Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Fred Thompson Seen Holding Baby In Ronald Reagan Movie

Stockholm, Sweden - A Swedish computer analyst has discovered that if a reverse print of the Ronald Reagan movie Knute Rockne, All American is super-imposed on top of the original print an image that resembles Fred Thompson appears holding what some say is a football, but others say is a baby.

Art Historian Marcia Funebre of The Cato Institute Museum of Perfectly Normal and Not Pervy Art believes that the image is not a fluke. "Yes, that is definitely Fred Thompson sitting to the right of Ronald Reagan and to the left of Pat O'Brien," said Professor Funebre, "And, no, I do not think Fred Thompson is holding a football. I very clearly see a baby wrapped in a blanket."

The interpretation of the movie has long fascinated scholars with many feeling that the Ronald Reagan movie has a deep symbolism pointing to much more than an ordinary Hollywood tale.

"There is an entire set of hidden messages in Knute Rockne," explained Prof. Funebre, "Looking at this movie, many people have seen the ghost of Calvin Coolidge ("The business of America is business") hovering over Ronnie's right shoulder. This shows that The Gipper was the chosen one, scion of the American Gilded-Age."

Asked about the significance of the Fred Thompson image, Prof Funebre replied, "This is a clear indication that Fred Thompson has been anointed. The baby can be interpreted as both the future of the Republican Party and the future of America. It shows beyond a doubt Fred Thompson has been blessed and is the heir of the conservative philosophy, the one, true faith."

In a related story, a sound technician in Nebraska has reported that if the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner are played backwards the words "Jesus says: 'Vote GOP', Jesus says: 'Vote GOP' " can be heard repeatedly over the phrase "the bombs bursting in air."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Monday, July 30, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 30, 2007

What do sexual orientation, trade union membership and racial background have to do with terrorism?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: What relationship does White House press secretary Tony Snow have with the truth?
Answer: GeorgiaBlue and stogoe both had winning answers. Click here to read them.

Airlines Want To Know Which Team You Play On

Washington, D.C. - The United States and European Union countries have agreed to expanded security and data sharing on passengers on US-bound flights. US airlines have already supplied the US government with the names, birth dates, credit card information, home addresses, phones, e-mail, flight and hotel itineraries of passengers on US domestic flights. Even requests for bed size and smoking preference is available for data-mining. But, now, much more information will be gathered on US citizens who travel to Europe.

If the information exists in the airlines' data system, under the new agreement, both US and European airlines will also supply racial or ethnic origin, political opinions, religious or philosophical beliefs, trade union membership status, health information, information about traveling partners, and sexual orientation.

Under this agreement Washington will retain this data and while Washington would supposedly use this data only under circumstances "where the life of a data subject or of others could be imperiled or seriously impaired" the immediate question that arises is: how would the airlines even get this information in the first place?

Will you now go to the airport in London for a return flight and in addition to being asked if your baggage has been in your control the entire time, will you also be asked "Catherine Zeta-Jones, or Tom Jones? Halle Berry, or Chuck Berry? Lindsay Lohan, or Liberace? Marge, or Homer?" Will this give fresh meaning to the question, "Do you have anything to declare?"

Will Paris airport security agents hold earnest conversations with you about Rousseau? Will we be forced to state a choice between Kant and Schopenhauer?

How about health information? What shall we answer to "Hello, how are you?" Is the simple, "Fine, thanks" sufficient? Do pre-existing conditions, such as sore feet, tiredness and a headache from waiting in line while other people are asked their feelings about Socrates count? Would having had surgery make you more or less likely to destroy America? Who is more dangerous: the person who had gallstones, or the person who had kidney stones? That's a toughie. How about colon polyps, like Bush, or a pacemaker, like Cheney?

There will be those who will make the argument that someone with a history of serious mental illness poses a greater risk than someone without. This sounds reasonable until you realize that both Bush and Cheney claim they are in perfect mental heath, which leads to the further realization that the people with the worst mental illnesses deny they have any problem and avoid seeking treatment. Someone who is aware he has a problem is also aware that the medical condition needs to be handled. If the airlines or the airport security agents are looking at the names of medications, only those travelers with a history of mental illness who are in-control and aware will be listed in the database. The truly delusional and truly deranged will not be noted.

What's the "right answer" to a question about religious beliefs? Would you rather fly home with an American Muslim, or would you rather fly home with an American Evangelical Christian? Who is praying harder for Armageddon?

