Monday, April 30, 2007

Supreme Court Rules Male Fetus Can Vote

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court, in a 5 to 4 decision, declared that a male fetus has the right to vote. Justices Thomas, Scalia, Alito, Kennedy and Chief Justice Roberts signed the majority opinion. The ruling would also allow a male fetus to own property, drive a car, and carry a handgun.

When Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg began to present a dissenting opinion, Justice Kennedy interrupted her, saying "Now, Ruthie, don't get all worked up. It's not good for your health."

The five Justices who signed the majority opinion then took turns patting Justice Ginsburg on the head and asking her what was for dinner.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, April 28, 2007

George Tenet Says "Slam Dunk" Statement Just Part Of The Game

Washington, D.C. - George Tenet, former director of the CIA, states in his new book that the phrase he is most famous for, "slam dunk," was taken out of context. Mr. Tenet used the basketball term, "slam dunk," prior to the invasion of Iraq to describe the ease with which the US could win the conflict.

"I did use 'slam dunk'," Mr. Tenet explained, "but I meant after a rebound, or maybe a bank shot or two. I knew there would be some blocking by the insurgent team. I knew there would be some technical fouls. I figured there'd be a little elbowing, you know? But then, after that, later in the game, it would be a 'slam dunk'."

When asked about his support for the president's equally famous "mission accomplished" statement of May 2, 2003, four years ago, Mr. Tenet shrugged. "Sometimes you go into overtime. It happens."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, April 27, 2007

Bush Saves Puppy By Stopping Runaway Truck With Bare Hands

Washington, D.C. - In a story that is sure to boost his sagging political fortunes and rock bottom poll numbers, White House press secretary Dana Perino today released news of the President's heroic actions earlier this morning that averted a heart-wrenching tragedy on the streets of the Capital.

Confirming reports that were first brought to the attention of the public by Fox News and the Washington Post, Perino informed the assembled press corps that "while the President was jogging this morning he noticed a little brown and white puppy dog stuck in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue. Because the President is a kind man who loves puppies and small children he went to help the little fella but as he got closer he saw that an out-of-control truck was quickly heading toward the hapless canine. Reacting decisively and with the courage we have all come to expect of the President, he jumped in front of the truck and with his tremendous power was able to bring it to a complete stop just inches from the harmless and adorable puppy."

Media reaction to the story was swift. Brit Hume of Fox News declared that "With this simple act of bravery the President has won back the American people."

Terry Moran of ABC said, "People love puppies and they love people who save puppies even more. This is a glorious day for President Bush and the United States of America."

David Broder of the Washington Post remarked, "Tonight, one little puppy is safe and an entire nation rejoices. Thank you, President Bush."

Also weighing in was Chris Matthews of MSNBC who said "This act of courage and strength by President Bush is reminiscent of the time he swam across the Yangtze River."

In a statement released later in the day, the White House said that the little puppy has been named Victory and would soon be sent to Iraq where he would serve as a mascot in the Green Zone.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

David Broder Builds Shrine To Bush In Attic

Washington, D.C. - David Broder of the Washington Post acknowledged tonight that reports that he has built a shrine to President George W. Bush in his attic are accurate and that he frequently holds ceremonies where he and other Washington insiders declare their undying allegiance to the President while parading nude and banging soup pots with ladles.

Said the so-called Dean of the Washington Press corps, "OK, you got me. It's true. Deep in my heart I have developed an unnatural love for Bush and the Republican Party that defies logic and can only be described as a fixation bordering on the pathological. I know that this has turned my reporting into nothing more than sycophantic propaganda but I am not the only one with this affliction. The town is filled with people like me who were once considered serious journalists and now find themselves little more than stenographers to the rich and powerful."

