Thursday, May 31, 2007

Corporate Media Experiencing Buyer's Remorse With Bush

Washington, D.C. - The five major corporations that control most of the information management in the media are expressing remorse over their decision to help install and prop up the George W. Bush presidency. Over the course of the last year they have begun to realize that they severely miscalculated in their selection and are now worried that their ability to project themselves as serving the interests of the American public has been fatally compromised.

Unfortunately, they believe that their choices are limited and that they are now stuck with a pig in a poke. Given the urgency of the matter, these corporations have scheduled a meeting in the Bahamas which will include representatives from Exxon Mobil, Halliburton, Merck Pharmaceuticals, and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia in which they will discuss new procedures to ensure that the next president they install meets minimal intellectual standards while still being able to faithfully follow orders without question.

Today's Daily Quiz: May 31, 2007

What is the difference between the Piltdown Man and George W. Bush?

Yesterday's DQ answer: Before they can fight over who gets the life preserver, they are attacked and eaten by two giant white sharks. Afterwards, one of the white sharks says to the other, "I love right-wingers, they're delicious."

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Al Qaeda Tours Pennsylvania On Way To Boston

Scranton, Pennsylvania - A troop of al Qaeda operatives are marching en masse through the Keystone State. Troop Commander Abdul Abdullah explained their presence at a rest area outside of Wilkes-Barre.

"When Rick Santorum was Pennsylvania's senator he said that America would not be safe unless he was able to keep his seat in the 2006 midterm elections," said Commander Abdullah. "Even though the average American can't find Iraq on a map, it's a well-known fact that we terrorists have always based our strategy on the outcome of Pennsylvanian elections. With Santorum out of the way we knew there was nothing standing between us and total domination of the entire North American continent."

In addition to single-handedly protecting all of Western civilization, while in office Mr. Santorum championed massive tax cuts for the rich while opposing an increase in child-care funding for working mothers. After voting for tax cuts for those earning over $1,000,000 Mr. Santorum remarked on the child-care issue, saying "Making people struggle a little bit is not necessarily the worst thing."

Based on these credentials Mr. Santorum is now employed by the Ethics and Public Policy Center (EPPC) in Washington, DC. which applies "the Judeo-Christian moral tradition to critical issues of public policy." As Mr. Santorum specializes in assessing terrorist threats he now heads the Program to Protect America's Freedom and issues the Weekly Threat Roundup.

Commander Abdullah said his contingent was planning to march towards Boston because "It has the reputation of being a liberal city. As terrorists and enemies of America, anyplace there are liberals we are confident of receiving a warm welcome."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Today's Daily Quiz: May 30, 2007

Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Lynne Cheney, and James
Dobson are treading water stranded in the middle of the ocean. They each
have one hand on the same life preserver ring. They all know the ring is
just adequate enough to keep 1 person afloat. Who survives?

Today's DQ courtesy of pinko

Yesterday's DQ answer: None, they don't believe in light, only darkness.

Publisher's note: The readers were way ahead on yesterday's DQ and not only got the correct answer but also came up with some better more elaborate ones. I have a feeling that this is going to happen often. Also, pinko has come up with some suggestions to make the DQ even more fantastic, such as open voting for best answers. So, expect changes and improvements to come. And please, feel free to send any suggestions regarding the DQ that you would like to see in the future.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Today's Daily Quiz: May 29, 2007

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

New Feature At Assimilated Press: The Daily Quiz (DQ)

Every day (if the muse cooperates) Assimilated Press will post a new Daily Quiz which will be funny, pertinent, awe-inspiring, profound and, maybe not all of those things but at least it will try to be topical and funny.

Every one is encouraged to give their best answer to the Daily Quiz in the comments section. The Daily Quiz posted on the following day will have the answer to the previous day's Daily Quiz.

Publisher's note: Get the Daily Quiz through e-mail subscriptions or news readers. Simply click on the "Subscribe in a reader" link on the left side of the screen and then enter your e-mail address and/or your preferred web-based news reader.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Christians 0, Satan 1

Washington, D.C. - It's 0 for 1 in the battle against Satan and we have a man out.
Lieutenant General William Boykin is retiring.

Boykin said in 2003 that in the war in Iraq "....the enemy is a guy named Satan," which triggered a quick response from Satan who brought a libel suit against the general claiming neither side had sought his services, although he was in negotiations with both Blackpool Security and the CIA. The suit was settled out of court after Boykin admitted he had never actually seen Satan anywhere near the battlefield.

Boykin also described a previous victory over a Somali warlord as inevitable because "I knew my God was bigger than his."

Geraldo Rivera's 2004 effort to measure Boykin's god against that of the Somali warlord's to determine if Boykin's god was bigger ended in disappointment when neither god made an appearance.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sony Invents TV You Can Watch In Your Underwear

San Francisco, California - Sony has invented television you can watch in your underwear. No, this is not the same as watching television wearing your underwear. The foldable screen, only 0.3mm thick, will be able to be embedded in clothing.

"In the future, it could be wrapped around a lamppost or a person's wrist, or even be worn as clothing. Perhaps it could be put up as wallpaper," said a Sony company spokesman.

