill Clinton's child.

"I saw what happened to Dannielyn after Anna Nicole died, with everybody fighting over that poor little baby and no one knowing who the father is," said Ms. Cheney, "and I thought 'If anything happens to me, that could be my child."

"I know how hard it is to be gay in this society and I want my child to have an easier life," explained Ms. Cheney. "I'm gay and I worried that if the father might be gay too this child would never have a chance for a normal life, a Republican life. Choosing anyone from the Christian Coalition or the Republican National Committee to be the father was just too big a risk."

"You can say what you want about Bill Clinton," added Ms. Cheney with a shrug, "But God knows that man is straight."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Wounded GI Attacked By Yellow Ribbons

Washington, D.C. - Private First Class John Tucker, an out-patient at Walter Reed Medical Center, was in stable condition yesterday after being attacked by masses of magnetized bumper stickers.

According to bystanders, hundreds of magnets in the shape of yellow ribbons, each bearing the words "Support Our Troops," flew off the bumpers of SUVs and Hummers and struck the soldier. The incident occurred as Private Tucker was passing by the parking lot of the National Heritage Foundation.

Doctors at Walter Reed said that in addition to attending to Private Tucker's new wounds, they will redouble their efforts to schedule him for surgery to remove the shrapnel he received in Iraq.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Clarence Thomas To Star In Porno Film With Ann Coulter

Sherman Oaks, California - Following the enormous success of her first pornographic film, The Devil in Miss Coulter, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter has signed a contract with Rupert Murdoch and 20th Century Fox to make another full length triple-x extravaganza. Also, in a surprising casting decision that is designed to appeal to her deeply conservative base of fans that made her first film such a smash hit, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has agreed to costar with Ms. Coulter in exchange for a lucrative contract that is said to be in seven figures.

The title of the film is Two Ho's and production is expected to start in May.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Uncharted Land Discovered East Of Texas

Austin, Texas - A group of University of Texas college students who got off the beaten track while on their way to an early spring break in Panama City, Florida made a momentous discovery that redefines the boundaries of the United States.

The students stumbled upon a land mass east of Texas, south of Arkansas and west of Mississippi, bordered by the Gulf of Mexico. The area shows signs of having once been inhabited, but also shows evidence of having been under a great deal of water. Archaeologists flown to the site by helicopter detect a once flourishing civilization that they believe was cataclysmically destroyed by a huge flood.

The earliest artifacts uncovered suggest that this ancient civilization was called "Nawlins" by its former inhabitants.

At a press conference, President Bush was asked his opinion on the discovery of Nawlins. "Where?" replied Mr. Bush, "Never heard of it."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Bush Twins To Replace U.S. Attorneys In New Mexico & San Diego

Washington, D.C. - In a surprise move, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has decided to replace two of the U.S. attorneys fired earlier this year for political reasons with the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara. Jenna will replace the U.S. Attorney in New Mexico, David Iglesias, who was fired at the behest of Senator Pete Domenici and Congresswoman Heather Wilson because he refused to use his office illegally to benefit the Republican Party in the 2006 election despite pressure from both Domenici and Wilson. The other twin, Barbara, will replace US Attorney Carol Lam from San Diego who Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales decided was much too effective in prosecuting corrupt officials who were overwhelmingly members of the Republican Party.

In announcing this decision, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "I am aware that neither of the Bush twins are attorneys or have any experience with the law other than some minor underage drinking violations. However, we view that as a plus. As we have seen in New Mexico and San Diego, too much experience, professionalism and integrity can get in the way of our true mission which is to consolidate power for the Republican Party."

There was no word from either of the twins although a White House spokesperson said they would be available for comment when they returned from a Girls Gone Wild convention in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico sometime in April.