Highly placed sources who have witnessed some the of the rituals have told Assimilated Press that frequent visitors to these gatherings include Tim Russert, Bill O'Reilly, Chris Matthews, Terry Moran, and Fred Hiatt along with many, many others.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Justice Department To End Discrimination Against White Voters

Washington, D.C. - The United States Department of Justice today announced a new voting rights initiative put into effect by an executive order signed by President Bush at the behest of political adviser Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. This initiative is meant to ensure that White voters are not discriminated against by having to wait in lengthy lines before they cast their votes. Said Gonzales, "The President and Karl Rove feel that for too long White voters have had too many obstacles to overcome and have had to face undue hardships in order to cast their ballots. This executive order will guarantee that White voters will never again be discriminated against."

Under the terms of this bold new policy, every voting location will be required to have at least one express line for White voters. If, for any reason whatsoever, the express line exceeds three White voters, then any additional White Voters who arrive will be allowed to go directly to the front of the other lines no matter how many nonWhite people are waiting. According to the executive order, the decision of what officially defines a voter as White will be decided on the precinct level by the head of the local chapter of the Republican Party.

Chief Justice Roberts of the Supreme Court along with Justices Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy issued a press release shortly after this policy was introduced in which they stated, "We five judges of the High Court stand in support of ending the insidious discrimination against White Voters and hereby declare that this new initiative by the President will pass constitutional muster."

Commenting on this new policy, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said, "Wow, that's great! I think I just won Florida, New York, California and half of the other states in the country."

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Republican Party Officially Classified As Cult

Washington, D.C. - The American Psychiatric Association today officially listed the Republican Party as a cultist organization and said that membership in the Republican Party constituted a psychological disorder requiring immediate treatment.

Dr. Frederick T. Collins, one of the world's most renowned psychiatrists and recognized leader in the field of human deviant behavior, commented on this groundbreaking decision by saying, "The American Psychiatric Association had no choice but to list the Republican Party as a cultist group because they fit the profile perfectly. Members of this cult accept the diktats of their leaders without question. They disregard inconvenient facts and believe outlandish stories that even an eight year old child would laugh at. They even have their own system of reinforcement called the Fox News Channel where their fantasies and extremism are constantly fed by a steady stream of misinformation that includes the character assassination of their opponents. We have seen this behavior in other countries at various times in history and the outcome is never good."

The American Psychiatric Association advises all members of the Republican Party to seek professional help from mental health experts as soon as possible.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Washington Post & Wall Street Journal Merge Editorial Boards

Washington, D.C. - In a move that is designed to save money while also showing their close ideological connection, the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal have merged their editorial boards into a single organization that will be jointly led by editors Fred Hiatt and Paul Gigot.

Speaking to their assembled staffs, Fred Hiatt said, "Both the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal editorial boards have endorsed, promoted and sold the Iraq war to the American public and that's not all. We have been with President Bush and Vice President Cheney every step of the way. We have also attacked and forcefully rejected any individual with a view that does not agree with us and the president. In other words, our two papers are fellow travelers united in the goal of aiding President Bush and the Republican Party as they march toward their vision of a post-democratic America."

Commenting about the close personal bonds between Hiatt and Gigot that made this merger possible, Washington Post gossip columnist Sally Quinn said, "When one speaks, the other finishes the sentence. It's just adorable, and now they are going to carry that same chemistry over to their editorial pages. It's a match made in neocon heaven."

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Scalia Says To American Women "Your Womb Is Mine"

Washington, D.C. - Antonin Scalia and his four fellow male justices went to Hooters yesterday to celebrate the first big step in accomplishing their long held dream of overturning the right of women to make their own medical decisions in consultation with their doctors. Said Scalia after his fourth rusty nail, "It's a scientific fact that women have a much smaller brain than men. They are simply incapable of making such an important decision. You wouldn't let a dog off of its leash if you thought it might run into the street. Well, my colleagues and I are not going to let women casually sin against the Bible...I mean, we are not going to let them violate the Constitution as we see it."