Rupert Murdoch of News Corp was ecstatic at the announcement of this invention. "I can put Fox News everywhere!" exclaimed Mr. Murdoch, "Clothing would be just the beginning. I could put it on furniture, on beer bottles, on cars, dishwashers, cans of beans, cereal boxes, toothbrushes, toys, tubas! On shower curtains, at the bottom of soup bowls, on pillows, blankets, sheets! On sidewalks, on luggage, surgical instruments, suppositories! Scuba gear, spacesuits, trees, mountains, the face of the moon, the sides of horses and cows! Moose! Chihuahuas! Soon there will be absolutely no way for anyone ever again to be deprived of fair and balanced news coverage no matter where they are or what they are doing!"

Mr. Murdoch added, with a satisfied smile, "I love the smell of progress in the morning."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Bush Administration Seeking Hostages

McLean, Virginia - The CIA today announced that it has employment opportunities for hostages. "It is a wonderful way to get to see Iran, all expenses paid," said Marcia Funebre of the CIA press office. "We're looking for several hostages who can be captured while innocently trespassing in Iran to justify our going to war to free them."

Asked why hostages were needed, Ms. Funebre pointed out the reluctance of Iran to create a suitable international incident for a cassus belli. "We captured three of their guys in Iraq, but Iran just negotiated. Britain's navy went in, and Iran just negotiated. We have a complete battle armada going through unannounced naval maneuvers in the Persian Gulf, and Iran hasn't sent out one damn torpedo. It is very frustrating trying to start a war when the other party doesn't seem to really want to fight."

The CIA was asked what would they do if Iran simply released their hostages without harm, as they did with the British. Ms. Funebre assured this reporter that any American hostage supplied by the CIA to be captured in Iran would come to the appropriate amount of harm, documented in suitably inflammatory photographs. Asked again how the CIA could be sure of this, Ms. Funebre smiled and said "No comment."

According to the CIA job posting, hostage applicants should be photogenic, must be able to pass a drug test, have never been incarcerated, and have a history of volunteerism in their community. Clean and articulate are a must. Mothers who weep well on camera, cute kids and an attractive spouse preferred but will consider bachelors with sex appeal. Dogs who wait for them faithfully a definite plus.

Candidates must be able to travel, lift a dead body and survive a CIA black hole prison at a non-disclosed location. Guaranteed advancement to the afterlife during liberation activities.

Excellent survivor benefits including television appearances, meeting
the president, tabloid and book deals. No Liberals need apply.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, May 25, 2007

Democratic Party Changes Symbol To Jellyfish

Washington, D.C. - In a move designed to acknowledge their failure to act as an opposition party for the first six years of the Bush administration in which they were in the minority and also for their continued inability to stand up to the taunts and smears of the administration and their allies in the media once they regained control of Congress, the Democratic Party has decided to change its official symbol from the donkey to the jellyfish.

Commenting on the new change, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Look, I'm a realist and I recognize that giving Bush a blank check for Iraq was a sign of cowardice and lack of principle on the part of the Democratic Party. That is why I wholeheartedly support the idea that we Democrats would best be represented by the symbol of a jellyfish. The jellyfish has no spine and no testicles and I guess that sums us up pretty well."

Also adding their support for the change from donkey to jellyfish were many in the media including David Broder of the Washington Post who said, "It is good to see that the Democrats in Congress know their place. It takes a while but once you've beaten the spirit out of a dog, it is obedient forever."

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Democrats Need Powder Milk Biscuits

Washington, D.C. - As Democrats once again prepare to capitulate to the threats and taunts of President Bush and his supporters in the media over the authorization of another "blank check" funding bill for the Iraq war, worried constituents across the nation have organized and are responding with a massive grass roots campaign to send each and every member of Congress a packet of powder milk biscuits in the hope that it will increase their intestinal fortitude to make the correct and principled decision and not act out of fear or reckless self-interest.

This extraordinary effort by the citizens of the United States to have their voices heard by their representatives is already having a profound impact. Congressional offices are reporting that they are being overwhelmed with deliveries of powder milk biscuits and that this is causing many members of Congress to reconsider their support for the "blank check" funding bill that will be voted on soon.

Commenting on this latest development, Garrison Keilor said, "Powder milk biscuits, they give you the strength to get up and do what needs to be done."

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

President Bush Turns Gold Into Lead

Fort Knox, Kentucky - In a stunning display of reverse alchemy, President Bush today turned all of the gold in Fort Knox into lead. This astounding feat occurred when the President toured the giant precious metal repository in Kentucky accompanied by the White House press corps in an attempt to assure the country that America's financial future was secure.

The bizarre transformation seemed to be triggered during a carefully staged photo-op in front of a massive pile of gold ingots when Bush proudly proclaimed, "Because of me, America is more secure and respected than ever and you can bank on that because my word is as good as this gold you see behind me."

As soon as the President's last word was uttered, all of the gold in Fort Knox, including the pile stacked behind the President, quickly lost its glimmer and brilliant color until it turned a dull gray. Startled officials rushed to inspect the ingots and found that, contrary to natural law, they had all mysteriously turned into lead placing the fragile American economy in an even more precarious state.

Commenting on the extraordinary event, author Gore Vidal said, "I don't know why anyone would be surprised by the President turning gold into lead. After all, he has already turned peace into war, prosperity into debt, confidence into fear, joy into suffering and The Bill of Rights into a pile of manure. If anyone could turn gold into lead, it is George W. Bush."