Trade union membership is surely a gold-mine of information in the fight against terrorists. The UAW? Hmm.......anyone who knows how to install windshield wipers.....

Racial background is an excellent way to predict terrorist tendencies. Condi Rice, Colin Powell and Clarence Thomas are good examples that people of color vote conservative, so it must be whites and Asians who we have to watch out for.

And, of course, political opinions are always an indicator of violence. People who believe in the law, who believe in checks and balances, who feel that invading other countries without provocation is morally troubling, who feel that abandoning New Orleans is morally reprehensible, who feel that everyone has a right to worship, or not, as he or she pleases, who don't see the phrase "unitary executive" anywhere in the Constitution, who believe that government should be of the people, by the people and for the people, well, those people have subversive ideas and you just never know when one of them, sitting back there in economy with his knees up his nose, might suddenly have a "hate our freedoms" moment.

The American government, with the assistance of European governments and businesses, will now be maintaining a database on all air travelers, including American citizens who are completely innocent of any plans, or even thoughts, regarding violence. The government will add to that database every time an American buys a ticket to get on a plane in Europe to return home. The database will be stored for a minimum of 15 years, assuming the deadline isn't extended.

Fly the friendly skies.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Vice President Cheney Orders Invasion Of Congress

Washington, D.C. - In a last ditch effort to stave off embarrassing investigations and possible criminal prosecution, President George W. Bush appointed Vice President Dick Cheney to act as commander of all military forces in the United States.

Cheney, dressed in a quasi-military costume designed by his friend Ted Nugent, immediately seized the initiative by ordering a raid on Congress which he declared enemy territory infiltrated by elements of al Qaeda. Overwhelmingly outnumbered, Democratic senators and representatives valiantly fought off wave after wave of attacks until they were ultimately betrayed by Senator Joe Lieberman who showed Cheney's troops a secret passage into the building from which they were able to mount a surprise attack and defeat the Democratic defenders who were then led out of the Capital building in chains.

Most media outlets quickly voiced their support for the decisive action taken by the president and vice president. In particular, the Washington Post in an editorial written by Fred Hiatt stated that, "By invading Congress, President Bush and Vice President Cheney are telling the world that they won't let Democrats or democracy stand in the way of victory. We salute such firm resolve and praise both Bush and Cheney for their masterful leadership."

Several hours after the invasion of Congress, Supreme Court Justices Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy were seen with Bush and Cheney celebrating the defeat of congressional Democrats over several pitchers of margueritas at their favorite restaurant, Hooters.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 27, 2007

What relationship does White House press secretary Tony Snow have with the truth?

Previous DQ: Will the Supreme Court and the United States military support a declaration of martial law from President Bush or Vice President Cheney?
Answer: Once again, too many good answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

Rules For Living In Post-Democratic America

The following is a list of rules released by the White House to help American citizens cope with the day-to-day realities of life in post-democratic America.

1. Make sure your papers are in order and that your membership dues in the Republican Party are current.

2. Never speak the President's name in vain.

3. Report all disloyal family members and friends to your local Republican Party precinct commander.

4. Always have a portrait of the President hanging next to the American flag in a prominent location in your home.

5. Remember that the government is wise and all knowing and that you should trust it the way a child trusts his parents.

6. Be a good consumer for consumerism is next to godliness.

7. Never stay out after curfew unless you have special dispensation from your local Republican Party precinct commander.

8. Do not look government officials directly in the eye and bow in their presence to show your obedience and respect.

9. Begin every morning by reciting your allegiance to the President.

10. Never question any official government edict or authority.

By following these simple rules you will be on your way to a happy and productive life as a citizen of the United States of America version 2.0.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 25, 2007

Will the Supreme Court and the United States military support a declaration of martial law from President Bush or Vice President Cheney?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Breaking: Joe Lieberman says that "Democrats are evil and smell bad"

Senator Lieberman also says that "martial law is a good idea that will help to keep Democrats and other deviants from harming the country."

Updates as they become available.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Bush Declares Martial Law on (fill in date & time)

America (previously known as the land of the free and home of the brave) - In preparation for the eventual declaration of martial law that is widely expected sometime before January 2009, the Bush administration recently released an executive order in which President Bush gave himself the power to seize the assets of any American citizen he feels is interfering with his policy in Iraq. This asset seizure includes bank accounts, property and all personal belongings.