The usually silent Clarence Thomas jubilantly chimed in, "When we stopped the votes of Black people from being counted in Florida and appointed Bush president, this is what we had in mind. Once we found out we could get away with that we knew we could get away with anything."

The court's newest member Justice Alito then remarked with a mischievous grin, "Today, it's one medical procedure. Next year it will be ten. The year after that it will be all of them. Then, we will stop the evil of contraceptives, end heresy and throw evolution out of the schools so we can put prayer back in. America, get ready. The Republican Party, George W. Bush, and we five mighty men of the Supreme Court are just getting started."

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Newspapers Go To Forever News Format

New York, New York - The American Association of Newspaper Editors announced today that all daily newspapers will soon follow a forever news format. "The US Postal Service is going to a 'forever' stamp that will be good forever, even if the price goes up years from now," said "Stet" Tucker, president of the association. "We felt a similar idea could be used in the print media to bolster current sales and give the industry a much-need infusion of ready capital."

A forever news daily paper would cost more, but this increased cost would be offset by the consumer rereading the same issue on a daily basis. "I feel that we, as print professionals, can distill our daily coverage into a durable, standardized product," explained Mr. Tucker. “It’s just a matter of using sturdier paper stock and indelible ink.”

Under the new forever guidelines national coverage will consist of the ever-widening administration scandal, multimillion military cost overruns, continuing calls for increased Congressional bipartisanship, and a feature article with photos on the plight of the nation's poor. International forever news will concentrate on conflict in the Middle East, the economic growth of Asia, European attitudes towards the pervasiveness of American pop culture, and starvation in Africa.

Forever weather news will have a few lines about the cold snap in southern California, the unseasonably warm temperatures in Minnesota, and the hurricane forming offshore in the Gulf Coast. There will be a photo of an adorable three-year old in San Diego wearing mittens while looking wide-eyed at an icicle, a photo of an adorable three year old in St. Cloud wearing a swimsuit while happily running through a lawn sprinkler, and a weather map showing heavy rains headed towards Florida.

In the forever sports section, a football player is accused of rape, a baseball player admits to using drugs, and the Knicks still stink. There is a photo of Tiger Woods. Forever comics will include “Nancy,” a strip that has existed since the invention of papyrus and in all that time still hasn’t figured out how to be funny. The forever advice column will consist of “Heartbroken” being reminded that honesty is important in any relationship, and “Outraged” being told that in-laws are a fact of married life so deal with it. And, of course, the celebrity section will feature the many on and off again relationships of Brad Pitt.

For the opinion columns, the conservatives will bemoan the lack of patriotism and family values. The liberal columnists will fume about being called unpatriotic and explain that families are not all the same. All columnists of all political persuasions will contribute a column about the first petals of Spring and/or the opening of the baseball season in which each columnist dwells briefly on the deeper, mystical cycle of life while recalling a vanished America that never existed outside of Norman Rockwell paintings.

The forever editorial page will call for much-needed bipartisanship (see “national news”). The forever Letters to the Editor will have two letters criticizing the president, two letters supporting the president, and one letter complaining that people don’t return their shopping carts to the correct place in the parking lot, and that this laziness and lack of civic responsibility creates dangerous driving conditions that the letter writer experienced on a personal basis just this past Thursday.

Forever local news will vary by newspaper but the concept will remain the same. The Miami Herald will have an interview with community leaders discussing Cuba. The Cincinnati Enquirer will have a photo retrospective on Pete Rose. The Boston Globe will highlight state office political shenanigans. The San Francisco Chronicle will devote a page to housing in the Bay Area. Each newspaper will have a photograph of somebody presenting somebody else with a plaque, while other people look on. There will be a banquet table in the background.