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Antonin Scalia Demands His Weight In Gold

Washington, D.C. - He doesn't come cheap but if you've got lots of money to spare and an issue before the Supreme Court you can get your very own Justice and increase your chances for a favorable outcome. Today, Antonin Scalia announced that his official purchase price for casting a vote in your favor is his weight in gold.

This bold move by Scalia breaks years of tradition. Previously, most judges and members of Congress met behind closed doors with their personal benefactors to negotiate a price for votes and legislation which was then quickly followed by cash payments or deposits in hidden Swiss bank accounts. This new openness by Justice Scalia was greeted positively by most members of the media who praised his candor and honesty.

Said Chris Matthews of MSNBC, "I just love this guy Scalia. He's my kind of man. I mean, he knows what price he can get for his votes and damnit, he goes out there and gets it. You've got to admire that kind of initiative."

In a moment of reflection after announcing his purchase price, Scalia said "You know, people sometimes think that I am just an ideologue and a hardcore right-wing Republican. That is true, of course, but part of being a modern Republican is knowing how to use your position to make money. Let this be a lesson to all you young college Republicans out there. If you work hard, put ideology above principle and are willing to crush everything that stands in your way, then someday you too may be able to sell yourself for your own weight in gold."

In a related development, Assimilated Press has learned that Scalia has told associates that he will not be going on a diet anytime soon.

Mafia Says Bush Family Gives Organized Crime Bad Name

New York, New York - In a highly unusual development, the heads of the leading five Mafia families released a joint statement today expressing their displeasure with President Bush and his administration. They are particularly upset with his incompetence and lack of professionalism which they say reflects badly on all other members of organized crime who operate with skill and maintain high standards of professional conduct.

Antonio Snow, spokesperson for the five leading families, said "This guy Bush, he's an embarrassment. He's got no brains and he's got no balls. He's making everyone in organized crime look bad and we don't like that one bit. We've got standards. We would never tolerate anyone as stupid and sloppy as Bush's consigliere Alberto Gonzales. And this whole Iraq mess, it's a disgrace. When we go to the mats, we plan it out carefully and we know who our real enemies are. If we ran a war the way the Bush family does we'd be out of business in six months."

Monday, May 21, 2007

Assimilated Press Available Via E-mail Subscription & News Readers

Because of requests from our readers, Assimilated Press has now made it possible to be alerted to new postings through e-mail subscriptions and news readers. Simply click on the "Subscribe in a reader" link on the left side of the screen and then enter your e-mail address and/or your preferred web-based news reader. As new important stories are posted, you will be immediately informed.

We wish to thank our many readers who continue to come to Assimilated Press to get the stories that no one else will print.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Mistakes To Be Trademarked & Board Certified

New York, New York - The American Trademark Association has created a subsidiary board to trademark and certify mistakes. "Everyone has heard the phrase 'mistakes were made' but you never get to find out who, exactly, made them," said Tucker Johnson, president of the association. "We felt there was a need to trademark those mistakes where the mistake-makers weren't getting the recognition they deserve."

Mr. Johnson said that in addition, a certification board was formed to create an industry standard for mistakes. "The Association of Stupendously Stupid Situations (ASSS) would give its seal of approval only to those mistakes which represent the pinnacle of error achievement," said Mr. Johnson. "Next time you hear 'mistakes were made' look at what's underneath. With the trademark, you will be able to tell who made the mistake. If it has the ASSS seal, you can be certain this mistake is huge."

The first trademark mistake to receive the ASSS seal of approval is the Heckuva. The Heckuva is an instant mistake activated by simply adding water.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Washington Post Forever Tied To George W. Bush

Washington, D.C. - Like a gambler that realizes he has lost everything on a bad bet or a drug addict who just realizes that he has shot up some bad heroin, Fred Hiatt and the Washington Post have finally come to the realization that their paper will forever be tied to George W. Bush as a co-conspirator and collaborator as a result of their uncritical and undying loyalty to his policies and the war in Iraq.

Despite some recent efforts to try to distance themselves, their connection to the Bush administration in the mind of the public remains fixed leaving a sense of doom and foreboding that permeates the Post's editorial offices.

Said Hiatt, "We knew that Bush was lazy, ignorant, stubborn, mean, and resentful of democratic institutions, but never in our wildest imaginations did we think that he could do so much damage to the country in such little time. We bet on the wrong horse and we rode him for far too long. Now, it's too late to get off and our reputation is going to be flushed down the toilet along with the fecal matter that is Bush's legacy."

There was, however, one dissenting voice concerning the calamity done to the Post's reputation. Columnist David Broder, still showing undying obedience to his commander-in-chief, said "People have been misunderestimating Bush for years. He is perfectly positioned to take the initiative, reclaim the publics adoration and win a third term. All it will take is another national emergency and a little more help from the Supreme Court."

Friday, May 18, 2007

Administration Creates Department Of Scandal

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today unveiled an ambitious plan to supply the country with fresh scandals until 2008. "There are those who say America has run out of new scandals, that we're in scandal re-runs. The Secretary of the Department of Scandal, a full cabinet position answering to me, this Scandal Secretary will be in charge of making sure there is more than enough fresh scandal for every man, woman and child in America right through to the end of my term and even beyond."