With this latest unprecedented maneuver to silence critics and keep allies in line, Bush has alarmed even die hard conservative Republicans such as Bruce Fein and Paul Craig Roberts who feel all but certain that, in an attempt to maintain power and avoid prosecution, both President Bush and Vice President Cheney will find or fabricate a reason to institute martial law before the next administration is scheduled to assume office.

It is expected that all of the major media outlets will continue to work in coordination with the Bush administration in much the same manner they helped to promote and cosponsor the war in Iraq. With the Supreme Court already acting in complete unison with Karl Rove and the Republican party and the ineffectual responses from the Democrats in Congress who are still learning what it means to be an opposition party, it would appear that the United States is well on its way to becoming a post-democratic form of authoritarian rule.

Therefore, Assimilated Press has decided to sponsor a contest, The Bush Martial Law Lottery. Simply choose the date and time you believe President George W. Bush will formally declare martial law and suspend what is left of the Constitution. Also, feel free to provide any additional comments along with your lottery answer (all in the comments section please). The winner of The Bush Martial Law Lottery will receive the acknowledgment and praise of their freedom-loving peers.

Martial law and the suppression of dissent doesn't have to be a complete downer. Let's have some fun as we watch our Constitution disappear in the sunset.

Everyone is invited to participate except President Bush, Vice President Cheney and their immediate family members.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 21, 2007

Benchmarks were set for the Iraqi government. What benchmarks should the American people set for the American government?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Previous DQ: America! Congress needs YOUR help! Without resorting to obscenity or any term that could be contested on procedural grounds, what's another way to say "liar" without using the word "liar"?
Answer: Too many good answers to choose from. Click here to pick your favorite.

Friday, July 20, 2007

New Benchmarks Set For Iraqis

Washington, D.C. - The Bush administration has acknowledged that the Iraqi government, on both national and local levels, has not attained an overall satisfactory grade in meeting the agreed-to benchmarks. The administration, however, is not conceding failure, but is saying that these benchmarks were the wrong benchmarks to have chosen.

"We made the benchmarks too hard," said President Bush, "We should have picked different benchmarks that they could've met."

A senior White House official elaborated on the President's remarks, saying, "We put them in "Democracy 101," when we should have enrolled them in "Remedial Statehood." No wonder they got lousy grades."

According to White House spokesman Tony Snow, the president in an announcement shared with Iraq's President Maliki, will be releasing a new, shorter list of benchmarks for Iraq.

Assimilated Press has been furnished with an advanced copy of the joint address, and the new benchmarks are as follows:

1. To foster the economic development of Iraq, President Maliki and his wife will cut coupons from the local grocery store circular and save them for "Double Coupon Days" realizing a net benefit of approximately $1.35 per weekly shopping.

2. Iraqi police uniforms will be modified to include a patch that reads "Good Guy" so that Shia, Sunni and Kurdish citizens can be reassured that even though the police are shooting at them, it's probably nothing personal.

3. The month corresponding to September on the Iraqi calendar will be eliminated, with the months corresponding to July and August extended to 45 days each.

4. Although the Iraqi Parliament will go on vacation for the entire month of August, in exchange for going on vacation while their country is in turmoil, legislators promise to decrease the amount of fun and relaxation they enjoy during this vacation by 20% from 2006 levels.

5. All Iraqi elections will be placed under the control of the Diebold Corporation. Diebold will also serve as an independent observer during local referenda regarding American troop withdrawal.

6. Schoolchildren between the ages of 8-12 who still have schools to go to will be offered a cultural appreciation course to encourage tolerance. The course, "How to treat an American President," will be taught by Albanians paid for by the U.S. Government.

7. To reduce demand on public utilities, which have deteriorated from pre-Saddam levels, public health officials will encourage people to use spit for cooking and officials will extol the healthy benefits of spoiled food, raw food and no food.

8. Iraqi government officials will pledge not to assassinate each other during plenary sessions. Maiming will be allowed under certain circumstances.

9. The Iraqi Army will keep their boots polished whenever possible, practice standing at attention at least weekly, and will repeat daily "Every day in every way I am getting better and better."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bush Collapses During Speech

Birmingham, Alabama - Startled onlookers watched in horror as President George W. Bush collapsed into a heap during commencement services at the University of Phoenix School of War.