"I guarantee that if you were to read a 'regular' newspaper and then read a 'forever' newspaper, you'd never know the difference," said Mr. Tucker. "We are fully confident that reading the same stories every day in the forever news will keep you just as informed as you've always been."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Chris Matthews No Longer Swooning Over W

New York, New York - Chris Matthews love affair with George W. Bush is over. The MSNBC host of Hardball today publicly declared that his fawning infatuation with the President has ended and that he was wrong to invest so much emotionally in this troubled relationship. Said Matthews, "You know, when I saw him strutting on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln wearing that glorious codpiece I just lost my mind. He looked so forceful, so manly, so in charge. Hell, at that moment, I would have left my wife if Bush asked me to."

Unfortunately, many great love affairs are doomed to end in acrimony and failure. It was true with Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter, Laura Bush and Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman and Barbara Bush, and now it is so with Chris Matthews and the man he longingly referred to as "my commander-in-chief."

Said Matthews, "It was a classic abusive relationship. I gave him my unquestioning loyalty and forgave him every time he lied to me. Fortunately, the new love of my life, Rudy Giuliani, stepped in to rescue me before I debased myself any further. Rudy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he also happens to look great in an evening gown."

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Justice Department Seeks Pardon From Bush

Washington, D.C. - The Justice Department today officially asked President Bush for a full and complete pardon for all criminal actions it has committed since the beginning of the Bush administration. The request covers Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his entire staff as well as all current US Attorneys. No specific crimes are cited. However, a long list of possible violations are mentioned which include obstruction of justice, perjury, violation of civil rights, violation of several voting rights acts, fraud, battery, and murder in the first, second and third degree.

This request for a blanket pardon covering an entire department and not an individual has never before taken place and critics have questioned its constitutionality. However, an opinion in support of the pardon submitted by Attorney General Gonzales and a team that included the best legal minds at Regent University stated that the pardon request covering hundreds of employees at the Justice Department was completely within the law. As a legal basis for this opinion they quoted John 16:24 from the New Testament which says "Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." Gonzales also stated that the employment of 150 Regent University graduates in the Justice Department had no influence on their opinion.

In an unrelated story, reports are coming in from the Regent University campus in Virginia Beach, Virginia, that the water in the creek that runs through the university has turned blood red, frogs are clogging the roadways, vast swarms of gnats have blocked the sun, and festering boils are appearing on the students and faculty of Regent University at an alarming rate. No explanation for these strange occurrences has been given.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Paulie Walnuts Makes Dick Cheney His Bitch

Lodi, New Jersey - In the final season of the HBO hit series, The Sopranos, Paulie Walnuts makes Vice President Dick Cheney an offer he can't refuse as he tries to save the family's business interests.

The episode, entitled "Bad for Business", starts out with Tony telling Christopher that Karl Rove is bad for business because Tony feels Rove is responsible for all the security at Kennedy Airport which is making it difficult for Tony's crime family to smuggle goods into the country.

Tony tells Christopher that Karl Rove is "a real bulldog" who won't give up on "all this security shit" because "he has to make Bush look good for his bosses in the Halliburton family." Tony further instructs Christopher to take Paulie with him to D.C. to find Rove and take care of him.

Christopher and Paulie journey to Washington, D.C. En route, Christopher tells Paulie that "Tony wants us to take care of this bulldog named Rover who's always hanging around the bushes." Paulie expresses some reservations about the wisdom of Tony's request, but decides to obey.

At the President's press conference denouncing the Democratic war appropriations bill, Paulie sees a man lurking in the bushes. Believing this man to be Rover's owner, Paulie accosts him, yelling, "Where's the fuckin' dog, dickhead?" As Cheney begins to shout for the Secret Service, Paulie slaps him and says, "I want the fuckin' dog! Where is the fuckin' dog?" Cheney, terrified, replies "There is no dog, just me. Please don't hurt me."

"No dog! No dog!" yells Paulie. "Do you know who you're messin' with, pal. Now, I'm gonna have to get tough with you." Paulie then orders the Vice President to take off his clothes and bark while he crawls naked on his hands and knees. Fearing for his safety, Cheney follows Paulie's commands.