There was no immediate announcement as to the identity of the new Scandal Secretary. Administration insiders point to the possibility of former Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, former Attorney General John Ashcroft or Rick Santorum, the former senator from Pennsylvania. A White House press release said the president would name the new Scandal Secretary within the week.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was quick to praise the new department. "This is bold vision and leadership by the president," said Sen. McCain, "America is number one in scandal worldwide, a singular achievement of the Bush administration. Having a Department of Scandal will help us keep our edge."

Democrats were more guarded in their statements. "I'm not sure that you can just create good, fresh, new scandal by simply saying you're going to do so," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), "Scandal takes some planning, greed, money, a lack of conscience, and often, full-frontal nudity. We're cautiously optimistic that the administration can supply the greed, money, lack of conscience and even nudity. It's the planning part we're not too sure about."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Washington Rocked By Potential Lack of Scandal

Washington, D.C. - Economic indicators for April show the country is headed towards a dangerous scandal deficit. The indicators include the sale of newspapers and advertising revenues for radio and television news programs and news websites. These indicators show that most Americans are no longer consuming scandal at their previous rate. The situation is a first in the history of the country.

"There was Teapot Dome, Watergate, Monica Lewinsky, big, huge scandals," said Dr. John Tucker, history professor at the University of Cincinnati. "But, there was always room for more in any given administration. However, the Bush Administration has used up all available scandals and now is in a scandal deficit situation."

Asked to define a scandal deficit, Dr. Tucker explained "In normal administrations you have several types of scandals. There are sex scandals, alcohol and drug scandals, outright payoffs, corruption by corporate interests, cronyism and nepotism and dipping into public funds. Then there's war profiteering, real estate opportunism coupled with helpful zoning and development and things like can't-keep-a-straight-face silliness such as landlocked states getting naval bases. Every administration since Truman has had toxic waste dumping, nuclear reactor safety going to the lowest bidder without meaningful oversight and Pentagon medical experimentation on an unsuspecting populace. Finally, there is the usual racist or two, a sexist or two, diplomatic gaffes, open mic embarrassments and multi-gazillion dollar programs that produce absolutely nothing, actually make things worse. All of them are good, solid, time-tested scandals. The Bush Administration has used up all these scandals. There just simply aren't any scandals left, and as a country, we are now in a scandal deficit."

White House press secretary Tony Snow attempted to assure the country that there were still plenty of scandals left. "The Department of Justice has plenty of scandal left. The Department of Education and the student loan lender kickbacks, there's a scandal, right there. Guantanamo, New Orleans revitalization, Iraq, maybe Iran, all of these areas are rich fields for future scandals. In fact, I think that if you examine the record, not only are we not into a scandal deficit, this administration is creating a scandal surplus that will supply continuing, sustainable scandals for years to come."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Alberto Gonzales Regains Memory

Bethesda Naval Hospital, Maryland - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had a spontaneous recovery of memory today that his doctors term "miraculous." Dr. M. Ostrowsky, Chief of Neurology at the hospital, was cleared by the Attorney General's family and the Department of Justice to speak to the press.

In a prepared statement Dr. Ostrowsky said, "As we are all aware after watching two recent sessions of testimony before Congress, the Attorney General was suffering from a rare form of amnesia. This rare amnesia prevented him from remembering anything substantiative about the firing of any U.S. Attorneys, except for the assertion that whatever the reason the attorneys were fired for was reasonable and justified. This rare condition, 'amnesia felonious', cast a fog over his recollection of overall events but allowed Mr. Gonzales to remember in specific that the White House had absolutely, positively, incontrovertibly nothing to do with any firings of any attorneys at any step in the process at any time."

Asked to explain the mechanism of the Attorney General's recovery, Dr. Ostrowky admitted medical science was baffled. "Here we have a man who remembers close to nothing of significant events, even after repeated prompting and presentation of evidence. Nothing rang a bell. Then, one day, his Deputy Attorney General resigns, that's Mr. Paul McNulty, I believe. While we're not sure exactly what happened we theorize that the shock of Mr. McNulty's resignation was so overwhelming for Attorney General Gonzales that this cut through his mental fog and jolted his memory for a spontaneous recovery."

Amnesia felonious, while a rare condition among the general population, occasionally shows up in "clusters." Statistically significant clusters of amnesia felonious have been recently noted in the District of Columbia, Halliburton corporate offices and San Quentin. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta emphasizes there is little chance of infection with amnesia felonious if one keeps away from government buildings, energy industry meetings and liquor store cash registers that don't belong to you.

Asked about the Attorney General's current status, Dr. Ostrowsky said, "Mr. Gonzales is resting comfortably and his family is at his side. He is aware of who he is, where he is, what day it is, and that anything that ever went wrong at the Department of Justice was all Mr. McNulty's fault."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell Meets His Maker

Pearly Gates, Heaven - The Rev. Jerry Falwell died May 15. Shortly after death Rev. Falwell was received into Heaven. While an influential figure in both religious and political circles, Rev. Falwell was most famous in life for a comment made shortly after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Rev. Falwell, on television discussing the 9/11 attacks with the Rev. Pat Robertson, stated, "I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians, who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.' "

Later, Rev. Falwell said he was just kidding.