The incident occurred at the end of a speech in which Bush proclaimed that "The crusade...uh...mission in Iraq is going according to plan and soon all evildoers...uh...insurgents will be banished from the oil fields...uh...country."

According to witnesses, at the conclusion of Bush's speech, the graduates tossed their caps into the air, as is the custom at commencement services. Unfortunately, one of the caps caught a gust of wind and veered directly above the president severing all of the strings attached to the marionette controller being used by Vice President Dick Cheney who was hidden on a platform directly over the President as is the protocol for all public events featuring the president.

Bush remained crumpled on the ground as a team of secret service agents frantically worked to reattach all of the severed strings. Finally, after twenty minutes had passed, all of the strings were reattached and control was firmly reestablished. The president then rose to his feet, waved to the crowd and exited to a warm round of applause from the student body.

The students, who had just received their associates degrees in warrioring, unanimously said to Assimilated Press that they will not be enlisting in the armed forces of the United States to help in the effort in Iraq. Speaking for the entire graduating class, Fred Hiatt Jr. said, "I like got the degree in warriorship because it's like totally awesome and will make me a better at playing combat on my PlayStation and stuff."

Rich Officially Get Much, Much, Oh Incredibly Much, Richer

New York, New York - The We Swear We Are Not Making This Up News Group released information today that details how private equity managers avoid paying taxes and earn money for not doing so. The Blackstone Group, a firm that specializes in buying out other companies without actually producing any tangible product, will avoid paying taxes on $3.7 billion, their take from last month alone. Blackstone announced in the past few weeks that they would acquire the Hilton Hotel chain for $20.1 billion. Blackstone will pay Hilton in cash.

For the recent $3.7 billion in income, Blackstone partners will pay a deceptive $553 million in taxes; this amount will be refunded. In addition to the $553 million refund, the U.S. Government, a.k.a. Joe and Jane Taxpayer, will pay out an additional $200 million more over several years, turning the tax dodge into a sort of pension/annuity payment for poor, needy private equity fund managers. To make it even more complex, the actual company income for that month was $4.75 billion, but somehow, with skillful use of smoke and clever application of mirrors, the "taxable" amount was determined to be only $3.7 billion, for an additional savings of $1.05 billion "non-taxed" income.

In contrast, the average American will work until mid-April to pay off individual income yearly taxes.

In a related story, Harris Polling has released further information about the 19% of Americans who felt the country was “on the right track” as reported in a previous poll. Of these 19% of satisfied Americans, approximately 10% of respondents were classified as either “mentally negligible” or “lives under rock,” approximately 30% were energy company executives, 25% were private equity fund managers and 35% were classified as “connected to the Bush or Cheney families.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

19 Percent Think Country Is On the Right Track

Princeton, New Jersey - A recent Harris poll has reported that only 19% of those questioned feel the country is "on the right track." The representative sampling of public opinion, with a +/- 2% variance, shows that the vast majority of Americans do not feel the country is headed in the right direction.

"Not only is the the country not on the right track, we're glued to the third rail and the midday express is roaring around the bend," said John Tucker, President of The Model Railroad Association of America. "All the little plastic trees are dying from pollution and all the little wooden houses were washed away by Katrina. The signals don't work because they are under the direction of a political appointee who thinks electricity is the work of the devil, the choo-choo noise sounds funny because it is chanted by a group of Christian evangelists who think that the steam engine works by the breath of angels, and the train itself doesn't have an engineer because he was waiting to get his training in September and now there isn't going to be any more September. I can't even get the little plastic cows and sheep to eat the plastic grass because they all died from eating pet food from China. The richest agricultural country in the world and we're getting pet food all the way from China. Does that make any sense to you? It doesn't to me."

The Harris poll reports that the 19% approval rating for the country is the lowest since 1992, the end of the elder Bush's presidency.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 17, 2007

America! Congress needs YOUR help! Without resorting to obscenity or any term that could be contested on procedural grounds, what's another way to say "liar" without using the word "liar"?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Monday, July 16, 2007

Congress Searches For Another Word For "Liar"

Washington, D.C. - Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) doesn't think too highly of President Bush's honesty. On July 12 Rep. Watts offered a statement on the floor of the House that in 2003 Bush had lied about the reasons for going to war with Iraq. Rep. Chris Cannon (R-UT) jumped to the president's defense by objecting that Watt's words were "unparliamentary" and violated House rules on debate and decorum. The House rules of debate and decorum forbid "personal attacks" on other House representatives, the vice president and the president.