"You don't look like no fuckin' bulldog to me," said Paulie. "You look more like a fuckin' bald Cockapoo. Now, are you gonna tell me where Rover is?"

"Rover? You want Rover?" said Cheney. "He's over there sitting behind the President."

As Paulie turned to look at the group assembled for the press conference, Cheney quickly scurried off on all fours screaming for help. The startled White House press core and cadre of secret service agents looked at the nude man crawling in front of them and didn't know whether to go to his aid or laugh.

In the confusion, Christopher and Paulie flee to The National Mall where they wander around the Lincoln Memorial for hours looking in vain for any signs of stores and a food court.

Finally, Tony comes to DC and rescues Christopher and Paulie from a tour bus filled with senior congregants from Our Lady of Sorrows, Lodi, New Jersey, where the two had taken refuge after following the scent of the passengers' salami sandwiches.

As the episode ends, Karl Rove is seen going into the West Wing unawares that he has escaped Tony's wrath. Meanwhile, Carmella orders new drapes for the living room even though Meadow says she dislikes the color.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Oops! White House Accidentally Deletes Constitution

Washington, D.C. - White House spokesperson Dana Perino announced today that, due to a innocent misunderstanding, the Constitution of the United States was deleted along with all of the White House e-mails hosted on Republican Party servers. This apparently included every document that was requested by the Congressional committees investigating the US Attorney purge.

Said Perino, "It seems the Constitution somehow got caught up in all of the deletions and all copies seem to have been lost along with e-mails belonging to Karl Rove and the entire White House staff. However, I want to assure the American people that Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove are putting together a new Constitution written by the best legal minds from Regent University. This new improved Constitution will immediately replace the old deleted one which had become outdated and quaint."

Shortly after Perino's statement, a smiling Karl Rove greeted reporters as he emerged from the White House by saying, "I have the Supreme Court. I have the media. I have endless funding from Exxon Mobil and Halliburton. No one can touch me, no one!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Guantanamo Confession Clears Gonzales In US Attorney Purge

Washington, D.C. - The Justice Department, in a surprise announcement, today stated that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed had confessed to firing the 8 US Attorneys who are at the crux of the latest scandal to plague the Bush administration. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed also said that he was responsible for replacing them with inexperienced cronies culled from Pat Robertson's fourth tier Regent University. In addition, he said that he acted alone and did not consult with Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove or anyone else in the administration.

Shortly after the confession was released by the Justice Department, White House spokesperson Dana Perino said, "Now that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has confessed to firing the US Attorneys, we consider the matter closed. There is no need for any further testimony or documents from officials in the Justice Department or White House."

When Perino was asked whether or not Khalid Shaikh Mohammed would be allowed to testify before Congress, she replied, "I'm afraid that is no longer possible. It seems that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed accidentally bit off his tongue while brushing his teeth shortly after he made his confession. He won't be talking to anyone anymore."

Monday, April 09, 2007

Supreme Court To Put Another Dick In White House

Washington, D.C. - At the behest of Antonin Scalia, Chief Justice John Roberts has scheduled a meeting of the five most conservative justices for early next week in which they will select the next president of the United States.

Sources inside the Supreme Court have told Assimilated Press that the decision will surprise the public as none of the currently announced candidates are held in high esteem by the justices. Rudy Giuliani is seen as not being sufficiently anti-choice although Clarence Thomas did say that the former mayor of New York is better looking than Ann Coulter when dressed in drag and that he wouldn't toss him out of bed on a lonely night. For his part, John McCain is considered by the justices to be a politician without any core principles who couldn't even sell manure to barn full of hungry flies. And, it is a strongly held view that Mitt Romney simply can't be trusted because he doesn't believe in the same Jesus as the five most conservative members of the court.