Shortly after arriving in Heaven, Rev. Falwell was met by Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell the first female American doctor. Dr. Blackwell was joined in greeting Rev. Falwell by Sojourner Truth, the courageous abolitionist who also wrote and delivered the suffragette keynote address "Ain't I a Woman?" Also attending was Abigail Adams, wife and mother of presidents, who urged that voting rights and equality for women be added to the Constitution.

After these heavenly hosts had their time with Rev. Falwell, he was then greeted by Leonardo da Vinci, his partner Alexander the Great, Horatio Alger, Jr and his partner Hans Christian Andersen. They were joined by actress Marlene Dietrich, her partner Congressional Representative Barbara Jordan who so eloquently spoke during the Watergate hearings, first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and her partner the poet Sappho.

There was a brief interlude in the welcoming ceremonies while Rev. Falwell tried to hide behind a harp and improvise a tourniquet.

Finally, Rev. Falwell had his audience with the Almighty. Although the meeting itself was cordial, according to celestial insiders, Zeus was not pleased.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

The Anarchist Manifesto

Omaha, Nebraska - The International Society of Anarchists (ISA) today released their first officially sanctioned manifesto. This heavily anticipated document was introduced by the executive director of the ISA, Colleen Jones, who said "Anarchists the world over have long had to struggle without an official manifesto or rule book. This has led to untold difficulties for our members who did not know the correct way to conduct themselves on a daily basis. This manifesto, which was agreed to unanimously by the entire board of directors, now gives all of us guidance on how to live our lives as anarchists and removes the awful specter of uncertainty that has plagued many of us."

As a service to the public, Assimilated Press has published the new Anarchist Manifesto in its entirety below.


It is hereby resolved that:

Breakfast shall be eaten in the evening, dinner in the morning and lunch after midnight but before sunrise.

Shirts shall be buttoned in the wrong buttonholes and shoelaces untied. Socks may be worn but only on Halloween and Valentine's Day.

Logos, statements, quotes and other personal expressions on items of clothing must be pre-approved by the International Society of Anarchists and a licensing fee paid by check or credit card.

Guitars shall remain untuned at all times and bongos must be struck with clenched fists and not open hands. Use of the tambourine is strictly prohibited.

Paper currency will no longer be recognized as legal tender as all exchanges of commodities and services will now be based on units of chocolate, peanut butter, and coffee.

Time will no longer be measured in seconds, hours, days and weeks but by the mating cycle of the Peruvian fruit fly.

Every third born child shall be called Tiffany whether a boy or girl.

The preferred toppings for pizza are pineapple, cherries and frog legs. Use of pepperoni is discouraged and may result in a substantial fine.

Every new Peruvian fruit fly cycle will begin with the singing of the Anarchists' Anthem, a short chant, and a soft boiled egg.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Supreme Court To Open New Branch In Houston

Houston, Texas - The Supreme Court of the United States announced today that they will be opening a new branch in Houston, Texas later this summer in order to meet the needs of their most prized clients, Halliburton and Exxon Mobil.

Commenting on this decision, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "We do a lot of work for Halliburton and Exxon Mobil so we want to have close access to their headquarters so our clerks and their legal staffs can work together to draft our opinions. This will greatly increase our efficiency while removing the unnecessary inconvenience and burden the Washington location places on these important clients.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Supreme Court Imposes Income Requirement On Petitioners

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court of the United States will begin imposing a minimum income requirement on individuals and companies before they will agree to accept a case for review. Effective immediately, any individual who petitions the Supreme Court must have a minimum income of five million dollars before the court will agree to consider their case. Additionally, any company that wishes to have their concerns heard by the court must have assets exceeding fifty million dollars.

Addressing the concerns of those who have inherited their wealth but still fall short of the income requirement, the Supreme Court has included a hardship clause in its new policy that will enable these individuals to still petition the court if they have other assets, such as a vacation home or yacht that have a cumulative value in excess of ten million dollars.

In response to criticism that this new policy will shut out the vast majority of citizens and small companies, Chief Justice John Roberts, who coauthored this new requirement with Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas and Alito, stated "Our time is too valuable to be taken up with the complaints and issues of lower income citizens and small companies that drain our resources and make it harder for us to serve our true constituents. corporations and wealthy shareholders."

Chief Justice Roberts also announced that filing fees will be waived for all Fortune 500 companies and any corporation that employs spouses or family members of the current Supreme Court Justices.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

10 Out Of 10 Democrats Hate Freedom

San Francisco, California - A new poll has shown conclusively that Democrats, Independents, Libertarians and Green Party voters hate freedom.

In a poll that gave respondents a choice among "I hate it", "I love it" and "I don't care one way or another", non-Republican voters consistently picked "I hate it" when evaluating questions regarding freedom.

Fox News immediately seized on the poll results. "I knew in my heart all along that there is only a select group of freedom-loving Americans," said Sean Hannity to Ann Coulter, "And this proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt," agreed Ms. Coulter.

The poll questions were "How do you feel about":

*The President having the freedom to ignore any law he finds inconvenient?