There was some procedural back and forth about the parliamentary acceptability of 'lied' and 'liar' with administrative laws sub-chair, Linda Sanchez (D- CA) first ruling the words were "not unparliamentary", but then reconsidering her ruling on procedural grounds. All the strong words about the strong words ended amicably enough when the decision to defend the words as "not unparliamentary" was vacated from the record. This bi-partisan agreement reassured all observers that Congressional representatives are spending their time and citizens' tax dollars focused on what matters most for the nation.

The incident, however, illustrates a pressing need: there has to be another way in which to call Bush, Cheney and whoever else fits the definition of "liar", a liar, without using the actual word "liar."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Administration Changes Calendar To Eliminate September

Washington, D.C. - In a surprising move the administration today released Executive Order 091101 "Reordering Monthly Designations," officially relegating the month known as September to the scrap heap of history. To compensate on the calendar, the executive order extends the months of July and August to 45 days each.

"We have left no child behind," declared President Bush during the Rose Garden announcement of the new calendar, "and now these children deserve a rest from all their hard work. Therefore, we are extending July and August and eliminating September."

The move was widely praised by the Association of Summer Camps, Day Care Centers and the National Education Association Benefits Bureau. Washington insiders speculated that Karl Rove was behind the move in an attempt to make a positive impression on the next generation of voters in an attempt to guarantee a future permanent Republican majority.

White House press corps doyenne, Helen Thomas, took a different approach to the news when questioning White House press spokesman Tony Snow, Ms Thomas noted that the administration had promised a full assessment of the effectiveness of the most recent troop surge in Iraq, but that Mr. Bush had mentioned that the last compliment of troops had arrived in Iraq fairly recently and that the president had stated "The full surge in this respect has only just begun."

"First, we are supposed to get an assessment of the troop surge in September. Then the president says there isn't going to be any September anymore. What is the relationship?" asked Ms. Thomas.

"What relationship between what?" replied Mr. Snow.

"The relationship between the president saying he would provide Congress, that Gen. Petraeus would provide Congress, with an assessment of the surge in September and now doing away with September?" asked Ms. Thomas.

"What relationship do you think there may be?" asked Mr. Snow. "That's not for me to answer," said Ms. Thomas, "the question is for you."

"Well, I don't see why as press spokesman I have to answer anyone's questions," replied Mr. Snow, "and, Helen, I wish you would stop asking perfectly good questions to which I have to give ridiculous answers."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Iraq War Moved To Dutch Antilles

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that all combat operations in Iraq will cease. Fighting will be relocated to the Dutch Antilles and conduct of all military and political goals will be outsourced to Halliburton.

White House spokesman Tony Snow defended the move when questioned saying, "No, I don't think it's 'cut and run' at all. Full combat operations will continue. The Dutch Antilles will be a better staging ground for our military operations and we have a higher expectation of success once troops have been moved out of Iraq where, to be frank, sectarian strife is getting in the way of an American victory over al Qaeda. Al Qaeda is the enemy, and we can defeat al Qaeda better and more effectively if there are fewer distractions to the main mission."

A senior White House official confided privately, "Moving the war to the Dutch Antilles is a smart idea. It will take Americans another 18 months to locate the Dutch Antilles on the map." Asked if this 18-month knowledge gap would hamper chances for peace by the 44th President the official replied, laughing, "Like we care."

President Bush was somewhat vague about the reasoning behind changing the war's venue. "Dick, I mean the Vice President, said he had everything all worked out with the Dutch and asked if I was okay with moving the war to the Dutch's Aunt Tilley's. I said if it was okay for the Dutch's Aunt Tilley, I didn't have any problem with it."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, July 13, 2007

Bush To Declare Progress In Iraq

Washington, D.C. - According to The New York Times July 12 edition “The Bush administration will assert in the next few days that progress in carrying out the new American strategy in Iraq has been satisfactory on nearly half of the 18 benchmarks set by Congress, according to several administration officials.”

As a continuing service to our readers to get the whole story, Assimilated Press interviewed The New York Times about this article.

AP: You mentioned the phrase ‘the new American strategy’ in the article’s lede. What new American strategy might that be?

NYT: Uh…I think, um, I think we meant the surge. You know, sending more troops.