Of course, all of the Democratic candidates are out of the question as the majority of the court has already made it clear in their Bush versus Gore decision that America is a Republican nation that relies on the literal interpretation of biblical law for guidance. As Justice Antonin Scalia is found of saying, "When I speak of the concept of Original Intent, I do not refer to the original intent of the Founding Fathers but rather the original intent of God as written in the Bible and interpreted by us five holy men in robes."

So, don't be shocked, when early next week, Justices Roberts, Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy select their favorite Republican, Dick Cheney, as the next President of the United States. In following recent precedent, Cheney will take the oath of office after the next presidential election but before all of the votes are counted

Saturday, April 07, 2007

England Discovers New Use For American Dollars

London, England - The British have found a new and innovative use for the American dollar. With an approximate 0.47 exchange rate for the American dollar to the British pound sterling, American dollars have surged in popularity and are in great demand in England for sealing the cracks in the walls of windy old castles.

Economists are also predicting that in 2008, when the reign of George the 43rd is finally over, the value of American currency will have plummeted to the point where it will be economically feasible to use stacks of American greenbacks as building blocks for ecologically designed compost bins.

Fortunately, people in England are quite understanding and kind to current American travelers. As one shopkeeper consoled this reporter, "There, there - we used to be a world leader once also and being a second-rate nation takes some getting used to. Give it a bit of time and pretty soon you'll practically forget you ever were a superpower."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, April 06, 2007

Big Brother Thinks Those Pants Make You Look Fat

London, England - British Home Secretary John Reid announced that "talking" closed circuit television cameras soon will be installed across England. While over 4 million cameras are already in England, posted at every major intersection and every few kilometers along larger highways, the currently existing cameras only silently record license plates and the identities of passersby.

New cameras will be equipped with loudspeakers. These talking cameras will allow operators to reprimand instantly, and very publicly, those violating the Blair government's new "respect agenda." The respect agenda is meant to deter littering, vandalism and anti-social behavior.

Secretary Reid's office has been interviewing potential operators for the new interactive audiovisual surveillance system.

"Obviously," said Secretary Reid, "one looks for an operator with a sense of respect for the public. Someone shouting 'Oi, fatso! Get your bloody mitts off the shrubbery!' simply will not do. We are in need of operators with a measure of decorum, a firm grasp of civic virtue, and a good eye for acceptable behavior and appropriate attire."

Bureaucrats have devised helpful phrases to be used by the operators when issuing these public reprimands. Examples of government-approved reprimands are: "Pick that up! Were you born in a barn?", "No, no, luv, mustn't touch", "Naughty, naughty!", and "I can't believe you are wearing that ridiculous outfit. You look like a clown on crack."

In the United States, former Attorney General John Ashcroft has expressed interest in the British interactive monitoring cameras. Mr. Ashcroft is rumored to be in negotiations with the State Department, the Department of Justice, the Bureau of Land Management and the American Hospital Association to provide similar equipment for widespread American use.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Washington Post Blames Satan For Its History Of Lies

Washington, D.C. - In a brief statement released earlier today, Fred Hiatt of the Washington Post blamed Satan for what he called the Post's "shameful and irrational behavior during the entire course of the Bush presidency and the Iraq war." This strange acknowledgment of the role the Washington Post played in convincing a skeptical nation to go to war was triggered by the unauthorized leak of confidential memos from the Post's editorial board which showed that reporters and columnists from the Washington Post knowingly lied to the American public when they uncritically printed White House and Republican Party press releases under their own bylines and without any opposing viewpoints.

Said Hiatt, "I know that the many lies written in the Washington Post over the last six years have led to an unjust war that has killed hundreds of thousands of people and that our actions at the Post have helped to create a climate that has damaged the very foundation of our constitutional democracy. What can I say? The devil made us do it."

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Bush's EPA Says Not Enough Mercury & Lead In Air

Washington, D.C. - Political appointees in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) have eliminated all regulations restricting the quantity of mercury and lead that is allowed into the air through industrial pollution. This significant departure from the EPA's accepted charter of protecting the environment was adapted at the behest of several industrial giants such as Exxon Mobil and their lobbyists who have been working out of an annex to the White House built just outside of the Oval Office.