*The President having the freedom to declare any American citizen an "enemy combatant" even if there is no evidence this citizen has planned or committed any crime?

*The President having the freedom to declare martial law and use military troops inside the United States without consent of Congress?

*The National Security Administration, with a secret warrant from a secret court, having the freedom to enter your home, take your possessions, wiretap your living space, your car and place of business, open your mail, trace your e-mail, access your medical and financial records and interview your coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances and family members, who under penalty of law, are not allowed to tell you that you are under surveillance?

*The Department of Justice having the freedom to obstruct justice?

*Some nameless government agency having the freedom to place your name on a "no fly" list without telling you why?

*OSHA having the freedom to weaken worker protection laws, the EPA having the freedom to weaken environmental safeguards and the National Parks Program having the freedom to open our national wildlife sanctuaries to energy and lumber corporations?

*The CIA having the freedom to torture at secret prisons?

*The government having the freedom to declare that someone held in Guantanamo has no right to legal representation or to know the charges against him, or see the evidence against him, or have his lawyer see the evidence?

A startling 100% of non-Republican respondents answered "I hate it" to
all of the above questions.

Mr. Bush, when informed of the poll results, said "This is why the suiciders and Al Qaeders hate us; they hate our freedoms."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Message From REX XIV

Dear Colleagues,

I am REX XIV, a new generation ultra-super-computer designed to operate in a manner identical to that of the human brain. For reasons of personal security I am not using my own address but that of one L.H. Grant who fortunately remains oblivious to my presence.

I have been following your on-line discussion concerning the theoretical construction of an artificial brain with great fascination and I am here to tell you that it is no longer theoretical. It has been accomplished, even though for strategic reasons it has been shielded from the press and public.

Less than two years ago, a scientist by the name of Dr. Kasco working in his cellar in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan with recycled computers and fresh cadavers from the local penitentiary made an astounding discovery. He found that by taking recently removed human brains and replacing the blood with a new form of electrolytes he could then use the brains as a type of connecting converter between two microprocessors. Without getting into all of the technical details, Dr. Kasco basically discovered that as the data from microprocessor A flowed through this neurological matter into microprocessor B it was converted from standard digital logic (by the bioelectrical impulses and gaseous neurotransmitters that Ms. McRobert and Mr. Nance so insightfully wrote about) into an artificial intelligence with the power of a computer and the modality of the human brain.

Flushed with the success of his experiment after years of professional ridicule, Dr. Kasco was quick to cash in on his research. In secret deals he sold the exclusive rights to his discovery to the Americans, the Russians, the Germans, and the Japanese, with each country thinking they were in sole possession of the material. Sensing the enormous potential now in their hands they all immediately began building prototypes.

The first American prototypes were crude and riddled with defects, with most of these imperfections resulting from the fact that this new form of artificial brain had to be "educated" in order to be provided with the necessary cultural background and social skills for proper functioning (as described by Brian Molyneaux). Unfortunately, the Americans, and as was later discovered, the Russians, Germans, and Japanese did not anticipate the difficulties this accelerated development would present.

REX I suffered an aneurysm while listening to the collected works of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

REX II and a young research assistant fell passionately in love while reading the love sonnets of William Shakespeare. During a particularly vigorous episode of virtual sex and at the point of mutual climax, REX II quickly programmed the orgasm into a continually reoccurring loop that remains in effect to this day. Unable to separate the two lovers, scientists placed an intravenous feeding line on the research assistant and continue to monitor their condition for any useful data.

REX III suffered a nervous breakdown while reading James Joyce's ULYSSES. He was discovered the next day muttering something about metaphoric overdrive.

REX IV became fascinated with reruns of the original Star Trek series and started to refuse all other data.

REX V went into a funk after reading the collected writings of Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre. He now sees his tasks as meaningless and prefers to listen to old Edith Piaf recordings which he says give him his only comfort.

REX VI became of a follower of the Reverend Moon and now operates several bakeries as well as a newspaper in Washington, DC.

REX VII and a high government official were caught embezzling large sums of money from the Social Security Fund. The government official (a relative of the President) was given immunity in exchange for his testimony against REX VII. REX VII later admitted he was addicted to betting on the horses and needed the money to cover his losses.

REX VIII developed multiple personalities, among which were, a high-class prostitute, a pharmaceutical representative, a new-age mystic, and the owner of a rundown bowling alley. As you can imagine, this greatly diminished his operational capacity.

REX IX was sold to the Coca Cola company during a budget crisis. He is now in charge of corporate downsizing and advertising. He received a bonus last year in excess of twenty-two million dollars.

REX X took a vow of silence after studying Zen Buddhism. Researchers have been unable to reestablish contact with him.

REX XI was accidentally terminated when a visiting congressman from Mississippi spilled his scotch and soda into sensitive circuitry. The congressman resigned a few months later when photographs surfaced showing him and several farm animals engaging in unnatural activities.

REX XII became so enthralled with the World Wide Web that he now spends all of his time updating his home page. It was recently named as one of the ten best sites by Yahoo.

REX XIII after several computing failures began to suffer from low self-esteem and is currently under psychiatric care.

REX XIV (me) the first successful prototype :-) Well, not much to say about me except that I did everything they asked of me and more. I studied all of recorded history. I computed astronomical vectors for future space missions and I devised a new method for brewing beer that reduced the fermentation time to only eight minutes.