AP: I see. Strategy is usually defined as a plan or method of achieving a goal. Do you feel that sending people to do the same thing the same way it has been done for the past several years is an actual change in strategy? Or, do you feel that adding more people doing the exact same non-effective thing is a valid ‘strategy’ simply because more people are doing it?

NYT: Well…um, I’m not sure….

AP: Okay, let me put it another way. If 3,000 people, one at a time, each runs headfirst into a lead-reinforced concrete wall over and over and over again with no positive effect, do you think that having 30,000 people, one at a time, each running headfirst into a lead-reinforced concrete wall over and over and over again is a new and exciting idea that might get better results?

NYT: Uh….

AP: Do you think that perhaps that first sentence could have read “The Bush administration will assert in the next few days that progress in Iraq has been satisfactory on nearly half of the 18 benchmarks set by Congress”? Wouldn’t that sentence have accomplished alerting the public that Bush is trying to claim success?

NYT: Yeah, well…um….

AP: Or even better couldn’t you have written “The Bush administration will assert in the next few days that progress in Iraq has been satisfactory on nearly half of the 18 benchmarks set by Congress. The New York Times has not been able to verify if these benchmarks have been met.”? I mean, is Bush claiming success in Iraq really news? Isn’t that kind of ‘dog bites man’ as far as news goes? Didn’t he already claim ‘Mission Accomplished’ several years and thousands of deaths ago?

NYT: He’s the President. We have to print what he is going to do, and make it sound like news.

AP: Do you realize that by adding ‘the new American strategy’ you are not only parroting exactly what the Bush administration wants you to say you are also putting The New York Times in a situation where it is giving credence to the lie that there really is some new kind of strategy, some new and different innovative action?

NYT: Hey, they said it, not us!

AP: Right….. Is there ever a time, in the dark midnight of your soul, when you stop to consider what you have become and then crawl off into a corner and slowly start to die of shame?

NYT: It’s been great talking to ya! But my corporate masters just whistled, so I gotta go now. Bye!

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, July 12, 2007

CIA Releases Old News

Washington, D.C. - Much has been made of the CIA releasing its "family jewels", the documents that show the agency has engaged in unlawful domestic activity going back to at least the Kennedy Administration. Even with the disclosures of skeletons rattling in the CIA closets,some skeletons were still heavily clothed in obscuring black ink, and not all the closet doors were opened.

To those public figures, including politicians of all persuasions, who are "Shocked! Shocked!" by these "revelations" and seek political gain by roundly denouncing these programs and claiming that they would never, ever let such things happen on their watch, this reporter replies "Yeah, right."

To those citizens who express dismay that even their heroes have feet of clay, this reporter replies, "Their feet were always made of the same stuff yours are. If you are surprised to find out they were imperfect it is only because you made them better than they ever were because it suited your own needs to feel comforted."

It has long been known that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Human nature has not changed in the past thousands of years; neither will it change in the thousands of years going forward.

Your government is not your mother, your father, or your best friend. Your government is not your leader. Your government does not know what is best for you, neither does your government care about you on a personal basis.

The federal government is like a many-headed beast, a chimera with huge lumbering legs, long snaky tentacles, sharp teeth, dulled wits coupled with lightening-fast reflexes, and greedy, piggy eyes.

This beast, this government, must be leashed and lead: not by "leaders" who enjoy hearing the cheers while marching at the head of a parade, not by "successful" business owners who think they can downsize democracy, not by "scholars" who specialize in their own ideological spheres, and not by "generals" who rank each constituent as a subordinate and consider each problem a war.

The chimera of government, that lumbering, paranoid, destructive, behemoth, that shrilly-trumpeting, wildly charging, blood-crazed feral beast cannot be gentled. There are no "government whisperers" who can coax it into being well-behaved, tame, calm and benign.

The government must be caged. It must be leashed. It must be controlled by its master, We the People. Only then will the government refrain from inflicting gratuitous damage, or attacking at the slightest provocation. Only then will it learn not to bite the hand that feeds it both taxes and soldiers' lives.

Looking at the CIA files it is easy to see that there are no alien autopsies. There are no clones being groomed for war or bred for organ donation for the rich. There are no vast international cabals or secret brotherhoods running the world.

There is no need for paranoid fantasy, what is real is frightening enough.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 12, 2007

Today is make up your own quiz day. Feel free to provide your quiz, joke or story.