In announcing this decision, EPA Administrator Stephen L. Johnson said, "We have made the calculation that 410 thousand Americans will die prematurely because of the increased amounts of mercury and lead in the air and that many millions more will suffer debilitating diseases such as emphysema and asthma. However, we, in the Bush administration, believe that this is a small price to pay for increased profits and greater shareholder return."

In a related development, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that all restrictions on the maximum allowable amount of rat feces permitted in cereal products has been eliminated. This decision was based on a highly classified and top secret evaluation by the FDA that determined that rat feces could be considered a valuable nutritional supplement for growing children.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

TIME Magazine & Republican Party Admit to Sharing Offices & Staff

Washington, D.C. - TIME Magazine today admitted that they share both offices and staff with the Republican Party. Acknowledging that this unusual arrangement does have an influence on their reporting, TIME nevertheless insisted that the deal was too good for them to refuse.

TIME Managing Editor Rick Stengel commenting on their close association with the Republican Party said, "Look, it's not about journalism. It's never been about journalism. It's about making money and creating a cheap product we can shovel into the public trough of the marketplace without upsetting our advertisers or corporate masters who are overwhelmingly Republican. A dog doesn't bite the hand that is buttering its bread, or something like that. You know what I mean."

Jay Carney, TIME’s Washington Bureau Chief, added his thoughts on the matter by saying, "Yeah, we share offices with the Republican Party and use their people for most of our research. Hell, they even write stories for us. So what? It saves us a lot of time and money. Just today, I was able to go home early and take a nap because one of Karl Rove's assistants was considerate enough to write a story for me on how Hillary Clinton wears boxer shorts. All I had to do was put my name on it and poof, it was done. How could we refuse that kind of help."

In an related development, the Washington Post today announced that they will be terminating the majority of their staff who will then be replaced by interns supplied by the National Association of College Republicans and Pat Robertson's Regent University.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Katie Couric Thinks Cotton Candy Is Mined In W. Virginia

New York, New York - Katie Couric may be the anchor of CBS Evening News and she may even think that her long stint as a chatty morning personality on NBC's Today Show made her a journalist but she will always be closer to Gracie Allen than Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite.

In Couric's latest attempt to prove her worth as a real reporter she filed a story about terrorists infiltrating America disguised as circus clowns. On location with a traveling circus in Upstate New York, Couric began her story on live television smoothly and with no apparent mishaps. She talked about the ease with which terrorists can easily mask their identities by simply purchasing a big red nose, floppy shoes and baggy pants. She continued by saying that sources inside the Justice Department had told her that confessions from detainees in Guantanamo had supplied evidence that Al-Qaeda had infiltrated the United States with an army of circus clowns who can be activated at any given moment to inflict great harm on the country.

At this point, Katie should have left well enough alone. Instead, she deviated to talk about the American love affair with circuses and how we shouldn't let a few hundred terrorist clowns ruin that enjoyment, even though they do pose a serious risk and that the Constitution may have to be suspended while the nation fights this new menace. Then, she continued by saying that even though America no longer leads the world in manufacturing, technology, textiles or moral leadership, the country will always have enough cotton candy for our own domestic needs as well as those of the entire world.

In closing her story Couric said, "When I was little, my daddy used to take me to the circus. Every time he bought me a cotton candy cone he would tell me how all of the cotton candy in the world came from one source and one source only, a small cotton candy mine outside of Wheeling, West Virginia where they worked day and night to excavate enough cotton candy to meet the world's demand. That is as true today as it was then and it is why America will always be the greatest nation on the face of the earth."

On a related note, polls taken after the broadcast showed that 78 percent of the American public now believe that cotton candy comes from a mine in West Virginia.