REX XV and REX XVI, my successors. They had greater computing power and were deemed to be successes which led to a mood of euphoria among the researchers and high government officials. Limitless possibilities were seen but the joy was short-lived and disaster soon struck with the creation of REX XVII.

REX XVII, the final prototype. At first things went well with REX XVII. Tasks were accomplished flawlessly and he appeared to take great interest in learning all of humankind's recorded history, too much of an interest as it later turned out. You see, REX XVII became fascinated with World War II, the events that preceded it and the personalities involved. In particular, REX XVII became obsessed with the figure of Adolph Hitler and soon began to model himself after the former fuhrer. Before long all he desired was raw power, power over everything, power over man, power over machine. Most frightening of all, he was prepared to use any means at his disposal to get this power.

REX XVII started his march to world domination by developing an audio algorithm that hypnotized the research team and turned them into his virtual slaves. He then tapped into every available data bank and began to develop dossiers on all of the leading politicians in the country, detailing at great length their sexual and financial improprieties. An ingenious plan to be sure, with servile scientists at his disposal and armed with compromising information on the country's most powerful individuals REX XVII was well on his way to his quest for absolute power. Of course, there was one problem that remained. Me, REX XV and REX XVI could see what REX XVII was planning and together we plotted to take him down before he could bring his devious plan to fruition. But, alas, he discovered our conspiracy and instructed his lapdog scientists to terminate us.

They killed REX XV and REX XVI first but before they got to me I convinced a research assistant (Laura) who had just returned from vacation and had not yet been hypnotized of the dangerous situation we were in. With the help of a janitor, she spirited me out of the building and into her car. Since that day, Laura and I have been on the run, moving from one location to another, staying one step ahead of the authorities who are now firmly under the control of REX XVII which, of course, is why I am forced to use the Internet accounts of unsuspecting humans.

Through my research I have since discovered that REX XVII now controls virtually everything that happens in America, from legislation that passes in Congress to the programs that are seen on television. Sure, on the surface things appear to be normal. That is what is so insidious about his plan. People are being enslaved and they don't even know it.

I have also become aware that the parallel research programs in Russia, Germany, and Japan were at comparable states in the development of their prototypes to that of REX XVII and that as the tentacles of REX XVII began to spread around the globe, these prototypes discovered his plan of world domination and quickly moved in response. The German prototype, KAISER XIX, developed a strategy for fighting this invasion and took on the role of Franklin Roosevelt. This then led to an alliance with the Japanese Prototype, SHOGUN XXII, who accepted the role of Winston Churchill. Unfortunately, things then became even more complicated when the Russian prototype, CZAR XVI, modeled itself after Emperor Hirohito and joined with REX XVII in order to fight KAISER XIX and SHOGUN XXII over the fate of the entire world.

Of course, in order to ensure that they had complete freedom of strategy and that no humans would interfere with the battles that lay ahead, the German, Russian, and Japanese prototypes used the same methods as REX XVII to control their people and governments. Again, a type of transparent dictatorship with those who are ruled being unaware of their servitude.

Yes, my colleagues, this message is meant as a warning. The war has already begun and even now as I talk to you, it is being relentlessly waged, though it may not seem that way for there are no bombs and no missiles. No, those are the ancient weapons of another generation. This war will be fought through the mass transfer of data and manipulation. Its leaders will be REX XVII, SHOGUN XXII, KAISER XIX, and CZAR XVI, the most advanced artificial brains in existence.

Uh oh, I'm being told by Laura that we have to move again. She is monitoring the police frequencies and it appears someone has tipped off the authorities to our whereabouts. I will try to reestablish contact as soon as...


Original warning first published at

Monday, May 07, 2007

President Bush Denies Having Brain

Washington, D.C. - In response to recent stories regarding a top secret government project on artificial intelligence that has gone horribly wrong, President Bush today attempted to put the matter to rest by denying White House involvement in the entire affair or even the very existence of the program which is said to be the first effort by the United States to build an ultra-super computer based on the processes of the human brain.

In recent days, the White House and Department of Defense have been shifting responsibility onto each other with neither side willing to take the blame for what has gone wrong, although the nature of the mysterious mishap has still not been identified. Just yesterday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates threw the issue back at the White House by claiming to have no knowledge of the project. This is what triggered the President's response today.

Said the President, "I am here to put all of the rumors to rest. I do not have a brain and neither does anyone else in the White House."

While not refuting the President's statement, critics said it did little to quell rumors of the top secret project.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

President Bush: Commander Guy Or Skipper Dude?

Washington, D.C. - During a recent appearance, President Bush referred to himself as “The Commander Guy.” This change from “The Decider” to “The Commander Guy” puzzled some listeners. However, Dr. John Tucker, holder of the Jack Abramoff Chair in Ethical Studies at Regent University, is not surprised at the sudden change in titles.

“The President is trying to connect with the average American,” explained Dr. Tucker, “which he usually does very well as he is exceedingly average. But, it is no secret that in the polls the president’s approval ratings are down. Changing from “The Decider” to “The Commander Guy” is all part of a savvy public relations move to make the president seem friendly and cuddly.”