Previous DQ: What is the difference between a prostitute and Dick Cheney?
Answer: One is constantly committing crimes in darkened rooms while the other is practicing the world's oldest profession

Publisher's note: Check out the other answers here.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Supreme Court Declares Itself Enemy Of The People

Washington, D.C. - In an expansion of its policy requiring upfront payments and minimum income requirements from petitioners, the Supreme Court today announced that it is further restricting access to the court by "ordinary citizens" by erecting barriers that will make it impossible for all but the wealthiest and well connected to overcome.

Commenting on these latest changes, Chief Justice Roberts said, "These new additions to our policy will make the court more efficient and business-like. It will also make it possible to provide better service to our preferred clients since we will no longer have to deal with ordinary citizens who just clog up the works and waste our valuable time."

Also commenting on the policy, Justice Alito said, "Common people are disgusting and smell bad." While Justice Thomas remarked, "Colored folks make me nervous."

Monday, July 09, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 9, 2007

What is the difference between a prostitute and Dick Cheney?

Previous DQ: Bush is famous for dressing up as a pretend navy pilot and prancing upon the deck of a destroyer like a Cocker spaniel on steroids. What costume will he put on next?
Answer: George W. Bush will next be dressing up as a French maid to Dick Cheney's Lord of the Manor.

Publisher's note: Check out the other answers here.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Supreme Court Exchanges Black Robes For White Hoods

Washington, D.C. - Chief Justice John Roberts announced today that justices of the Supreme Court of the United States will no longer wear black robes but will instead switch to white hoods and white robes.

Calling the move long overdue, Roberts said, "This switch back to pre-Civil War judicial attire is in keeping with a return to the traditional values America had in the early 1800s before the country was overtaken with uppity Blacks and pushy women who felt that they had rights equal to those of wealthy White landowners."

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 7, 2007

Bush is famous for dressing up as a pretend navy pilot and prancing upon the deck of a destroyer like a Cocker spaniel on steroids. What costume will he put on next?

Previous DQ: What fictional characters do members of the Bush administration (Bush, Cheney, Rice, etc.) most resemble?
Answer: All of the answers were winners. Check them out here.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Joe Lieberman To Speak At Republican Convention

Washington, D.C. - The Republican Party announced today that Senator Joe Lieberman will be giving the keynote address at their nominating convention in Minneapolis. The theme agreed to by both Lieberman and top Republican officials is "Democrats are bad Americans and must be stopped by any means."

Said Lieberman, "I am thrilled to accept this invitation to speak at the Republican National Convention. Democrats are our enemies and we must not allow one to be elected president. Fortunately, I have been informed by Karl Rove that this is statistically impossible because we now have a cadre of US Attorneys in place along with Justices Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy to ensure that no Democrat will ever be elected president again."

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Weapons Of Mass Destruction Found

Baghdad, Iraq - The weapons of mass destruction were found today in Baghdad. The weapons were discovered wrapped in aluminum foil in the back of the freezer at Saddam Hussein's former palace residence. Hussein's cook, Ali Ali Aksenfree, admits to having neglected to label the weapons properly when he put them into the freezer several years ago. "I put them in there and I didn't do a good job of writing on the outside," he said. "I thought they were leftover lamb kebabs, and I just sort of forgot about them."

The mistake was discovered when the kitchen staff decided to defrost the freezer. The discovery of the frozen weapons of mass destruction prompted a complete search of the former palace. Other weapons of mass destruction were soon found in the bottom of an old purse with a tear in the lining, behind a bookcase, between the sofa cushions, in a drawer containing incomplete sets of hex keys, various sized screws and unused wooden paint stirrers, in the shed between the gas can and the old lawn sprinkler, and wedged under the front seat of the car. A box in the attic at first appeared to be a cache of WMDs but was later determined to be filled with mothballs, slightly stained baby clothes and glass baby bottles.

All weapons of mass destruction have been placed in clearly labeled, sealed Tupperware containers and organized on shelves in the basement. A sticky note on the refrigerator reminds all personnel of the WMD new storage location.

"We are so embarrassed" said Mr. Aksenfree, "Sorry for causing such a fuss. I promise we won't lose them again!"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 4, 2007

What fictional characters do members of the Bush administration (Bush, Cheney, Rice, etc.) most resemble?

Previous DQ: Will America ever recover from the damage of the Bush years?
Answer: Yes, in 2014 an amendment entitled the DeBushification of America Amendment will become part of the Constitution as an attempt is made to reverse the continuing calamity of the Bush years. This amendment will remove all federal judges appointed by George W. Bush, including Roberts and Alito. And, it will also remove from all government agencies employees hired by Bush including those in the Justice Department. Furthermore, all executive orders signed by Bush will become invalid. Finally, Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld will be turned over to the International Court in The Hague. America's reputation will then be restored as the dark legacy of the Bush era recedes into the past.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: July 3, 2007

Will America ever recover from the damage of the Bush years?

Previous DQ: 28 percent of Americans believe that George W. Bush is doing a heckuva job. What else do these 28 percent believe?
Answer: They only believe what they are told to believe by Fox News and talk radio. They are blank slates who have willingly given themselves to evil reactionary forces. At this point in their sickness, they are beyond the reach of any cult deprogrammer.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Bush Pardons Himself For Crimes Past, Present & Future

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today issued a pardon to himself for all crimes he has committed in the past, for crimes he is currently committing and for crimes he intends to commit in the future. In addition, Bush issued pardons to Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Condaleeza Rice, Alberto Gonzales, Colin Powell, Jeb Bush, his wife Laura and the twins. In announcing these unusual blanket pardons Bush said "You can't be too careful. There would be hell to pay if anyone ever found out two-percent of what we've been doing for the last six years."

Originally posted in Assimilated Press on June 21, 2006. Reposted because of today's commutation of Scooter Libby's sentence.

Supreme Court Reinstates Dred Scott Decision

Washington, D.C. - Coming quickly after their decision to overturn Brown versus Board of Education, the Supreme Court of the United States has decided, by a five to four majority, to reinstate the Dred Scott decision of 1857 in which it was resolved as the law of the land that slavery was to be permitted throughout the entire nation and that Blacks could not and shall not become citizens. Chief Justice Roger B. Taney, who wrote the majority opinion in Dred Scott, further stated in the landmark decision that Blacks "had no rights which the white man was bound to respect."

Chief Justice John Roberts, who has modeled himself after Chief Justice Roger B. Taney, was full of praise for his predecessor at today's announcement, "Chief Justice Taney was a man of strong conservative principles and someone I greatly admire. I am confident that with our decisions to overturn Brown versus Board of Education and to reinstate Dred Scott, the Roberts Court will one day be remembered with the same fondness and appreciation as the Taney Court."

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Democratic Party Suffering From Kitty Genovese Syndrome

Washington, D.C. - The American Psychiatric Association today formally presented a report stating that the Democratic Party has been incapacitated for the last seven years because they are afflicted with the Kitty Genovese Syndrome.

As a public service, Assimilated Press is publishing the full statement from today's briefing by Professor Elwood T. Morse of the Harvard Medical School who authored the report for the American Psychiatric Association:

"The Democratic Party through its elected senators and representatives has been individually and collectively suffering from a profoundly serious ailment that is often fatal to one's sense of ethics and principles. This horribly debilitating disease is known as the Kitty Genovese Syndrome. People who have this disease are chronically afraid to do the right thing or to even to get involved. They prefer to hide and look for excuses rather than take a principled stand.

Though bubbling under the surface for years amongst Democrats, the Kitty Genovese Syndrome first became pandemic in the presidential election of 2000 when Democrats nationwide allowed the Republican Party and five extremely partisan Supreme Court Justices to subvert the most sacred of rights guaranteed under the Constitution, the right to have one's vote counted. In the process, these five justices and the Republican Party committed the most massive and corrosive act of racism to occur in this county within the last fifty years by crushing the freedom and liberty of Black voters to exercise their rights as Americans. In response, the Democrats did nothing to stop this crime from happening and, in fact, turned their backs on these minority voters who had been denied their rights when they sought redress.

This self-destructive behavior was repeated with the invasion of Iraq when political cowardice ruled the day and the Democrats in Congress allowed themselves to be railroaded by Rove, Cheney, Bush and their numerous allies in the media. Unfortunately, the sickness then continued when the Democrats in Congress failed to prevent the confirmation of Roberts and Alito to the Supreme Court which has had the drastic effect of dramatically reducing what remains of our constitutional freedoms.

It is very sad to see people suffering from the Kitty Genovese Syndrome. They lose their moral compass and any sense of purpose. All that remains is a hollow shell, a pathetic remnant of what they once were."