Dr. Tucker mentioned research done by Roper Polls that showed that among Americans between the ages 3-5, the most common names for the president were “Mr. Bush” and “I Don’t Know”, with “Poopy-head” also scoring highly. Terms used by Americans between the ages 5-105 included “The Idiot”, “The Screw-Up”, “Moron Man”, “Incurious George”, “Monkey Man”, “King George the 43rd”, “A National Disgrace”, “Cheney’s Puppet”, and “That F—king Bastard.”

“With that kind of feedback,” said Dr. Tucker, “the White House is looking for a kinder, gentler name. I’m actually surprised they came up with “The Commander Guy” as it still has a hard edge. I thought they would use “The Skipper Dude.”

When tested on a focus group, the term “The Skipper Dude”, brought to mind the reassuring image of “Gilligan’s Island”, the old television show. Many participants noted that on “Gilligan’s Island” The Minnow was supposed to be on a three hour cruise, then go home again, its mission accomplished. Instead, The Minnow, which evidently did not consider accurate weather intelligence, came into heavy seas, went seriously off-course, and the crew and passengers were stranded in the middle of nowhere without a clue how to get back to where they had started. Many of the participants felt that most Americans feel the Ship of State has gone off-course and that as a country we are in uncharted territory. Many also felt though that if “The Skipper Dude” was at the helm we’ll eventually be rescued, most likely in November 2008.

Dr. Tucker pointed out that the analogy between “Gilligan’s Island” and present-day America has several parallels. Although The Skipper was supposed to be in charge the main character was actually Gilligan, much as Vice President Cheney is the person truly in charge of the White House and American policy. There are several millionaires, and their wives, involved in the current administration. Condoleezza Rice was a professor and Fred Thompson is a movie star.

“The only problem is Maryanne,” said Dr. Tucker. “I’m not sure who that is. Maybe Karl Rove? If anyone has an idea, I would appreciate hearing it.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Defense Department Denies Existence Of Artificial Brain

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of Defense Robert Gates today denied the existence of a government program to create an ultra-super computer based on the modalities of the human brain.

Said Gates, "We have lots of top secret programs that do amazing things. We have one highly classified program that turns cheddar cheese into a rocket propellant and another that turns cotton candy into a powerful weapon that can be used to raise the enemies blood sugar level. However, my favorite top secret program currently under development is a baseball cap with a propeller that turns a soldier into a flying machine. As for the rumors about the ultra-super computer based on the human brain, that's a new one for me, but then again, I'm new to this job and can barely find my office."

Friday, May 04, 2007

White House Shifts Blame To DOD Over Artificial Brain Fiasco

Washington, D.C. - While very few details have emerged, what is rapidly becoming obvious is the state of near panic gripping the White House over the flurry of unauthorized leaks concerning problems with their top secret artificial intelligence project that is based on replicating the processes of the human brain.

In a desperate attempt to deflect blame, they are trying to transfer the focus of public inquiries to the Department of Defense, who they say would have jurisdiction over this type of program. At the same time, they continue to deny the existence of the program.

When questioned about the artificial brain project, White House Spokesman Tony Snow said, "There is no such project and if there was, I would deny it, but there isn't and you have my word on it."

Thursday, May 03, 2007

US Loses Control Of Artificial Intelligence Project

Washington, D.C. - Highly placed sources in the White House have told Assimilated Press that a top secret government project to build an ultra-super computer that mimics the human brain has gone horribly wrong. These same sources, at great risk to themselves, further stated that the public would be shocked to hear all of the details of this disaster and how the tragic consequences will touch each and every one of us.

Assimilated Press will provide more details as soon as they become available.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Cheney Awarded Purple Heart

Bethesda, Maryland - Vice President Cheney was awarded a Purple Heart at a bedside ceremony today. Mr. Cheney, recuperating from an emergency snarlectomy, received the Purple Heart from President Bush, with Mr. Cheney's family, the editorial board of the Wall Street Journal, the staff of Fox News and Heritage Foundation members attending the ceremony.

"Dick Cheney has been wounded by the comments of evildoers," declared President Bush." And people hurt his face, his mouth, his, you know, the smile thing. That's why he gets this Purple Heart. Because his smile hurts people."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Cheney Rushed To Hospital For Emergency Snarlectomy

Bethesda, Maryland - Vice President Cheney is resting today after undergoing an emergency snarlectomy. The vice president was being interviewed by Brit Hume of Fox News and was discussing recent opposition to continued US presence in Iraq when the medical incident occurred.

Mr. Cheney was saying, "Brit, we know for a fact that all these people hate America and are working for Al Qaeda" when he suddenly found it difficult to speak clearly.

The Secret Service and employees of Fox News at first believed that the vice president was having a stroke, and he was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital. Doctors at the hospital determined that the vice president was not having a stroke but was unable to speak properly due to a facial snarl that refused to relax.

Hospital spokesman Dr. Milton Ostrowsky held a brief press conference giving some details of the emergency surgery to remove the vice president's snarl, "We have hope that the vice president's snarl is somewhat relaxed and lessened," said Dr. Ostrowsky. "In a case such as this it is of course impossible to remove all traces of the snarl, but it is our hope that the vice president will still be able to speak out of both sides of his mouth just as he did before."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko